Unhappily married, into a co-worker/boss, a different co-worker seemed to express interest, what do I do?

my opinions

1. take care of your family first before all else (including your education)
2. don’t shit where you eat

Once you’re separated, you can do either thing (express interest or accept a dinner invitation). Until then, put it out of your mind. Concentrate on the important stuff (your kids, your education) first.

Unhappily married or not and no matter how tempting, you are well advised not to become involved with a co-employee—especially your boss. I can assure you your life will become unbearably difficult and complicated at work and at home.

Doing it would not be fair to either your husband or the person you want to seek for a date since right now you are still in the relationship with your husband happy or not. So I say don’t do it until you are fully out of the relationship with your husband.

Dating someone you work with, let alone work for, is usually a horrible idea. I certainly wouldn’t advise it. Like the others said, focus on your family until you can get the divorce. I believe you should think more about how your kids will take the divorce rather than what man you’ll be sleeping with next. Priorities.

I must say, though, that I feel awful for your husband. You’re sticking around, essentially lying to him and your kids by pretending nothing huge and life-altering is about to happen, because he’s “filling the void” until you get your degree. Ouch.

I sure hope him spoiling your kids isn’t the only reason you want a divorce. And I sure hope you and he have had real conversations about your problems and at least attempted to work them out.

Divorce first and take some time for yourself. That being said, divorce will not change your husband’s behavior with your children. Have you tried counseling to help with the differences in your parenting styles?

You biggest mistake is carrying on with the assistant manager. Stop that immediately. Get the rest of your life straightened out.

Your ending marriage and your interest in someone else are two separate issues. Your dissatisfaction with the marriage might be making the other guy seem better than he really is.

I would take some time to finish up the divorce, focus on yourself and the kids for a while, and see if you feel the same way about the AM a few months down the line. If you really do care for each other, then one of you might want to find a new job or get transferred to a new department. (Hint: as a newly-single mother, maybe it shouldn’t be you. You have enough on your plate already.)

It also wouldn’t be a bad idea to date other people casually, once you feel ready. You might find a spark and dating is fun. It might be nice to have an easygoing relationship with no complications, after this drama. There are lots of interesting people out there, and you might meet someone else that you like.

I would not date someone at work if I were you. It could be messy and distracting, and impact any promotions you may have coming. It would also cause gossip and be potentially embarrassing. It may also get you fired.

If I were you, I would concentrate on getting your degree and enjoying your time with your children. Get the degree out of the way. Consider talking to the hubby about therapy. If he says no, you know where you stand. He may surprise you and say yes. Then you can use therapy to make a decision (a more well informed decision rather than one where you are looking at other men) about whether to stay or go. Therapy does not necessarily mean you are staying. It will help you decide. Once you have a relationship with the therapist, you can do individual sessions and discuss your options.

Divorce won’t solve your problems with the boys. He’ll still be in their lives, and will still be spoiling them rotten.

You can’t put a spin on it that “I’m doing it (selflessly) for my children” to cover up the fact that you want to have an affair with a co-worker or two—which would be a total disaster by the way. You will probably be out of a job within the next year.

Does your husband know about this impending divorce?

I could be wrong it happens all the time but I have a feeling he’s completely unaware of what he is about to be blindsided with.

You mention your overwhelming concern that your husband is spoiling your children. Have you done any research on what effect your “solution” for that (namely divorce) will do to their lives?

Here’s a 25 yr. study done by a reputable researcher that you might find interesting. .
.
http://www.americanvalues.org/html/bk-the_unexpected_legacy_of_di.html

Have you honestly done your best to explore all other options, including counseling for both you and your husband (as well as yourself individually) before tossing a bomb like that into their lives?

Instead of worrying about which guy you should be considering next, how about worrying more about how your kids will turn out.

I have always admired Jacqueline Kennedy for having the insight to realize that “if you screw up your job of raising your kids right, nothing else really matters.”

And the proof of that belief is the type of adults her kids became despite the turmoil and grief of their fathers assassination. I think she did a really fine job of it. She wasn’t counting on nannies and inherited wealth. She knew the responsibility for parenting her kids rested squarely on her shoulders.

If your husband buys the kids new toys daily, then I imagine you guys spend a lot of money on toys, yes?

I find that non-custodial parents are even MORE prone to spoiling the kids since they see them less frequently and don’t have to deal with the day-to-day stresses of the kids’ behavior. “Spoiling” kids involves more than buying them stuff, and you ditching dad for an office fling could do a hell of a lot more harm than them being over-indulged with toys.

You seem to be considering an impulsive and selfish course of action in considering divorce and getting involved with someone else right away. There are no guarantees that either of these guys is truly romantically interested in a serious relationship (or are you just depressed and falling victim to wishful thinking and projections?); and even if they are interested in you, you’d be bringing 2 kids into the relationship and that is a very complex situation even for the most dedicated of step-parents.

