What can I do about my husbands addiction to the internet?

I was thinking that you were a teenage couple until I saw the ages. Has he always been like this? Apart from this, is relationship good?

Encourage him to pursue everything he is interested in.

Feed him so much of everything he wants… until he gets sick of it.

I know. It’s crazy isn’t it! Yes, he’s always gotten kind of obsessive about stuff. When he discovered Spider Solitaire 6 years ago it was almost the same thing. Hour after hour after hour playing Spider Solitaire.

What made our relationship good was the time we spent together. We’ve been married about 11 years, and just last year I told some friends that it was neat how we could just spend time talking. But for all intents and purposes he’s not there emotionally anymore and I hate it.

But we don’t do much of anything any more. We used to camp a lot but we haven’t been camping once this year. If we did he’d probably be on his fucking phone the whole time. We haven’t done ANYthing.

RealEyesRealLies….how do I do that when it comes to the internet?

Throttle him to within an inch of his life with a broad band :)

I’m thinking you have to come up with things to do with him. I’m on the computer way too much, but when my husband will give me his attention I am thrilled to be with him doing fun things. I don’t choose the computer over him most of the time, I choose the computer when he is doing his own thing. Some web time has interesting conversation on topics I don’t duscuss with him, like here on fluther, but everything else is just frivilous entertainment I can easily walk away from to be with him. When we are on vacation I almost never touch a computer.

My mom’s the same way, age 60, and I do think a lot of it is ‘being cool’ or feeling relevant with technology. Like @RealEyesRealizeRealLies, he’ll wear himself out with it eventually.

I have to admit, I think it’s very rude to ignore friends and family on a regular basis for internet time, even fluther.

This happened with my sister and her husband. But he was into gaming. He literately would come home and go straight to the garage with beer and game until he would pass out. We are talking gaming where he had a headset so he could talk to his “clan” and he also had a 200 dollar mouse and 800 dollar video card.

They divorced a year later. They have three kids so the divorce wasn’t taken lightly.

But they were 35 so your fate doesn’t need to match theirs.

Talking might be your best bet here. I would hope someone that is 62 would have some respect for people around him. Or you could run over the modem and router.

Wow. I’m sorry. That sounds intolerable.
Maybe you can remind him that a) Facebook is for old ladies, and b) Facebook isn’t interesting.
Seriously, though. I have heard of older people finding passions in technology at that age, but it was not simply using mindless games or Facebook. It would be one thing if he spent his waking hours learning mobile development, or Kahn academy or something.

I think it’s reasonable to set guidelines for what is acceptable behavior in certain situations. For example, if you have guest, the phone doesn’t make an appearance. Only do it on his time. If he has too much trouble handling these rules, he might need something more – like an ultimatum.

It IS very rude, and I’ve spoken to him about it. The Mother’s Day thing, for example. When I said something (later) he said, “You all disappeared and went on the computer!”
I said, “We were together. We were sharing things with each other. None of us disappeared into our own world to the exclusion of everyone else. You did, and it was rude.”
His only response is “It’s OK when you do it, but not when I do it?”

He used to answer his phone while we were watching TV and start having these loud conversations on the phone. I FINALLY convinced him THAT was rude, not only to me, but to the person on the other end who has to compete with the background noise, so now he goes outside or into another room to have his phone calls.

I don’t GET why people can’t see this stuff for themselves. I mean, if I were to go to a family thing and then curled up in a corner of the couch with a good book, it would be instantly recognized as anti-social and rude. But somehow people with cell phones can’t see it, even though it’s the exact same thing. What is up with that?

@tom_g Well, running away from home last Saturday made an impression. I’ll just keep doing that every Saturday. My daughter asked if I wanted to go camping that night with her and her friends. I said that was taking the boycott a little too far! But I will, damn it. If that’s the only way I can get to enjoy doing the things we used to enjoy doing together, then I’ll do it.

