How to tell a parent that you are mentally ill?

It sounds like your need to minimize your contact with your mother. Create that healthy distance.

Do you have a therapist you’re currently talking to? If so, do they know about your relationship with your mother? Our relationships with our parents are too tied to power and often a great source of our anxiety. It sounds like you are fairly close to her (already spoke with her this morning). You might want to talk to your therapist about exploring this relationship – specifically about anxiety, control, and codependency.

We are not close at all. We text this morning, I told her I didn’t want to do this through text and to call. Think she knew an argument was coming so she won’t call, or answer her phone. I haven’t seen her since April. I told her if she doesn’t speak to me today then I don’t want to speak to her for a few week and not to attempt to call me. She is still ignoring me. She just thinks I’m pissed off, and hasn’t the slightest clue what to do, so thinks ignoring me is the best thing to do. In the meantime, her ignoring me has caused blood and broken glass and a broken plate.

Maybe burying the fact that you’re suffering like this is her way of coping with the situation.
She may be so upset that her daughter carries this illness that she’s in denial & that can come across as selfish/harsh.
Obviously I don’t know the full circumstances here, but maybe talk through this possibility with her, if you haven’t already & at the very least you could rule the option out.

@Headhurts Do something for me please. Take a deep breath, and then another one. Walk over to a window that preferrably looks out at something green and just take in the view. Look for some nature, I like animals and just breathe for a minute.

Your mom doesn’t know you have BPD? Yes, I think you should tell her, because it will help her understand why you are how you are, whatever that is. But, obviously I don’t know her well, I am just going on the fact that people can’t read ther people’s minds.

Are you taking medication for bipolar?

Your mom obviously is passive aggressive, and then you get that way, because she gets what she gives. I don’t mean you are acting in revenge or anything. Just you both speak the language of avoidance and needing control maybe? I am not saying that as a criticism, but rather as some thing to consider. Avoiding, and holding onto grudges can be very anxiety provoking.

Have you ever considered having a therapy appointment with your mom? The therapist might help to faciliate cmmunication and understanding.

Also, consider that your mom has some of her own mental issues.

Your mom deserve more credit than what you give..
She might have a better perspective of your situation than you are willing admit.

Your mom is right, there was nothing wrong with you that couldn’t be solved with a little time. But since you have totally convinced yourself otherwise and put yourself in a position that you believe that the only thing that can help you is a constant supply of pills and sympathy.

The fact that you can come here and coherently express yourself, means that you are able to take the steps necessary to rectify your situation.
You got yourself into this situation be cause you have convinced yourself that the world is against you, thus you have build walls to keep certain things out and from interacting with others. Because you compartmentalized your life in such a way , it has also become necessary to assume another personality in order to deal with certain aspects of your life.

You should stop craving attention which justifies your present situation, and get by yourself with the goal of critically analysing yourself. You should avoid placing any blame on any thing or anyone except yourself.
Since you cannot place blame on any one or anything, you have actually taken control f your own life, and given yourself the responsibility and the necessary tools to better yourself.

Make peace where possible with those whom you need to make peace, justify anyone who have deliberately wronged you. Try to see all things as beneficial to you no matter what shade or color.

That way you will live a life free of condemnation, free from anything that seek to keep you down in the dumps feeling sorry for yourself.

You can start with your mom, initiate the conversation with the view to agree with her, a mommy is always of value to a child after all she cannot help herself she is your mommy.

@kess That is one of the best answers that I’ve read on this site.

@Headhurts Really read over what @kess is saying there.

I think if she knew it would be much easier on her. Give her a copy o the book “I Hate You. Don’t Leave Me.” which is a book about how to cope with a loved one with BPD.

I have to say from personal experience, BPD is VERY difficult for people close to the person to deal with. I had a friend with it and to me, it seemed that his behavior was random, over-reactive and made no sense. Once he asked for bus fare from me. I had no money so I told him no. He called me up that night from the ER. He had attempted suicide because I didn’t give him a dollar for bus fare. Until I read the book I mentioned, that seemed totally insane to me.

