Question about Christianity and premarital sex? (more details inside)

As a Catholic (yes, Catholics are Christians) teh Church doe snot condone pre-marital sex, but I, as a conscience reviewing individual, knows that God gave me the ability to have sex, and that a wise person does so in the context of a loving, caring, relationship.

As far as I know, Jesus never said anything about sex one way or the other, except to tell prostitutes that they did not need to anymore, and that they would not be judged.

Here is an earlier question about the premise raised here. Many thoughtful answers.

http://www.fluther.com/153903/is-it-true-that-all-christianity-believes-sex-before-marriage-is/

Disclaimer; asked by me, in the spirit of mutual inquiry.

I look at it this way. No one would say that Adam and Eve were whores, would they and yet there was no priest or rabbi to bless their union. I think God knows better than most that we are not perfect and he also knows what is in our hearts. I don’t see how loving someone, can be wrong.
I like to think it is only wrong when you do it for self gratification and you don’t love the other person. Which can even happen when married. Marriage in the church merely blesses the union.

If one were to follow the strict guidelines, it is also a sin to have sex while on birth control or to do it simply because you want too. It is suppose to happen to be able to have children. Which would really mess up a lot of relationships.

Lust in any form is a sin, so I find it is one sin that is virtually impossible to win. So married or unmarried you will sin in that regard, many times.

I’m a Christian too and struggled as well.
The thing is, the Bible was written 2000 years ago when the life expectancy was maybe 40 and girls were married when they were 13 or 14.
God made your body to want to reproduce before the age of 25. Little more than one generation ago and you would be considered an old maid by now. You need to prayerfully consider what is right for you. This might be different than for someone else and that’s ok. Unless you keep quiet about it, you may be subject to judgment from other Christians and really, that’s THEIR problem, not yours.
Please don’t beat yourself up over this. You were created a sexual being and that is exactly how God intended you to be. If you and your boyfriend feel comfortable and you are committed for a lifetime, live love, be happy. Amen.

I’m a little confused about what you are asking us? What is the question?

Sex is really amazing.
I love it, and I’m glad you like it too. I’m glad the religious stuff hasn’t brainwashed you into being one of those girls who can’t enjoy it because it’s so ‘sinful.’

Welcome…
If were not allowed to have sex why did God give us hormones, feelings and yes sex organs?
I think there is a way to look at it, sex in my true opinion is when two humans connect and it’s way of showing one another that they accept each other and respect each other unconditionally. Sex is very important and it’s the best communication tool ever. You will never truly know your partner if you never had sex. It’s a journey of mutual exploration. It can be wonderful but most important is that you both got to be open minded to new experiences.

Best you enjoy it now. Relationships change when baby arrives.

I am happy and a little surprised that the responses here to my question seem to be more on the positive side of things. I thought for sure that a large group of people would think I should be smited or something for feeling this way about sex with someone I love lol (that’s what a lot of people preach).

@_Whitetigress was that supposed to be helpful? I’m confused by your response, could you explain please?

@bkcunningham I specifically said “But am I still wrong? Am I a bad Christian? Should we stop?” and “Any advice or opinions”

I’m looking for what people think of my situation and relationship with the Lord and sex from a Christian perspective. The “am I wrong” and “am I a bad Christian” is just a summarization of all the questions that go through my mind when thinking of this topic but they are questions that I wonder if other people think they can answer.

@Neodarwinian So far I have gotten a lovely array of useful and genuine advice that is special and of use to me, just maybe not specifically from you. I wanted to avoid non Christians because of people such as yourself for associating religion with words like “convoluted” and “twisted”. It is a personal journey I have decided to take for myself with God and I am insulted by your words. I worded this for Christians so as not to get into an argument over the worth or truth of Christianity. Please do not take this response as me being mean or biting at you, it just seems like you responded with no real answer, only a disguised insult.

@antimatter exactly! We did it for that type of connection and communication. We have grown in our sexual relationship and it is a way of expressing how we feel. Whether it is love, lust, adoration, or companionship, it always feels like a beautiful way of talking without words :)

@Judi I’ve thought about that angle; about the Bible being outdated? It’s just sometimes hard to know which rules count as being outdated and which ones to follow? I don’t want to seem like the type that is picking and choosing what to follow you know?

