What's so bad about being an introvert and about introversion?

There’s a fair amount of baloney in Susan Cain’s widely read book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, but the author does do quite a nice job of showing how our [Western] culture is structured to foster and reward extroversion, treat it as if it were the norm, and motivate many introverts to pose as something they’re not (giving rise to the impression that it’s not pretty much a 50–50 split).

I guess the simple answer to your “why?” question is just to say that a lot of people have a lot of wrong-headed ideas about a lot of things.

I’m a major introvert, and one thing I can think of is that extroverts seem to have more fun (for lack of a better word). This also may have to do with my form of anxiety, too, though. I might look at folks having a great time at an amusement park or in New Orleans at Mardi Gras and think to myself, “I wish I could do that”... knowing it would damn near kill me. I envy that ability, I guess.

I’ve accidentally hurt friends and family members with my introversion (and anxiety, it’s hard to separate them in my mind), too. I can’t take my kids to the fair, for instance. I also tend not to socialize very often, and people sometimes think I don’t care about them or am not as invested in the relationship because of it. There are very few big events I will willingly attend. I try to explain how it is for me, but most people just don’t really understand how much of an emotional price I pay and that I can’t afford that price very often. When I do go, I usually have to take some extra medication and take breaks away from the event, and nearly always leave early. I feel like I’m letting people down, and that’s no fun.

On the whole, though, I’m happy the way I am and don’t give much thought to being any different these days.

Yes indeed @Jeruba that’s my thought too (about the baloney). I do also agree that extroversion seems to be rewarded more than introversion, or that’s the perception. It would be interesting to do more research about the accuracy of that perception though. Are extroverts really more successful? Thank you.

@augustlan, your post suggests the truth of @Jeruba‘s post in terms of the perception people have of extroverts. I’m an definitely on the extrovert side of the scale but I’m not really happy in large groups or fun fairs or the like. I can talk under wet cement and frequently do, and I am energised by being around people (I think that’s why I Fluther when I’m home on my own often). I do speak without thinking often. However, I like to be around people in smaller groups and I hate going to conferences and being forced to interact with total strangers. I don’t mind being on my own occasionally, just not all the time. I can do it, but it’s not something I’d choose to do for long periods. So the idea that extroverts are all out there partaying at the Mardi Gras is about those misconceptions and the ‘baloney’ @Jeruba mentions. I’m glad you’re happy as you are. I don’t think anyone here wants you to change :-)

@Bellatrix – this is a wonderful question. When I’ve not had so much wine, I will come back to answer it coherently. I will simply say that there is not one darn thing wrong with being an introvert!

My guess is that extroverts can be uncomfortable around introverts because introverts can be hard to ‘read’.

I’m an introvert, and am comfortable in my own skin. Over the years, I’ve learned how to ‘turn on’ an outgoing persona in order to fit into social gatherings, but I find it very fatiguing, and will avoid them when I can.

The idea of being an extrovert who can’t enjoy alone time is scary to me.

An introvert will often hear how weird they are for wanting to be alone and not attend social events. They hear how weird they are for being so quiet. For some reason we are not normal. Whatever that is.

It’s not considered weird to talk to others with ease and it’s not considered weird to want to be with other people. That’s considered normal.

@harangutan, do people come out and say ‘you’re weird’ for those things and are those people extroverts or more importantly, they identify as extroverts?

Have people who are identifying as either introvert/extrovert completed tests or formal processes to determine which side of the scale they’re on or do they just ‘know’?

It has been said about me and to me many times in my life. I don’t need a test to know that I’m an introvert and I have no idea if anyone I know has had one. From everything I’ve read about introverts, I’m a textbook example.

Who says there is? Do you take the word of random people on the internet?

@marinelife, no only random introverts who seem to feel unhappy with their lot.

I’m very introverted myself and do tend to catch quite a bit of flak over it from friends(the few I actually have). “Why don’t you ever want to go out to clubs or bars etc, all you ever want to do is hang out away from crowds.” Some of my more extroverted friends get me to exhibit more extroverted behavior when I’m around them but I still find it all very exhausting. Being introverted has gotten a few people “mad” at me over the years. They assume that I’m just blowing them or their party off when really it’s nothing personal I’d just rather avoid all that.

All that said, I’m perfectly happy with who I am, I’m a man who lives inside my head rather than out in this crazy world. I think there are some major benefits to this as well that I would never trade off for being more out going. I think I am so much more in touch with who I am as a person and a more critical thinker than the extroverted person. I find joy in sitting alone in nature for hours on end when others it seems need to have some form of stimulation every waking second.

I’m ok with being misunderstood by most, it just makes me special (or so I like to tell myself :P)

Our culture values shallow acquaintances and mindless chatter. Introverts are not very good at these things. It punishes or discourages reflectiveness, quiet, and being alone, all of which introverts do very well.

The care and feeding of introverts

That’s pretty much the norm here, everything is either black or white with no shade in between, narrow minded bullshit basically.