His grown daughter does it too. We were at the lake a few weeks ago and she was buried in her phone. Her boyfriend said, ”REALLY Susan?”
She looked up and blinked and said, “I’m playing Candy Crush!” like….what in the world is wrong with that?
He said, again, “REALLY?”
So she put it away. I asked my husband what he thought of that. He instantly said her boyfriend was right. “You wanna play on the phone you stay home.” He can’t seem to apply it to himself.

Can you set up some house rules that apply to everyone…without being too specific?

Or can you do some horse-trading?

Why is he trying to escape?

He’s doing this to avoid something – you? responsibilities? We aren’t there so we don’t know.

This is not the problem – this is a symptom of a different problem. Maybe this is a second childhood? Maybe he is feeling mortality setting in. hard to know.

But you will have to dig deeper than “this is a problem” – because it isn’t, by itself. Somehow you need to find out the underlying cause. Because without knowing that, you can’t address this symptom.

It’s only the two of us @gailcalled, but I am seriously considering posting something somewhere. None of my kids do that. If they did, I’d pull out a can of whoop-ass, Big Momma, don’t CARE if they’re in their 20’s and 30’s! But his daughter does it so I think a sign would be a good thing for if we have get togethers.

What kind of a sign I could put up for only him though? And what kind of horse trading?

@elbanditoroso No, no more of an underlying issue than a teenager has when they do it. I’m pretty sure he just has an addictive personality and he can be pretty damned selfish and insensitive—like a teenager.

He gets kind of obsessive about stuff anyway. He’ll go all gung ho on something for a while…and then just drop it completely. Like, for about a month he on was on a floor cleaning kick…He swept and mopped and vacuumed like mad, almost every single day (of course, if there was an area that he couldn’t get with a mop, like behind to toilet or in the corners, he’d just ignore it.) Then he quit. He hasn’t touched a broom in 4 months.

It’s just part of who he is. A negative facet to a strong willed, energetic personality.

Thank you for your suggestions guys! It’s SO frustrating.

Horse trading: “If you will agree to this, what would you like me to agree to?”

@elbanditoroso Do you think he’s found some friends that he may enjoy ‘chatting’ with or something?

@Windmill You snooped enough to know it’s definately games right?

”...recognized as anti-social and rude…”

Two different things. There is no crime to being anti-social. Rudeness is very subjective.

I don’t enjoy family gatherings. Not because I don’t like my family, but because I’d rather being doing other things. There is no crime in that.

My teenage son is off in his own world, doing what interests him with or without people he’s interested in. It used to bother me. But I’ve decided to let him pursue life the way he desires without any insistence that he satisfy me.

“Love is the ability and willingness to let those that you care for do what they want without any insistence that they satisfy you.”
Wayne Dyer, Erroneous Zones

I’ve also had much more satisfaction in life by ceasing to insist that other people behave the way I think they should. Instead of wanting them to be the right person, I’ve found much greater challenge and reward by attempting to make myself the right person. It’s amazing how that change of attitude has an unwitting affect on those around me. They seem to show more interest and care in my life, when they wouldn’t have otherwise.

I say go on that camping trip with your daughter. Enjoy life with those you can. I cannot see you looking back in five years thinking “Why did I do that?”… But I can imagine you asking yourself five years from now “Why DIDN’T I do that?”.

If you can’t be with the one you love… Honey… Love the one’s you’re with, love the one’s you’re with, love the one’s you’re with…

do do do do do do do do… do do do do do do do do… do do do do do do do do…

You have to figure out what you want and let him know.

It’s probably not really about the phone.

It’s probably about the things that aren’t getting done because his time is diverted. Do you feel connected? Do you feel loved? Do you crave more attention? Are you having enough sex? Is he relating to you on an emotional level? On a physical level? On a mental level? On a psychological level? On a spiritual level?

What are your needs that aren’t being met? Tell him. Tell him fully and lovingly.

Slamming doors and leaving for the day might make you feel better, but they won’t help you feel more connected to your husband. Please, before you build up more resentment, talk to him and tell him what you need that you are not getting. Give him space to think it over. Then make a plan. Together.