Give your mom a chance to learn and deal with it. It may be a relief to her.

I think that your psychiatrist or therapist has an obligation, if you request it, to sit your mother down and tell her the facts…your diagnosis, your treatment and her role, if any, in it.

Having to deal with her is clearly adding to your distress and creating more issues.

Why do you need to be so polite?

Simply tell her the truth and then walk away. Do not listen to her. Perhaps cut off the relationship until she can deal with the reality.And say just that.

“Mom, until you can listen and accept the reality of my life and my mental illness, I have to stop spending time with you. Here’s the name of my therapist. He has my permission to discuss these issues with you. I’m leaving now.”

Or reread what @tom-g has written.

Thank you so much for everyones wonderful comments. I know I’ve a bit extreme here previously and I am sorry. I have weird and wonderful views on life and some quite strong opinions that I know are not ‘normal’ and I am sorry for past ‘confrontations’.

@ucme That really means a lot from Fluthers very own joker. Seriously, thank you.
@Adirondackwannabe I went for a long bike ride, in a very quiet area. It helped, I’m calmer.
@JLeslie No, she doesn’t know. When I lived at home she just thought I was a stroppy teenager. I didn’t really understand what was wrong with me. I’m taking meds. One of the reasons for not telling her is, she will think about herself and think ‘what about me’. Reading these responses, maybe I am being selfish too. I on,y tend to see black or white.
@kess Thank you. I think I see what you are saying. I never really thought of it as laying the blame. Guess I am a bit. I do feel like I am screaming to her in my head, ‘look at me, this is me’. Thank you for your comment. Appreciate the change of thought process.
@Mama_Cakes It was the eye opener I needed I think.
@keobooks I will look up that book. I might post it to her ( there is a big travel distance between us now). Thank you.
@gailcalled Thank you. I might try and call her tomorrow and see what I can sort out. I want to get it off my chest, but at the same time I don’t.

@Headhurts I can be serious sometimes, but there has to be a blue moon in the sky, wait & see what the night sky brings eh?
Hope you pick up soon, I like you see, only a bit though :)

@ucme Ok. Thank you. I’m not Kelly Brook (i see everywhere that you’re a fan) so I’ll take a bit.

Ahh, Kelly…she is bang tidy though.
You do like F1 & that makes you alright in my book bonny lass.

@ucme You remember that? Bloody hell, that was some years ago I posted about that.

No, no, you mentioned it in a recent question of yours about famous people you’ve met.
Bet you fancied Juan Pablo Montoya eh?

@ucme oh yea, forgot about that. I did actually. He was the best looking F1 driver, drove like a rally driver, but nice to look at all the same. I was in Monaco the time he hit Schumacher in the tunnel. He was leading at the time. Then I saw him come past with 3 wheels. Devastated.

Yeah I remember that race, Schumacher was always a lucky bugger when it came to shunts though. I remember when he took out Damon Hill in the last race of the season, won him the championship that year, at Hill’s expense.

Sometimes frustration comes from wishing a person could be something other than they are. It is a bit like asking an elephant to do ballet. Accepting that person will not change is probably going to relieve the frustration. Try and get to a support group where people will understand you.

I personally would tell my mother or father (if alive) whether they understood or not. I would not say I am mentally ill, I would say I suffer with BPD. To stop all ignorant thoughts getting out of control.

@Headhurts, thank you so much for sharing this situation with us. I feel privileged to be a part of your experience.

Please, correct me if I’m wrong. From a previous question or answer, I gathered that BPD stands for borderline personality disorder, a serious mental illness.

I have a mental illness, too. Which one is unimportant for this discussion. I was diagnosed 12 years ago, and it shattered my life. I lost everything: my job, many friends, my sense of self worth, etc.

I want to say that it is absolutely not your fault. Would someone blame a person for catching a cold? No. However, mental illness is greatly stigmatized in our world. Do not blame yourself.