As a single mom of only one child, I assure you that being the one and only parent 24/7 is exhausting and you’d be surprised how little time and energy you’d have to go out with your potential boyfriends.

If you feel so strongly about your religious belief that what you are considering is a sin, and you have others here telling you that it’s a bad idea – regardless of religious belief – I highly suggest that you take a step back and look at this more objectively. Seek out counseling whether from your pastor/priest, or from a licensed mental health professional. And always consider your children’s true needs first.

I met my boyfriend at work. I was the Receptionist, he was a Solicitor. I wouldn’t change anything, though if it didn’t work out, then I guess one of us would have had to leave. Probably me with having the least important position. Neither of us was in a relationship already, or had kids. I understand you being attracted to someone and wanting some fun, but you have kids, and in my eyes, they come first. Maybe leave your husband, get your kids settled after the split, and then think about having fun.

If you truly want to be the primary influence for your children you will get a divorce, stop living a lie, refuse to become involved in an affair and..most importantly….SHOW YOUR CHILDREN, in deed and action that when one is unhappy it is up to ones own self to make the necessary changes!
If in relationship issues continue to be recycled with no compromise or real, sustainable, change it is time to GO!

GO FORTH and lead by EXAMPLE!
Most kids would prefer two happy, well adjusted parents living apart than to be in the line of fire of constant discord, negativity, dead zone energy or worse yet, constant fighting and drama.
Get your little duckies in a row mama and do not fall prey to the stupidist and most self centered thing a person can do, become a liar and cheat on top of the problems that an affair will not rectify.

@Coloma I’ll second that.

Thanks to all for your responses. There have been some useful ideas but I feel the need to clarify a few things mentioned in some of the posts:

To livelaughlove21:
I have considered how my kids will take the divorce. That is why I am waiting to finish school. I know very well that getting a divorce before I can have more time available for them will be more devastating than the divorce itself because they will not have their father there on a daily basis to spend time with them either, not that he wouldn’t be allowed to see them or anything. I just think that they would be better off spending less time being taught all of his bad habits and having everything they ever cry for handed to them. I want them to have everything they want. I just want them to learn that they have to earn some things and to respect and care for the things they have. And I certainly do not want them to grow up thinking it is okay to do things behind my back or feeling like they have to hide things from me. This is my biggest concern in regard to the welfare of my kids.
By the way, my priority is my kids. My motivation for considering any dating is not sex. While I am well aware many people think that’s what dating is all about, I am not one of those people. I did not seek or ask to develop feelings for anyone else. These things just happen sometimes. However, the fact that I have these feelings for anyone else just shines a spotlight on the loss of those feelings toward my husband over the years.
I also agree that not telling him now is a horrible thing to do. However, there are other circumstances involved, such as the fact that we will both have to find another place to live and neither of us has the money to do that at this particular point in time. I believe it would be very difficult for us (and certainly the kids) to continue living under the same roof throughout the process of a divorce.
So you know, there are other reasons for the divorce. As I stated in my original post, I was very young when we got married (my mistake). He is 15 years older. We have basically grown apart. I really had no idea what I wanted in a relationship or a husband but was too dumb to realize it at the time. I was young and stupid. No one took the time to teach me anything about life before I was out there experiencing it. I was left to figure it out on my own. Now I am paying the price and, unfortunately, I cannot avoid hurting others in some way.
As for discussing our problems, it has been done. We have even seen a counselor about the parenting. The counselor even told him to stop giving the kids everything they ask for. He doesn’t get it.

To seaofclouds:
I intend to divorce first and take time for myself. However, aside from the usual workday activities, I have not had the opportunity to spend time with anyone who shares similar interests or can carry on an intelligent, worthwhile conversation for a very long time (my husband only completed 8th grade). Having the freedom of time for myself would likely include occasional quality time with other adults. It just so happens that there are a couple I would prefer to spend that time with.
Also, I understand that divorce will not change his behavior. However, it will provide a method for limiting the amount of exposure to his parenting style. We caw a counselor who disagreed with his parenting style and told him it had to change and how to change it. It didn’t faze him.

To elbanditoroso:
I hardly think I am carrying on with the AM. I am not going out with him or actively pursuing him. The flirtation is minimal. For the most part, our relationship is very professional.

To Haleth:
I appreciate the fact that you did not assume or imply that I am just some horrible, selfish slut like several other posts so far.
I believe your approach makes perfect sense and is really the approach I was leaning toward. As I stated in my original post, I have no intention of pursuing any other relationship of any type until after finalizing the divorce. I have just been very distracted and confused by the whole situation and I have no one to discuss it with because my husband doesn’t seem to think I need to spend time with anyone but him and the kids. While I agree it is important to do so, I also feel that everyone needs a little ‘me’ time and time with friends outside of work and home. He gets upset that I go to dinner with a group of friends from the office 2 times a year. I never get out other than that or grocery shopping. Is that really that bad?