I’m an introvert and have never, ever envied extroverts. Most of them very quickly reveal themselves to be bores, boors and fools, not that anyone would notice nowadays.

I don’t agree that extroversion is a dominant characteristic of Western culture in general, as Jeruba stated above. I believe the predominance of the extrovert personality is found mostly in the United States. This personality has gained increasing acceptance and popularity since the 1920s which, interestingly, is concurrent with the popularity and emulation of Hollywood celebrity and the resultant celebrity industry in general.

Introversion, as the word is used here in this string, is the norm in Scandinavia— a culture of which is still considered within Western Culture the last time I checked. This is probably why I got along so well in Scandinavia, an introvert among a culture of introverts. I really felt at home almost immediately upon arrival and for the next ten years of my residency. They are a very quiet, strong, secure people in general, who let their accomplishments, both personal and cultural, speak for them. They have no urge to publicly volunteer any information of this sort, unlike Americans—who have the reputation of burdening perfect strangers in airports and cafes abroad with their unsolicited litany of personal, professional and national accomplishments at high decibels. This American characteristic of assuming anyone would be interested in one’s usually droll personal and professional life outside of one’s friends and family is still considered the height of bad taste in most of Europe. And rightly so, in my opinion.

Here’s my take, there is nothing wrong with and no need to try an introvert or an extrovert, they are simply different personality types. Thank goodness we have different types of personalities because it helps the world go wrong. Introverts are better at doing certain types of jobs than extroverst and vice versa.

I think each one at an extreme and mixed in with anxiety or destructive behavior is where the problems begin. I would guess a certain percentage of introverts actually have ver bad anxiety when deeling with other people, crowds, I guess we can call it somewhere on the spectrum of agoraphobia. An extrovert sees this and wants to help fix it, esecially for those we love. It think we kind of mix together natural introverts, shy people, and people who avoid social situations because they cannot psychologically handle it. Thing, is those things are different things. An introvert can prefer alone time and still be able deal with social obligations.

An extrovert, to the extreme, they can be narcissistic, sociopaths, and self destructive. life of the party, self absorbed, needs attention. No one tries to fix the extrovert, because that behavior is rewarded in our society. Not when it turns criminal, but the extrovert gets tons of positive reinforcement by all the people who want to be around them, and whatta ya know, they want to be around tons of people. It’s similar to people who are bipolar get reinforcement when they are manic, especially women in my opinion. More energy, don’t need a lot of sleep, want to have a lot of sex, go go go.

So, basically, I think it depends where the introvert or extrovert falls on the continuum of mental health more than anything aside from being introverts or extroverts. If each person seems, happy, functioning welll in life and well adjusted, I can’t see why they need to be changed.

One comment about children, I personally do find I am more worried about a child who is introverted, maybe I shouldn’t be. I worry it makes growing up harder, especially if they are schooled in a traditional way where social dynamics at a typical school kind of force them to be somewhat outside of their natural tendency.

@augustlan I find it surprising you are an introvert and talk about extroverts seemingly having more fun. From what you have written I would have never guessed you are an introvert, and back in the day you seemed to be a bit of a wild child.

I consider myself an extrovert and I always thought other people were able to have more fun and was even told by people I don’t have enough fun, don’t let loose enough I guess? I definitely have more fun as an adult. I don’t think I let loose more, I just enjoy the moment I am in more.

I think the world needs both introverts and extroverts, and there are many good qualities about each.

@JLeslie It’s kind of hard to figure out what parts of my life/personality/mental issues are responsible for the way I am and the ways I have been. I would say that I’ve always been an introvert…always more prone to living inside my head, reading, quiet and meaningful conversation, etc.

But, as a teenager, I really hit my social stride. I think it had an awful lot to do with the fact that I was free of my abuser for the first time. It’s almost like I was never fully alive before then, and that whole period of time was like a celebration. A great group of friends, reveling in my sexuality (or the power of it, really), and soaking up a lot of confidence boosting experiences. Add to that the fact that I had hyperthyroid and was full of endless energy, and you can kind of see why I had the ‘wild child’ time of my life.

Even then, though, I still preferred deep conversation in a corner of the party, being around people too much exhausted me, and I still had my nose in a book. I had to have a certain amount of alone time. Later on, anxiety and health issues really took the wind out of my sails. I was a different person after that, and I’m a different person now, having conquered most of that. The introversion, though, is still the same.

I don’t think that introversion is bad, but there is definitely a problem with the socialization of people in many societies that lead introverts to believe that they’re somehow ‘strange’ or ‘unnatural’. For a very long time I thought that there was something wrong with me.

Granted, there is a difference between being quiet and reflective, and being depressed, and it took me a while to realize that me wanting to sleep all day and do nothing wasn’t, in fact, ‘introversion’.

