How much $$, to you, would be enough to care for a family member's newborn five days a week?

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Seriously, though, you could always calculate minimum wage minus what you would’ve paid in taxes.

Minimum wage would be almost $300 per week. You’re getting hosed.

For me to do it? I would charge about $1000 per week.

What is she doing during the time you take care of junior? Working a minimun wage job or is she a hot shot lawyer?
Is that all she can afford to pay and keep up her mortgage payments?
Does she help you out on weekend when you need help with things?
Do you have her pick up groceries for you on the way to your home? Can you start? Will she do it?

If you feel you are being taken advantage of, you probably are. Fix it.

@Adirondackwannabe I get that, but I was just going off of what childcare costs these days.

@LuckyGuy She has a semi-decent job that I’ll say pays over $12 an hour, but her husband has a low-paying job that he works, mainly for the insurance benefits. No, she doesn’t help me with things. No, she doesn’t pick up anything besides drinks on Friday nights, but takes those with her when she leaves.

I would say at least $100 a week, but $150 would be better.

When my son was living in my house, I watched their new baby for free for two solid weeks, because the mom was in the hospital, and several hours a day for the next year.

@WillWorkForChocolate I think your $175 to $200 is fair. Kids can be exhausting too. It’s a lot of work to keep an eye on them all the time. Plus do you have liability insurance for this?

Oh, and I’ll add that they are struggling, financially, but they got pregnant on purpose, which led them to buy a family car and a house, instead of the Camaro she had, and the apartment they were in.

There does not exist enough gold pressed latinum in the universe to compensate me for such a horror trip.

@Adirondackwannabe Nope, I’m just the babysitting Auntie.

I’d think about the insurance. If anything should happen I bet she comes after you and hubby, especially since they’re struggling.

You’re earning $1.67/hour; she is earning, you think, over $12/hour.

Even at $30/ day, which is a pathetic $5.00/hr. you’d be making only $150/week, still a bargain for her.

You have to decide whether you are helping as an act of charity or whether you deserve a marginally fair salary.

@gailcalled So you don’t think $50 is fair, even for a family member? I do realize that it’s a paltry amount. What I don’t know, is whether or not other families do this sort of thing for free and her payment is fair. With what I’ve already gone through with him, it doesn’t feel fair.

To me it seems really exploitive. I don’t know the dynamics of your relationships and the other subtle connections, but you certainly sound miffed.

Sometimes these arrangements work out if you are getting some other sort of payment-in-kind or barter or emotional support that benefits you.

What other families do really seems irrelevant.

Doong the math and considering that alone, it clearly seems unfair.

Ha! She’s more like an emotional drain.

Of course, if you asked for even 100.00 a week and she refused and you stopped watching the baby, she would never find anyone else to do it for under 150.00 a week.

You’re getting screwed. Less than $2.00/hr? Ouch. I’d charge at least $100/week, and only that little because she’s family. $200 would be the fair amount.

@chyna Oh, that is so true.

I guess one of the reasons I’ve been holding back my frustrations is, even if I think she’s being unfair with me, I’m worried about being unfair to my nephew. He didn’t ask for this. I’m worried about where he would end up, because I know she’d try to go as cheap as possible. And God forbid, but what if she started taking him to her dad’s house, where he chain smokes indoors all day?!?

I’m so frustrated and wish I’d never agreed to it in the first place, but it was sort of expected that I’d watch him, since I’m a stay-home mom anyway.

I seriously hope she hasn’t secretly opened an account here, just to see what I talk about. <feeling paranoid now>

There is not enough money in the world for me to do that.
But seriously, I get paid $40 for watching two kids for a few hours. $50 for five days? No.

Honestly, she doesn’t make enough money to afford a babysitter. It would probably be better if she quit work and was a stay at home mom and baby sat for others. I would guarantee that she wouldn’t watch anyone else’s kid for 50 bucks a week.

If she thinks being family is worth a 95% discount then she’s nuts, and a greedy, selfish sort of nuts at that.

I would borrow her car without permission, eat all the food in her house, and pull the “I’m family!” card to giver her a taste of what she’s doing and how it is to be taken advantage of, but I’m a bit passive-aggressive.

@chyna What really irks me is that she could afford it, had she not bought a newer model Chevy Tahoe and a new house. If they had chosen a two bedroom apartment and a cheaper car, they’d have more money. I realize that may not be ideal, but that’s what my hubby and I had to do for a while.

I used to babysit my cousins little girl 3 days a week.
I made about 450/mo.

