How do you feel about bumping into your partners ex?

Why are you working yourself up over the bloody b..ch? Even if she does turn up and you are at work, can’t you simply ignore her and act as if she doesn’t exist. I assume you won’t have to have direct contact with her, will you? The cooler she sees you the more uncomfortable she will feel. Why get yourself sick over a toxic person? IGNORE her totally even though it’s easier said than done.

Doesn’t bother me at all. But, it rarely comes up. If she was in my face constantly it would matter how she acted around my husband and me I guess.

@ZEPHYRA I would have to unfortunately, because I am on reception. She knows I work here so she should piss off and go somewhere else. At lunch times I have to avoid town, in case I bump into her. Now this next bit is stupid I know, but a while ago I bought a new coat, and she saw me, so I threw the coat, in the hope she wouldn’t recognise me as easily next time. She used to text my boyfriend if she saw me, ” I saw L today, but she didn’t seem pleased to see me”. I really really hate her.

Sweets, stop freaking yourself out. If he ever left and went back to her, which is a very slim possibility at this point, would you survive it? Could you find someone else or be happy alone?

I’m a worrier, too, but jealousy is a waste of emotion. It’ll happen or it won’t, no need to stress yourself out, and it kinda makes you look like a weenie running away when she comes. If it were me, I’d take time to do my own hair and make-up and chat her up like she was my besty, show her how dang happy you two are together and wish her the same happiness you have found in her future marriage. Kill em with kindness girl!

Plus most guys hate that jealous stuff after the ‘bloom’ is off the relationship, makes you look insecure and beeyotchy. :) Good luck.

*BTW- I learned through experience, it’s not easy I know.

@Headhurts Do you think she still pines away for him or something? I don’t get it. Why are you jealous of her? Is she constantly still talking to and texting your husband? Or, just when she bumps into you? The latter sounds perfectly normal to me.

I can tell this would be difficult for you, but try to act like she doesnt bother you in the least. As if you never give her a second thought at all. If she is trying to antagonize you then getting no response from you will eat her up. Never let her see you sweat no matter how you feel inside.

You are exhausting yourself over this woman. She doesn’t deserve this much room in your life or this degree of importance.

What does your boyfriend say about all of this?

You have allowed this woman to move her couch and TV and kitchen gadgets into your head where she has set up housekeeping. As long as you let her do that, then you will feel like shit.

You need to change your entire approach towards her. She sounds like a world class be-atch, but so what, there’s plenty of those types of people around, that you will encounter throughout your life.

This is what you have to do (unless you’d prefer living your life the same way, and having the same exact outcome). You are going to fake liking her. You are going to stop telling yourself that you hate her (even though you do, and that’s OK) but stop telling yourself, your boyfriend and us that you hate her and cannot bear to be near her, or else you will drive yourself into an early grave.

Accept that she’s going to be around you, either on purpose or by coincidence, then actively change your behavior. If you know she is coming by the salon, make sure that you are going to be there. When she arrives, instead of hiding in the bathroom, sit at your desk, and say to her, “Hi Bev, back for another party? Hope you and your co-workers have a good time.” What you want to do is kill her with kindness, because she won’t be expecting that pleasant reaction from you. If you treat her kindly (even though she doesn’t deserve it) whenever you encounter her, then YOU will look like a wonderful strong person, and in the meantime, you will become stronger.

Look forward to bumping into her and saying nice things (don’t ever say catty things to her, or you will be feeding her). She’ll either get bored of trying to get to you or she’ll actually begin to like you. Either way, she’s off your back. This may take a couple of attempts, but the payoff will be worth it.

If you see her in the street and she comes over, just say, “Hey Bev, how are you? I’m just heading to the store, how’s your mum?” Then continue on your way. Do not try to run and hide from her, or you will look pathetic.

If she texts your boyfriend, either politely ask (don’t demand) that he block her because it is very troubling to you. If he doesn’t want to do that, then consider that he may not respect you as much as you would hope he does, and that your relationship may not be what it should be. You may have to solve your relationship problem as a separate issue from the fact that his ex-girlfriend texts him (because she clearly still has feelings for him and is trying to upset you). But the ex girlfriend’s obsession, and your boyfriend’s lack of respect for you are 2 completely different problems that need to be solved.