Dress up as one of the characters and join in. So at least you are together.

@KNOWITALL I set up his fb account! Yeah, I have double checked a couple of times, although I HATE doing it, and there is nothing suspicious there.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies You are saying he should be given the same leeway as a half grown, immature selfish teenager. I won’t do that. He’s an adult and I expect him to ACT like an adult. I expect him to show manners and maturity especially when is the HOST of a family gathering. ESPECIALLY when it’s HIS idea!

When it’s just us, I have learned to just deal with it. I do just ignore him if it’s just a regular work day evening. I watch TV and he plays on the phone. But it really sets my teeth on edge to look at him, so I don’t look at him.

@Cupcake, you are preaching logic. It will not work with him. My leaving for the day DID make an impression. It shocked him pretty bad because I’ve never done anything like that. He’s backed off quite a bit for the last 3 days, but only time will tell. And I WILL find another life without him if I have to. I just don’t want to.

They aren’t those kinds of games @talljasperman. They’re like Words With Friends and Spider Solitare. He spends a lot of time on sports websites too.

I haven’t read all the other answers, but I’m turning off my iPad now and going to go kiss my husband.

Also, @RealEyesRealizeRealLies He didn’t behave this way before he got his phone. He didn’t go to the computer after work and play Spider. He didn’t ignore visiting family members to go play Spider because that would be RUDE and he knows better.
I guess he thinks that because he’s around the people, it’s OK. Maybe that’s what all phone addicts think. As long as they’re there physically, they’re fine, not doing anything wrong.

@Judi I love my husband. I do. But I feel like I’m losing him.

I’m not addicted. I can stop any time I want to!

I don’t want to right now.

ok… answering now.

1. Why on earth did you have to be all passive-aggressive about breakfast? walking past him, slamming doors… I’d have ignored you, too.

Why not just say, “Hey, honey, do you want to help me make BLT’s or head to Joe’s Diner for biscuits and gravy?”

2. Several people have suggested ways you can discuss your concerns with your husband, and you’ve shot them all down. If you want to “escape” and hope he develops mind reading techniques while you’re out, that’s your business. However, I wouldn’t hold my breath. The man is 62 years old. If he wants to read blogs all day, IMO, that’s his prerogative.

1) Because he would have just ignored me the first time, gotten pissed the second time. So to hell with it. I left and went and did something that I really wanted to do. Without him. Which, as I said, is something I’ve never done before. I’ve never walked out and disappeared for a whole day.

2) The only person I’ve disagreed with is @ @RealEyesRealizeRealLies because he IS 62, not 16, and I won’t treat him like he’s 16.

I’m listening to everyone. A couple of times I asked for clarification on suggestions, but didn’t get it. It’s been suggested that I find things to do by myself. I would hate that, but I will. I’ll make all new friends if I have to.
I’m going to make signs, too, as someone suggested, although I think it’s really stupid. Not the idea of making signs, but the idea that we even HAVE to have signs up to remind grown-assed people how to behave is stupid.

And he knew exactly why I left. He didn’t have to read my mind. And it worked, at least for now. He didn’t get back on his phone but for a couple of minutes Saturday night. Sunday morning he only spent about 30 minutes on his phone, then voluntary put it down and we went to breakfast. We spent the entire day just riding around. That evening he only spent a few minutes on the phone, so it DID work. I’m just trying to think of some long term fix here. I don’t want to end up in some emotionless, disconnected marriage.

I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to have to drop hints and I don’t want to leave.

I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to have to drop hints and I don’t want to leave.

That leaves discussing the issues like adult long-term partners.

I’ve tried @gailcalled. I have tried.

“You are saying he should be given the same leeway as a half grown, immature selfish teenager. I won’t do that. He’s an adult and I expect him to ACT like an adult.”

I assure you, the son I was speaking of is everything but half grown, selfish, and immature. He’s the most together mature teen I’ve ever met. He “ACT’s” very adult, because I respect and treat him as one who is allowed to make their own decisions in life. If I insisted he be the person I expected, then he may turn out to be all the things you suspect.