I thought I was an introvert… and then I just found that I simply chose not to talk to certain people. For example, in one of my classes I was very quiet, because I thought most people in that class were idiots and I only made connections to a few. In a class I am in now, I’ve made a lot of connections, am a lot more vocal, interactive, etc…

Introverts, it is not YOU who is the problem. It is other people.

I am a very good conversationalist, mind you, and a great listener. No one whose talked to me has ever said they hadn’t enjoyed it. But you just get people that are TOO MUCH.. too loud, too shallow, too EVERYTHING. It’s like a bomb hitting you all at once.

My statement in the beginning of my previous answer should be they both help the world go round. Maybe a mod will fix that for me.

@augustlan I think maybe we all have our moments of introvert and extrovert. I like one on one deep conversation also. I rarely like being alone in a corner reading though; I want to learn by interacting. Maybe because I was not very good at reading. I like doing things on my own too. Travel, new experiences, I’m all ok with that. But, while I’m out I easily talk to a stranger, so I guess that is a mix.

@sparrowfeed makes a very good point. Sometimes it’s not you, it’s the people you’re with.

I think people are very interesting—I love hearing a person’s story. But sometimes it gets to be too much, too negative, too complain-y, to gossipy, and just poisonous for me. Throughout high school I hardly said anything to anyone at all because I strongly disliked my peers (even the ones I was ‘friends’ with) and rarely went out.

But also, there is the ‘textbook’ version of introversion, in which one recharges through quiet time and reflection and can find too much social interaction fatiguing, which I definitely fit. I limit my social events to once or twice a week, and they never last a whole day. If I had to choose between partying or reading all day, I’d definitely choose reading.

@hiraeth I was similar in high school, but ‘came out of my shell’ a bit during University and grad school (and even now I consider myself a lot more vocal). I always stuck more with the introverts because I knew that at the end of the day, they were just looking for a meaningful relationship the way I was. They weren’t going to jump around to seven different friend groups during lunch.

I think I have that ‘textbook’ case too. I like social events but find I cannot get into them without drinking (i.e. having a few drinks at a party) unless they are people who are on my level or share some fundamental interests (i.e. maybe a teacher’s conference where I can share my ideas with other teachers).

@sparrowfeed I am the same about parties too! Well, the people part, anyway. I don’t really drink.

But, the other thing that makes it a bit difficult for me to identify introverts and extroverts with complete certainty is that there are many other factors that go into how another person acts. Are they tired? Did they have a bad day? Have they had too much to drink? Did something amazing happen to them that has them all grins?

People are much more complex than ‘popular culture’ would have us to believe. (I call it that because I have no idea what else to name it, but basically it is the collective ‘blanketing’, ‘exaggerating’, or just all out ‘incorrect usage’ of a term to the point where the meaning of the term is not at all what it originally was—‘extrovert’ becomes a word for a person who is crazy, obnoxious, dumb, and loud, and ‘introvert’ is the word for a person that is intelligent, depressed, and hates physical contact—and may or may not be planning to kill you.)

@sparrowfeed I find people who need to drink at social events a little tedious. Maybe you can straighten me out. What is it? You’re tense and it calms you down? You aren’t enjoying yourself unless you drink? It’s not a party without a drink? Let’s say it isn’t a social event of people in your field, but just a social thing like a birthday party, wedding, Christmas party, or even out for the night dancing or for dinner with some other couples, etc.

I’m just curious, do you drink regularly in general? I’m not calling you an alcoholic, just wondering if you are a drink every night kind of person? Or, maybe every weekend.

I drink fairly regularly.

@sparrowfeed I tend to think that is why you want a drink more than anything. You probably associate drinking with a lot of things. I’m not a drinker, this is just how it seems to me with people who do drink. If they are not working and it is past 11:00 if there is any sort of event, they think a drink should be there also. If they are having dinner at home, out at a restaurant or at someone else’s house a drink comes either before, during or after, or all three. If it seems justifiable to have a drink, they want a drink. It doesn’t matter if they are home or out, they want a drink. You can correct me if I am wrong. I am not assuming that about you, I am just saying it seems this way to me.

I love to talk to strangers when I’m out and about. So, yeah, I think we all do have a mix of traits. But if you asked me whether I’d rather spend an entire year all by myself, or an entire year living in a house with 20 people, I’d not only choose to be alone, I’d look forward to it!

So would I @augustlan. As long as I could go out and see people. I’d much rather live in a house on my own than with 20 people.

Oh, I meant all alone for the entire year. No visiting!

That would be a bit harder… :-) Do I have the internet?

Oh hell yes. I don’t think I could live without the internet, haha. :)

Then I’d probably be a bit like a cat with too much energy (you know, running up the curtains) but unless I had my own space, I’d definitely go with that than live with 20 people.

It’s only bad when taken to the extreme. Interaction with other people keeps us healthy.

One of my dreams for as long as I could remember has been to live on an island all alone completely cut off from society :P

I’m an introvert but I like interacting with people. I just prefer meaningful conversations over small- talk.