I need my fluther therapists (You know who you are?). How do I love my family when I dislike them immensely?

Welcome to my sisters wedding. You won’t like my answer.

My sister had her wedding at my dads brothers house. Racist homophobic trash. She married a dude and we spent all day doing yardwork to make the place for the ceremonial special.

While I was getting ready in the bathroom (tie and pants) my cousin busted in and slammed me against the wall and said “faggots aren’t welcome” and put a gun to my head.

So I got wasted and and called lots of people white trash rednecks and called for someone to pick me up. I got black-out drunk and it is on DVD. I refuse to watch it.

But to address your initial question. I haven’t seen or talked to the racist homophobes in well over a decade. And that makes me happy.

Do you not get along with your grandfather and dad? If you are ok, with either one of them, then I assume that is where the guilt is coming from.

No matter how you feel, a part of you is at least going to feel bad about being left out of a huge family event. Even if you don’t like them, some part of you probably remembers times when it wasn’t always so and you will still wish it could go back to how it once was.

It sounds like you hate their disapproval and find nothing wrong with your life but at the same time you may feel that not all of them are disapproving because they hate you but from real concern for you. It is hard to be angry with people when they do something wrong but they think they are helping. Even when it is ignorant thinking.

You have to let go of the past to move forward in life.

Because they’re your family and we’re expected to not only love our families but to like them. The reality is, as we grow-up and develop our own personalities and start to drive our own lives in ways that suit us, sometimes our connections to our family members become very tenuous. I don’t connect with anyone in my family anymore. It’s sad, I don’t want things to be that way but that’s just how things are. So, we feel guilty. It’s conditioning.

So, you say family members put you down, ridicule you and don’t accept your wife. Would you put up with that from anyone else? Why do you have to go to this event apart from family expectations? Personally, if people aren’t treating you respectfully I’d just send a card to grandfather and give it a big miss. Unless you can see some real positives or you absolutely adore your granddad and want to spend time with him (which you could probably do on your own at a different time), let it go and don’t feel guilty.

I do get how hard this might be to do. Easy to write, not always so easy to do.

I have to go with telling them to fuck right off. Write them off. If they can learn to accept your sexuality then great. They are cut off until they can. You don’t need to cater to their bigotry.

Unless you have a really good relationship with your dad and grand dad, go to the waterpark.

You feel guilty about not going to the party? Or, guilty for cutting them off? Since you are the one drawing the line, the burden is very heavy on you, and I am sure that is difficult. You are invited, they have not all ostracized you. Maybe there are some people in the family you miss or who might be understanding? If you go to the party are people going to corner you and lecture you? Or, will they stifle since it is a party? In a lot of families, even when people have not talked for years, a wedding, or something similar, is a time when people see each other again and make-up, or act like nothing bad transpired and things semi repair. If you have that sort of tradition in your family, maybe not going to this sort of event feels especially difficult for you? I’m just guessing at possibilities so you can sort through the feelings, I could be way off.

Are you worried at all about what they might say if you don’t go? I assume there is an expectation that family should want to be at the party, and so since you don’t want to go, you feel guilty maybe? You won’t be fulfilling a duty as a family member. Not that I think you should, but maybe you have those sort of obligations drilled into your head.

If they don’t accept you and ridicule you at every chance, they really have drawn the line, not you. How can anyone be expected to subject themselves to that sort of abuse every time.

If they are going to be civil, is there a chance you want to go? It’s just the risk of someone saying something negative to you isn’t worth it?

For my yet unknown therapists: My dad was an abusive, terrorist all through my childhood. I am still afraid of this man, and when he decides to contact me for whatever reason, it causes me nothing but stress and heartbreak.

No one is openly aggressive about their disapproval. It’s more the way they treat us, the way they talk to me.

I also find most of my family very ignorant, offensive and even cruel. I can’t go into every little detail. Let’s just say I do not like most of my family.

Don’t go, it’s not worth it. Maybe you feel guilty because you basically have a good heart. It’s too bad other members of your family do not.

Try to recognize that your feelings are more on the side of wishful thinking than based on reality.

@tinyfaery I have a story. My exboyfriend had a cousin who was/is gay. I dated him 30 years ago and I was part of the family when his cousin came out. We younger people had pretty much guessed he was gay, but now it was official, and his dad’s response was, “he must not be my son. His mother must have cheated.” It was devastating to him that his father would say such a thing. He stopped coming to family events that his father attended, which meant he was rather disconnected from the family, because the family had tons of parties and his dad was one of those people who showed up to most parties. We really missed him. He honesty was one of my favorite people in that big extended family. But, we all understood, and I don’t think he should have felt any guilt. So, maybe you can rest easy that the family members who do accept you, understand.