Look @Windmill, I know this is bothersome and heartbreaking for you on so many levels. I understand that. All I can do, as a man, is hope the best for you and offer advice on how to deal with your man.

I sincerely recommend that you encourage whatever activity he finds interest in. I assure you he does not want to be treated as a child. I assure you that will push him faster and further away than any new found activity or behavior ever could. Consider letting him be.

My hopes are for your happiness.

It’s been proven to me time and time again, that relationships and the internet do not mix.

Thanks @RealEyesRealizeRealLies. For the most part, I do let him be. I tried to talk to him about it in the beginning, and it did not go well, so I just ignore it now. I try to see the bright side…I get to watch whatever I want on TV!
Sometimes though…it’s….I just want to scream. Not always, not any more, but sometimes.

I’m this person in my relationship with books and internet. I’m who I am and he married me knowing it, so he accepts it. If he feels too neglected he distracts me with talking or jokes, so I can’t concentrate. Do that, it’s super annoying to me…lol

I want to share with you a couple of insights @Windmill. But first understand that I am the most “pro family” person you’ll ever meet. I want your family to be happy and satisfied. I think that’s the most important thing for humanity. Really… I’m on your side!

Ok, this may sound goofy, but…

There comes a time in every man’s life that he feel the need to conquer something… other than a woman. “Getting the Girl” is a younger man’s game. But the older years are mixed with feelings of “What have I accomplished?” and “Why is the world changing so fast?”. A strange combination of feelings for an older dude to wrestle with.

Along comes the internet… and that seems to answer both questions. It IS the challenge he’s been looking for. One that his subconscious feels will allow him to keep pace with the world, and accomplish learning something new and bold at the same time.

Some dudes, it’s skiing. Some find carpentry. But so many men find the internet as the fix they need to feel like their keeping up. We’re taught from birth that the ones who lag behind are eaten by wolves you know.

Imagine his thrill if the woman in his life said… “You go baby! Go get em’!”

Silly yes. But life crisis comes to all men at some point. A yearning for youthful wanderlust overcomes us. We become consumed with anything that tickles that fancy.
__________

Next time you see him, ask if he’s seen the new Nokia 1020 smart phone with the 41 megapixel camera. “You could take the best family photos on FaceBook!” Haha…

Then engage him by asking what he thinks about it being a “Windows OS”. He’ll be shocked! And you can sit back and let him rant about the new mobile world he’s found. Just sit and listen, and enjoy the youthful man beaming out from the gray hair.

Turn this near tragedy into a positive experience for the both of you. Soon he will calm and not need to explore his fantasies so viciously. And he’ll look to you as the supporting pillar in his life that see’s his charm, even after making wrong turns.

All the best for you.

Thank you @RealEyesRealizeRealLies. I’ll try.

You have several times mentioned your observation that he basically has an addictive personality. I don’t know if that’s true or not since I don’t know him.

But IF that is true, here are a few observations, both positive and negative, fwiw.

Consider yourself extremely fortunate that his addictions of choice have, so far, been minimally destructive.

I mean, seriously think about it. What if he had been an alcoholic, drug addict, or addicted to gambling? Do you see what I’m getting at? I’m sure there are plenty of loved ones of gambling addicts who would gladly give their right arm to trade places with you. For them that would be heavenly. They might not be overly fond of how much time was being spent on the phone but that $25 would be a drop in the bucket compared to their past losses. It’s all a matter of perspective.

And, as is generally true for those with addictions of ANY type, if its not a problem for them, they have little motivation to change.

And denial, denial, denial is ever present. This is why an otherwise intelligent person doesn’t get it when you try to convince him how bad it is. I hope that clears it up sufficiently.

You have to get clarity for yourself as to what your bottom line is here. And then you need to decide what you are willing to do or not do. What can you live with and what are you not willing to live with?

From his modification of his phone behavior following your little tantrum , that is clear evidence that you do matter to him very much.

