Should I be honest if that would hurt the people around me?

Nobody is perfect. You can’t expect them to always make the perfect decisions. They are human after all.

Do you think your honesty will get them thinking and fix what is bothering you? It probably will not. It most likely would make things worse. I’m going to assume you still live at home and just daydream and plan on getting out.

Once. you pay your own bills feel free to tell them how you really feel.

It’s hard to answer this without more information. How were they not good parents to you? Did they verbally or physically abuse you or were they just being parents and not your buddy?

I haven’t met many adults who weren’t happy with their parents at some point during their teenage years, but many of us learn to appreciate our parents as we grow older.

Ideally, everyone should be open to feedback, but this is not always the case.
I have had frank discussions with my daughter who is 25 now, and have apologized for a few things that I could have done differently. Yes, we all make mistakes, but open/honest communication is paramount to healthy relationships.
I needed to apologize to my daughter for the crap she had to hear when her dad and I were divorcing 10 years ago. I tried too hard to help her “understand” things she had no reference point for at the age of 15–16.

NOW she gets it, having been in her own relationship for the last 4 years.
My point is…that it was inappropriate of me to involve my daughter in her dad and I’s stuff at the time, although I truly felt she needed to know why we were divorcing.
Acknowledging my mistakes brought us closer.
Too many parents refuse to look at themselves and see their children as being disrespectful if they have a complaint.

Unhealthy people cannot handle anything perceived as criticism and you are the only one that really knows your parents.
If you do wish to address your gripes do it gently, not in an accusing and angry fashion.
IF your parents are even remotely emotionally mature they will be able to truly hear you and show respect for your feelings, but…your complaints need to be really valid, not just ” I am still pissed off that you didn’t let me go to an all night concert when I was 14.” lol

Good luck!

@johnpowell Probably not, no. But it feels wrong to say one thing while believing something different. I don’t live at home. I’m almost 25.
@jonsblond I’m not saying they didn’t do a good job in general, all things considerd. They were not abusive.
@ everyone: I should have said: I guess my problem is their behavior toward my brother. He’s nine. He’s always been insecure. Part of that is probably because they adopted him when he was one. They put their jobs first, and it makes me angry to watch him be ignored.

@notlookingforlove That information does help. You are an adult looking out for a young child, your brother. I think you should be honest. I don’t know if I have the best advice for you about how to address the issue, but I’m sure others will. Good luck. Your little brother is lucky to have you looking out for him.

Living with your parents is tough. I would maintain your current policy until you move out.

@notlookingforlove If you do choose to talk to your parents about how they treat your brother, please be sure to do it in a time and place when he can’t observe the conversation. This will allow your parents to be more honest, and spare your brother from concluding (rightly or wrongly) that he isn’t being cared for.

Also, be aware that there are probably things that your parents are trying to hide for the sake of their children. Their choices about how much time to spend with him might be limited by factors that you’re unaware of. Maybe this is something they worry about, and are trying to protect you both from. Perhaps this is not the case, but it’s a good idea to try to keep an open mind if you do talk to them about it.

Well, how do you think they would react if you were truthful?

@jonsblond Thank you for the advice. It’s touch right now.
@marinelife I don’t live at home, but thanks for answering?
@glacial Definitely I wouldn’t dream of doing it with him there. I don’t think so, but I will keep an open mind. Try.
@Dutchess_III Badly. Shocked probably. But I am being affceted dirctly as he comes to me with problems. I have school and work. I’m glad to be there for him, but still. My parents are on my case all the time not to get pregnant (which I am not trying to do but they are worried because of my long-term-relationship) before finishing school, then they have no problem with basically pushing him off until he comes running to me.

Would they change?

@Dutchess_III I won’t know until I try it.

Let us know.

@notlookingforlove If you do not live at home, then you need to have an adult relationship with your parents. That includes setting boundaries on their behavior.

What you should say is, “When you did or said X, it hurt me. Please don’t do or say that again.”

Then see if their behavior changes. If it does, great.

If it does not, then you have to react differently. “I am going to leave if you bring up the topic of X.” If they persist in bringing it upo, get up and leave. Or “I am not going to talk to you about Y. If you persist in talking about it, I will be forced to end this call.” Then follow through.

Welcome to Fluther.

There are two ways to read your question, you know. One is: “Oh boy, should I be honest with the people I know, because it would hurt them?” (accompanied by an unstated, “Gosh, I can’t wait to do that!”)

Or, as you probably intended, “Should I be honest with people even though the truth might hurt them?” (accompanied, as I expect you meant, by, “And I really don’t want to hurt people unnecessarily.”)

So my general policy is to be honest to the extent that I must be to maintain my own sense of self, self-respect and honor despite the fact that the truth may hurt some people sometimes… and just keep my mouth shut about stuff that doesn’t matter.

