Did you allow the unforgivable jerk to explain her- or himself, or did you cut off contact?

Who among us is unforgivable?

@wildpotato ”I can’t imagine anything he could say to explain himself…”

Pity when anyone cannot hear explanations due to their lacking imagination.

@wildpotato ”... and I don’t think I’d forgive him in any event,”

Pity when final judgements are passed without a fair hearing.

@wildpotato ”...so is it worth it to talk to him again?”

Only you can decide what’s best for you. But I’d have a hard time being friends with anyone who could not listen due to their lack of imagination, and passed final judgements without considering unheard explanations. I’d probably prefer you didn’t call me back at all.

I usually don’t hold grudges, unless the person has burned me several times, so for me to answer this question would depend on several things. What the person did, how close they were to you, and if they had done this only once or repeatedly would all be factors I would consider.

What could be so bad? Really, I want to know. PM me. :)

Do what feels the best. If it really is that bad, don’t you want to find out why?

I guess I’m nosy.

One time a dear friend who I was helping while she had cancer and two aneurisms (!) began to berate me, blaming me for all her problems and insisting I was trying to separate her from her family. I had told her early on that I did not want to be in someone’s life one minute more than God wanted me in it, and I’d bow out as soon as I realized that was what was happening.

And that is what I did. I ran into her a few weeks later in a store, and she said, “You stopped calling!?!”

I said, “Yep, I did.”

Forgive her? Absolutely. Go back? Nope. I’m at peace, and I hope she is too.

Depends what they did- I’ve been a huge jerk, and given a heartfelt apology. I’ve forgiven people. And I’ve cut them off. Depends.

Forgiveness does not imply approval. You forgive someone more for your own sake than for theirs so that you don’t have to carry around the poison of that bitterness destroying you inwardly.

Even if you do hear him out on his explanation it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to have any further contact if you decide it is unhealthy for you.

Why not ask him why he is trying to resume contact as if nothing happened and everything is somehow magically hunky dory.

Why not have a sit down with him. Tell him honestly how you feel. Listen to what he has to say and then decide what to do.

Even if all you do is say you need time to think things over at least he won’t still be sending these fakey messages.

That gives you time to think it all over and decide what you want to do.

hunky dory…

for the younger jellies

GA @Buttonstc

OMG. I am so outdated that I need translation :)

And here I thought I was so au courant. I’ve watched every episode of Breaking Bad from the first day it aired. That should count for something huh?

Cut off contact. I guess I just am the kind of person who doesn’t give people a second chance ha. But it actually depends on the situation!

@Buttonstc “Why not have a sit down with him. Tell him honestly how you feel. Listen to what he has to say and then decide what to do.”

Two reasons – I don’t think I want to put myself or the more deeply injured party through the additional ordeal of such a discussion. And, on a less magnanimous and more vindictive note, I am not sure if he deserves the opportunity to unburden himself to me. He deserves to be punished, and this is the best punishment I can think of.

I agree with your first two points. I am not troubled about not forgiving him right now. I know that will take time, if it ever happens. Right now I am more distressed about whether to talk to him at all.

Only you know the unique details of your situation so you have to decide what’s best for you. I wish you the best. It can’t be easy.

Is the person an unforgivable jerk or did they just make a mistake. There’s a big difference between the two.

We all make mistakes, but a jerk is a jerk.

If it were a really good friend (I have 3 friends who I can think of) and this behavior was so untypical of them that it was almost bizarre, then I think our friendship would deserve the opportunity for them to explain what happened or why they have been acting this way.

You say that there is a third party whom is deeply injured by the actions of the second party. Were you present when the injury occurred? If not, then your knowledge of the events is second-hand hearsay. Therefore, you must consider that the injured third party’s side of the story may be exaggerated because of their emotional reaction to the events, and the second party may not know that you know about what happened. There is also the chance that the third party is outright lying or manipulating you, so the second party is acting as if nothing didn’t happen, because maybe nothing really happened.

If you and the second party have never discussed the issue, you are passing judgement without allowing the person you’ve deemed guilty to defend themselves. I personally don’t like making uninformed judgements, so I do try to hear both sides of a story and attempt to glean out the truth. Usually, I find that I can relate on some levels to each of them, and that I can find fault or error in each of their actions. It is rare that such situations are so clear cut between who was “right” and who was “wrong”; life and relationships are much more complex. Getting caught in the middle of a conflict between two friends is not where I would recommend anyone to be.

If what was done was truly reprehensible (i.e. physical/sexual assault, cheating on a romantic partner, criminal behavior), then I’d simply tell the second party that I do not want to maintain a friendship with them because their actions showed that they are not trustworthy, or because they’ve shown that they don’t share the values that I consider to be important in a friend or however you want to phrase it.

I had a long time friend that went behind my back and betrayed my trust. I went overboard and ended up getting in a physical fight with him and said i never wanted to see him again.

Months later we ran into each other and he profusely apologized. Instead of accepting his apology for what was a small issue in retrospect, I begrudgingly walked away.

He committed suicide a few weeks later. I had never felt that much regret for my actions as I did then. As a result, I have learned to never react based purely on emotions.

I would always want the explanation, no matter what. Having gotten it, then I would decide whether to continue talking to them or cut them off. I’ve done both.

My dad didn’t forgive me for choosing not to break up with my boyfriend, and he has cut me out of his life. I never imagined it would last for long but it is coming up to 4 years. I think he is handling it well, he’s kept his distance. I on the other hand, I’m not taking it well. I miss him and have attempted contact. Door has remained bolted shut.