(NSFW). A virgin?

Hymens vary dramatic in elasticity and size.

When my husband and I had intercourse for the first time, it did not hurt and I did not bleed.

Either you trust her or you don’t. You could tie her up and administer thumb screws but that probably wouldn’t bode well for the future.

I am not sure what to say.

This question makes me angry.

Hymens can break without sex sometimes women bleed very little.

That said it apparently is an issue for you. You don’t trust her past or consider her slightly trashy.

That is a bad way to start marriage. And wanting to marry her bc you deflowered is messed up. If you deflowered her because you want to marry her that is much better.

Admittedly we all have doubts before big steps. Hopefully that is the only one.

@gailcalled. Thanks. But can you at this point in time,with your legs apart the normal way, make penetration a bit difficult for him? Asin play with ‘those’ muscles

Let’s assume, given your doubts about her truthfulness on the topic, that she really isn’t a virgin. (I’m only making this assumption for the sake of argument. You’ve given no conclusive evidence that states “she can’t be a virgin”.)

What would it matter? If you love her, then you love her. As you said, you dated her, and for a long time, expecting that she had been (in your words) “a bad girl”. It’s not like you didn’t know what her dating history was or the kinds of guys that she had been with.

Now here you are: She loves you and, knowing you, knows how important the virginity thing is to you. Well, how important, given your double standard on the topic, it is that she be a virgin, anyway? That’s what she’s telling you, and she’s incensed that you doubt her word, since she promises that it’s so. Maybe she’s not, but she can’t change that fact, if so.

Again, what does it matter?

You can choose to believe her despite your doubts, or you can be as honest with her as you seem to be with us, confess to her your full past, convince her that her response about whether she is or is not a virgin doesn’t matter as long as you know the truth (because if she’s not a virgin, then she may always compare you to her former lover/s) and have the discussion with her when you ask her again, whether she really is or is not a virgin.

My own sense of things is that she may not be, given her loud protestation to the contrary and what you know about her past, and you seem to be somewhat afraid of confrontation if you won’t persist in getting a definitive answer.

But again, what does it really matter? If I were you I wouldn’t even ask the question. The important question is, “Will you be satisfied with me only and will you be faithful to me?”

@washie: I have had two kids so am probably not the right one to ask. But I can certainly tighten up the muscles. Keigel exercises

Edit: Hymens vary dramatically…

@washie in answer to your question directed @gailcalled. Yes a woman can. Especially if its been awhile or she is really tense or not well primed or lubricated.

Still she could be telling the truth.

The only reason to lie is if she had good reason to. Would you look at her differently? Would her value decrease, would you marry her? Maybe she doesn’t trust you about this. What if she had done everything but vaginal penetration or close to it she would still technically be a virgin so that makes everything ok right?

Look I may not understand your culture. But clearly there is a double standard do you want your gf to know everything about your sexual relationships would you like to be rejected because you are not a virgin?

And if course I gave less of an idea about her history then you do so please don’t interpret this as me saying she is not. I gave no idea.

I like what @CWOTUS said. Would you marry her regardless?

You’ve been catting around all this time and you want a virgin? Want a virgin, be a virgin. I’m sorry, but your misogynistic viewpoint leaves me unable to answer in any positive way.

@Unbroken.hahaha,i do get you. Yes, you are very right. She is a perfect girl, very beautiful and I dont and will never treat her like trash.
The problem here is TIME. Marrying time i see pefect for me. I am 22. having ‘non-virgin’ girls can take me up to 29, the time i am sure my career will have bloomed. Having a virgin girl,which is what i just did, will mean i have to rearrange my playing cards, cant take her to 29 as she will be 28 by then!

I do really really love her with everything i have got. I didn’t pressure her to have sex with me. I laid down open my cards on the table from day one, so she knew all about my previous sex relationships. Her giving me her flower did not change the way i love,feel or see her. I simply just love her. So i can either choose to stay and rearrange my life; or to just move on like I always did and am best at (which in this case kisses and hugs my career plans).

Trust is what i want here. And as i have said its too late to enquire that from her now, as it may only cause a heartbreaak. So I am standing at the edge here, i just need a lil push from you to fall into this deep pit of forever love, a happily-ever-after pit, or a pull from it.

The double standard you have/had is not a good way to start a marriage. People who live with double standards tend to be very self centered, and aren’t much fun to live with. You might want to take a good hard look at yourself. If you love her, don’t treat her like that again.

