Who was the jerk here?

“I get the feeling that you are upset with me. I honestly don’t know why. I value our friendship and want to resolve this now. Can we talk?”

I think his response will tell you whether or not he’s mature enough to deal with his emotions.

He was irritated, and he lashed out at someone he saw, you.
Don’t take it to heart.

Sounds like it is probably a combination of a lot of the things you’ve already mentioned. First and foremost, if he has just broken up with this girl, and has been wanting to see you to talk your ear off about it, then the last thing he wants to do is see you and your boyfriend together, being all couple-y. It keeps him from being able to talk about the breakup, and reminds him of what he doesn’t have. And yeah… actually my first thought was that he was into you, until you said he wasn’t gay. Maybe there is a new development there?

The bottom line is, you won’t know until you have a chance to talk to him alone. I would try to ask him for a one-on-one, to talk about what seems to be pissing him off. But then, since he’s pissed off, realize that he might not want to.

Sometimes, these kinds of things can’t be resolved quickly – don’t be too disappointed if you don’t get a chance to clear the air before you leave. Life is long, if it’s a good friendship, you’ll be able to patch things up eventually.

I have been a dick this week. But my pseudo-grandpa passed away. I wouldn’t take it personal. Maybe there is more going on in his life than you know.

Just brush off his shit as long as you can and hope things go back to normal. Or ask him what is up.

Thank you, @tom_g. That’s the way to be gentle and kind. I appreciate your advice.

@filmfann: Thank you. That very well may be the case.

@glacial: Thank you for your thoughts, and for the long-view reminder. I do agree there are many factors at play. I don’t think he’s just broken up with a girl, as he wasn’t in a relationship but had just gone on a few dates with someone, but he was very preoccupied with his texting last night. I was already going to try to have some one-on-one time with him this week.

@johnpowell: Thank you very much. And I am sorry to hear of your loss.

I’d agree with your boyfriend, 100%.

@bob_ : Thank you. About “how people deal with impending loss” or this guy having a dude crush on me?

@bookish1 Both.

Otherwise it’d have been 50% :P

One thing that is for sure is that you were not even close to being a prick. The guy was probably rattled by the situation with his lady, sad to be seeing you leave, and maybe slightly jealous at seeing you and your boyfriend enjoying each other’s company so he acted out. I love @tom_g‘s script as a jumping off point for a conversation with him.

@bob_: Thanks, I gotcha :-p This might be the most dialogue I’ve ever seen you exchange in at one time on here!

@SuperMouse: Thank you. I appreciate your perspective. I hate feeling like I’ve inadvertently been a dick and hoped that was not the case. I will try to approach him and find some one-on-one time to talk this week.

It doesn’t seem to have been you. I like @tom_g‘s suggestion, and hope it all works out. Keep us posted!

@tom_g hit the nail on the head. A gently worded text or email saying something along the lines of “You seem like you are mad. I’m not sure what happened but if you would like to discuss it, I would be happy to.”

I would let it go until you are back in the country. It is him not you. Who knows what’s going on with him? It could be a number of factors.

Too much drama. Drama makes jerks of everybody.

@augustlan: Thank you, and I will!

@jca: Thank you. @tom_g‘s suggestion was great. I will take care of that today.

@marinelife: Thank you. You’re right that it could be any number of things I’m not aware of. But I’m not inclined to just let things drift. He might think I’m ditching him because I’m moving onto “bigger and better” things. (I think he’s also feeling jealous that I have this opportunity to travel.)

@josie: Thank you. But where’s the drama, except for what he himself started?

@bookish1 My point exactly

I definitely don’t think it’s you, @bookish1. You made far, far more effort than I would have!! I would have balked fast—it would’ve felt like a manipulation attempt and I don’t take those well.

Since you appreciate academia… Coming from an area of study I’m focusing on right now, I think it’s a difference in intent and interpretation. You have your intent and how you define your thoughts and actions. It sounds like this guy has an interpretation of your actions that is completely different from your intentions. His interpretation of your actions makes him think you are being a prick— which clearly isn’t your intent (or my interpretation!)

The challenge with solving problems often lies with whether the other person’s willing to modify their interpretation. If they cling to their interpretation, even with explanations and clarifications, it’s harder to come to an agreement with them.

I sometimes get hostile or cold in a situation where someone I love is leaving or something, so I’d just let it go, although from your point of view, it could be hurtful. Sorry babe.