But you can’t keep on pitching childish fits whenever you get fed up. Sooner or later that stops working. Plus it solves nothing and just has you stooping to a childish level to solve an adult problem.

I think some combination of the advice given by both Gail and RealEyes is your best bet. But before doing any horse trading you need to be clear within yourself about what you want and what you’re willing to concede. Perhaps a few sessions with a therapist might be helpful in clarifying your priorities before you have a mature adult conversation with hubby.

I’m sure that you would like everything to return to how it was before he got fascinated with the mobile Internet. But that’s not reality. It won’t happen.

What CAN happen is a reasonable compromise so that both of you can feel fulfilled in your relationship. When he comes to realize how important this is to you, it’s likely he will be willing to make concessions on his part. But the lines must be clearly drawn or he still won’t get it.

But you’re the one who needs to be brutally honest with yourself in deciding upon your bottom line. Only then can you begin to negotiate some type of reasonable compromise.

Just for curiosity, about how long did it take him to get over his initial addictive obsession with Spider solitaire? Just curious.

And whatever you do, DO NOT let him know that there are solitaire apps available which would enable him to play it on his phone :)

Didn’t you do enough damage setting up his Facebook for him?

:D

I’m not making fun of your situation as I do realize that it distresses you greatly, but sometimes a little laughter helps. Especially in light of the fact that there are truly life threatening addictions out there just waiting for someone with an addictive personality. Perspective, perspective, perspective. It really truly could be so much worse (to depths unimaginable.)

So, count your blessings, draw your bottom line and do some good old fashioned horse trading so that you and your man can spend your remaining years loving and appreciating each other and making allowances for each others flaws and foibles. Isn’t that what marriage is all about?

Re “Didn’t you do enough damage setting up his Facebook for him?” No shit! Groan! And, he DOES play Spider on his phone.

So, do you think if there are enough consequences to his behavior, such as me getting another life, will be enough to change the situation? Is that what you guys mean by a “horse trade”? “If you get reasonable with the phone, we’ll get back to The Way We Were.”? I mean, I AM very flexible. I really had fun with my daughter last weekend. I can hang out with her instead. I just would rather be with my husband. But if he’s not available any more, well, I’ll go somewhere else.

Like Ron White said: “I’m a pretty good dog but if you don’t “pet” me every once in awhile…..it’s kinda hard to keep me under the porch!”

@Windmill , I meant that I spend to much time with my face in the device and he resents it. That’s why I turned off my iPad. You said what he (my hubby) probably feels.

Oh! Well, glad I could help @Judi!

It sounds as if perhaps your hubby is obsessive/compulsive, the way you described his floor cleaning habits (as just one example among the others). I think a few sessions with a therapist might help, but first I would try just telling him, with phones off, what is bothering you in a clear, level headed manner. I might suggest if you guys could have some “no internet, no phones” time, or limited internet and phone checking time. For example, “after dinner, can we minimize the phone and internet time?” Whatever you guys agree on. “Honey, on weekends, can we have minimum time on the phone?” “Honey, do you think in about an hour, we can put the phone away and go out?” “Baby, I’d like to spend the afternoon with you in the coffee shop, and I’d like it to be just us, without phones.”

Also, just my opinion, when visiting someone, it’s very rude to have your face in a phone, so I would clarify that, also. Tell him it’s very upsetting to you and you don’t mind the computer or the phone, but just not hours and hours of it. Tell him it’s upsetting you to the point where you are considering therapy, and if you go, you’d like him to go, as well.

Another option is to show him who you are on Fluther and let him see the responses, and let that be the start of a discussion. Perhaps he wants to chime in on the discussion here?

He’s an adult. You’re an adult.

How about a face to face conversation about how you’d prefer together time to be?

”Dear, I love having a quiet breakfast with you out on the deck. What if we leave our phones down for meals together? Would you have any objections to that? What is your favorite way of us sharing moments together?”