Unlike @kess mentioned, I have found medicine to be a great help for me. Finding the right kind of medicine honestly changed my outlook on my life. It renewed my hope for the future. I would not recommend that anyone on this site or any other place on the Internet take the advice of total strangers and not take medicine proven to help. Would we recommend a cancer patient not seek treatment? Of course, we wouldn’t. Yet mental illness seems to be a place where anyone is an expert.

I’m sorry, but @kess is wrong. a little bit of time, as he said, is not going to change the illness.

What helped me was the careful ministrations of doctors, nurses, therapists, case workers, family, and friends. With their help, I found the right medicine to keep my illness in check. I learned the importance of exercise, too, and I meditate some. All this got me to a place where I regained hope.

Through careful steps in my recovery, I began to see the small things I could do to help myself feel better. They were simple things like remembering to take my medicine on time and to get good sleep, etc. I take personal responsibility for much of what happens to me now, but I still rely heavily on others like doctors to assist me.

I educated myself about my illness and shared that information with those closest to me. Some people were receptive, and some were not.

I began to advocate for my own recovery when I was meeting with caregivers. I learned to speak up for me.

I also surrounded myself with a group of loving individuals who knew about my illness and accepted me as I am, an intelligent, caring person with a disease.

My life is radically different today than even one or two years ago. I have hope, and you can, too.

I cannot offer advice on your relationship with your mother. She’s avoiding the situation you are in, and avoidance is the number one coping mechanism for literally all unpleasant circumstances. Hopefully, she will change, but until then, I would limit my contact with her for my own peace of mind.

Finally, let me reiterate having a mental illness is not your fault. It’s not.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness.

@Hawaii_Jake: Brilliant and loving advice. Keep that essay for use at a later date.

Borderline Personality Disorder is incredibly difficult to diagnose at times, and is often misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder. If medication is working to treat your mood swings, then you likely have Bipolar Disorder and should continue taking the medication. If it does nothing at all, then this is because you dont actually have a chemical imbalance and should try seeking behavioral therapy, as that is the only real way to treat your symptoms. The one good thing about Borderline Personality Disorder is that it generally becomes much less severe as you age, unlike many other personality disorders which can often become much worse. I would try not to put to much focus on your mothers opinions and perspectives, and focus on yourself as you are the only one who will have your best interests in mind.

@Hawaii_Jake Thank you for very kind answer. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and co occuring illnesses such as Morbid Jealousy and Anxiety. It’s not easy to live with. I’m sorry you have a mental illness also, I know how hard each day is, and that is just to wake up and put on a fake smile for the rest of the world, let alone the rest of it.

I tried contacting and telling my mum today. I will post about it in an hour or two. I need a soak in the bath first. It wasn’t quite what I expected.

I tried calling his this morning, but she didn’t answer. I text and told her I was trying to call. She said ” I thought you didn’t want to speak for a few week”. So I sent this text. What goes through your head for all these years. Do you just think to yourself ” she’s just in a bad mood” or do you think that there must be more to me, something wrong? Don’t you ever think, “my daughter might mentally ill” or do you just think “sod her, I’ll leave her to it”. The latter I’m guessing. I got no reply. That was 6 hours ago.

@Headhurts Maybe that is a difficult spot for her? She either has to tell you she thinks you are mentally ill, which she might be afraid will set you off or be insulting to you, or she has to tell you she is fed up and stops giving a damn.

Why not just tell her what you need to tell her, instead of quizzing her. If she feels she is always on eggshells with you (I don’t know if she does) then she is constantly in a state of worrying about what she says because you will get angry or upset. If this is the cases she is screwed, she can’t win in her mind. You might feel the same way about her, that you can’t win. I’m doing a lot of guessing, which could be very bad guessing.

Maybe invite her to go to lunch and open up about the whole thing. Tell her you want things to be better.

@JLeslie I don’t think it’s bad guessing. She said she is sick of walking on eggshells. I just know that next time we speak, this will not get mentioned. When I took an overdose, that never got mentioned. She just brought me home and carried on as usual. When we speak again she won’t want to talk about it and if I do then she will try to make light of it, or change the subject.