What is your 8 year old like? Is he a horrible brat, or is he respectful, does well in school, etc? Does he throw fits if he doesn’t get his way?

If it wasn’t for your attraction to your co-workers, would you even be considering divorce so seriously at this time?

This isn’t going to work out like you think.

Your finances will TANK. It’s possible you could lose custody of the kids, or it’s possible he’ll get 51% custody, in which case you’ll have to pay child support. Does he have the money to drag you into court every month? Do you have the money to hire a lawyer to fight him?

It’s very possible you’ll be introduced to SRS, foodstamps, Welfare, all that awesome (not) stuff.

The kids might start this “I want to go live with my Dad!” business.

Head games, involving the kids, will be an everyday occurrence.

When I divorced my husband, I never, ever in a million years dreamed that a couple years later he would move 2000 miles away, and my kids would lose their father completely. I would have stayed in my marriage no matter what, if I had known he would do that.

He didn’t pay child support because I didn’t have the money for a lawyer.

I went from living on $50,000 a year and being able to stay at home, to trying to support the kids on about $10,000 a year. It was horrible.

The 8 year old defines the word brat often but she does have some good moments. School is okay so far but getting her to do homework is a fight almost every day.
I have been considering the divorce since before the AM came to the company and I would still be at the same place now if I had never net him.
I understand the custody and financial aspect of divorce but, given that my husband’s only income is SSI and it is barely enough for him to live on alone, I doubt there will be much of a custody battle. Quite honestly, given his limited education and some of the things he does (e.g. leaving the 3 year old in the car alone with the door open while he goes into a gas station because he doesn’t want to wait for the other adult he was with to come out of the station) I doubt any judge would look favorably upon him as a custodial parent.

If he lives on SSI how can he afford to buy toys and junk on a daily basis?

He makes a little cash on junk or sometimes working on mowers.

Well, one thing for sure, if you get a divorce it sounds like he won’t be able to buy the crap for the kids any more.

You do know he will try to turn the kids against you. It’s YOUR fault he doesn’t have the money to do it any more. It’s YOUR fault they’re so unhappy. Oh, and by the way, you don’t have to do anything your mom says.
I’m not saying any of that is true, but the truth doesn’t matter when it comes to revenge. For too many people, neither does the emotional well being of the children.

All I can do is promise you it will be nothing like you dream. It will be heartbreakingly difficult.

First of all, I hope your husband spoiling the kids isn’t the only reason you want a divorce. After the divorce, I’m almost certain that he will spoil them even more. Secondly, having a relationship with your boss or coworker should be the least of your worries right now. You claim that you can’t file for divorce right now because you don’t have enough time due to working on your degree. If you barely have enough time to spend with your kids or to follow through with a divorce, you certainly don’t have time to be lining up your next potential boyfriend. I’m sorry to be blunt, but there are kids involved. You need to get your priorities in order.

Even though you don’t think a judge would grant him custody a judge might and you need to keep that also as possibility when a divorce happens. When my daughter was in the process of her adoption and her bio parents rights were being taken away the judges cases all changed and because our judge wanted to see her case thru till the end she kept it on her caseload and going to court I got to see alot of custody battles and at your 8 year olds age the judge may take her into their chambers and have a chat about who she wants to live with and why. I saw our judge do it with kids younger than 8 so it is a good possiblility they will take her feelings into consideration and you may loose the custody of the kids as a result. How much he makes on SSI doesn’t matter because you will be paying child support to him to care for the kids. Custody battles are not fun to watch and I saw many many of them and the only ones that seemed to get hurt over it all is the kids. It would be much better for your kids if you can come up with an agreement that will be good for both of you before going before a family court judge because they will decide for you. One thing you don’t want to do is assume the mother will get custody because that is not always the way it goes.

I’m sorry if you feel that people are looking down upon you, your situation is not a good one to be in but I have always felt that you end or finish one thing completely before getting into another. Men are a dime a dozen and if this AM truly likes you and wants to be with you then he will still be there when you are available to begin something with him. If he’s not then another will come along that will be when the time is right and you are not still in the relationship you are in. If this means you are a bit lonely while you finish your degree then that is the price you will have to pay to stay where you are and not pursue a divorce now. There are always prices to pay and consequences in the decisions.

