When we are very reactive to certain people, does it say more about us or them?

I agree, the deeper the wound the harder to recover, if at all. When we have these issues, obviously you have to look at yourself. We must have self esteem and insecurity issues to let these people hurt us in the way we do. I often wonder how I would behave if I were tougher, if my heart was harder. But sometimes I see people around me who are tougher, and they seem to be insensitive souls with no love in their hearts. I don’t want to be like that.

Yes, your reaction to someone or something is a reflection of your own emotional state. My insecurities and sensitivities had me overreacting to almost anything anyone said to or about me. As I’ve developed more self-confidence, I am less disturbed by criticism or conflict.

In your case, I suspect that the underlying bruise is the feeling of rejection – a feeling that everyone struggles with. You may never be able to answer the question: “Why her and not me?” to your satisfaction. What helped me deal with this when I got back to dating again was knowing that compatibility and chemistry are mysterious and fluid things as people evolve. There are people whom you don’t care for and you can’t always explain why. There is not always an explanation for why someone doesn’t like us, either.

These bruises are still very fresh and tender, but will fade with time. Hang in there… <3

It says everything about us. As cliche as it is, we ultimately choose how we react to any situation. Nobody else can control our emotions but us, thank Gawd!

If your reaction to someone is disproportional , then yes, that’s a sign that they’ve somehow tapped into a pocket of vestigial anger in you, and that bears looking at. What’s “disproportional” may be hard to assess, but if nobody else seems bothered by this person, or not to nearly the same extent, or if others seem puzzled by the degree of your reaction, then you have to consider that it might be disproportional.

The pockets of unresolved anger that we carry about past injuries may be ones that we’re well aware of, or they may be so old or repressed that they’ve settled into the silt out of conscious range. When a situation somehow reminds you of the situation that gave rise to that old anger, then not only do you react with anger that may be appropriate to the situation, but that appropriate anger is reinforced by the reserve of anger that’s still aching for expression. Hence the disproportionality. That’s not to say that they’re above reproach necessarily, but you’ve unloaded your old hurts onto them unjustly.

The solution is to be fully aware of those pockets of anger, or as aware as possible. Knowing they’re there may not make them go away, but it may illuminate why you’re prone to sensitivity in certain situations. Then you’re better positioned to moderate your reactions.

Wonderful question. I think about it often and I do use my reactions as a mirror. Sometimes the issues are obvious and other time more subtle but always worth exploring. I no longer need to use the term “wound,” mercifully. And I do differentiate between reacting and responding, the former being more interesting.

As always, Thorn gets to the heart of the issue. Gauging disproportionality is a challenge, as he says.

Often, since I choose my friends carefully, we react the same way to some people. Even here on fluther, when something gets up my nose, I am not alone, and I can guess who will see things in a way similar to me.

Yes I think so.

Most of the time yes, however…if one has done a fair amount of self awareness work it is also possible to feel a reaction to anothers behavior, in a red flag fashion, that is simply recognized as unhealthy for who one is. I despise passive aggressive personalities not because I am a closet P.A. myself, I am not, can count on 2 fingers the rare moments I have behaved in a passive aggressive fashion. I despise the behavior because it is frustrating and impossible to have any meaningful “communication.”

Once can certainly recognize triggering actions more as an alert/warning, of what one wishes to avoid rather than from a reactive standpoint due to lack of awareness of ones own triggers.

@Coloma Yes, I agree; it doesn’t always mean you have that quality; it can just mean “time to head for the hills.” But there are people one may be forced to interact with and then one must arm oneself.

^^^ Right!

I am learning that if my instinct is to burn in my belly and react I am better off taking a few days to process. It’s taken me over 50 years to figure this out and I’m still not very good at it.

@Judi I’m not talking primarily of an outward reaction or anger necessarily, but more one of hurt and pain. I rarely express anger.

@janbb I think that is my problem. I never show anger. It lets people know that they can get away with anything and treat you like shit.

My own experience has taught me that when I react negatively to someone, be it an ex, a co-worker, a friend or a relative, it is almost always tied up with my own issues. Knowing that rarely stops my negative feelings, but at least being aware of it enables me to take hold of my emotions and dial them down a bit. Did you ever hear the expression, “If you spot it you’ve got it”?

I definitely agree that when we are very reactive we need to stop and think why. I once heard a someone say, and have repeated this myself, that sometimes we throw out a pebble and it lands on the other person like a boulder. Sometimes the person upsetting us is not purposely trying to do so, and they are completely confused when we have a very negative reaction. We might be seen as overly sensitive, while our perspective is the other person is insensitive.

I think it is more than just taking a look at ourselves, it is about the dynamic of the relationship. I think we recreate dynamics that are familiar to us. If we ever sort through how to alter the dynamic, we have successfully put the pain that triggers the dynamic in it’s place. I see it really clearly in my husband’s family. I am sure I must do it to. His family dies the silent treatment, which is incredibly frustrating and passive aggressive to me. One time many years ago his sister called me and burst into to tears saying how awful her mom was being. They had faught and now her mother was dishing out the silent treatment. Years later his sister and I had a falling out and she gave me the silent treatment. She still would say hello at a family thing, but her anger was extremely apparent, and I made a couple attempt to apologize (she had been horrible to me, but I regreted how I reacted, and I was hoping we would both apologize and clear the air) which she would not do in any way shape or form. She let it go on for years, and so now, with his family, I am silent treatment oriented. They taught me to be like them. I don’t do it with anyone else, and I think it is horrible. But, they recreated that dynamic. They want the silent treatment as much as they hate it.

Always, it’s like, shut the fuck up already.
Certainly the case regarding tedious questions here that clearly hold a hidden agenda, yawn!

The person in my life who irritates me the most (and boy, does she irritate me!) has made me realise that often the characteristics about other people that really irk me are often those characteristics about myself that most irritate me, the anger reflects the anger I feel towards myself.