@jca, your suggestion (show hubbie Fluther) is not going to work. He’ll throw that right back in her face. “you have your online world, Windmill, so I have mine” is what he would retort.

@SpatzieLover and others have the best approach.

I’ve already explained @SpatzieLover, it won’t work. If I say anything he’ll come back with “It’s OK for you to be on the internet, but not me???” If I try to explain that it isn’t the same, that I’m not on it with the same frequency and the same intensity he’ll spin it off into I’m a hypocrite.
Exactly what @elbanditoroso said. Never mind that I’ve had my internet world for the last 7 years, and this is his first introduction, but with me it never caused issues because I’ve controlled it. I was off for weeks at a time if need be. I didn’t throw him over for it. Not the way he’s thrown me over. But he won’t see it that way. He’ll just yell.

@SpatzieLover To reiterate, I have TRIED an adult conversation, several months ago. It went bad. The only thing that seemed to get through was when I physically left him left him last Saturday. Actually, he left first. I left later. But for him it was a shock I was not available when HE was finally ready to go do something. It was a shock that I wasn’t HOME when he got there. It was a shock I went and did something that I really enjoyed, without him.

I think you have trouble listening @Windmill. You need to open dialogue about how you both like to spend time together without involving any technology…..that includes your technology.

Several months ago??? That’s a long time to fester.

You’ve tried to have this conversation when your upset, or when you’re calm?
Have you tried discussing setting up “dates”?
Have you attempted conversing about creating more quality together time?

Before or after sex, is a good quality alone time scenario to have an open dialogue regarding building more togetherness and cohesiveness.

“Open a dialogue.” That’s good.
I only spend time on “my” technology when he is at work or otherwise occupied. By that I mean, he went and got otherwise occupied so I jump on FaceBook for a bit. I don’t mean he went and got occupied BECAUSE I was on FaceBook.
Yes, several months ago. As I said, this has been going on for about 10 months. I spent 3 months waiting for him to chill, because I know how alluring it could be. I finally tried to “open a dialogue,” and it turned into “Your a hypocrite.” I guess he doesn’t see the difference between me checking my FaceBook during a commercial break, and him spending the entire movie we’re supposed to be watching on FaceBook instead.

As I said, for the most part, I’ve adapted. I just watch TV without comment, but now that it’s breaking into our REALLY time together, the weekends, I’m ready to put my foot down. If I do it verbally, well, he’s bigger and stronger and yells a lot louder so as far as he’s concerned, he wins. I have to find another way.

“What can I do about my husband’s addiction to the internet?”
was your original question.

You have gotten many reasonable suggestions, often overlapping. You have then explained (over and over) why no solution is possible.

How about hitting him over the head with a large rubber mallet when he really irritates you?

That’s all I got.

To me, it sounds like you’re using his use of technology as the scapegoat for the real issue in your relationship....communication breakdown.

I have considered the thoughts and opinions of people who have posted here. You’d have to read the whole thread to see that @gailcalled. You can’t just take a bit of it and come to a conclusion based on select posts that you’ve read. I am continuing to consider them. I need to cogitate for a bit to figure out how to fit it all in to my particular situation.
Yes, communication breakdown is an issue, @SpatzieLover, but more like…I have to figure out a way to get through to him other than mere conversation because it doesn’t work like the theory says it should. “Meaningful dialogue” is a 70’s term, back when we all got “enlightened.” He came up through the 50’s and 60’s and all that entails.
Well, anyway, I’m signing off. He’s been in Dallas and is due to arrive home pretty quick. It’s been a momentous day, and he’ll want to talk for an hour, and then we’ll see if my “temper tantrum” on Saturday (I admit, that’s what it was) is still having the desired effect. Nothing else has seemed to work.

Thank you all. I’ll let you know.

I will toss in some perspective here. In 2004 I got way into the internet. This wasn’t Facebook and people I know. It was Slashdot and people I hated. Addictive, nonetheless.

I was damn near was kicked out of school for the addiction.

