NSFW- Just how much of a marital duty is intercourse?

Ignoring the partner’s needs adds risk to any relationship. Travel that road at your own risk.

It is not a duty.

It’s not an obligation, it is a mutually shared joy. And any large discrepancy in desire is something to be overcome together, or the marriage won’t last very long.

Thinking of sex as a duty makes the act of having sex with your partner seem like work. “Well, I’ve got to go to the grocery store, do the laundry, cook dinner, have sex with my husband…”

Having sex with your partner isn’t a duty of marriage at all. There are some married people that don’t have sex or don’t have sex very often. It all depends on the couple.

My husband has a much higher libido than I do. He’d be more than willing to have sex every day. I, quite honestly, could do without it altogether. I struggle with trying not to think of it as a chore. We make it work, but there are times when we’re both frustrated about it. It’s all about compromise and communication. I read somewhere that men need sex three times a week. If that’s true, my husband is in trouble.

In my estimation when it comes to “duties”, the ones that need to be upheld are the vows made on one’s wedding day. (unless both parties completely agree to something of the contrary later on)
I don’t believe “I have promise to fulfill your sexual needs” is in the wedding vows.

Of course sex is generally a part of marriage . But there are exceptions and the needs of both spouses should be taken into consideration.

Holy fuck. There should be a giant headboard that comes with the marriage license that says Sex, Intercourse, or whatever you want to call it, is never a duty. It should be a mutually shared pleasure.

And can you ditch the NSFW? This should be in Relationships 101. After I unloaded the f word.:)

Laughingly known as conjugal rights, makes humping cold & calculated, everything it shouldn’t be.
“oh darling, I believe you owe me a blowjob, suck or i’ll sue!”

Once it becomes a “duty”, isn’t the marriage just about over anyway?
I understand that some people don’t have much of a sex drive, but it still seems kind of harsh to call it a duty.
That being said, my sex drive is much higher than my fiancés. I hope he doesn’t think it’s a chore to put out once in a while. lol

Shit. This has really got me thinking!

@Katniss Sometimes it isn’t the drive so much as the comfort level. Just keep the lines of communication open. That’s probably the key to all relationships. Tell each other what you want and like.

A woman receives a large bouquet at work one friday afternoon.
Surprised, the whole office comes over and stands around her desk as she opens the card to find out who they are from.
She opens the card and says “They’re from my husband. Great, now I will have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air”.
“Why?” asked one of her co-workers, “Don’t you have a vase?”

@rojo Nice. Did you work for FTD in a past life?

Nope @Adirondackwannabe it was a small start-up called STD Florists. Didn’t make it for some reason.

I guess I disagree with most here, I think it is as much a duty as communication or honesty. There needs to be an understanding, even if that’s a compromise so everyone is on the same page. You’re not going to be on the same page with anyone at every point in your life for 30+ years, lives change, so sometimes it’s going to seem like a chore. That’s OK, your partner is worth it and hopefully will do the same for you to meet you in the middle. Put it on the list right next to grocery shopping and taking the trash out if you need to, it’s no less important.

The alternative is one partner unhappy and often flailing for attention and love, while the other generally knows what’s going on but doesn’t want to force anything. I think this leads to a lot of folks questioning if the relationship is “right” and shutting down.

Lives are too busy so it’s not the act that is a chore, it’s putting all the other duties on hold long enough to be with the one you love. Let’s be honest, no one gets to the end of the year and thinks “you know, my life would be a lot better if I spent less time having sex with the one I love”...

Not a duty..OMG, gag me with a….well…just gag me with archaic beliefs! Pfft!
Sexuality is always voluntary and if you cross the line into duty, obligation etc. you are prostituting yourself against your own will.

@Coloma, you can get that gag reflex under control, Practice!...Practice!...Practice!

and, I would lose the mustache.

^^^^ Hey…I’ll have you know I am famous for my mustache technique! lol

I never think of my marital duties but sex is important to me and we communicate about it all the time. I have a higher sex drive so I initiate it more.

I’m thinking of filing a lawsuit against my wifes employer for alienation of affection. Work her like a dog from 7 ‘till 6:30 and for some reason she does not feel amorous in the evenings.

Yikes this is why I think marriages are screwy.

In ltrs I have usually been on ice for way too long and the newness and trying things out learning about each other its great.

And then later I can be sporadic depending on schedule and just chemistry. But if he comes on to me I think well isn’t it great to be wanted and to have a partner. Even if I am not in the mood. If I open myself up then I almost always am grateful for it later.

As far as my partner saying no. Well luckily I don’t have to deal with that too much but honestly unless there is a really good reason I get snippy a little and if he is there I will masturbate in front of him or send him text messages that are full of double entendres.

I don’t think I would handle rejection very well. Marriage is too cutthroat for me

@funkdaddy I can take out the trash, go grocery shopping, clean house etc etc while not feeling like doing it at all. But sex to me is a sharing of oneself and a type of communication. I would never want it to seem like a chore on my side or my partner’s. I’d rather go without than become an item on a list.

Daddy always gave this advice in choosing a mate, “Son, cookin’ lasts. Fuckin’ don’t.”

I was raised to think that sex is love & affection but that duty to your man’s needs is important.

“your man’s needs”

…that put a sour taste in my mouth.

@livelaughlove21 Swallow faster.~

@livelaughlove21 Sorry. You get a free shot at me.

@Adirondackwannabe All in good time. ;)

@livelaughlove21 Okay. You’re a good sport. I know it’ll be worth it. :)

“Duty, intercourse, oblige?”

Eeuuuuurgh. I would bolt from that relationship so fucking fast. “Obliging” someone else’s libido, when you’re not interested in sex with that person- the thought of that is skin-crawlingly gross. And a partner who would pressure you for “marital duties”- barf.

So, obviously there’s a lot of buildup and history regarding sex for people. What if it was any other subject, would you all feel the same?

I don’t understand how someone who has a) decided they want a monogamous relationship and b) has decided they don’t want a sexual relationship or want it exclusively on their terms is any different than someone who makes a decision for both partners in any other area of the relationship.

If I suddenly decided that I didn’t want a wife that worked outside the home, that would seem archaic and I’m pretty sure wouldn’t find broad support here. Regardless of my upbringing, regardless of my culture.

If my wife and I decided that together, that would be a different story. But if it was a mandate from me, I’d hope she’d laugh in my face, and start the discussion from there.

If I decided I was moving to Pittsburgh, or loved cocaine, or wasn’t going to work any more, those would all be “my decisions”, but I gave up that kind of autonomy when I married someone. Now I would need to make those things work within the framework of our relationship if I really wanted them.

Why is this different? We all have “marital duties” and responsibilities in our life, we all oblige others everywhere we go for people we claim to care about a lot less. Opting out of sex is definitely keeping control of your own body, but if you love and support the other half of your relationship, shouldn’t that include the sexual portion of them?

IMO “for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health”
are what really matter. it all goes back to that.

@funkdaddy You nailed it.