I feel like you’re totally being taken advantage of @WillWorkForChocolate.
I realize that you’re the auntie and all, but $50/wk seems like a slap in the face.
You’re doing them such a big favor. They’ve got it made. They have a blood relative to take care of their baby and the pay almost nothing for the privilege.

If you were independently wealthy that would be one thing, but I’m sure, just like the rest of us, you’re trying to make ends meet. I would tell her that you need more money. If she bitches, remind her that she isn’t going to get quality childcare for less that 200–250 a week.

I know you love your nephew and all, but really, you’re getting hosed.

I really appreciate everyone’s input. Y’all make me feel less silly for thinking I’m being taken advantage of.

LMAO @jerv!

Girl, you’re being taken advantage of. :( You know what I would do (what we talked about).

I know. It just makes me sort of feel like a shitty aunt if I tell her to find another babysitter. And that’s what I’d have to do, I’m certain, if I firmly stuck with “a raise or the highway.” She’d just say, “You know I can’t afford more.”

What sucks is that babysitting him really satisfied my baby itch… until he started coming over almost every day and cried/screamed most of the time, because she’s not bright enough to keep him on a consistent diet, or to listen to me when I tell her what’s wrong with him.

You’re SIL sounds like a moron. Sorry to be rude, but she does.

It’s time to put yourself first. Family or not, she’s taking advantage.
What does your husband say about it?

@Katniss He wants me to fire myself and get a regular job to get me out of the house more often. But I have major concerns about a normal job, anyway. Chronic illness (that causes frequent, debilitating pains), severe social anxiety, and what the heck do I do with our kids when they have Christmas, spring, and summer vacation and I’m working normal business hours?

Ever feel like your life is just a confusing mess?

You absolutely need to start asking her to do things for you (even if you can do them yourself). . Consider the requests a test.

“Sis it would really help me out if you could pick up some XYZ on the way over here to pick up Oglethorpe.”
Listen very carefully to her reply. Very carefully. Got it?

Well, I already got a non-answer from her, during our text conversation this morning, when I asked her to add $10 to this week’s check to cover the “constipated baby supplies” I had to buy him this week. That should tell you what sort of response I’d get from using your suggestion.

Hell, I already had to tell her to buy him the same formula for my house every time, instead of confusing his tummy by using the different free samples she gets in the mail. She’s not very happy about that “added” expense, either.

It sounds as if she has a total disregard for your time. Time is precious and peoples time costs money. It makes no difference if you are family or not. If it was now and then fair enough we do it with a good heart. But what you are doing is a full time job.

@WillWorkForChocolate I know that feeling very well! My life is a mess most of the time.

I didn’t realize that you were buying things for the baby as well. This is ridiculous.
She has no respect for you, and apparently little regard for her own child’s health. No wonder he’s sick all the time if she isn’t consistent with his formula.

I’m really annoyed right now. I think your husband is right. You need to fire yourself, even if you don’t feel like you can handle a job outside your home. It sounds to me like babysitting your nephew is causing you stress that you just don’t need.

@Katniss It really is stressing me out. I love the times when he’s not feeling poorly, playing with him, hearing his baby coos, but those moments are few and far between. Most of the time he’s screaming in my face while I try to cuddle him and soothe his tummy, because his mom is either too stubborn or too dumb to take my advice.

I’ve been suggesting prune juice for two weeks now, so what does she do? She feeds him baby oatmeal with Gerber prunes mixed in. I tell you your baby is constipated, needs prune juice, and you feed him solids??? Makes me want to rip my hair out and run away screaming. But I’d be screaming quietly since his screaming has more than doubled my headaches. And now I’m just ranting… ARGH!

I’m surprised to read that anyone is feeding a newborn food. Pediatric nutritionists recommend milk, water and juice for at least three months and six months is better.

He’s right around four months, which is when we let our youngest daughter start trying some solids after she threw bizarre fits while we were eating in front of her, but we watched her BMs closely to make sure she was digesting it okay. My nephew has apparently been having oatmeal for three weeks or so, which perfectly matches when he started getting constipated.

You’d think with me telling her he’s constipated and that it could be the oatmeal or even something she’s eaten (because she does still nurse him in the evenings) that she’d stop feeding him cereal, instead of mixing solid prunes into the cereal. I try explaining things gently, with my best “been there, done that twice” expertise, but she refuses to listen to me.

Willwork; You have presented all the evidence; you have listened to all the opinions; you have consulted with your husband. You now have to make a decision and take a stand.

