(NSFW) Why do or don't you need physical intimacy from your partner?

It sounds to me like you need some help dealing with other issues (like you assault) before you will be able to be more comfortable with sex. Have you been able to talk about the things that bother you and your past experiences in depth before now?

Personally, I love intimacy, whether that leads to sex or not is not always important but I love the closeness of being naked with my partner.

I have always enjoyed my sexuality, have had plenty of great sex in my life, but at this time physical intimacy is a feeble desire, almost non-existent. For one I am not in relationship, 10 years divorced, for two, I am on the far side of menopause and my desire is not very strong, orgasms are weak and feeble these days due to lack of estrogen. This is one reason I don;t really care to date or be in relationship anymore at almost 54. Waaay too much pressure from most 50 something guys to still look and perform like a 25 yr. old porn star.

I am still an attractive woman but do not want the sexual pressure at all anymore!
I swear…the old horn dogs on dating sites are so annoying, jesus fucking christ….take your old boner and bury it already! lol

If I had a partner, I would enjoy intimacy if we were compatible. (But that would probably be a prerequisite to their being my partner.)

I think you probably do need some counseling on your background issues before deciding whether or not you like sex. I know that mine have had an influence on my sexuality.

this is some pretty hairy stuff. If you feel uncomfortable with sex you shouldn’t be pressured into having it, no matter what happened to who or who was raised how. But I don’t think marriage will magically change your attitude towards sex if you don’t get therapy for it, because things like that can leave life long scars.
You don’t have to deal with it if you don’t want, but it just seems to me that you will unlikely to be able to enjoy a sexual relationship if you don’t. Which will raise this problem with future significant others / husband(s), unless you marry a eunuch.

@AnonymousWoman How well do you and your guy communicate about everything? I think you too need to sort this out or your fears will come home to roost. And I agree with the counseling or therapy advice, especially about the sexual assault. A very strong woman once told me a rape would destroy her life completely.

I do need it. More than he does. Unfortunately we are seperated by 750 miles at the moment.
I’m a miserable girl. lol

@Katniss That smarts. Will you get to be together soon?

@Adirondackwannabe I should be moving in the next 4 weeks, if all goes according to plan. :0)

Okay, it’ll be a long four weeks but hang in there. I’m a guy and I need lots of intimacy. It doesn’t always have to be about sex, but if she doesn’t take care of my needs while I take care of hers I feel shortchanged. But if distance is the problem can you try other methods?

I can empathize with so much of what you’ve said, @AnonymousWoman, although I’ve never been assaulted or taught that sex before marriage is wrong. I just have a low sex drive and it’s just not really something I want to spend my time doing most of the time. My guy loves sex though. I have trouble handling this because I know he’s the “normal” one of the two of us – the problem is mine, and I feel like I’m the one who needs to change rather than us reaching some kind of compromise. And what kind of compromise could even exist?

I love him and I do the sex thing for his sake basically. I know that’s not really healthy or right but I don’t know what else to do.

@Mariah @AnonymousWoman How good is the sex for you? Is your guy really trying to take care of all of your needs and spending time concentrating on your pleasure or does he take are of his own pleasure and expect that to be good enough?

Sex, especially good sex, needs two willing people. If you are not comfortable, wait. Live on YOUR terms always.

Yes, it is important but I think you need to see this in a different way. You are associating sex with being something evil. You do have to work on your sexaul abuse issues if you desire a healthy relationship. A loving relationship is about giving all of you. What I mean is that you are afraid of your boyfriend. Honestly if I were him, I would be hurt. Hurt that in some small way you associate me making love to you as something that is undesirable.

When my husband and I had actual sex, I was petrified (he was my first and only), we were not married yet and I also grew up with old fashion values. But I became ok, with it when I learned letting go of my fears, meant placing 100% trust in his love for me. There is nothing ugly about lovemaking, and nothing ugly about bearing every last inch of you and being lost in an abandon union of two people who love each other.
Just make sure that when you do give in, it is because you are secure in who you are and who he is and that you are not doing it because you feel pressure.

But know that most people can only be put off so much. I had a friend who kept putting her fiance of and the real reason behind it was because she didn’t love him the way he loved her, and she also didn’t trust him. It is easy for people to say that a really loving person would wait, but he has no idea if his wait will be 5 years or for the rest of his life. Contrary to popular belief guys also see sex as the ultimate sign of love and trust. So would I.

Rape is a hard thing to get over but rape is about power. It is a far cry from someone who truly loves you and who you love and whom you have complete trust in.

When my husband and I make love, it isn’t about the logistics of it. It is about being vulnerable to each other. The world doesn’t exist at that moment. We each surrender ourselves to each other without pause, or reservation.

He takes care of my needs. I don’t think there’s an easy switch to flip to fix this. I’m just not all that into sex. And I can’t very well just stop having sex with him now that it’s a regular thing and expect that to go over well.

@Mariah No, there’s never any easy switch when it comes to life and relationships. It’s a lot of work and commitment. I guess that’s why it’s so good when you do find the right mix. Keep the lines of communication completely open and free is the best I have right now. Let me think on it some more. You and your body have been fighting each other for a long time too, which doesn’t make anything easier.

@Mariah Maybe ask him if you guys can focus on the quality aspects for a bit as opposed to the quantity. If you’re not into it right now maybe see if he’ll go slower for a bit? Sex shouldn’t be a duty or a chore. But both of you need to feel comfortable, with yourself and each other. Guys at that age can be walking erections, I know from a first hand perspective.