What is the best way for me to beat my shyness?

Just realize everybody feels that way at first. Just take the first step and put yourself out there and don’t worry about the results.

@greenbean3 My family sent me to poise classes. They really can really boost your confidence by teaching you how to present yourself appropriately. :) I’m not shy at all now, well not that is noticeable.

Well, some people respond to practice. That is, gradually expose yourself more and more to situations that are uncomfortable (speaking groups, Toastmasters, etc) until the fear has lost its grip on you.

Other people respond well to simple visualizations. There’s the old, tired trick about picturing people in their underwear so that it’s not as intimidating. Then there is the twist on that one, where you keep in mind that everyone you are speaking to will be sitting on a toilet today taking a shit. I don’t find those particularly helpful.

But when I was younger, I had a similar “trick”. I would remind myself of how absurd it is to be concerned what other people think of me. I had spent many years building up layers upon layers of stories and scenarios – all of them fiction – that would serve as fuel for my anxiety. I spent time peeling back each absurd, illogical layer one at a time until I was left with one irrefutable fact: There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed, shy, or nervous about. Period.

What are you scared of, @greenbean3?

@KNOWITALL That’s a good idea actually, I might look those up, thanks!

@ninjacolin Im scared that people really wont like me, and will take an instant dislike to me, I really don’t want to get in someone’s way or annoy them at all. I also don’t want to draw any attention to myself, I don’t like being the centre of attention from anyone.

Embrace it, stop seeing it as a negative & accept it as part of who you are.
Not focusing on it so much will see your shyness eventually fade to at least a manageable level.

@greenbean3 Maybe you tend to pay too much attention to all the things you think you are doing wrong when you are around other people. Relax and take a deep breath. Accept the possibility that we can be rejected and learning to not take it personally. Remember, you are not alone and we all experience rejections. It is part of life and part of the learning process. The key lies in how you handle rejections when they come. It helps to be mentally prepared before they happen.

@greenbean3, why would they dislike you instantly? Has that ever happened to you before?

Your shyness is a way of describing your fear. Everyone is fearful of something, large or small. But the weird thing about fear is that it is based on fantasy, on speculation and not on reality.

In fact, their is an old saying – FEAR F alse E xpectations A ppearing R eal.

So, say a prayer or repeat a mantra, calm your mind. And the first day walk up to somebody that looks friendly and say, “Hi, I am really scared to be here, I am so shy.”

You will be surprised, and you will not die and you may even make a close friend. And what is the worse that can happen? The worst that can happen is they don’t get to find out how wonderful you are!

I’ve walked in your shoes, @greenbean3. I overcame debilitating shyness through training, practice and sheer force of will. My professional path has everything to do with my success in playing the part of an extrovert. I’ve had to sell ideas; I’ve had to have difficult conversations with people; I’ve had to speak before thousands. Those experiences made me who I am.

The “trick” that others have already mentioned is to be outwardly focused. That is easy for me to do in my professional role, because I’m not talking about “me,” I’m talking about [technology recommendation | our new strategic plan | our most recent success | whatever]. I become knowledgeable and hence conversant on those topics.

I’m less assured in purely social situations, but I’ve gotten some excellent mentoring around that, and I feel I’m better and better each time I practice. It’s all about having your focus on the other person; listen to them and see what excites them. Continue to ask questions that demonstrate your interest in them. Practice, practice, practice. And fake it till you make it!

@ninjacolin I’ve always been the weird kid, and was bullied a lot during school because of it, so yes, I’ve been rejected immediately by people.

@zenvelo Saying something like “Hi, I’m a bit nervous” or whatever is a good idea actually, everyone is knew so it’s common ground I guess.

@picante Someone else has mentioned ‘fake it till you make it’ to me before, I sort of ignored it then, but as you have said it as well I guess there must be some truth to it, Thanks!

You got it @greenbean3 ! Saying you’re nervous is much better than saying you’re scared!

@zenvelo In that case, that will be my way of starting conversation with someone! Doesn’t take too much effort and I have it planned out now, thanks a bunch!

Another thought – - – if I’m understanding the situation in which you’ll be involved, it’s a classroom setting with lots of collaborative time. You have a great opportunity to start a conversation since everyone in the room has commonalities around the topic/setting.

Sample introductions:

Hello, John. I’m Green Bean, and I’m looking forward to this class. How long have you been studying xxxx? I had Mr. Smith’s intro course last semester, and I thought it was a blast.

John, unless he is really shy too, will start telling you some things about himself: Nice to meet you Green. This is my third course about XXX, and I’m a little bit concerned. I’ve not heard the nicest comments about this instructor.

And there’s your opening . . . whatever he says is your opportunity to ask a question about him—about his experiences—about what he has an interest in. Certainly, if he is a skilled conversationalist, he’ll ask you to tell him more about you.

@picante That’s great, I can just let the conversation roll from there. Thanks, I’ll try this on the first day and see what happens.

Personal preference: “I’m a bit nervous.. so you’re (all) just going to have to deal with it.”

I really agree with @ucme‘s suggestion. If you are the weird kid, you’re going to want to learn how to own it and even how to use it to your advantage.

