How would you have reacted to this friend situation?

You might also say to Mrs. #2, “I appreciate your attempting to plan my time, but I’d rather handle it myself and make my own arrangements such as with Couple #1. I’m looking forward to seeing you.”

or ”...both of you as time permits”.

She may have good intentions trying to keep you busy, but that would have pissed me off too. I’m big enough to take care of myself. Tell them you plan to do some things and offer to fit in what time you can with them.

How weird! I would be so confused (and annoyed) by that. Why does she feel the need to be your social secretary? I’m not sure how I would handle it, honestly. I really hate when other people make plans for me, and just expect me to fall in line with them.

The situation is exacerbated some by the fact that we will be sharing a car but still…

How very annoying.

Terribly presumptuous on Mrs. #2’s part, especially the email bitl. I think you handled it right. Frankly, it would be enough to make me cancel entirely.

Well, the trip is planned but I am considering whether I want to hold on to this place in light of other considerations too.

@janbb, so sorry you have to deal with this for what sounded like a very pleasant holiday, but maybe things will work out. Just stand your ground (and don’t mean in that Florida gun law way).

You might want to rent your own car a day or two (or use a taxi), to be able to enforce your independence on your own vacation.

@Pachyderm_In_The_Room Well, it is legal in that state!

Well, the car is actually mine so I can commandeer it.

Stand your steering wheel!

I’d assume first off that the friend meant well.

My mother, who was forever being misunderstood when she went about managing others’ lives and taking charge of situations, always pleaded that she meant well. And it’s true, she did.

However, that is no reason to put up with the presumption exhibited by the friend who has taken charge of your social calendar. In my opinion, it just affects your handling of it, assuming you want to keep the friend.

May I assume that when you say “we” in your story, you’re referring to yourself and your ex? and that this time you’re going as a single person, not a couple? and that your friend Mrs. #2 would never have done such a thing while your ex-husband was still in the picture? Is it possible that she might think that your changed status calls for some special action on her part? and maybe even think she’s doing you a favor?

I’m looking for an understanding of the situation here and not making excuses for her. I really think her behavior was outrageous, but it may still have been kindly meant.

One other question: when you say ”:sharing a car,” do you mean driving down together? or just sharing use of a car once there?

If driving together, I would anticipate a tense drive and would strongly suggest having a plan B in mind.

Yes, to me and my Ex and it was a family friendship for years. Yes, I am going down there alone. Yes, I think she thinks she is being helpful. And – I am flying down but the car is an old one that we have left down there and let them use when we are not there. They will pick me up from and bring me to the airport. I had suggested that since I was only coming down for a few days and not planning any big excursions, we could share the car.

Assume the best, anticipate the worst & enjoy. See how it goes & if she gets sketchy take off.

Well, I think your response was entirely reasonable.

I’m also wondering why friend #1 didn’t question having #2 act as intermediary. Something seems a little bit out of whack all the way around. Are they both perhaps acting weird out of a feeling of awkwardness that they haven’t managed to express? Will this be the first time they’ve seen you since the split?

I would say, ” no disrespect intended but…are you aware that you are not ASKING me if the plans at hand will work for ME?” Bah….control freak be gone.
I dumped a friend like that a few years ago, she was manipulative to boot.
Once, she actually tried to turn the party I was planning at MY house into a “we should have it at MY house!”

Nothing worse than a controlling, matchmaking, dense as a stone, pushy type. lol

@Jeruba No, not the first time.

@Coloma Same here, my besty since age 12, I had to tell her & cut her loose. Just like her mom & she hated it as a kid.

@KNOWITALL Ugh! I hear ya! I have zero tolerance for those that try to push their agendas on you. Pfft….be gone!

I didn’t read all of the previous responses (as I’m presently on vacation myself) but what I would have done, in addition to renting my own car for my own independence (which would always be a given as I never like to rely on anybody), is just send a general email to all couples that I (or we) look forward to seeing them all, but nothing is really planned yet and nothing is written in stone, and I look forward to a nice relaxing vacation that includes both visiting and relaxing. That would be my diplomatic way of reminding all that NOTHING is planned yet, without actually insulting anybody directly. If I were to be spending time with these couples, I wouldn’t want to be offensive as @marinelife suggests, as I wouldn’t want to go down there (and possibly be sharing a rental car with) anybody that I’ve just started a fight with. Therefore, a general email about nothing being planned would be my way of letting them all know that the schedule or lack of, is all up in the air and subject to revision.

I can understand what you must be thinking dear but next time you need to be more polite. Tell them “Thank you for your help dear, But I want to handle it on my own.”

@kavita000 who said I wasn’t polite?

I just wanted to say you’ve shown much more patience than I would have in this situation. I was so shocked when you posted what your friend did that I had no idea what advice to give. I would have been livid.

UPDATE: I wrote her an e-mail and said that I would like to talk on the phone a bit more about the plans. Said that I’ve been overwhelmed and a bit stressed out by various things – which I named – and that I might need to revise the plans a bit. I ended by saying I was looking forward to seeing them. Haven’t heard back yet.

@janbb I am sorry dear but I did not mean to say anything against you. I did not say that you were not polite but sometimes even when we don’t want to, but we end up hurting others. That’s what I meant to say. I hope you got my point. Sorry if you found my previous reply a little bit rude.

@janbb: Please update. Did they show for vacation? How was it?

JCA
The Update Lady