@zenvelo Jesus never specifically mentions sex but forever the church has preached against it and I guess it confuses me.

A big part of why I feel so torn about this matter is the concept of “purity”. You know, the whole thing about a bride wedding her husband and wearing white to be pure and only for him. Thing is, I plan for my first and only sex partner to ALSO be my husband. I just happened to have slept with him before the wedding. Bible says nothing about that lol.

I feel as though He wouldn’t have blessed me with someone who loves me unconditionally and expect me to not want to enjoy every part of him? lol I am completely against just random sex and hookups that a lot of people have where sex has no meaning. But why would the Lord be against sex in a committed and strong relationship, even if they are married in the law? I guess there isn’t a such thing as “heart marriage”? lol

Religion is a form of self-discipline, so you should wait. My uncle and his wife were both virgins until they married in their late 20’s, so it’s not impossible.

I lived with my husband before marriage and it was a little confusing, since I’m a Christian. So I prayed that God would give us a way to be married (we were broke), and a week later my husband won the lottery. If it bothers you, pray about it! :)

I think your Mother gave you some very good and practical advice and you should follow it.

If you knew how many Christian (now happily) married couples had sex before their official marriage date, you’d be greatly surprised.

Just don’t be expecting approval from judgemental legalists. You sound as if you want someone to try to shame you into doing differently from what you and your fiancé are ok with and if you go blabbing about it to the wrong people that’s precisely what you will get.

This is between your conscience and understanding of a loving God. If you’re at peace between you and God, then it really doesn’t matter what people think.

We all pick and choose. Not many Christians avoid shellfish and mixed fibers. The church has no problem marrying people who’ve been divorced before.
Paul said “All things are permissible but not all things are beneficial.”
That’s why I said it really is between you, your boyfriend and God.
There was a time in my life where I needed the strict structure of fundamentalist rules. As my faith has matured I understand why I needed that then but I no longer need that.
If the two of you give it prayerful consideration (I think praying together is more intimate than sex) and take the time to listen, you will figure out what’s right for you.

@hummingbug3, you should seek your own answer from God through reading the Bible and through prayer, not from us. Do you have a church family who you can talk to about this? My question to you when I asked what you were asking should have been why are you asking? If we all say that you are wrong and can show you in scripture, will you stop having sex? I doubt it. If I say you shouldn’t feel any guilt that God has blessed you having sex with your boyfriend, will it make you feel better and stop your guilt? I doubt it. The decision and the consequences are on you.

Like @Judi said. In the end we all face our own Judgement. Trying to emulate our Lord’s perfection is hard.

I currently am in between churches. My church that I have been a member of for my entire life is of an “older” congragation (as in 70% of members are 60+ years old) and currently has a new pastor I’m not particularly close to or fond of. I have been looking for a new church home. The thing is, with a topic like sex I feel that in person I have to be comfortable with talking to that person about it. As of right now, there is no one I can really go to….......so that’s why I turned to the internet to see other’s opinions. I’ve been making the decision purely based on my own thoughts, my boyfriend’s thoughts, and prayer. Outside advice and opinions helps me see other perspectives that I may not have thought of before.

Have you two talked about getting married?

@bkcunningham yes we have. We plan to

Why do you want to get married? And I’m being serious. What will be different in your lives compared to now after you are married? Why get married?

The thing is, with a topic like sex I feel that in person I have to be comfortable with talking to that person about it. As of right now, there is no one I can really go to….......so that’s why I turned to the internet to see other’s opinions.
The Internet is not the place to ask. You need to ask the Spirit if you truly want to be in right standing with God. What does the Bible say?

We are married in our hearts, just not legally.
Give Caesar what is Caesar.
Romans 13:1
Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God.

What does that tell you? If the law says you have to do this or that to be married isn’t that what you have to do? If I think the government is corrupt and I should not pay them taxes because they will miss use it, do I get to because I feel like it?