Tell her a bunch of strangers on a piddling little website seem to care more than she does, maybe that will shock her into action.

@ucme Actually, I tried that with something else. She told me to forget about her then, now I had a new mum.

@Headhurts Have you two ever been to therapy together?

When were you diagnosed as bipolar? Was the overdose when you were much younger?

You both need to be able to understand each other better and each others limitations.

I feel pretty sure your mother loves you intensely, I don’t know if you feel that from her, and it probably saddens her you both don’t have a better relationship. I think if you approach her saying you want things to be better and don’t want her to feel like she is on eggshells that she will hopefully try to participate in making things better.

You all really have a communcation problem, which is extremely common, and I think things can get better. It will never be perfect. Both of you probably need to be realistic about each other.

You probably have expectations of what she should do as a mother and are always dissappointed, and she probably feels similar with you as a daughter. Your expectations might need to be adjusted and then you will feel better. Less angry.

I’m not a therapist, it’s just my take. I hope it doesn’t come out like I think any of the problems you have with your mom is your fault, it’s not about fault, it’s about trying to find a way to make it better. I think if you can solve this it will help you in general with relationships. However, I am assuming your mom is fairly reasonable, if she is off the chart mean, narcissistic, or some other thing that makes her impossible, then it might be impossible.

@JLeslie I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I have taken an overdose at age 21 and 31. She doesn’t know about last time. We’ve not been together for 2 reasons. One, she lives way to far away and for another, she wouldn’t want to. We don’t have that closeness bond. Never have.
She tells me she loves me very much, and I believe she does, but I do not feel it. She doesn’t know how to show it.
She is the type of person that cannot take any form of criticism. If you have a different opinion or tell her she is wrong, it is because you are in a bad mood and she’ll talk about it when you’re not. She can only see her way. Paul keeps telling me that I know how she is, so why do I want her to change now, and I don’t know the answer to that. I just feel an intense anxiety, frustration, every time I think about her.

@Headhurts Oh, Borderline Personality Disorder, thanks for correcting me, sorry I wrote bipolar. I’m sure it is very frustrating and upsetting for you that she constantly dissappoints you. My guess is she is clueless about what to do. That is not me making an excuse for her, but for whatever reason, she has no idea how to make you happy.

Have you ever told her you want to get along better and if she is willing to really give it a try with a third party present to mediate? This is not about her being all wrong, it is about the both of you learning about each other and trying to work through it. The relationship may never be very close though, but maybe it can cause you less anxiety.

Do you have any understanding why she might have felt overwhelmed while you were young? Or, that she is imperfect herself and just might have screwed some things up.

@JLeslie That’s probably the best idea I’ve seen on this thread. It might be worth a try Headhurts, but don’t be surprised if your mum doesn’t want to do it.

She sounds like she’s making rash choices that she’s bound to regret, very strange.

@JLeslie We tried this once, but it was with her husband in the room. All she did was talk about her work, the people she works with, her house and garden. Andy (her husband) even said to her, are you going to let Leila speak. She put on her best pout, crossed her arms and said go on then. I think this is where I’m not blame. It has only been in the last year, possibly two thatI have started to say all this to her, and be off with her. Before that, I was quite ‘happy’ to just let her say her bit about herself and then close the door. When she comes round, she will come in and then straight away start talking about herself, if Andy tries to speak she tells him she is speaking. It’s only just before she leaves to go home, does she ask about Paul and I.
I agree with you, that she just doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know how to be different, and I don’t know how to be like before and just let it go.

@Headhurts Do you both share any interests?

@Not that I know of. We both like watching soaps, that’s about it.

@Headhurts That might be part of the “problem” in that you all don’t have things to talk about. Either you wind up talking about you or her and both spiral into arguments and hurt feelings. Maybe if you both make boundaries about topics to avoid and try to find things you are both interested in it would help. You both push each others buttons I am sure. I don’t think you have to try to be very close to her and develop some sort of magical parent child relationship, I just think it might make you feel better if you both can be together without things always being very stressful.