You seem to have relinquished all your power and bargaining chips; complaining on this forum simply reinforces your feelings of being bullied and mistreated. You must stop that since we get it. Time for some choices on your part.

1) Live with the present situation. Feel beleagured and unhappy.

2) Quit. Walk away. Tell her, “Enough.”

3) Take a stand and do some negociating. Make yourself a union of one member.

My 19 year old daughter got more than double that for watching a 7 year old 5 days a week, and even that was on the very low end for childcare. The bottom line, though, is either it’s worth your while, or it’s not. I’m sensing “not”!

@gailcalled I know. I think I’ve pretty much answered my own question. The hard part now is doing something about it when I’m almost positive it will cause family problems that could very well impact my husband’s relationship with his mother, since I’m also almost positive that his mother will take his sister’s side. UGH, family.

Remind yourself that you are part of this family also. Does anyone notice your distress?

My poor husband does. He’s even discussed with their mother about what a clueless nutjob his sister is. But knowing my MIL the way I do, I’m almost certain she’d feel obligated to take the side of her actual daughter instead of her daughter-in-law.

I’m going to bed, and ridiculously hoping I wake up with a good answer on how to handle things.

How about something along the lines of “Sis-in-Law, my health is starting to slide right now, and I have to be able to take care of myself better. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to not baby sit for you anymore. You have 2 weeks to find someone else.”

While completely understanding of your feelings too @WillWorkForChocolate, I feel enormously sad for this little boy whose mother sounds anything but a responsible caring parent. I absolutely agree you deserve more in payment, considerably more, but at the same time I hate to imagine what would become of this little one if he did not have you. I don’t say this in any way to convince you to put up with the situation, I’m simply expressing the sadness I feel when I read how little his parent appears to value him. I do hope there is a happy outcome for both you and your nephew.

I don’t know if this will come across as supportive as I intend it, but I think worrying about who’s to blame, whether the amount is fair, whether they have money for various other options, the digestive issues, and everything else is just stressing you more and causing you to turn this over and over in your head. You don’t need all those extra reasons and you don’t have to feel bad about anything.

You’re helping them raise their child. With or without all the surrounding issues, it isn’t your responsibility to make sure he is taken care of any more often than you agree to. They need to make it work and you’re just one option. If it’s not working with you, then they need to find something else and I hope you don’t feel bad about it any more than you would if you were out of the state, or had a day job.

I may be off, but if you look at it honestly, are you doing it for the pay? Will asking for more money make you feel any better about it? Does it matter if the rate is fair?

Is there instead a number of days where you would feel good about helping to raise your nephew while also helping your in laws out? Maybe that number is zero, maybe you’d love to have him over once or twice a week, maybe just having a few days “off” each week would make a difference. Only you know.

Why not cut back to that many days, even if it’s zero right now. You don’t need to make up a story or even have justification. If you can give them time to find something else, that’s extremely nice of you and you should think of it that way. They should too.

I have a baby girl and know how challenging finding child care can be, especially before 6 months. We have some amazing folks but I never feel like it’s their responsibility to be available, they need to live their lives. It is always my responsibility to find someone I trust. They’re just kind enough to help out when they can.

Yes that’s putting a big smiley face on a part of my life that can cause stress, but if I start to think of it any other way then my amazing little person gets turned into a burden that gets passed around. That’s a contagious attitude and a disservice to everyone in my life, most of all her.

You’re being kind and helping out, but you need to live your life and ultimately they need to make it work on terms you can live with in the long run. Little man isn’t leaving for college any time soon. Your only obligation is being honest and then doing what you agree to. You can still be kind, feel good about what you’re doing, and not give everything they ask for. Anything is helpful.

I hope you each find something that works wonderfully as a whole. And I hope they decide to say “thank you” a lot more often.

I would probably watch my brothers newborn for free.

Can you offer to do only 2 hours a day so that she could find ½ time daycare elsewhere?

Otherwise, I would firmly and politely decline and revoke my offer to watch the kid. That is just too much. Hopefully she will listen to feedback from the daycare provider better than she is listening to you.

I’ve figured out that the lack of pay isn’t my main issue. Yes, it’s crap that she pays me less for one day than she makes per hour, BUT… after ranting last night, I realized that my main problem is knowing that the entire family has mollycoddled her for years, knowing that she got herself into this mess on purpose, expects this huge favor from me for almost nothing, keeps screwing up and expects me to fix it, and I resent the hell out of her for dragging me into her victim game.

@WillWorkForChocolate It’s good to get to the heart of the issue. Best wishes.