Maybe this party is just a reminder that your family is not what you want your family to be and you are dissappointed more than anything.

@tinyfaery Then it probably isn’t guilt you are feeling. You probably are just mourning the family you wish you had. Sweety, you just have to move on and make a new family. Make the one you wish you did have. Surround yourself with people who accept you and love you the way you are and not the way they want you to be.

It’s very difficult, emotionally, to write off a family member – let alone an entire family. That doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do…just that it’s fucking hard. Mixed emotions are part of the deal, unfortunately. Anger, love, anxiety, guilt, and finally, acceptance. Cutting my mother out of my life is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it’s also the single best thing I’ve ever done for my mental health. It took me over 30 years to make the decision, and several more years to feel okay about having done it. The relief was immediate, but the guilt did linger.

In your case, part of the problem may be that you haven’t explicitly cut these people out of your life. Your father feels free to contact you whenever he decides to and your relatives still invite you to functions, throwing your emotions into turmoil each time it happens. You’re still a party to the family dynamic, even though you don’t want to be. Maybe it would help you come to terms with it if you really knew it was behind you, you know?

I wrote my mother a letter explaining my feelings and my reasons for ending our relationship. Maybe a similar action with your family will help you come to terms with it.

Also: Hugs.

@augustlan Does the guilt ever go away?

@tinyfaery Yes and no. For the most part, I never think about my mother or the situation at all. Every now and then, I feel some guilt. But I’m always able to remind myself that I didn’t cause the problem between us, and that I did what I had to in that situation. It’s more like…sadness, now that I’m thinking about it more. Like, “It’s a shame that had to happen.” Not, “I’m a terrible human being” – which is what it felt like at first.

I would not go. If you like your grandfather, then I would make an arrangement to stop and see him another time, bring him a gift if you want to (perhaps at his age some fun food or something because he probably doesn’t need anything). Make it about you and your grandfather, if you can do that and if you want to (and if you like him). You may not get many more chances to see him.

As far as the rest of the family and the party, I wouldn’t go. It sounds like pure misery and stress. Who needs that? If it didn’t sound so miserable, I would say go and be civil and do what we call “keep it moving” which means say hi to people, smile and don’t stop walking while you do it. In the case of your family and of this family gathering you refer to, fuck that – don’t even go. Make it about you and grandpa, if possible.

@tinyfaery – I do not feel guilt. My father was not my perpetrator, but any time I tried to establish a relationship with him he would mess it up because he was completely clueless about how to be around other people. I’ve always felt sorry for him because of his own miserable childhood and his own burden of guilt and shame, but he was just incapable of having a healthy relationship. I cut of ties with him when he moved out of state several years ago. He died 3 years ago and I have not felt any guilt or remorse.

I confronted my perpetrator, who blamed poor parenting as an excuse for molesting me, despite denying that he had been abused or molested himself. I have not had contact with him in several years, although I know that other family members do.

So it is possible to not have guilt after cutting off ties to family members. I just wanted to give you a ray of hope.

Someone said that you are feeling grief at the loss of your family – and going through that process of mourning the fantasy of a happy childhood and family that I could never have was an important part of my process of putting my past behind me. The key was holding on to the essence of “me” and who I am inherently without all the pain and negativity of childhood abuse. I had to dig down through all that bullshit and rescue my Self and re-parent myself.

I have forgiven those who hurt me and those who allowed the abuse to happen of their ignorance. I realize that their psyches do not have the fortitude to stand up to the guilt if they actually realized the depths of the harm they did. I will not forget, because that would do a disservice to myself and the progress I’ve made in overcoming my personal hell, and it would prevent me from sharing my experience and reaching out to others who have suffered similarly.

Blood is NOT thicker than water. If that were the case, your blood wouldn’t have hurt you, nor would they be judgmental of you now. You do not owe them anything simply because you share some DNA. I suspect that in addition to grief, some of what contributes to that guilty, obligated feeling is a sense of shame. We do judge ourselves by what society expects “family” to be, and it’s awkward to have to explain coming from dysfunction to coworkers and acquaintances when they ask what we’re doing for the holidays, etc. For me, the realization that I did not choose my family, nor did I deserve the abuse, alleviated my shame. It’s simply a matter of fact – I was born into a family that contained several self-absorbed assholes. They chose to take advantage of and abuse my innocence, and to ignore my misery. And I survived that, and have learned to use that experience to develop compassion and strength. I decided to stop fighting and reacting to my past, and to accept it and move on. “Living well is the best revenge” became my motto, because I realized that by continuing to struggle with the past kept me a victim.

