How would you handle this somewhat delicate situation (see details)?

How does your younger daughter feel about this girl? I remember being forced to entertain the older sister of my sister’s friend so many times. I couldn’t stand that girl.

Finally I had to be the one to put my foot down and say “No more!”

I wouldn’t be so concerned about feelings. Make it clear that the invitation is for the elder daughter. If the parents aren’t smart enough to teach the younger that its rude to invite yourself to someone’s house, they deserve a smack of reality.

@talljasperman I don’t understand what your comment has to do with this.

@Seek_Kolinahr She’s okay with her, but never asks for her to spend the night.

It’s true. No matter how painful it may be, you need to pull the ‘no’ band-aid as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Well, the problem is, her parents are fairly clueless and a bit bad-mannered, as well.

I’m a little paranoid that if I address the issue, it will upset them and they won’t allow their oldest to come over anymore. I’ve mentioned her on Fluther before. She’s the darling girl I refer to as my other daughter.

@WillWorkForChocolate from your details “has a habit of going in your bedroom”. .. A lock on the door can stop this from happening. You don’t need anything more complicated than a simple lock on everyone’s door.

What about a casual conversation with the parents about other friends younger daughter like to spend time with

@talljasperman Seriously? I have bedroom door locks, but I’m not going to lock myself out of my own bedroom, am I? I also can’t just shut and lock my bedroom doors the whole time she’s here, because I have roaming cats. And I shouldn’t have to tell someone’s child that snooping through the drawers in someone else’s house is rude. And… I’m not just going to invite her over and stay outside while she’s here, either…

That’s why I’m saying that none of your comment makes any sense.

You’re in a pickle. If you tell the parents they could easily become defensive. In retrospect, I know I did with my unruly son.
I have no words of wisdom for you. Let us know how it turns out!!

Tell her mother in private what your reasons are and let the mother handle it.

@WillWorkForChocolate, does she beg and ask in front of her mother? If she does, I’d be prepared and stay very calm and get at her level and lay it out to her. I’d tell her that if you allow her to come she MUST obey you, she must not be naughty like the like time she was there, she must stay out of your bedroom, she must not break things like the last time and she must not do 1, 2, 3…I’d look at her the entire time I’m telling her the rules and hopefully, her mother will have enough sense to lay down the law to the little heathen darling.

It won’t work to tell the parents. Do you think they don’t know how she acts? She isn’t an angel at home and then acts up at your house. They probably pray she goes to someone’s house and gets out of their lives for the night. She sounds like a handful. But I’d let her know if she comes to my house, she plays by my rules. You are bigger and stronger.

Okay, but I’m not going to invite her overnight, or even for a “playdate.” I just can’t. I’ll lose my mind and say something mean. She blows my anxiety issues off the charts. I seriously can’t stand her. She’s here, sometimes, when the whole family comes over. But even that doesn’t happen often because out of all of them, I love the oldest daughter, but only tolerate the rest of them. This whole situation sucks.

You should explain to her gently that she was not invited and her behavior is really rude. Gently..but stern. Tell her ” Listen to me, you were not invited and that behavior of yours is really rude and its getting on my nerves…so you need to stop ok?” Also you should tell her about the invasion of your room and that she should not enter someones room without permission. Although it is not your child I do not see why you cant be direct in telling her about the problem. Keeping in mind that you dont have to be mean to her but just assertive and direct. It may be a good opportunity for you to teach that child something that she could carry with her in life and you would be happy as well.

What happened to the good old days when you could bust your friends’ children’s asses when they misbehaved? Or at least discipline them and they knew if their parent’s found out they were in trouble when they got home? Remember when we thought it took a neighborhood to raise a child?

I miss those days. Now if someone’s kid bites you multiple times, you yell “stop it, you little butt” and make him cry, you’ll be sued for mental anguish.

You could say that you prefer the older one to come since you feel it is more age appropriate as they do more age related things? Or alternatively tell your daughter to relay that the rules for sleep overs are strict. No this, no that, and no entry into your bedroom. (That should be a given). Unfortunately some of our kids friends will have bad manners I guess it is up to us to help and guide them?

@WillWorkForChocolate . . . not with a good grasp of forensics and a decent shovel . . .

Bwuahahaha!

How old is this kid? If she’s any older than 6, this behavior is ridiculous. I’d approach the parents, especially if the kid is going into your room and breaking things. There’s no reason you should be guilted into inviting the little theif over if you don’t want to.

On a side note, it pains me that “BFF” is now such a widely used term among adults.

I favor this one: Do you gently explain to her that she wasn’t invited, and her behavior is really rude?

It would depend on the parents. If I felt I could talk to them I would mention why I didn’t want her over. I’d ask them to talk to her and then give it one more try.

If I felt the parents couldn’t handle it then I’d make up excuses to not have her over.

I ran into a scenario like this except with a much older kid. He was getting to know my son and any time he was over he was rude to me and he bullied my youngest. I finally told my son that I was done. He begged me to talk to his mom whom I’m good friends with. I took a deep breath and met mother and son in a park and related what I had experienced. They both listened, the kid apologized and I agreed to give it another chance. Five years later and he still comes over and we haven’t had any trouble from him.

@livelaughlove21 She’s nine, but my dislike for her and her behavior took root when she was five and has just grown. Her parents haven’t seemed to realize anything’s wrong with her behavior, and I’ve been hoping she might grow out of it, but it just seems to have gotten worse.

Sorry, I’m lazy. BFF is so much faster than saying or typing best friend all the time. I have several close friends, but I have two that I refer to as BFFs. I’ve even began to, God forbid, use some txtspk when I’m trying to shoot a fast text message to my husband or oldest daughter. I gave in. <hangs head in shame>

She knows of your intense dislike of her and your intense love of her sister. She is successfully retaliating and you have let her.

Get yourself to the side of the loop where you belong. Let your older daughter make the request when she wants her friend to stay over, not yourself. Your daughter makes the invitation by asking her friend if she wants to come over, and they both ask her mother for permission for the sleep over and her mother confirms with you that you give permission for the sleep-over. If your younger daughter never invites the other, you and the mom get to say that is their choice. If the other mom wants to know why, now you have the opportunity to suggest the behavioral issues.

Keeping the upper hand on that child means repeating that everyone makes friends that suit themselves, and each of your daughters are individuals with their own needs and desires. If there are truly no other children of the right age, then your younger daughter might take the high road and invite the other girl for a playdate of extremely limited duration in the local park where you let them interact and each goes home because the other stopped the play or when the time is up.

Has she gone in your bedroom or broken your things after you told her not to? If so, just tell her that she can’t come over because she broke your rules and went in your bedroom or broke things in your house after you gave her a warning.

Or you could give her another chance. Tell her that her coming to your house is conditional on her (1) not going in your bedroom, (2) being delicate with your belongings and making sure that nothing gets damaged and (3) whatever rule you can make about what behavior of hers drives you “batshit crazy”. Focus on the behaviors. Then if she breaks a rule she cannot come over. Period.

Clear, firm, loving.

If she is breaking your house rules, time to sit down with the parents and explain. They should be the ones to have a conversation with their child about her behavior, but if you don’t tell them, they can’t address it appropriately. My mother would have been mortified if I acted up at a friends and she wasn’t told.

@WillWorkForChocolate So…what are you going to do?

I just continue to not invite her to spend the night, and change the subject or pretend I don’t hear her if she starts begging. Thankfully, this hasn’t happened much lately because my daughter has been so busy with drill team and other school stuff that she hasn’t been having sleepovers.