I’m just confused about everything though and I still want to be “right” in the eyes of the Lord yet still be happy and take pleasure in the gift he has given me. It’s really confusing…..I feel like I should feel bad about sleeping with him, but I really don’t.
There is a lot of things we like to do and enjoy but it doesn’t line up with what the Father wants.

Galatians 5:16–25
Walking in the Spirit
16 I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. 17 For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.19 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

1 Peter 4:2
2 that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.

If you believe the Bible you are reading and Him who inspired it, you have a good idea what you should do to be “right” with Him. I can’t judge you on it aside from the Word, nor say if you are a sinner or not, THAT IS GOD’S, and only HIS decision. He gave us His Word, to point us in the direction we must go.

Sorry if I did not give you a watered down acceptance to sex up the b/f before marriage, I am just giving you the straight dope from the word of God. We all have the choice to live for Him, or live for ourselves.

@Hypocrisy_Central, that is the right and good answer. It is.

I have a hard time taking seriously an answer to this question from the guy that just asked everyone to measure their dick.

Taking the answer seriously or not, @Judi, is it wrong?

I read all that you type @Hypocrisy_Central, which is the same as I have been taught/told for my entire life. I understand that view as well (which is why I am asking this and even have the confusion in the first place with my own feelings). Though I do think the 1 Peter reference isn’t really applicable as everyone, even those in marriage experience a lust for their significant other. But they can still have a lust for the will and acceptance of God also and still want their spouse in a sexual way? So can you address something that Judi pointed out earlier about His Word being written 2000 years ago? I mean, people were getting married at incredibly young ages; meaning an incredibly small gap between the time they reach sexual maturity and the time they start popping out infants. I highly doubt people in biblical times were together 4+ years before even getting engaged because they were waiting until they were financially stable. THIS is why I ask this and am confused because everyone as Christians cannot follow everything that is written. So how do I know what is ok and what isn’t ok and how to apply that in a modern time? Though I do agree, it’s a little hard to take this answer from a guy who just asked about penis sizes (I checked the profile lol) but the answer is still pretty accurate :)

Why do you want to get married, @hummingbug3? I’m curious. What will be different in your lives? Why get married? Why worry about it at all?

@bkcunningham Why not get married?

@bkcunningham Marriage means different things to different people. It is not only a religious exercise, and it is not just a threshold to delimit when one may have sex. Every person who wants to get married will have a different answer to your question. So what does it matter exactly why @hummingbug3 wants to be married?

I think throwing 1 verse scriptural answers rarely helps in these situations. She can’t put he genie back in the bottle. She is where she is and she can ascribe sin and shame to herself or embrace grace.

@hummingbug3 Though I do think the 1 Peter reference isn’t really applicable as everyone, even those in marriage experience a lust for their significant other.
Which means what, that you should put your husband or wife ahead of God?

2 Timothy 3
Perilous Times and Perilous Men
3 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! 6 For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, 7 always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.

If you want God to be first, then make Him first. If you want to serve your loins then serve it first. As the passage say, you can have a form of godliness but deny it of its power and fool men, but not God. Self-control is part of the sacrifice we do for God.

Romans 6:14–16
14 For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.
From Slaves of Sin to Slaves of God
15 What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? Certainly not! 16 Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one’s slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness?

If you are looking to have someone tell you that because God said that thousands of years ago it no longer applies, I am not the one. If you can show me the Bible has clauses in it that updates itself and molds it to the whim of the church for the decade, century it is in, and you can show me by scripture, I will believe it. You also have to decide for yourself if you believe what God is telling you through the Bible what sin is to Him or not. I know what it shows me, and many of those things I had to avoid, and some I still struggle to avoid. Even though you have done it already you are not doomed for you are under grace and not the law. If you want to live under your own rule and not God’s you will be judge under the Law which leads to destruction because no human could live under it.