We all grow at our own pace, we might have concepts cycling in our conscious minds for years before they ‘click’ with the subconscious and we experience a paradigm shift. Keep working at it and processing it… you’ll find yourself free of it one day. <3

”You probably are just mourning the family you wish you had.”

@Pandora makes a great point. This is how I feel about my situation with my mother and her family after my father died. It’s more of a sadness with a little guilt sprinkled on top.

Either way, you are a good person, so tell the guilt to shut up already.

You really shouldn’t attend this event. I’m sure you can bow out gracefully (work commitments, previous engagement, etc.)

You can always visit or send something nice to grandpa after the fact.

I cannot imagine any benefit to you attending other than reinforcing your anger and retriggering bad memories.

As one of your surrogate mothers here, would it help if I absolved you of any guilt?

I wouldn’t worry about bowing out gracefully either. You don’t owe grace to any of them. Send a terse and unembellished “No thanks. I won’t be attending.”

I do not want to attend this event. That’s straightforward enough.

From a distsnce. My relationship with my mother improved when she moved across the country and I saw her twice a year. Keep contact short and minimal unless you really have to divorce them. Sorry to be brief; on a train.

Forth – just resd full details. Don’t go if there is nothing there for you .

Oh man….I have been through this too.

I have a complicated family situation and absolutely despise my cousin. He’s a racist (moved his kids away from their school system because he “didn’t want them growing up around black people”) and he somehow feels that everyone owes him something. He’s a complete asshole. Now as time has gone on and everyone’s gotten older, he’s become a bit of a leader in our family – organizing annual reunions and events. He’s such a dick, that he actually goes out of his way to organize them on on his birthday every year – so that the focus of 30 people then becomes his birthday.

Anyway, I could go on about this but years ago when I realized how angry my family relationships were making me, how much anxiety and effort they caused and how I was just treated like crap by some of them anyway, I ducked out. I selectively choose who I want to spend time with and do it 1:1. After about a year of that, all guilt melted away.

Life is too short. Spend it with people whole care about you, respect you and treat you with kindness. Everyone else, family or not, isn’t worth it. I felt a million times better once I gave myself permission to cut out the toxicity and not expose myself to that anymore.

Don’t go. Arrange to celebrate your grandfather’s birthday by taking him out to dinner or partaking in another event (only if you want to) and call it done.

After reading more answers, and rereading your question I was reminded of something I recently wrote on another Q. You asked how can I love my family when I dislike them so much. It’s because dislike is not indifference. You still care at some level. Care about having or wanting a family with the people who are your “blood” relatives. I am not commenting on whether you should or shouldn’t care, I am only saying as long as you want the relationships to be different it has an emotional hold on you.

I have seen families grow and change and things get more civil, accepting and better. I have also seen families not change, but I have rarely seen an entire family be non-accepting and hateful. Just something to consider. Keeping in touch with family members who are good to you might help if that is a possibility. It is very difficult to cut off an entire family, most adult children cannot even cut off both parents even if they hate them both. They usually choose one, and tolerate the other. Of course, it is different for everyone though, each situaion is unique.

“I do not want to attend this function. Actually, it would be ok if I never saw most of these people again. So, why do I feel so fucking guilty?”

Because you would MISS this one opportunity to say goodbye to your 90 year old Grandfather .
The gathering is for celebrating HIS Life of generating descendants who love him.
I would go visit talk with him, and IF uncomfortable leave early?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4zWBHFCmXM

A powerfull uplifting video, to help you.
I found this Inspiring and could assist you in making a decision better.

It’s the “relating” that makes the relationship.

Keep away and it sends a clear message to them. By going, you are reinforcing that this is how you want them to treat to you.

I see four distinct questions here:

• How do I love my family when I dislike them immensely?

• I do not want to attend this function. Actually, it would be ok if I never saw most of these people again. So, why do I feel so fucking guilty?

• Will it ever go away?

• How do I let go?

I think they can have distinct answers. Sure, they’re bound up together, but not inextricably.

• How do I love my family when I dislike them immensely?

It’s okay to dislike your family, even if you know you love them. There are lots of unpleasant and despicable people in the world, and all of them are or have been related to somebody.

It’s also okay to be angry with them, and that’s different from either disliking or loving/hating. Of course you know this; I’m just spelling it out.

The thing is, nursing anger and cherishing insult is a kind of self-replenishing poison in you. It’s a corrosive poison.

An old friend of mine and her older sister were abused by their mother when they were children. My friend grew up to join love cults meant to save the world through mind control. Her sister, she said, was eaten up by bitterness and took it out on her own children. Both of them were victims at the outset, but perpetuating victimhood as adults was up to them. Because they did such different things, though, we can at least see that they did have choices.