@ETpro put it perfectly.

oh,@Unbroken. I just saw your last response like now after i have posted again already. But am sure my post did touch some of the areas mentioned in your and @CWOTUS’ response. And to answer your question or should i say add on to what i have just posted…NO i wouldnt mind,nothing would change after knowing because I made it clear to her from the beginning that I am a virgin and dont expect or hope to marry one. I didnt care because I myself wasn’t. That was said and discussed during the first few days of our dating.

The only problem is her lying to me that she is when she is not just to make me stay maybe or other she and her God knows why reasons.
@ ETpro, i am sure you are answered here,above. I dont hope to have a virgin for my ring, and do hate a faking non-virgin one.
@gailcalled. Thanks for being honest too.

@washie How many women have been stoned to death because they were virgins, but the “proofs” the tribal elders (males) expected were not found? How many trollops were clever enough to fool fools into thinking they were virgins? The whole line of inquiry is misogynistic and it’s also absurd. You cannot know. If it’s important to you to know and yet you fail your own test, then you condemn yourself based on your own ethics. How is your mate supposed to know if you are a virgin? Did you bleed for her?

And to answer your question @ETpro: no,no i didn’t bleed as I expected, because that was the first encounter i had with a ‘virgin’.

Hymens actually have very little to do with virginity. Does she use tampons? Play sport as a child? Ride a bike or a horse? Ever had a gyno exam? Sometimes they’re barely there to begin with.

What you really need to work on is your trust issues, because unless you can change that, every relationship you have is doomed to failure.

@downtide. Thank you. Your answers have been very helpful guys. I think I have to stand in front of the mirror and have a good look at myself first and too. All was okay until the day she told me a lie pertaining her so-called boyfriend (long story….but if you dont mind, i have got all day i can give it in great detail.hahaha) thats when I think I lost my trust in her. I was heartbroken. So i guess i have to trust her again as i promised after that incident.

Not all virgins bleed during their first time. I didn’t. And being able to take two fingers means nothing.

Do her a favor and don’t marry her.

@livelaughlove. Hahaha, c’mon. I see things differently and clearer now. I am very grateful for the answer though. I am sure I missed a lot of fun all the time I was having these bad thoughts. Unconditional love she righteously deserve I shall CONTINUE to give her forever, a promise I promise you my sisters to keep. Thanks thanks.

I’m going to ignore how angry this question is making me and just address the points.

1. Yes, fingers can fit in a virgin vagina, unless the hymen is in the way.

2. The hymen does not always break upon first intercourse, and can break prior to intercourse for many reasons. Mine didn’t break until two months into our marriage. (and, ouch. My hymen was apparently made of steel.)

3. Yes, if she does her Kegels, she could be able to squeeze quite tightly (enough to cause pain, actually. Sorry, hubby.)

If she was turned on, which I assume she was, that would explain why you could fit multiple fingers into her.

I gather that from your culture, virginity is important and this is probably why you are so obsessed with it.

My problem is though is that you talk of virginity yet you are not one, and now I read you already mistrusted her but it seems in hopes of “deflowering” her you went and did that anyway, so now yet again possibly another young girl is misguided by you and gives up her virginity for what she possibly believed in but now it seems like you are having second thoughts and you want to take that back and tell a story that you don’t trust her?

But I am sorry because you are just as untrustworthy. You really have no right to question her. You don’t want to start any relationship off like that. The past is the past, it’s just a memory and be lucky that she is allowing you to make beautiful memories with her. Jealousy will get you no where but a sentence of a lifetime of hateful thoughts and out on a mission for the perfect virgin girl, giving yourself a record.

You can either forgive or not. But just remember that bitterness is like a cancer.

I hope it all works out for both of you.

….and I am truly sorry to those I angered by my actions, it was due to my being ill-informed on the subject but with your answers i know better now and regret it as i have said in my last post.

And most of all, I am sorry to the ‘love gods’ who led this beautiful lady to me. I will be a better man.

@washie; Have you mentioned your culture and your native language?

The Tribal Witch Doctor says to the Tribal Leader-
“Sire, this year’s Parade of Virgins is cancelled. One is sick, and the other refuses to march alone”

Like you said, she grew up “a naughty girl….”

@gailcalled. No. I am from the southern region of Africa. And our culture is not strict on that issue, not anymore.