Hebrews 13:6–12
So can you address something that Judi pointed out earlier about His Word being written 2000 years ago?
8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. 9 Do not be carried about with various and strange doctrines.
Follow the bread crumbs, Christ and the Father are one, so God is the same as He was yesterday, as He is today, and will be tomorrow. So what was established then has not been done away today. It doesn’t matter how old the Bible is, God is still the same. Two thousand years from now, if the world last as long, it will still apply. That being said:

I mean, people were getting married at incredibly young ages; meaning an incredibly small gap between the time they reach sexual maturity and the time they start popping out infants. I highly doubt people in biblical times were together 4+ years before even getting engaged because they were waiting until they were financially stable.

It is only young to modern man. Man tries to keep young adults as kids past when God made them adults; that is why He instructed the elders to teach them, because He knew they were yet young. They did not have lengthy engagements because it wasn’t necessary. If the man did not have an income, his father had and many lived with the family even after marriage. They were not as today wanting to flee their parent’s home and control as soon as they can, or sponge on them if too lazy to work. The bride’s parents also paid a dowry, I believe, but I will have to get back to you on that. There is little to be confused about, God set the degree, and it has not changed.

Though I do agree, it’s a little hard to take this answer from a guy who just asked about penis sizes
Fair enough, I do not usually ask those types of questions but many here respond better to those types than my usual. To ask a man what size it is, is not sin. If I instructed him to use it out of wedlock or to expose it, then it would. Regardless of who I am, the words I present to you are not my own, or my own interpretation, they come straight from the Word of God. Unless I misquoted it, and you can check the Bible to see, the words can be taken as that; the Word of God.

@Hypocrisy_Central just to specifically address the thing about putting husband or wife before God, that wasn’t what I was saying. I know that He comes first, but you specifically quoted “2 that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.” With that specific quote, it sounds like God expects people to not lust after other man AT ALL which is something I disagree with. Even those who are heavily against premarital sex usually agree that sex inside a marriage is meant for pleasure as well and is a beautiful thing. Sex and some form of lust go hand in hand so I think God would expect those who are even married to experience lust for the flesh while still living for the will of God. That’s all. Maybe we are just misunderstanding each other.

It is only young to modern man. Man tries to keep young adults as kids past when God made them adults; that is why He instructed the elders to teach them, because He knew they were yet young. They did not have lengthy engagements because it wasn’t necessary. If the man did not have an income, his father had and many lived with the family even after marriage. They were not as today wanting to flee their parent’s home and control as soon as they can, or sponge on them if too lazy to work. The bride’s parents also paid a dowry, I believe, but I will have to get back to you on that. There is little to be confused about, God set the degree, and it has not changed.

^you say this, but the fact is still that the society we live in is different now. You might say that man tries to keep young adults kids for longer, but that is precisely the issue causing this circumstance in the first place isn’t it? Regardless of if it is “right” or not, we now live in a world where we are held as “children” for longer even when we are not. Shouldn’t that be considered? I know you posted it to better explain your side, but it seems to actually argue more towards the opposite.

Also, you say you try to follow everything, so do you not eat shellfish and do you carefully and intentionally avoid wearing polyester?

@bkcunningham I want to get married because I believe that union is ultimately necessary to raise a family in. I want children eventually and I believe that the best situation for my future children would be to grow up in a household where there is a mommy and daddy there to instruct them in different aspects of life from their own experiences from both a male and female perspective. I want my children to see how a happy relationship SHOULD be and what to look for in their own future spouses. I also want marriage so I can live with my partner and spend more time with him. Not to mention the security both financially and emotionally. Quite frankly, the best reason is just because it makes me happy having the ultimate level of commitment with him. Just knowing that we will be there for each other through thick and thin for the rest of our lives. I can see it, and it makes me unbelievably happy.

I hope no one thinks I’m angry or trying to argue. I’m happy having a long and intuitive discussion. It’s giving me a lot to think about :)

@hummingbug3 , for being new to our community you seem to fit in great. Welcome. I hope you stick around.

@Judi why, thank you :) I talk a lot and tend be a bit wordy sometimes so I hope that isn’t a bad thing ^_^ I don’t like confrontation so I fear getting into “internet arguments” with people

Wordy isn’t a bad thing and if someone starts getting argumentative and you don’t like it there is a little word up there ^^^ that says “stop following” and you can just walk away.