@Windmill: For the record, I did read the whole thread and not just some select posts

It seems like all of the suggestions are things he definitely won’t listen to, according to what you write. I would think, then, that therapy would be a good idea for you to clarify some options, and understand your feelings.

To me, if I were to tell him clearly something that upset me and what I wanted to see happen (more time without devices), and the result would be that he would just yell, that would not be acceptable. Leaving the house constantly to make a point does not seem like a practical way to handle a dispute.

The bottom line is, IMHO, if he does not seem to understand or take seriously his wife telling him something upsets her, and at least be willing to have a calm discussion about it, it does not say much about him or about his attitude toward his marriage.

He gets angry because his logic is the very fact that I even HAVE any online accounts, like here and on facebook (even if I never used them,) makes me a hypocrite for “criticizing” his usage.

I wouldn’t be leaving the house to “make a point.” I’d be leaving because I don’t want to sit there, bored out of my mind, watching him play on the internet. I would leave to go have some kind of a life. It would be a consequence of his addition.

Update….he didn’t get on the internet but for just a few minutes last night. :)

Thank you everyone.

Just so you know, if he’s anything like me, he KNOWS there is a problem and when he lashes out when you bring it up its because he’s angry with himself.
I hope he gets a handle on it. I am doing much better when I’m in my husbands presence. (I just now stopped when he walked into the room) but I know I spend way to much time here and on Facebook.
Before we got married 23 years ago he told me one of the reasons his first marriage failed was because his wife always had her nose in a book and didn’t have time for him. I don’t want to be like that. (Only with the Internet.)

In my opinion, the yelling is a tactic to get the person to totally back off and be intimidated and stop the nagging. It’s way better for the person to be self motivated than to be nagged.

Thing is, with the exception of last Saturday, I don’t yell about it. I quit mentioning it at all a long time ago. The only thing I ever really said was about a month into it, when we were “watching” a movie (and he was surfing) it I said, “Boy, wouldn’t I be in trouble if I was doing what you’re doing.”
He yelled. I didn’t bring it up again until the other day.

I honestly don’t nag, I don’t yell about much of anything. I just let there be consequences. For example, he used to have this habit of taking the last of the milk and setting the empty jug on the counter instead of throwing it away. I don’t say anything. I just leave it there, rotting. It sat for a week before he through it out. After a couple of times of that, he finally started throwing it away right away.

The few times I’ve brought the phone thing up, I’ve brought it up in the context of what “other people” are doing. Like, when we were at the lake and his daughter had her nose buried in the phone and her boyfriend clocked her. I asked him if he thought he was right to do that, and he said he did. I said, “Yeah, it’s really rude to ignore people like that.”
He said, “Yes, it is.”

That’s my MO. Pretty low key. That’s why last Saturday shocked him.

@Windmill: I think some of the tactics (consequences) are known as “passive-aggressive” as in the example of you leaving the milk container on the counter.

Nothing wrong with that. It works. No yelling, no nagging, no arguing, no bad vibes, nothing. I just leave it there.

What he is doing is passive-aggressive and what you are doing is passive aggressive.

Well, if he’s doing it to be a passive aggressive, he’s probably trying to get a rise from me. So should I let him? I’m in control of my own reactions, not him. But are you saying it would be better for me to say, “Would you please throw the milk jug out?” He will respond angrily, slam it into the trash, mumbling under his breath “How hard is THAT?” or something, then sulk for an hour. And then he’ll do it again the next time. And the next time, because he got a rise from me! It would be a never ending, angry cycle. (I sometimes wonder if he ENJOYS being angry…is that possible?) But would that scenerio be better @jca?

He does not respond well to any suggestion of criticism, no matter how mildly it’s put. Passive aggressive works with him, and it works peacefully. He chooses not to take two steps to the trash to throw it away so he sets it on the counter. It’s not going to throw itself away, so the fact that it’s sitting there, rotting and swelling is a direct consequence of his own actions, and it has nothing to do with me. I’m not even angry about it. I’m just not a maid and I’m not his mother and I refuse to be treated as one.