Bottom line, kill her with kindness and become a stronger person.

Would prefer that to bumping into my Ex’s partner.

^^ Hugs, dearest.

Paul teaches to be truly kind and genuinely courteous to your enemies. It’s like heaping hot coals upon their head.

Romans 12:20
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Romans 12:14, Romans 12:17, and Romans 12:19 also address how to handle those you despise.

You are giving this woman a lot of power. Why?

@JLeslie She used to. She would send him texts asking him to remember their good times. She would send a picture of herself when she had her hair done. This woman is 38 years old. She has never bumped into us both, just me. But I avoid her as much as possible.

@Supacase He thinks I am overreacting. He said shes not interested in him and he would never go back to anyone whether he wanted to or not.

@Kardamom You are absolutely spot on on every single thing. That is how I want to be. Around christmas time, I was in the local shop, Paul was waiting in the car. She came in. We looked at each other and I turned round. Then I thought that I need to say something nice to her, or she will contact him. So I smiled my best smile and mentioned the weather. She looked shocked and was polite back, then I walked as fast as I could back to the car before she could follow to see him. I was shaking all the way home and then burst into tears and unfortunately caused a row.

@gailcalled I know I am, and I hate it. I can’t stand the thought of her contacting him in any way. His other exes do not bother me at all. If I bump into them, I will tell him with no worries. But her…....I could be sick.

How about talking to your therapist about learning some tools for healthy confrontation?

Continuing to simply report to us your emotional unsteadiness doesn’t serve you well.

Just fake it til you make. Put on a big smile, great posture and be happy to see her. You do the first wave hello. Don’t let her think she gets to you. It will probably make you feel better and she won’t be able to talk or think of you in a negative way.

Do you have a history of trauma or anxiety? Your reaction sounds extreme, from the limited details you have given.

You are powerful. You are safe. You are loved.

@Cupcake Yes I sure do.

Sounds like she knows she gets under your skin and is enjoying it. Best remedy is to show her that you no longer care what she does or where she goes, even if it does.

I know that is not easy but over time you will find that you don’t really have to pretend anymore, then you will be free of her forever.

As @gailcalled asked, are you in therapy? It sounds like it would really be beneficial to you.

@janbb Yes, I’m having therapy.

@Headhurts Can you describe the type of therapy that you are receiving? Some types of therapy are better than others for your particular situation.

I think you need to be very frank with the therapist and let him or her know that you are having some difficulties communicating with (your boyfriend, your mother, and this woman) without having an anxiety attack or going on the defense/offense. You need to be very specific with the therapist (not just say that you have a lot of anxiety). Then ask him or her to give you some very specific exercises on how to approach these people, so that it doesn’t end up in a disaster.

You should ask if your therapist would be willing to meet with you and your boyfriend together (or suggest a couples therapist) and if they’d be willing to meet with you and your mom (although your mom is not likely to agree).

You have to be 100 % honest with the therapist or they will not be able to help you. You also may have to try some different combinations of meds to deal with you anxiety and irrational fears. Even if you are on a med right now, it might not be the right med.

Go back and read @Hawaii_Jake’s answer on This Question where he explains that you have to be proactive with regards to your mental illness, you have to ask a lot of questions, you have to do a lot of research on your own, you have to have frank discussions with your therapist to discuss all of your options and not simply accept the status quo, you need to arm yourself with good friends and good relatives who can be your support system, rather than simply trying to make it work with people (could be your boyfriend, could be your mother) that hinder your progress and self worth.

Be proactive, not reactive.

Some of my ex partners (who were partners at the time) were lovely people and I loved meeting them. Some were bloody awful but I had to have a relationship of sorts with them as my one ex and I had a child together. Ugh! It’s dam annoying. Ignore her, pass her onto someone else at work. Let is be known that you are not interested by silence and ignoring. Or just greet her and then busy yourself with other things.

It might help to know that there are a lot of ex’s roaming the world. One particularly bad one of my ex husband used to beat people up, carry guns and even drove a car into the shop window of another ex who was with him at the time. (I know gets confusing). I kept it mild by being awfully polite.

How long have you been with your boyfriend? How long ago was he with this ex? If it’s been a long time, remind yourself of that. Why would he be with you all this time if he wanted someone else all this time?