I understand your distress but you have to keep reminding yourself that you allowed yourself to be dragged. And so you can allow yourself to be undragged…well, you know what I mean.

You are entitled, allowed, permitted and obligated to disengage.

@gailcalled Believe me, I know that, and I hate myself for it. With this family dynamic, it’s pretty difficult to not do what’s expected of you, and I cave on things more often than I would like, just to keep the peace.

On a slightly more positive note, I’ve pretty much decided, despite my love for my nephew, to wash my hands of the whole thing, and stop making it my problem since I have enough of my own to deal with. Now comes the dreaded “talk”.

When I do talk to her, should one week be sufficient for her to find other childcare arrangements, or should I give the standard two weeks like leaving a normal job?

It’s your call, obviously.

I would consider giving through the end of the month. It can be very difficult (where I live) to find daycare to start within the month.

But, again, not your problem.

Good for you! Like they say on the airplanes “Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.” You have to take care of yourself first.
We are right behind you
Remember you are not the bad guy -no matter how she tries to manipulate you or make you feel guilty. It is her child and her responsibility.

Now put on that oxygen mask and make the call.

@WillWorkForChocolate You got some good ideas here. Just make the call and stick to it. And expect her mother to be an all out bitch to you, and probably she’ll try to work through your hubby to get you to back down. Maybe forewarn him what’s going on so he can be ready too.

@WillWorkForChocolate: It’s annoying that the MIL holds you to higher standards than her daughter, but that’s the way it is, I guess.

Can you enlist the support of your husband when you make the call or confront her in person? Would he be willing to be on the other extension or to go with you? Normally I encourage people to fight their own battles but in this case, you deserve some reinforcements.

Two weeks’ notice is fair, unless she gets really nasty.

If you need some more moral support, give a shout.

I’m with @ragingloli, you couldn’t afford me, what a nightmare, newborns are WORK.

That being said, if it was my family and I was home all day anyway, I’d offer to help for a very limited time until she made other arrangements that she could afford.

Key words “I feel taken advantage of” – forget about it.

Thanks, guys. Venting and reading your supportive comments has really helped me to sort through things. I appreciate it.

@WillWorkForChocolate Good luck! We are here for you. Let us know how it goes.

Please keep us updated about how things go. :)

I just talked to her, and it went smoother than I had hoped. I prayed hard beforehand (Oh, shush, you) for the right words and basically just told her that it’s time for me to do something to take some of the financial burden off her brother, so I’m going to try to find a part-time job. I asked that she make other arrangements for the baby in the next two weeks, so that when the kids start back to school, I can start job hunting and go on interviews and whatever.

I could hear the “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me” sigh in her voice, but she didn’t blow up at me or freak out like I thought she might, so that helped.

I feel so much better after getting it over with, and can now go shopping for the kids’ school supplies without that sick feeling in my stomach. It’s tax-free weekend, y’all!

Good for sticking to your guns!
If it was stressing you out so bad that it made you sick, you did the right thing.

It was, ugh! My anxiety has been off the charts for several weeks, and over the last week or so, it felt like I was developing a stomach ulcer, or something.

Excellent news. Do you think that this experience might make it easier next time to have a confrontation without destroying the lining of your stomach? Practice does make perfect.

Well done. Pat yourself on the back..

I’m so glad to hear you found a happy resolution to the problem, it can be very hard learning to say “no” but I am quite sure the experience will stand you in good stead. Speaker

@WillWorkForChocolate I’m proud of you!!
I’ll bet you feel like a ton of weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.

Thanks, guys.

I suggested a trip to the pediatrician to rule out any underlying problems that might be causing the constipation, but I was blown off again. I can’t wait to see how they react to the next caregiver when she suggests there might be a problem.

I’m glad you are feeling better, but….. you are still in the 2 week zone. Are you prepared for what might happen if she sees you in 2 weeks and a day and says she does not have any one?
Will you tell her “no!”? Be prepared.
Schedule something so you cannot do it. A doctor’s appointment, or an oil change for your car. Something to get you out of the house.

She had better not try to pull that, or it’s going to get ugly.

That’s why I think it would have been better to be up front about what you cannot do for the amount of money she’s paying you now. You are probably going to have a hard time scheduling things every day just to get out of the house and appear that you are so busy. In my opinion, you would have been better off being honest about what you need or if you cannot babysit, just saying it honestly, “I can’t do this any more.”

Well, the “I need a job” thing was actually honest. I decided to at least try finding something that would fit in with my kids’ schedule.