Do not be a “Tyler” mom. This is the woman who takes her kid into a store and the child immediately starts mis-behaving, and then you hear this, “Tyler, honey, put that down, Tyler. Tyler come back over her, Tyler. Honey! Put that down. (you hear a crash). Tyler, honey, what is that in your hand? Tyler, put that down! Tyler, mommy’s counting! Tyler, honey I said to put that down, now what have you got in your mouth? Tyler mommy’s counting, one. Tyler, please come over here. Mommy’s counting, one, two! Tyler! Honey put that down (you hear another crash and a spill of a drink). Tyler! OK, I’ll get you another Fanta, but you have to put that down first (you hear screaming from Tyler).
And it goes on and on and on. Before they entered the store, Mommy should have told Tyler exactly what he should do and not do (such as keep your voice down, stay with Mommy and the cart, and not to pick up anything) The first time Tyler picked up the item, Mommy should have firmly told him to not only put it down, but to put it back exactly where it came from. If he refused or started to scream. She should have told him firmly that they were leaving, and she should have left. When they got home, she should have told him exactly why they left the store (because he refused to follow instructions). Then she should put him on the Naughty Step ala Jo Frost from the Supernanny.
I really admire Jo Frost’s way of teaching and disciplining children. She’s firm, but loving. No one gets hit, no one gets screamed at, and there are age appropriate explanations for why the child is receiving the punishment he/she gets. I’ve tried this technique with some of my young friends and relatives (I don’t have kids) and it works. One of my cousins is an elementary school teacher and she uses these techniques. Because of this, she is both loved and respected.
Of course you, yourself, must lead by example. If you don’t want your child to be a slut or a player, or irresponsible with money, or selfish or mean, don’t be those things yourself. If you want your child to be kind and polite, be that way yourself. If your child attempts to act in a way that would not make you proud, let them know ahead of time exactly what you think is acceptable and what is not, and have age appropriate punishments lined up for them if they go against what you think is appropriate behavior. Be open to listening to them, so they can explain why they might think it’s cool to behave in a certain way. I remember my early teenage years as having influential peers making shaming comments to me, such as, “So do you always do everything your parents tell you to do? You must be a goody two shoes.” or hearing other girls say stuff about other girls, such as, “God did you see Liz, she’s so lame, look at her dorky clothes and greasy hair.” Peers can have a really negative effect on your kids, if your kid is especially sensitive or shy (like I was back then) to try to fit in, or at least blend into the background, and not be the center of attention in a negative way (to be made to feel ashamed of themselves). That’s why some young pre-teen girls will starve themselves or dress like Miley Cyrus. Because if they don’t, their friends will tell them they are lame and drop them. Be very aware of this situation, especially with girls.
Have your information ready at hand to explain why it’s neither cool nor appropriate to behave in certain ways. Never say, “Just do it!” or “Because I said so.” Because that will just make you look stupid.
Having said the above paragraph, know that I think you are a wonderful person and a great parent. I think you are very wise and would never do something stupid or mean. I think the hardest part (I’m guessing) about being a parent is becoming tired of having to manage it all, ever day, never being able to take a vacation day off from being a parent. So there is always the danger in becoming too tired to do the right thing by way of your kids. I see it every day. With parents who have the best intentions, but their day to day lives are so busy and tiring, that sometimes it’s just easier to use the TV as a babysitter, and it’s easier just to let their kids eat soda and chips for dinner, because they’re simply too tired to shop for and prepare a nutritious meal.
Sometimes it’s good to have charts, depends upon what kind of kid you have. Some kids need charts to be able to complete their tasks and remember what is expected of them. Some kids just need reassuring comments every now and then from their parents. You have to know what kind of personality your particular kids had, because some kids need more encouragement and micromanaging than others. But if you get your kids mixed up and use the wrong kind of technique on one, rather than the other, it’s going to be a difficult battle for both you and the child. An easy going child needs different techniques than a more defiant or independent minded child. An easy going child may only need you to let her know that you expect her to clean her room and make her bed. A more difficult child may need a chart with very exact specifications as to what it means to “clean” a room or make a bed.