@Kardamom I’m having CBT which I do not like, and I don’t feel is working, but that might be because I just don’t see a light at this very dark tunnel. I take Sertraline. I think it helped T the beginning, but now my body is used to it, and the pain fights them and wins with a vengeance.

@Seaofclouds We have been together 6 years this month. I think he was with her just over a years, but friends for about 14 years before. Anyone can always find someone else, they just stay with someone until the other comes along. If you get wise you can spot it early and do something about it. Many people get naive after so long and think their partners wouldn’t do that. I can never be accused if being naive. That is one emotion I can still control.

@Headhurts Thank you again for sharing your situation with us. By opening up and reaching out, you will find a way to get a handle on your emotions.

I also want to commend you on simply having a job. With my mental illness, I haven’t worked a full-time job for about 8 years. I recently started a part-time job working in the mental health field, and I like it a lot.

I learned that for me, I have to stick to basics when it comes to dealing with my emotions. When they get out of whack, I force myself to do some specific deep breathing exercises. I hold one nostril shut and breathe in through the other slowly and deeply. I then exhale through my mouth, fully emptying my chest and pushing up with my diaphragm. It calms me most of the time. It’s not a cure-all, but it may help you. I realize you can’t do it at the reception desk at your work, but if you can excuse yourself and go to the toilet, you can do it there.

You’ve told us here a lot of specific instances when meeting or simply seeing this woman about town has caused you great distress. I am interested to know if your therapist and psychiatrist know about these details. I happen to also have a therapist, and she can best help me when she has as much information as possible.

CBT might help you best, if you ask for specific physical tasks to follow when you are upset. Deep breathing is one such physical task. I do it, and I use exercise and meditation.

Give it a try. I wish you the best of luck.

I’m wondering what you think the ex is thinking when she sees you? What you think her intention is?

@Hawaii_Jake It is only part time, and when I do extra shifts, it really messes me up. Although I don’t do anything other than clean, I feel it taking control of my day and I can’t seem to fit it in. Do you understand that? My therapist knows about her, she tells me to do when most people here have said and that is to be as nice as possible to her, then to take time out alone and breathe. Thank you for answering.
@jLeslie I don’t think she has any intention, I don’t think she seeks me out or anything like. I think she feel smug when she does see me, and I think it brings Paul to the front her mind, and it’s that that makes me sick.

@Headhurts Smug? Is that how you feel when you see the new girlfriend of your ex?

@JLeslie No, I have nothing to feel smug for. I think thats how she feels. I feel sick, dread, anxiety, sick.

@Headhurts I am asking if you were her, would you feel smug? If you saw your exboyfriends new girlfriend would you feel smug?

@JLeslie When I see my ex, I feel nothing. If I see him with a woman, I still feel nothing. I left him. I don’t wish him harm and I hope he is happy. Do I think she would feel smug, yes, she is like that.

I just don’t understand feeling smug in that situation. I don’t understand what there is to feel smug about? Why does she feel smug?

Because when we first got together she told me she wouldn’t contact him. She did. She would text him all the time. Sending pictures of herself to him. She feels smug because she thinks I don’t know all this. She’s stopped texting him on his phone now. She emails his work email instead.

Oh, I see. Did you tell your boyfriend to stop engaging with her?

Maybe you should let her know you know. I’m not saying at this event, but get rid of her smug. See what her answer is.

She has just called my work and I spoke to her. I didn’t say my name but I am not from around here, so my accent is quite different. I could hear the doubt in her voice that it was me. I was polite as possible, but I am sure my voice was shaky. I just feel dreadful now.

@Headhurts one step at a time, sounds like you are going in the right direction.

@WestRiverrat It was horrible. Since I have got home, I have been desperate to ask him if he heard from her, but so far, I’ve kept my mouth shut.

Did she come in?

@jca No, she called on the phone.

@Headhurts: No, I meant did she come in to the salon yet? You said in the question that she was going to come in to the salon. I know you spoke to her on phone.

@jca they have booked in to come on the 7th November.

@Headhurts If you really need to, call in sick that day. But it might be worth rehearsing this in therapy to lessen your anxieties and face it.

@janbb It’s not my day to work anyway, or I would have booked a holiday.