Is politeness something we humans need to be taught?

Well humans learn behaviour by observing others, children raised by wolves would imitate them etc. I think it is instinctive to look out for yourself, even at a young age. In saying that, we are social beings and to interact with others involves give and take, so I think kids would learn that through experience, rather than being told what to do, which might take a bit longer!

I think it is, don’t have any proof etc. to back up my thinking except my own observations though, and the way I personally was raised.

Maybe it’s possible that politeness could develop on it’s own in children without being taught but I would think such a thing would rely on the monkey see monkey do method of learning which is teaching through actions.

Then again politeness had to come about some way, that first caveman who held the rock back so his girlfriend could go into the cave first was spontaneously developing manners so I don’t know where I fall on this now…

I think politeness is a human construct, but as @spiritual said, it’s an absolute necessity to survive in societies like ours.

I agree that “politeness” is a social construct and that if one wishes to successfully acclimate to that society, they are going to have to play by its rules. However, gauging the terms of politeness can be very tricky. Someone who grew up in my grandmother’s generation may have a very different politeness gauge than someone who grew up in mine. Likewise, someone who grew up with my SO’s parents’ cultural politeness will have a different set of standards than someone who grew up in mine.

In my experience, you can’t please everybody unless you are able to switch gears readily between situations, populations, etc.

And I have often found myself in quite a lot of trouble for resisting.

We’re born with the need to form social bonds, be accepted and be loved. That much doesn’t need to be taught. We’re wired to feel good when we see that we’re affirmed and valued by those around us. When kids reach the age where they become aware of cause and effect, they notice that more social rewards come their way when they behave in certain ways, and are withheld when they behave in other ways. That’s a learning process.

Yes, they have to be taught. Manners and being polite are not instinctive behaviors. Otherwise we would all be nice to each other all the time. I don’t think that has happened in any community I’m aware of; only the ones in which every family follows the same rules.

Politeness is something mankind did not learn on his own. If man was not taught politeness, meekness, compassion, etc the only thing learned through trial and error would be respect for those who were stronger or more powerful. Give and take would be to give to those who could stomp you into the dirt by taking from those whom you could stomp into the dirt. Any peace would flow from a respect of the power of he who was the strongest. That strength would garner minions who would appease the strong man to not a recipient of his wrath but maybe garner some de facto power by being an ally to the one with the power.

Yes, I think we do need to be taught. Many are taught manners at home as a kid, or even through schooling. Still others learn from peer pressure.

Peer pressure: “Are you an idiot? Your truck is blocking the entire f***ing parking lot!” :)

If they haven’t learned it, or have resisted learning it, at what age do you think it’s too late?

It’s something we need to learn. Not sure it needs to be taught, I think setting an example is much more efficient. Unfortunately, parents don’t often truly behave as they’d like their children to.

“Unfortunately, parents don’t often truly behave as they’d like their children to.” That’s it in a nutshell. They scream at their kids to behave. That’s just insane.

@Dutchess_III Or smack them for hitting other kids…

Yep! That too!. The worst behaved kids have the worst behaved parents…but the parents don’t see it that way. All they see are they have bratty kids, but it’s the kid’s fault, not theirs.

When I lived in the big, three story house, where each floor was an apartment, some horrible woman moved in the floor above mine. She had an infant and a 5 year old daughter. She screamed at them constantly. I’ll never forget, the baby was crying and she screamed at her 5 year old to “Shut that fucking brat up!!” like it was the 5 year old’s baby! I remember hearing that poor child desperately trying to stand her ground but…there was just no hope.
One morning, early, the woman woke me up screaming at the kid. She said something like, “Someday I’ll be dead and THEN you’ll be sorry.” It was sickening.
I am not a confrontational person, but that upset me so much I had to do something.
I got up and went on my back deck to wait for them to come down (they had to cross my deck to get to the stairs leading to her apt.) As they came down I said, “Ma’am, you woke me up with your screaming this morning.”
She whipped around and snarled at her daughter and said, “Now look what you did!! You woke our neighbor up!”
I said, “No, Ma’am. Your voice was the only one I heard. Your daughter is fine. I never hear her. Only you.” I kind of gave a slight nod, trying to convey, “Hang in there honey,” to her daughter, who was watching me carefully.
She huffed away, dragging the kid after her snarling, “Now you got me in trouble! Are you happy???”
It was SO freaking sad. So sad.

I work in daycare centres with children from 1 to 5 years old. We do need to be taught to cooperate and how it is better for us to wait our turn, to say nice things, how to be a friend. The ones who are a bit slow to work this out eventually do, when there is no one in the day care left who will play with them or be nice to them. The slow learners became targets for the other kids who have all learned to get along. It isn’t pretty to watch.

@cazzie I’m curious, though…would SOME kids figure out the benefits of sharing and getting along if no one ever taught them? I’m sure some wouldn’t (like some still haven’t today) but would some figure it out? What are your thoughts?

@Dutchess_III They do catch on because they are social and they want to have friends and be treated nicely. Here is something I found on TED talks, that shows how children reach a point in their development where they start to realise what others want, even if it isn’t what they like. http://www.ted.com/talks/alison_gopnik_what_do_babies_think.html They reach a point, hopefully, where they have developed enough empathy to see things from another person’s point of view. I am watching a little boy, about 13 months, who is just so active and such a handful, and has not been a popular playmate for the other children because he was the youngest and very determined to get what he wanted, but now, after this summer, if one of his daycare class is crying, he comes over with a toy he knows the unhappy child likes and offers it to them, in an effort to comfort them. It is just so wonderful to watch these developments and I feel so privileged to be a small part of their lives.
Of course, kids mimic what they see. The young ones who have older siblings they fight with, carry on fighting with kids in daycare and pulling the same rather cruel pranks they learned from their older siblings. Children who are late to develop language skills tend to have more physical reactions and will push and hit and kick. It is probably one of the hardest habits to break.

@cazzie It’s cool to hear you looking at it with a scientists’ eye! I do the same thing, comparing my daughter’s twins, a boy and a girl, and I’m just astonished at how different they are.