If family members have denied you the love and acceptance you wanted from them, you can’t make them give it to you. All you can do is stop wanting it.

What’s not clear in your details is which question your subject-line query is asking:
– How is it that I can love and dislike them at the same time? (asking for an explanation)
– How do I sustain love (because I want to love them) through anger and dislike? (requesting guidance for inner behavior)
– How do I show love to my family when I am also feeling dislike for them? (requesting guidance for outward action)
Without knowing which one is on your mind, I’m leaving that part alone.

• I do not want to attend this function. Actually, it would be ok if I never saw most of these people again. So, why do I feel so fucking guilty?

I don’t see you asking whether you should go, must go, are free not to go. I don’t see a request for advice there. Your statement about it is clear. The question I see is: why the feeling of guilt?

Family ties are strong, even when we don’t want them to be. It’s pretty hard to see who we are in a void free of all references to family, background, and culture. They help shape who we are. And maintaining those ties is bred into most of us. You feel guilty because that’s a natural response to knowingly going against custom, training, conditioning, expectation, and obligation. You are guilty of that, if that’s the accusation.

But that does not mean it’s wrong. Feeling guilty does not mean you are wrong. It just means you’ve got conflicting emotions mixed up in your decision. Coping with those is your job; satisfying all those expectations and customs isn’t.

• Will it ever go away?

Maybe not, but it will diminish. The longer you keep feeding it, the longer it will take. If you’re ambivalent, you’ll keep getting dragged back in.

It’s important to realize that all of that is going on inside you. It may or may not have some external reality, but the part that hurts is inside. Luckily, that means it’s in your court and not under somebody else’s control.

Guilt buttons can take a hell of a long time to disconnect thoroughly, but it can be done.

It’s also possible to remain aloof without severing all connections. You can establish your distance and change their expectations so they stop pressuring you. My uncle did that at a relatively young age, and the family eventually stopped assuming that he would join in all the religion-based events that the rest of them supported. He shows up for extreme events such as funerals, but otherwise he stays apart. A long time ago they all simply started thinking of him as exempt from the traditional obligations.

My generation of the family has removed itself from most of those limiting bonds, and that’s just the way it is.

• How do I let go?

Now we’re in the territory of things you can control. Detachment is very difficult, and it takes practice, but you can do it. It starts with reminding yourself, as many times a day (or a minute) as necessary, that you can’t control other people. If they’re not right in front of you all the time, it’s a lot easier than if they’re under your roof. You have to let them be what they are just as much as you want them to let you be what you are. Don’t pin your happiness on what somebody else does, and don’t make yourself miserable by stewing about things that have happened in the past or that haven’t happened yet. Take care of your own business, right here, right now.

Every major wisdom tradition teaches this same message. If one of those philosophies works for you, use the tools it gives you. People who use them faithfully seem to find that they help.

 
If I were in your place, here’s what I’d do: I would let people who ask know that I’m unable to attend. Then I would send a nice arrangement of flowers to the event, to stand in for my presence, with a card that says something like “Sorry I can’t be with you on this special day, but you’re in my thoughts. Love, TF.”

^^Thanks. The gift is a really good idea. I’ll think upon the things you said.

You’ve already said that you wouldn’t mind it if you didn’t see most of them ever again. I’m not sure if there are a few of those family members that you wouldn’t mind seeing again, or how much you respect/love your grandfather, but if you do than I would try to attend (even if not for long) or you could likely continue to feel guilty. I was in similar situations, not only with my family but even with other friends and their families/friends, but if there was at least that one person to whom it would have been important to them for me to see them personally I would usually just tough it out and enjoy at least making somebody’s day. I’m not sure what else to write here, and I wouldn’t blame you even if you decide not to attend the gathering.

Some people, regardless of sharing our DNA, are just not good people for us. I spent years, and years, and years trying to have a “good” relationship with my sibling, and each time I made an overture I was rebuffed at best, and sometimes hurt badly. This is a sibling who would invite an ex who hurt me badly to thanksgiving the year she was hosting because she “liked him.” He was not invited because he had nowhere to go and she’s married. She would break every plan unless others were invited, you get the idea. I used to feel somehow responsible for her behavior, though I did not do anything to merit it. Finally, I just sat down, really thought about it, and decided to stop. There was no joy associated with this person. It made my parents sad at first, but they understood as they had watch the behavior. The day I gave myself permission to move on from this person was one of the most liberating, heart lightening days of my life.

If you have done nothing wrong, and you have tried grace and kindness, do not take abuse. Good for you with regard to protecting your spouse, so many don’t. You both deserve happiness, and you have your own family now, enjoy it. Don’t allow others to destroy that.