@hummingbug3:Welcome to fluther:

Why is “internet arguments” in quotation marks? The collective asks only for clarity;if wordiness gets in the way, that’s a good reason to edit. Kurt Vonnegut once said, “If I had had more time, i would have made it shorter.”

@OP: No offense, but where do you live where you’re ‘smited’ to be having sex? You seem to be part of a very small and narrow community. Most people say that sex is OK before marriage. It’s a positive step you’re taking getting away from the opinions of others to live your life, and I think you should keep doing what you’re doing… but never feel guilty for anything like that. The only thing you should really feel guilty about is cheating on your partner, because that is a sin.

@hummingbug3 just to specifically address the thing about putting husband or wife before God, that wasn’t what I was saying.
I did not feel you were outright saying that. I was trying to point out that we place things ahead of God, often without thinking about it; be it job, making money, gambling, addictions, etc.

I know that He comes first, but you specifically quoted “2 that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.” With that specific quote, it sounds like God expects people to not lust after other man AT ALL which is something I disagree with.
Basically the lust of man in this case includes all of the ”me 1st” things man does. By chasing after what is pleasurable for us ahead of God’s will. We should desire our wives and husbands but in love. Lust is personal; it is self-seeking, where love is extended to the other person. You are to have a fervent desire through love for your wife or husband; the Bible even demands such.

Even those who are heavily against premarital sex usually agree that sex inside a marriage is meant for pleasure as well and is a beautiful thing. Sex and some form of lust go hand in hand so I think God would expect those who are even married to experience lust for the flesh while still living for the will of God.
Oh yeah, sex is SO GREAT because God is the creator of it.
1 Corinthians 7:5
5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

In fact it is a sin for saints to use sex as a weapon or to punish a spouse because of anger or malice towards them. Many saints do this and it is wrong. That is why the Bible say to not go to bed with your anger, because it will cause you not to have sex with your spouse, and since we humans are greatly lacking in self-control, can lead one to cheat. We are not animals that only think of boinking when we go into heat, we were made to enjoy the full range of sexuality under the banner of marriage.

Hebrews 13:4
4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

Just another reference, in marriage anything goes; the marriage bed and any sex done in it is undefiled. You can sleep around or cheat if you want, but God will judge that.

Romans 6:1–2
Dead to Sin, Alive to God
1 What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? 2 Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?

Some would use the fact that sex is great and created by God as an excuse to do it outside the parameters God set; using grace to cover the iniquity they want to wantonly do. Paul made it clear that just because you get a pass on it, you should have self-control not to do it because you more want to serve God then the pleasure of your loins.

you say this, but the fact is still that the society we live in is different now. Regardless of if it is “right” or not, we now live in a world where we are held as “children” for longer even when we are not. Shouldn’t that be considered?
No it shouldn’t. Should God change because man does? Should men be allowed to lust over women because of the Internet which did not exist back then? Because there are literally 100s of dozens of women you can see naked, having sex in all fashions at the click of a mouse, should God say “I know they can’t help clicking on, they do not have to have an actual woman disrobe to see her nakedness as back then, and he is not seeing her physical nakedness, so I will let it slide”? How the world does things apart from how God intended it is the fault of man. That is what Christ so tried to show the Sadducees, and the Pharisees. They were so caught up in their own form of righteousness they could not see the Messiah walking among them.

Also, you say you try to follow everything, so do you not eat shellfish and do you carefully and intentionally avoid wearing polyester?
Those conditions God made provisions to, God, not man.

Acts 10:11–16
11 and saw heaven opened and an object like a great sheet bound at the four corners, descending to him and let down to the earth. 12 In it were all kinds of four-footed animals of the earth, wild beasts, creeping things, and birds of the air. 13 And a voice came to him, “Rise, Peter; kill and eat.”
14 But Peter said, “Not so, Lord! For I have never eaten anything common or unclean.”
15 And a voice spoke to him again the second time, “What God has cleansed you must not call common.” 16 This was done three times. And the object was taken up into heaven again.