@josie. If you dont mind, please shed more light. I didn’t get you.

I thought that this was Fluther not ‘50 Shades of Grey Vol. 4’.

As has been previously stated, the hymen can be broken by various things, such as horse riding, tampons and gymnastics I have no doubt.

I think you have an awful lot to learn before you start blaming this girl, starting with a basic reading about human bodies,

Still, I do wish you lots of luck for your future.

@washie
First of all, I think you know what I mean. You might even be, what they call around here, a troll.
Having said that…
I think the joke is that there really are not very many virgins out there.
Not that there should be, or should not be, or that it really matters.
But if you are hanging your hat on finding a virgin, you are living in a different world.
Girls like it, guys like it. and that is the way it is. People do it for their own reasons, and if they are suppressed by a cultural norm, they are on the defensive in our time.
You think you can do what you want, and girls should wait for you to get it out of your system.
While you were not paying attention, the world changed.
So, you are either a troll, or living in a fantasy.
Either way, I do not care. But neither one is healthy.

@washie I don’t think any one of us is particularly “angry”. It’s more of an astonished feeling when (well I speak for myself only) that you don’t actually realize what type of crusade you are on, unless you do know because it seems astonishing to me that you don’t! Please don’t take offense. We can only respond with what you have given us, and either it is trustworthy or not and we have to make that choice and give an answer from there.

IMHO, you are basically making the public statement that you have a higher authority in any romantic relationship that you have, that to me, in the world we live in today, astonishes me. You seem like you may be young, and if you are you will learn and if you are indeed trolling :/ you will learn from that too and that out here you cannot pull the wool over our not so virgin eyes. :-[

The time I was deflowered is an occasion I’ll never forget. Try as I might, I will never, ever forget that jerk-ass who penetrated me. He was sick. Not because of that, but what happened further down the road. Just sayin’ – don’t be an ass about it. She’ll never forget, and that’s on your head. Tread lightly young man; these things can have life-long repercussions.

So you want a virgin, but aren’t a virgin yourself?

I don’t feel like it’s right for you to make that judgment call when you yourself aren’t a virgin.

@washie I have great hope for you in that when you encounter criticism, instead of hardening your heart, you listen and are willing to examine yourself and see if your reason hold up. I wish more of us were able to do that. If we were, this would be a much more pleasant world in which to live.

Considering the general tone of this question, I think you should think long and hard if you do love this person for more than her hymen’s integrity or lack thereof.

What i’m basically reading is “Oh god, what if she had sex before meeting me? Nevermind that i did too, what if SHE did? That’s wrong! Women should be virgins until marriage! Nevermind that if they were i wouldn’t have fucked any, thereby making me a giant hypocite for even trying to have sex before marriage, it’s not my fault they accepted my avances!”

Dude, seriously fucked up double standards, rethink your relationship and possibly your outlook on women.

I am now beginning to feel irritated and annoyed by some of the responses posted lately guys. I am sure most have not read my posts after the question. Let me try to brief you on things I mentioned earlier:
* I laid down open my cards on the table for her from day one, so she knew I wasn’t a virgin before knowing my last name*
I wasn’t expecting and hoping that she was a virgin when i met her. I never cared and won’t care about virginity because I myself I am not
* She has got a terrible history (the guys she dated and hang around with), a thing I am sure she wrongly thought i gave a damn about. So I thought that fear could have made her lie about her virginity just to….*
My two fingers penetrating her vagina + no bleeding, fueled by a lie she once told me before to cover up for her boyfriend(which left me heartbroken) resulted in me doubting that she was actually a virgin. Main point: two finger incident + lack of bleeding…the doubt created WAS due to my lack of knowledge on the subject(hymen). Now i know,thanks for your hymen related responses.

With all that said: I am and have always been a greater lover. I never caused any heartbreaks. I don’t have double standards, but just simple. I have silently shed tears and fought many wars for this girl behind her back. None of my girlfriends liked her at all initially. Her history greatly bruised my reputation big time. I am the sheep here. Hahaha,look who is counting. The thing here is I just want a relationship based on honest and trust (no lies). Thats all.
So stop lecturing me on how I should live my love life, focus on the virginity thing only thats if you have anything else NEW to say. Thank you.

Well, I’m willing to bet that after your 500th time of having intercourse it won’t be a big deal any more. Grow up. Guilty of having not reading ALL of the posts. Somebody recap for me?