While my parents were still alive, I never rehashed every nickel-and-dime sense of outrage and embarrassment that they may have caused me as a child, except to acknowledge some hurts so that we could all laugh about them now that they’re in the past; they don’t affect me now, and “we’re past all of that”. My own kids have continued in this tradition, I think. They’re both in their late 20s now, and though they have some reasons to feel less than thrilled about some decisions that their parents have made, they don’t bring up those things except as the kind of let’s-talk-about-this-and-have-a-laugh-and-shake-our-heads-in-gratitude-that-that’s-behind-us-now.

As a wise man has told me, “Grief and pain shared is grief and pain lessened; happiness and joy shared is happiness and joy increased.” I think that’s a good way to live, if you can.

I believe in honesty, and sometimes the truth can hurt people’s feelings but that is their problem. I find that holding back the truth or lying to placate others does a disservice to everyone involved and perpetuates the head-games that created a lot of our messes in the first place. Some matters are trivial and not worth mentioning, though.

With that being said, if you no longer live at home, what is there to fight about with your parents? Once you are an independent adult, they no longer have any control over you except the control you give them.

From personal experience, I learned that placing blame and pointing fingers means that your choices are still being manipulated by them in some way or another. They made mistakes or poor decisions. The extent to which they have fucked up will vary, but all humans do make mistakes. In my case, I was emotionally neglected by my parents, which made me more susceptible to psychological and sexual abuse from another family member. I had a lot of anger that kept me trapped for decades.

The past can not be changed, and your parents can not be controlled. The only thing that you can control is what you do with the current moment in time. If your actions and choices are determined based on should-haves and what-ifs, you are not acting independently, rather you are reacting based on your past. Let it go. Take accountability for what you do with the here and now, and consider your actions based on the future you want for yourself.

Some of us have to walk away from family members, old friends and even lovers because those relationships are unhealthy for us. If your parents are still trying to manipulate you after you’ve left the nest, then it may be necessary to pull away to some extent – if not completely. Consider writing a letter to each of them. On the first draft, let it all pour out and fully vent your emotions. On revision, try to find more mature wording to express your feelings with evidence to back up the points you are making. If at this point, you are still considering sending the letters, revise again to streamline your points down to the core issues.

There are many posts here on Fluther about dysfunctional family relationships, search through the archives for more insight to how many of us have coped with our own situations. Good luck!

Just this evening there were two people having a discussion in my house. One asked the other if he could, since he has the knowledge and expertise, assist him in setting up a website.

The person agreed but said that he needed it understood that many times he comes of as or is considered an asshole. He said he doesn’t mean to be but is very forthcoming and says what he thinks or believes; that he has come to realize that he does not have that regulator or governor that many people have that allow them to explain what to them is obvious without sounding condescending or belittling. His bluntness or honesty does not go over well because he has never learned how to couch it in flowery phrases that do not offend.

To my way of thinking this is a giant step that he has made. He has come torealize he has a disability and wants to put it out there before he starts. The fact that he now realizes that this is a problem that he has to overcome, one that holds him back from being very successful, is the first step toward being able to rectify it and get on with his life.

Another way to put this is to remember what Thumpers’ mother told him: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”.

If you have real concerns about how your parents are raising/treating your little brother, I think you have to bring them up. Just remember that you can be both honest and kind. Remember that how you say something is sometimes just as important as what you say, especially as it pertains to the listener’s response to it.

“Billy seems to be having trouble with X, Y, Z. I think he might need a little extra time with you” is better than “You are fucking up your kid.”

Thank you everybody.
CWOTUS No it’s the second way of reading. The trouble is my brother. SO I’m not trying to rehash…
@hearkat ‘With that being said, if you no longer live at home, what is there to fight about with your parents? Once you are an independent adult, they no longer have any control over you except the control you give them’ – my brother lives at home
@rojo Thank you for the advice. It’s hard because I see him suffer.
@augustlan Thanks. I’ll try to say it but nicely.

Very nervous about it all. I think I will ge ntly talk to them. Maybe tomorrow or the day after that day.

@notlookingforlove – I was answering your question as posted and did not see your additional detail as it relates to your brother. If you feel they are neglecting him or psychologically harming him, you could report them to your government’s child protective services, and try to get custody of him yourself or let him get put into foster care if you feel you are incapable of being a parent to him yourself. If you feel that there would not be a case against them, then go ahead and confront them.

As others have noted, you want to address them when your brother is nowhere near where he might possibly overhear any of it, and you will likely get a better result if you approach it in a calm and almost professional sounding way, so try to take a step back and remove your emotional projections from your own childhood experiences and speak to them as if you were his school counselor rather than his sibling. Be prepared to give examples of situations where they clearly did not make the child their priority. Also be prepared for a defensive reaction from them, because even if you are able to maintain your objectivity, it is a very emotional subject.

@hearkat Thanks, sorry if I wasn’t being clear. I will try to stay objective though it will be hard.