Lastly, the more you desire her to be a certain way for you, the more you let her control who you are. Why not just think she can be a pain in the ass, lots of mothers are, and disengage when she gets out of control. Warn her, say slmething like, “mom you are upsetting me can we switch topics?” Or, something similar. You can only change you, you can’t change her, but she is likely to change if you change.

I’m just curious, do you feel like you were dealt a crappy mom and everyone else around you got lucky and has normal ones?

@JLeslie I know thank you. You are right. It bugs me that I feel like this all of a sudden. Before, I could just switch off.

I don’t know I would say crappy mum, but I do feel she weren’t made to be a mum. We never did things together, she never took me anywhere. She never liked other kids around. I were never allowed friends over unless it was my birthday, and then it was only 3, and we had to be quiet and not touch anything. I never had sleepovers at my house. We never went clothes shopping. She would always show me up. She used to wear really short dresses and turn up at school like it.

@Headhurts Homestly, it really does sound like she has some of her own psychological issues. She might have very high anxiety herself, and insecurities. I know most girls hate for their moms to receive a lot of attention and if she even went about seeking it, it would be upsetting to most children. Was she a very young mom?

No. 27 when she had me.

@Headhurts Can you forgive her and let it go? Forgive her for the things she fucked up in your childhood? Or, do you hold onto it?

@JLeslie I think it only bothers me when I say it bothers me. Do you understand that? Like, it has never bothered me, and it still doesn’t bother me, but it does.

Since talking does not seem to be working, why not put what you want to say in writing and present it to her. That should at least convince her that this is important to you. Make sure to say at the beginning how much you care for her and that you feel it is important that she understand what you are going through. Yeah, it sounds hokey, but it does not hurt to mention.

I haven’t read all of the posts here, but from what I have read I would strongly suspect that your mother also has BPD. She sounds very much like my mother, who does have it. Getting two BPDs to communicate well with each other seems very difficult, at best. Joint therapy might help, but the distance makes that hard.

I agree with @LostInParadise that you should consider writing each other.

Still not heard from her again today. I know she can’t face speaking to me. I’ve just feel like I’ve had enough. I don’t need this on top of everything else.

Did you say anything along the lines of you feel badly about the tension and would like to speak to her to clear the air? She may have no idea you are waiting on her. Hold out the olive branch.

I really think she is the type you need to be very specific about what you want.

@JLeslie No nothing like that. I told her I would like to talk. She said that I said I want a break a few week. She said she is doing as she is told. It frustrates the hell out of me.

@Headhurts Yeah, I can see why it is frustrating. Maybe in her mind she is trying to tell you you can’t fuck around with her like that. Push her away, then try to get her to come back. She probably feels manipulated. But, I am sure you do too. You both have some similar traits I would think.

Very difficult situation. I have a similar one in my family.

I guess you have to wait a few weeks and then try again. Be interested in her. How it has been for her. Listen to her. Then maybe she will listen to you.

@JLeslie Thank you. I know you are right, but it is hard telling my head that.

I don’t know I am right. I am just making suggestion on the information I have.

I hope it gets better for you. Let us know if anything turns around.

Well. I finally heard from her today. After 2 week. I asked her if she has anything to say to me, she said no. I asked her about the last message I sent, she said she didn’t reply to that because it was mean. I then said, so you are just going to dismiss me then. She said ok, so you have some mental illness, when did you get this? I am at work at the moment, so had to end the conversation there. She then text me and said there is nothing wrong with me and that I am just to rid her out my life.

Your mom sounds like she has mental problems herself and such things can run in families. If you put it in that perspective, perhaps this would help to take some of the sting out of the rejection you feel so you can move on.

Seriously, you both should be in therapy together. At least a couple sessions. You two are terrible at communicating with each other, there is a ton of anger coming from both of you in my opinion. The whole conversation you described was a test and a game.

@jleslie. I couldn’t agree more. It was a horrible conversation. I love her because she is my mum but as a person, I really don’t like her.