<<< the jerk was here

_ Am I trying too hard to derive rationality from a stupid emotional situation? Can you think of any other explanations for what was going on, or who was being the prick (and why)?_
He (the friend) was asking like a prick, and that is being kind, because he was letting his pride rule is handling of the situation. You tired to include him, if he didn’t care to go he should not wish that you should cancel only to be with him. He may have felt no one wanted to go with him anywhere that night; maybe he was turned down before he met you and you were taking the brunt of the earlier rejection, but that is life. When you ask anyone to do something for you, go with you anywhere, give you anything you have to be prepared of the fact it is 50/50 at best. They will agree or not. If you can’t stand to get a “No”, *DON’T ASK. Then because of his hurt feelings he is going to pass up a free beer, which I am sure he wanted, and call himself giving you back the ”snub” you gave him is just a petty waste of energy. I would let him go stew a couple of days then talk to him when he can be talked to. If he wants to hold a grudge because you had a prior commitment that evening before you met him, there is nothing more you can do.

Haven’t yet read any of the other responses, but will do so, tomorrow.

Dude! This friend clearly has a crush on you, whether or not he claims to be straight or not. He could actually be straight and still have a crush on you (remember my thing about Fran Drescher?) I have a chick crush on her, but I’m totally straight.

He knew you were leaving town and wanted to spend some time with you. You didn’t make any specific plans to hang out with him, but I suspect that when he saw you with your boyfriend (and you two looked so happy and casual and together, like people who have known each other for a long time) he was crushed/angry/irritated/confused that he was not that person. The person with you.

I don’t know whether or not he knew you had a new boyfriend. If he did, he probably would have asked you about it, before the fact of accidentally bumping into you at the first bar. If he didn’t know, the sight of you as part of a happy couple, probably threw him for a loop. And because it sounds like he’s been harboring a secret crush on you, he didn’t know how to act. And because I suspect he’s on the younger side, he probably hasn’t yet learned to control his emotions/disappointment. If he had been closer to your boyfriend’s age, he might have been able to have mustered up a wee bit of humility, said his quick hellos, shook hands with his rival, given you a furrowed brow sigh, and then “remembered” that he had a previous engagement and then excused himself.

Try not to be too hard on him. Give him a nice long phone call, or a very brief visit (alone) with you before you leave, and explain to him that you recently met your new boyfriend, that you still want to have a friendship, and that you hope that you can all be friends in the end. Then give him one of those “straight guy” hugs, where you reach out to shake his hand and then give him a vigorous slap on the back (don’t pull in tight) and tell him that you will talk to him soon, then send him a quick e-mail within a day or two of arriving in France, so that you don’t look like you lied to him about talking to him soon.

Now, carry on.

Thanks @josie. I get what you meant now.

@linguaphile : Thank you. You’re quite right about how tricky it is to figure out intent when you’ve already slapped an interpretation on there.

@KNOWITALL : Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m not like that at all, so it’s hard for me to understand, but I’ll try to remember that other people don’t work like I do ;)

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies : Haha, not at all.

@Hypocrisy_Central : Thank you for your input. I definitely felt like I did all that I could to include him, and that he was being unreasonable, but I wanted to put the question to the collective here.

@Kardamom: Thank you. I think he does have some sort of crush on me; I’m not sure if it’s an admiring dude crush or something more romantic/sexual. This friend has met and hung out with my boyfriend several times before. But I think we have different approaches to relationships, which might increase his jealousy regarding my boyfriend. The friend views a relationship as a reliable way to have sex… and so he thinks that my boyfriend and I are going at it every time we are hanging out alone, or that we are always on the verge of leaving some social situation to go have sex! Which is not at all the case. But I think this misconception makes him insecure and envious around us. The friend is older than me, but he is not very good at being self reflective and forward about his emotions.

Update: The friend reached out to me today by text, and apologized and said he needed to explain his behavior. Apparently he was super drunk when we first saw him the other night, and he gets drunk so rarely that I didn’t even recognize it. He was very upset after having gotten into an argument with a girl he’s been seeing, and he acted strangely around us because he just wanted to go out alone and drink, and was not expecting company. The text message that he sent me that night was just blowing off steam, apparently this girl had called him a prick; he was not calling me a prick.

In other words, it was just bad timing running into him, and it was nothing that my boyfriend and I did. I’m going to have some one on one time with him tomorrow to hang out one last time before I leave the country.

Thanks again, all, for your perspectives. I really appreciate the help!

Thank you for the update.

I’m so glad he called to explain and apologize. I would have hated it if you had left the country not knowing what had really happened. : )

That just shows how distorted things can become! So glad he cleared things up.