Single jellies, how do you handle rejection?

I’m sorry to hear about this, @Hawaii_Jake. I know it hurts.

I’ve been discovering over the past couple of years that as a gay guy, it seems much easier to find sex partners than it is to find people who are looking for something serious and lasting. I’ve had a lot of seemingly promising stay-up-til-4-am-talking dates, and then people disappear on me when they realize I’m not going to put out immediately or something. Also, being trans doesn’t help.

It may seem flippant, but I do tell myself this when I am rejected or stood up. It’s something that makes me laugh, but it’s also something good to tell yourself on a serious level. You have to remember that you are a valuable person, and you should only spend time with people who deserve to be with you.

I’ve spent far too long in my young life already dating or in relationships with people who did not deserve me, some of them truly bad people, because I was lonely. I’ve been trying to correct this tendency in the past year through intentional singledom. I don’t think it is wrong to take a somewhat egotistical position when dating—reminding yourself that many people are not looking for what you are looking for, but that someone out there is worthy of you. Being open to the beautiful possibilities in this life, but also guarded of your heart because it is precious.

{{{{Hugs}}}} if you want them.

I lift weights. I read. I try new music genres. I do whatever I can to focus on anything other than her. I just keep telling myself that I have lived before meeting her and I’m not going to let my happiness/well-being depend on that one person. I know it sounds corny, but there are billions of other people out there, so what difference does one person make? This too shall pass.

I think you are brave, I am a coward and rarely have in the past told people I have liked them. I was avoiding the hard feeling of rejection. In a way that is worse since you suffer in silence and never really know if that person would have responded.

I wish I had been like you and just said something and been brave enough to take rejection. I reckon brave people get rejected often so knowing that may help. When it comes to matters of the heart I think it is better to get it out there (although I do not do that) and get it done with either way. Life is short and love is special. I am sorry you were hurt.

It does suck and after a while you can get emotionally beat down… if you let yourself. I just remember that no matter what any guy thinks of me, I know I’m great and if we’re not a match then fine. I am single now and have been for a while (except casual dating like you) and I consider it a great time to focus on my friendships, hobbies, work, and yoga. So I don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing because a) if I’m single it’s because I’m supposed to be and b) who couldn’t use a little time for self-improvement? Good luck! :)

I agree with @LornaLove, that you are brave to even take the step of putting yourself out there and facing rejection.

This past year, I was going through a sort of crisis. I had given up on romantic love, thinking it was not for people like me. Two months ago, I happened to chat up an interesting guy at a bar, and asked for his number, thinking he might be queer. I almost cancelled the date I made with him, because I was so tired of rejection and felt very pessimistic. Well, I thank my lucky stars that I took that chance, because we hit it off immediately. And this was after striking out for months on end. Life is full of surprises, but you won’t encounter many unless you remember your strength and go out to meet them.

I find it hard for people to understand how I feel about things. You know that feeling you get when you’re sad that you put the other person first and they seem to put you second? Or that emptiness that nothing good will ever happen?

Yeah, well, I don’t get that.

People always seem to be afraid of a sense of an ending, and I never seem to understand why. Everything ends. Everything that has a beginning has an ending. You make your peace with that and all will be well. And it’s hard to make my friends understand that because they mistake it for being callous or unkind.

Voodoo dolls.

Nah, seriously, it’s all about moving on. Think of what you might have done wrong, but don’t over-analyze things. Always be yourself and sooner or later someone will come your way.

Oh, and never settle.

I tend to internalize relationship failures and also to hang on as long as I can, even when it’s not good. I read recently that this is common for the ENFP personality type, which helped shed some light. But I even get stung psychically by online connections that go awry before they even have a chance to go anywhere.

What works for me is to let go of outcomes and just be in the process. I think this is probably hard to do when you’re a few dates in and feeling a connection, but it definitely works in the beginning. When I’m cruising online, I like to call it “window shopping.”

Back when I was in the dating scene rejection in the beginning stages of dating was no big deal. Once a relationship developed I am pretty bad at handling a break up or cheating or the feeling the person is drifting away from me.

I guess if I had several rejections or bad first dates in a row it would get to me though. I dated back when I was in my teens and twenties, I have a feeling it would be much different if I was in the dating scene now in my 40’s. Much harder to find someone I have a real connection with.

I find it quite destructive and confidence shattering. I try to tell myself that it is better to find out now than to find out later if we’re not compatible but though that is sensible advice it doesn’t do much to ease the pain. Another thing I do is to realise I do not want to cause this pain to others and so I try to behave to others with decency and with respect for their feelings.

I let the other person make the first move, from dancing, dating and marriage.

I stand in the corner and cry.

Guess I’ve got all this to come, been 10 years out of the dating game, what’s new?

I think this might be happening to me right now. Maybe. Since women love to be confusing, elusive and vague as hell at times.

My BIGGEST THING is I just wish the person would be up front about it. Just tell me you don’t like me, or not interested or whatever the case is. Don’t play childish games with me or I don’t wanna text/call back for couple days.

No just a be a fucking adult and say it. I’ve had to do this in person and sit them down to a girl who I was dating, but in the end I felt way better about it. No doubts about it.

For me rejection is actually not a big deal to me if you just tell me right off the bat that we don’t click or whatever it maybe. Hey too easy,roger, moving on! But dragging it out, playing games with me etc. Now that just pisses me off immensely.

Now I will say it does kinda suck, being rejected, but I haven’t found a girl or woman really who has captured my heart to such a point that being rejected by her would crush me. Which is good and bad in a way…

When you ask how do we handle rejection, I’m still not entirely sure if you mean being rejected during the initiation process, or just not have the date lead to nothing. Personally as a straight guy I’m not a big fan of going after multiple women, learning to get numb to rejection. This wasn’t something I was fond of doing, and I’m not going to kid myself, I just plain and simple don’t enjoy trying to get someone in that way. I’ve been there and have done that, and those days are over.

I’ve noticed that when I mind my own business and show that I have other interests (outside of seeking someone) that they tend to flock to me. Many times too we’ll become friends first, so there’s no guessing with that set-up usually.

It’s been difficult for me though regardless, and most of the women where I live tend to prefer either red necks or gangster wannabes/criminals. Most of my dates usually havn’t led to anywhere, and I recently just lost both my job and seperated from a woman I was seeing, with both of these occuring in the same week. I obviously grew up in the wrong area, lol.

I’ll likely try Eharmony again, since it appears to be a much friendlier site to introverted guys like myself, unlike Match or POF. I’m in a transition period in my life yet again, and I’ve been focusing on getting a decent job (in my field hopefully) and working on my house with my newly acquired freetime. Dating will have to take a back seat for now in my life.

I’m not going to give you any advice, since I’ve struggled myself. I can feel for you and emphasize, and you should know that you’re not alone. I wish you luck, at least in attaining some type of happiness, whether this is acquired from dating/love or through other interests.