When I make any decision I weight all consequences and any possible outcomes as a result my decision to do this or that then I see what I can live with and make the decision accordingly. You need to remember that cheating or dating this AM can turn a divorce from being no fault to being your fault as a result from this small decision if your husband finds out. He can also use the fact that you strayed from the marrige against you when it comes to custody of the children.

creative1,
Your advice is helpful. I have been married to my husband for almost 21 years. He is a very predictable kind of person. Also, he was married previously and I am well aware of how he handled the kids and custody arrangement after that divorce. I do believe I can work out an arrangement with him that will allow him time with the kids and still limit the detrimental effect of spoiling them.
I just want to make 1 thing clear. I believe I misstated something in my original post that has led everyone to believe I am interested in an extramarital affair with this AM. However, that is not the case. I have stated more than once in subsequent posts that I do not intend to engage in any relationships or otherwise before obtaining a divorce. I may be dumb enough to fall into this situation but I do have enough sense to know that being unfaithful would cause more harm than good.

@Coloma Thank you! “Dead zone energy” is exactly what I’ve been trying to describe in my own life.

@Jmac Could you be going through a mid-life crisis?

I suppose a mid-life crisis is a possibility but I do not think it really has any bearing on the desire for a divorce. It may explain the other issues though.

What @Dutchess_III says is true.
I divorced 10.5 years ago after 22 years of marriage and being a stay at home mom for most of those years. It WAS hell, I worked 3 jobs, rented a tiny cottage that was about 50 years old with moss growing from the roof and drove a 10 year old car that I was always worried would fail me and leave me stranded without repair monies.
My daughter did move in with her dad at age 16 because he was the cool parent and had the money, I paid child support for 2 years and went to court endless times.

But…you know what?
I wouldn’t change a thing!
I adored my funky little cottage, fixed it up so cute on a thrift store budget.
My daughter and I are extremely close now, after a few years of stress and discord and she now sees her dads flaws without the blinders of her teenage ideals and we have the best time together.

Like a lot of women in my age group I divorced my ex on the cusp of the peak of his career and financially my life is very stressful at this time again due to this economy, but..I in-joyed 10 years of peace and prosperity.
My ex now lives in Houston and makes well over 120k a year in his corporate job while I continue to struggle.
Still….not ONCE, have I ever regretted my choice to divorce.
You WILL survive and ultimately THRIVE again!

@Coloma….I wouldn’t have regretted it either…except the kids dad moved completely out of their lives, went to Washington state and started a whole new family. That affects them to this day, and always well.

What @ItalianPrincess1217 asked…is the spoiling of the kids the only reason you want to divorce him?

@ItalianPrincess1217 and @Dutchess_III

The OP stated, “So you know, there are other reasons for the divorce.” She did not state what the other problems were, though, other than that she was too young when they got married and they’ve grown apart.

@Dutchess_III So has my daughters father, but…he moved to Houston 3 years ago and she was 23, so, she doesn’t much care. Me? I am thrilled to have the entire state of California to myself again. lol

Yeah, my youngest kids were 5 and 7 when he left. He took my then 14 year old daughter with him, landed in a homeless shelter where she got scabies and where he met his next wife. He refused to send her home until she wound up pg at 15. She and his wife were pg at the same time. It was a fuckin’ nightmare.

@Dutchess_III Oh jeeez. My ex just got arrested for letting my daughter and her friends drink at age 16 in his house and the neighbors called the police due to noise and he was arrested for providing booze to the kids. Fools be gone, and they are! haha

@Coloma I’m so glad for you! It really sounds like you did the right thing.

I’m in my 20s and have no clue what it’s like to have kids or go through a divorce. But any of the things you described sound better than being married to the wrong person.

@Haleth Yes, there comes a time when you wake up and smell the dysfunction.
I remember thinking that I would have chewed my own leg off to escape my marriage trap. lol
Anything is better than staying in a soul killing relationship!

I would have done it though if I’d known the kid’s dad was going to leave them. I would let my own soul die so theirs could live.

I am glad I found this site. This whole discussion has been very helpful. It has allowed me to explore different aspects and viewpoints surrounding the whole situation. By doing so, I have been able to organize the thoughts swirling in my head and make some sense of them. I knew I was not thinking rationally but I couldn’t help myself. All the while I was longing so badly for someone to discuss this with but there wasn’t anyone. Family members and co-workers are too close to all parties involved so they were not good options. This discussion is what I needed to get my thoughts straight and move forward on a rational course. I still plan to proceed with the divorce but I feel like I am better equipped to manage the other issues in a more adult and rational manner. Dating and such can wait. It’s really not that important.
I think the main reason I was so focused on the attraction to others was really just a manifestation of the need to talk about the situation. This discussion has provided that opportunity. Thank you to all who participated. You’ve all been very helpful, even those with harsh words. I think I really needed that too.

@Jmac: You’re welcome. Please stick around Fluther. You’ll find we’re a great community of diverse people who can be helpful to each other on many topics. We also have good debates and if you stick around, you’ll get to know others better and feel like part of a real community. Each of us is valued and if you stick around, you’ll be valued, too!

Welcome to Fluther, @Jmac. I’m sorry some of us came across a bit harsh.

I’ve been there @Jmac. Just desperate for someone to care.