Why didn’t you just tell her your diagnosis and what you are going through? Why are you making her ask the right questions? I think it is best to do it all in person anyway, but that is besides the point. She finally asks you about your mental illness and you say you can’t talk now. How is that different than you reaching out to her two weeks ago and her saying, “I thoight you didn’t want to talk for a few weeks.” You both are very much the same. Do not be like her if you hate how she treats you. She was the mom, and she very liked did a lot of very sucky things as a parent, soI have total empathy for many of the difficuties you probably had as a child dealing with her, and not getting what you needed because of her limitations. But, now to move forward you have to forgive her, it would be great if she had some self awareness and apologized, and move on to a better you. I know you can do it. I have total confidence in your desire to be better. You seem like a thoughtful, smart, caring person who is just trying to figure out life like the rest of us. You just have some extra curve balls you have to deal with.

@JLeslie I was genuinely at work. I couldn’t talk. I don’t want to tell her anymore, the way she said it, she was mocking me. She had a horrible tone in her voice. I hope if I have kids, I would be so much better and wouldn’t belittle my child.

@Headhurts I wasn’t questioning your honesty, I believe you. But, from her perspective she probably just sees it as the same thing again. Know what I mean? You obviously have good intentions, you get credit for that. I don’t think you are trying to be malicious in any way. Sorry she dissappointed you again. :(.

@JLeslie I guess I am as much to blame, I am trying to change her, trying to get her to take interest, when that isn’t her. My boyfriend says he doesn’t know why I am like this, when I know what she is like, and that she’ll always be the same.

@Headhurts I think you are like that, because you are so upset about how the world works, how your world works. I don’t know if I can explain well, I am really talking about myself and thinking you might feel the same. There are people who dissappoint me, and it is almost like it hurts my view of what moral behavior should be, and it can be so upsetting for me. The unfairness, or the way other people can seem not to care, and not believe me when I tell them something. Like they question my intelligence, or are being dismissive. It is extremely upsetting for me. It just had it happen at a doctor’s office and after crying, I also had to deal with a nightmare last night, typical of my bad dreams when I have a bad interaction with a doctor. I know part of it has to do with me, but I don’t know how to fix it, and I still think many of them suck, and I know I can’t change that. You and I both don’t want to accept how things really are in certain realms of our lives. It’s very difficult.

@JLeslie I couldn’t agree more. I just want to be understood, but I know that it is hard to understand.

I want to be understood also, I can relate to that. I think maybe your mom doesn’t have the capacity to fully understand. If she had a diagnosis would you be more understanding of her and be able to accept she is limited in her ability to parent, nurture, and empathasize with others? If so, I challenge you to assume she probably could be diagnosed with some sort of psychological troubles and try to expect less from her.

@JLeslie I don’t believe she has a mental illness. I just don’t think she can see beyond herself. She grew up in the 50’s and had really strict parents, her siblings don’t have any children, I don’t think she knew how to be a parent. She shouldn’t have had me.

Well, being self centered can be a mental illness. Maybe on a scale of 1–10 you need to be above a 7 to consider it a mental illness, and she is only at 5, but 5 is still worse than 2, you know?

I’m sure she must have done things for you. Do you have no memories of her enjoying time with you? Taking you to the park? The pool. Baking cookies. Shopping. Playing patty cake. Anything?

@JLeslie She read to me at bedtime. That’s it. Both parents never did anything like that with me. It wasn’t in a mean way, she was never horrible, just didn’t know what to do. I stayed in my room most of the time, played with my dolls, sang, danced, probably why I am a loner and don’t like people.

Called her today, with the intention of smoothing things over. She said she was sick of me, sick of thinking what to say to me, sick of walking on eggshells. So, it turned into quite a heavy argument. She told me I’m stupid and that there is nothing wrong with me, so I said fine, forget I bothered. I feel worn out and tired. I can’t try anymore.

Yes, I would say it is too tough a mountain to climb. At least for a time. I don’t blame you for wanting to stop trying. Maybe let it all rest for a few months. See how you feel then.