BTW, I said he “USED” to have that habit. He hasn’t done it in quite a while now. Maybe because absolutely nothing happened when he did it.

The gods forbid anyone in this situation address their grievances like educated adults.

I know @Seek_Kolinahr. It really isn’t me. I’ve always been one to clear the air, to talk rationally. He just doesn’t react well to that at all, no matter how nicely or calmly it’s put, so I’ve had to learn a different way and that DOES work.

You’re either going to love or hate this latest little tidbit of news.

Apparently your hubby isn’t the only one who’s a bit too preoccupied with his phone. Senator John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings regarding what to do about Syria.

No wonder our country is going to hell in a hand basket :)

Read all about it:
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/sep/04/john-mccain-poker-iphone-syria-debate
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And here’s the photo:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/10285544/Poker-faced-John-McCain-caught-playing-on-smartphone-during-Senates-Syria-hearing.html
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There are times when a picture really is worth a thousand words.

Passive aggressive tactics prolong the problems, as they don’t address them directly. (“I’m just going to play my game whether she likes it or not.” “I’m just going out and he can miss me and he’ll wonder where I am.” “I’m just going to leave the container on the counter for a week and let it smell and really show him!”)

“I’m just going to walk through the room for three hours and wonder why he isn’t taking me out to breakfast.”

“I’m gonna wash that man right outta my hair…”

Day five. Still much better. He’s checking his phone occasionally, but he’s not on it CONSTANTLY. So far so good.

Until the next time when you will have to invent another unpleasant and nerve-wracking piece of behavior.; if you never talk to each othe as as loving partners, you will never talk to each other as loving partners and this behavior will continue.

It must be hard to get out of bed and anticipate what the day will bring, domestically.

edit; the whole slopping typing thing.

….if you never talk to each other as loving..

Can’t berate someone for what is, @gailcalled. You can’t scream at someone that their S/O “NEEDS TO BE TALKING INSTEAD OF YELLING!” I know that, but he’s the one who has to be willing to change, and just beating that into MY head won’t make it happen! It won’t make him change! I know what I would like, but it’s just part of the give and take of a relationship and I’ve learned to adapt in a way that works for me.

Other aspects of our relationship are good, some aspects are awesome (and I’m not referring to sex. I’m referring to interactions otherwise.)

And no. I don’t wake up each morning dreading (if that’s what you meant) the day will bring, domestically. That’s a judgmental assumption.

Four beds ready to treat Internet addicts

If you can’t bring up something that upsets you without getting screamed at, then your problems are greater than his addiction to the internet. Just my opinion.

I know that @jca, but I’ve managed to work around that so most problems do get resolved peacefully.

I am wondering why this question was asked, when you seem to not be open to the suggestions given, but have started utilizing your own way and had prior to asking. Other than that, you do not seem very receptive to suggestions, @Windmill. (and no, I am not referring to my most recent post, I am referring to the entire thread)

I didn’t know if it was going to actually work forever, @jca. I posted this the day after I stormed out, and I really had no idea if it was going to have an impact at all. However, as of today, again, he isn’t as engrossed, so maybe it will.

I’m not closed to suggestions, but so far they have all been “Just talk to him rationally, adult to adult.” And when I said, “But that won’t work,” I got “Boy, do you have problems!!” I wish I could talk to him adult to adult, but I can’t. I just needed something a little more creative.

I listened closely to folks who said, “Get your own life outside of him.” I guess that would of been my next step if he didn’t chill, but the thought of it sure made me sad.

~You can accidently flip the power to the breaker and spend some time together.
~Or you can email him…as yourself or as a steamy jailbait with no photo…
~Maybe he will have an affair with you.

Maybe find a game you both enjoy, and start playing that together. The key is moderation. Tell him, we can spend 2 hours playing together on Saturday, and an hour through the week, but on Sunday, no games. Take Sunday to spend the day together, maybe a trip to the lake, or a nice hike. Be sure he leaves his phone in the car though, heh.