How do people work with people they don't trust?

Sounds a horrible situation for you to be in. I don’t trust anyone until they prove I can. I think it all depends on what you are having to rely on her for? Will there be dire consequences if she stabs you in the back again? Is there money involved?

There is money involved but I don’t suspect her of stealing. It’s more of a power grab.

@Judi While I was writing, you just mentioned that this is about a power grab, but you might be able to tweak this, and make it work:

I’d come right out and say it to their face. I’d say, “You know, since you did X, I have lost trust in you. I need you to provide additional proof that you are actually following through with what you have committed to do.” Then I’d set up an accountablility structure where it would be easy for them to do just that.

There is no need to not forgive, nag or judge here. You simply need additional assurance (in real time-as it is happening) that this person is following through.

If this person pushes back, you could phrase it like this: “Trust is a bit like banking. You start out with good credit because you haven’t yet done anything to lose their trust (that’s why 18 year olds get credit applications in the mail). Once you fail to fulfill a commitment you have made to that bank, they begin to lose trust in you. Your credit limit goes down, the rates go up, etc. Well, I have lost trust in you because you did X, and now I need to know you’re following through.

Carefully, very, very carefully.

But it depends on the degree to which you don’t trust them. I work with people on multi-million dollar construction projects around the world, where missed estimates can cause huge losses for us, or too-high estimates can kill our chances of getting a project in the first place. And at the proposal stage when estimate accuracy is most vital, the scope of the project is often very unclear or in flux.

So we have to trust to the extent that “I can see it in writing”, and many times even the follow-up written confirmations are vague or introduce new uncertainties. Or during a phone conversation with someone on the other side of the planet, they may make a commitment that they’ll handle a particular item of the scope, so that we don’t have to bid it ourselves and make it more expensive (or worse, double-dip and blow ourselves out of the water entirely).

In a lot of those cases, where I sometimes don’t even know for certain who has made the commitment or the exact nature of the commitment – and the bid is going in today – then I’ll reduce our estimate, and include as much notation as I can about who and when and what has been promised. That may not be seen for years, when the shortfall (if there is one) comes to light and has to be paid, but at least the notes are there about how we got to where we are.

So the short answer is: Get it in writing. It doesn’t mean that people won’t still fail from time to time (the more common method of untrustworthiness, I think) or that they’ll try to stab you in the back before or after that happens (which seems uncommon to me despite its popularity in literature), at least you have documentation to present to “the judge”, whoever that might be.

I’ve learned in life you can trust people with some things and not other things. I am not sure one can trust a person 100% simply because we all fall short of perfection.

In the workplace I work out who I can trust with what. Then I use that ability in the process of business.

Documentation.
bcc and cc just became your new friends.

I am sorry you are in this position.

“What is the process of walking in the middle?”

Trust has no middle ground. A person is either trustworthy, or untrustworthy. Both positions are earned.

Acceptance is key. You’ll just have to accept the fact that you work with some untrustworthy people. Not so different than accepting the fact that you also work with some trustworthy people.

At my work there are trust problems, because my boss has been screwed over in the past, and I don’t quite trust my boss either.

The solution we have, is we admit that there is a lack of trust, but put measures in place to buy some peace of mind. For example, they don’t trust me or anyone else to handle the cash. So, the solution is that I get paid 100 bucks extra a week, to take on the full responsibility of the cash. If any goes missing, I have to put it back. This allows them to sort of trust me and leave me alone with the money.

In return, I am paid for a months work up front after I complete the first week of each month, like this I know that if they screw me, I am only 1 week down.

(my contract and work situation is only semi legal)

I like the saying that ” when someone SHOWS you who they really are, believe it!” The 1st time!
You keep a very low profile, share nothing significant with them, CYA in any way possible with documentation and if you know they are really doing unsavory things you quit, expose them, and move on. Nothing worse than dealing with duplicitous people, ugh, I feel for you, truly I do!

This stuation sucks. I am pretty black and white about this also, and I am usually very grey about most things. I would document when bad things happen and otherwise put on my smile and go about things as normal as possible. Keep in mind sometimes people are not trustworthy in one way, but are in others I don’t know if that applies to your situation.

I’ve worked with quite a few heroin addicts over the years so I’m no stranger to working with people you can’t trust. You just need to stay on your toes whenever you’re around these sorts of people.

Untrustworthy people usually foul up along the way which shows their flaws.
Knowing that you cannot trust this person, don’t give any important information to that
person anymore. Keep it simple. Like meeting a person for the first time.
Time will tell when and if to trust a person.
I trusted my friend for nine years and just discovered that she had been telling everyone
in my neighborhood! I am at that stage of disengaging entirely or just keeping it
non personal. She has now become Acquaintance instead of Friend.

I can’t even trust the people I work with to do their share of the work, let alone not stab me in the back. It’s horrible, and I wish I could find something else…

I’ve been tweaking my terms and conditions each time something went wrong over the 15 years I’ve been running this business. I look for ways to make it in the clear financial interests of the employee, contractor or client to do what they need to do in order for them to get the reward they want. For instance, with clients I am going to develop a website for , I split payment into 3 equal parts, Each one is required when I reach an important benchmark on their work, but they can’t get the last bit, training in how to use it all, till they make the final payment. The users out there invariably try to get me to forget that plan. But I just tell them I am sorry, but my hands are ties. That’s the terms and conditions they agreed to, and as an employee of the company, I’m bound by those terms just as they are. They mutter and complain about how unfair it all is, but they pay.

As others have said: document as much as you can. Communicate by e-mail when ever possible. Take the high road, don’t gossip even a little. Lastly, if things don’t change find another job if you can.

@tranquilsea, it’s complicated. I’m sort of the boss, sort of the client, but I own the asset being managed with others. Although I’m the general partner she went around me to the representatives of the other investors.
I should, but now don’t have the horsepower to fire her.

That’s why you document it. Nothing may not be able to be done now but maybe in the future you will be able to. Deal with her sternly but compassionately. She may be causing problems because she thinks she can. I’d ask her directly about my concerns and try to find out were the behaviour is coming from. I’d document that conversation too. If she is really unreasonable then I’d try to get the other stakeholders to understand your position. All your documentation would help that too.

Good luck. Scenarios like these suck, to put it mildly.

Communicate via email not verbally. That way there is no misunderstanding about what was said and time and date it was said.

And in the event you do have to speak face to face, you can follow up with an e-mail.

“Hi, I was thinking about what you said. I’m not 100% sure I understood. Is this right?” Or along those lines. I have actually done this. Works great.

Or “to confirm what we just discussed: I am going to do the intake log by 3:00 and give it to you then.”