If you can point me to verses with the equivalent of saying man can lay with any woman, or any other man as with his wife, or a woman can lay with any man or any other woman as with her husband, I would be love to study it.

@sparrowfeed It’s pretty much the way all Christians are taught are supposed to try to strive for, not a real small group at all. She’s like most of us, it seems, and is trying to figure out if she’s going to be able to resist pleasure in Jesus name. Most of us fail, but it’s difficult to go against everything you’ve been taught all your life.

@hummingbug3, I don’t think your replies indicate you are angry. On the contrary. I think you are treading into water where you haven’t been before. You are poking around trying to get your footing on unfamiliar ground. I’ve been there too. I was in a situation where I was living with a man and not married. I’m not going to go into details, but I prayed daily for God to forgive my sins including the sin of living with him out of wedlock. I know God understood my situation, He saw it and I talked to Him about it constantly. I didn’t want to get married to this man but I was in so deep I didn’t know what to do.

I talked to my minister and he was honest and said he couldn’t help me because he wasn’t trained in counseling. I went to another minister who was a counselor and he told me pretty much what @Hypocrisy_Central said. I knew he was right. I also knew God understood my personal situation. The minister/counselor said it was dangerous and wrong to knowingly sin everyday and to ask God to forgive me. He said I should turn away from the sin, but I didn’t feel at the time that I could.

Looking back, I don’t think I wanted anyone to tell me it was not a sin to live with this man. I knew it was a sin. I also knew God knew my heart. I think I just wanted someone to love me through a difficult situation. I was really hard on myself and ended up marrying the guy and living through 17 years of an abusive alcoholic relationship.

Letting go and letting God really take control of your life is difficult. I wish I had the wisdom then that I have now. But everything happens for a reason. There are some good things that came out of that part of my life. There are some bad things too.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Don’t let people tell you what to do. Read and study and talk to God. I wish you the best.

@bkcunningham Letting go and letting God really take control of your life is difficult.
Matthew 7:14
Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.
Thank God you did eventually find it. Where would we be if we didn’t?

I don’t know, I’ve rarely met any real Christians then.

@sparrowfeed Yeah, that’s the problem, all of us put different meanings on being a ‘christian’, try to find ways around the ‘rules’, and then pick and choose the ‘rules’ we follow personally or due to the religious sect/ teachings. It’s very subjective and convoluted, so you can’t blame non-Christians for being confused. :)

Some kids here take religion so seriously they vow chastity until marriage, then there are others like me who are sinning Christians, that’s what forgiveness is for. Jesus said “go forth and sin no more’ so in reality, when we choose to continue breaking rules, like the author of this Q, I don’t believe we can in all honesty feel 100% comfortable in our hearts about it. That doesn’t mean my relationship with Jesus is destroyed, it just means I need to strive harder and truly repent, Jesus knows we’re not perfect and never will be. :)

Lol I don’t follow anything like that, but I do believe sex is something that shouldn’t be looked at trivially, and that one should take responsibility over it. I imagine it’s a lot harder for Christian men than for Christian women to get by without premarital sex?

@Sparrowfeed Women are just as sexually needy as men but society rewards chaste women while scorning chaste men. ego.

I imagine it’s a lot harder for Christian men than for Christian women to get by without premarital sex?
Only those Christian men who are still on milk and not meat.

marriage the way AMERICANS do it today is NOT the way they did it 400 years ago, and other cultures do it different before and after that. God does not care about a marriage certificate, nor would He want you to wait until you have thousands of dollars to get married before you consummate the marriage. In the bible….SEX IS MARRIAGE. Having sex was what “married” you. It made the 2 souls one, and started the spiritual and physical bond. THAT is what God is concerned with. Abusing that bond with multiple partners, or for temporary pleasure. If you met someone, fell in love, and sleep with them, In God’s eyes, THEY are your partner and lifetime companion and you are spiritually married. When you say “eh, im done with you, on to the next person!” THEN you have done something wrong. I struggled with this question for years, and ended up in the exact same position as you. You did nothing wrong.