Malice is an option some take when they don’t know what else to do with someone who is different. But the excitement in general that people get over seeing someone different is telling: We’re interested in differences. We can’t just let them go. We want to know more.

Anyway, children are different than teens and teens are different than adults. It’s something you and your peers grow out of. As predictable as it is that kids will bully other kids who are different it is also almost equally predictable that those same bullies will apologize when they get a chance to when they are older.

Bullies are often victims of circumstance in their own way as well. Sometimes they just haven’t gotten smarter as yet and learned the value of valuing differences.

Have you been to therapy for it? Do you mnow why you are so insecure? Did something specific happen?

What will be the worst that will happen if you talk to someone and you wind up not having good rapport with them? Nothing. It is as much them as you, you two did not click, so waht, on to the next person who might be a better match. Fake it til you make it os the basic therapy for these things, and it should get easier over time, but also talking it through with a counselor might help your anxiety level come down a little. You are not alone, many many people feel the same. Nothing to feel bad about, but is something that will be good to overcome. I have every confidence it will get better for you, because you are so honest about it and want to make it better.

@ninjacolin Well It is College, so I think you are right, people will have matured and hopefully will either leave me alone or like me.

@JLeslie I am in therapy, but not for this. I have talked about it before with someone else and they said they think it’s because I was bullied and had a few issues at home during that time too.
I know it’s irrational but I have such a fear of criticism (if it’s constructive, that’s different) and if someone hurts me intentionally I break down, that’s what I don’t want to happen.
I will mention it to my Therapist, I see her soon and will be sure to discuss it properly, thanks.

@greenbean3 I have a HUGE fear of criticism and have a little ocd & control issues (aka perfectionism), it hasn’t really been a negative effect on me or my life.

Instead of getting hurt when someone hurts me intentionally, it really makes me angry, and most of the time, I won’t talk to them again. I hold a grudge and don’t trust easily. That is the part that bothers me the most.

@KNOWITALL Do people seem to understand or do they poke fun? I’m just wondering if people will react similarly to me.

No one makes fun of me, a few people at work tease about my clean email inbox and my neat freak tendencies in my area of the office, but other than that, no.

The second part, the anger and pushing people away, that has had more impact. I just don’t allow anyone to get very close, even my beloved mother is at a distance. No one really knows my deepest thoughts or secret dreams, not even my husband, so that’s a drawback.

1. Learn to laugh at yourself.

2. Love yourself. Point out all the good things you know about yourself. If you see them than let others see it too.

3. Know that when people withdraw from you that it is not so much about you but your behavior towards them. Shy people can make others feel uncomfortable and they shy away because they feel you don’t like them. Or that you are a snob.

4. So open up and let them either accept you or reject you after giving them a fair chance to know you. What’s the worse that will happen. They don’t like you. So! Its not like they are going to pay for your meals or your rent. And maybe they did you a favor by avoiding you. I use to be shy till I realized it is a waste of valuable resources. The more people you know the more you will learn about life. So look at it as expanding your knowledge. Be practical about it. Nothing to gain from being shy and everything to gain from meeting people and learning about their life experiences.

5.Remember that getting to know others doesn’t mean you have to change yourself to please them nor does it mean you have to accept what they think of you. Only you get to determine who you are. They cannot control or direct you unless you relinquish control.

I would tell myself, “If there are people with severe disabilities who can venture out into the world without fear or reservations, than why can’t I”? Life is to short to be in my own way.

Practice chatting with people in low-pressure situations. Like, make small-talk with the cashier when you get coffee, or have little conversations with your neighbors. Even complementing someone on their outfit, or asking a stranger for the time, might give you a little practice. Or even just say a quick hi to people when you’re out walking. It will get you used to being open to conversation.

If you have time, taking a part-time job in customer service is a great way to get over shyness. I’d also suggest a class with some sort of creative component, like art or writing.

Another thing- small talk and boring, everyday openers can lead interesting places. Something like “how’s your day been?” can lead to an engaging conversation where you learn new things about each other. Or if you tell someone, “That’s a cool _____ (necklace, bag, book etc.)” they might have a story about it, and you can find common ground.

@greenbean3 Completely wacked idea: Try golf. If you ever get that friggin game figured out you’ll never be shy.

I was very shy as a child all the way through high school. I never talked but I got over it by Playing music for a large audiences and then I had a crappy fast food job as a junior. I learned to get over it because I had no choice but to talk to others and put myself and my work out for everyone to criticize and see.

@greenbean3, you did say you began a course that you are looking forward to. Some people are so constrained by their shyness that they wouldn’t even take that step. Give yourself some credit for that.

As a shy person myself I discovered that the best way to improve (not beat) my anxiety is to force myself into uncomfortable situations. Scary! I know. I signed up for Toastmasters because I was terrified of public speaking but it helped me. I signed up for a stand up comedy course and had palpitations every single class, but hey… I still did it.

Some people completely overcome shyness with time, but some don’t. I have read that Adele has frequent panic attacks because she is scared of audiences, including an instance where she vomited.

Another way is to try and accept that you’re shy and that’s completely normal and fine. But it doesn’t have to run your life. Find ways to build your self confidence, whether that is joining groups or taking classes that you enjoy. I found that embracing this fear has been the most helpful of all. Find your passions and let that drive you. Best of luck.

HM