Have you ever had a doctor give up on you or someone you know?

This is inconceivable to me – she was sent home, and her GP wants to drop her as a patient? I’ve never heard of such a thing. I hope you can find her another doctor.

He doesn’t want to drop her, he’s just given up any hope that she’ll come through and be better. He told my dad the same thing a few months ago, but he was wrong. After some persistence thanks to my dad, my mother’s neurosurgeon discovered that she had fluid on her brain. A shunt was placed and she recovered (miraculously) in a few weeks. She finished therapy and was sent home. Then she became ill two days later and she’s back in the hospital and no one knows what is wrong. Her GP is once again saying he doesn’t have much hope for her.

I’m so sorry this is happening. Is her GP going to the hospital to see her or is the hospitalist seeing her?

If a doctor, that you pay and trust, says it’s over then you have a choice. Believe it, or not. If you do not believe it, hire another doctor.
I am not really sure why a doctor would lie to you, but if you think the doctor is lying, find another one. There are thousands of doctors out there.
Probably too many.
A doctor told me and my dad that my mom was dying and nothing would change that. It was tough to hear and accept. She died that night. He was right.

@chyna He visits at the hospital.

You can ask for a second opinion from the hospitalist. I know the group I work with would be totally honest, but kind and compationate. (Well, except for one).

Oh, goodness. :(

If he doesn’t know what’s wrong with her, I’d be asking for a second opinion. She was doing so well, so recently, it seems a shame to just assume it’s her time to go.

As a society we spend 90% of a person’s lifetime healthcare expenses on the final year of their life (on average). Many doctors do the exact opposite of your doctor, which is to prolong someone’s life even when there is little to no chance of a cure. For example, many terminal cancer patients are given chemotherapy, admitted to intensive care units for indefinite stays, or given strong antibiotics to cure infections, when there is no chance of curing the underlying disease. It is a lot easier for a doctor to acquiesce to patient and family demands to “do something” than it is to explain how there is little more that can be done and that allowing a patient to die with dignity is the compassionate thing to do.

You want a good tip: Get to be friends with the nurses. They know what’s going on. I went to school with a guy that now supervises the nurses. Guess how took really good care of my mother recently.

Yes, I had a doctor give up on me. When I had H1N1 complications for 11 months that mimicked the symptoms of Mono, my doctor, for some reason, didn’t listen and prescribed Concerta… he never asked about my home life (bad marriage), never considered whether depression might be a factor, and just slap-prescribed. If you read the warnings, Concerta should NOT be given to people suspected of having depression or anything in that family of disorders.

I did become suicidal until my sister screamed at me to get off Concerta and it was like a fog lifted. I changed doctors that week.

Doctors told us my aunt was dying. That she was failing to thrive. Everyone had me believing she would die within a few weeks to a couple of months. We discussed putting her on the palliative floor during her few weeks in the hospital, but then she transferred to a nursing home, where she was miserable, and about ten days later she went back home. I still thought she was dying though from what all the medical professionals, including my nurse sister said. That was two years ago. She lives at home has some help during the day. I wouldn’t say her doctors gave up necessarily; they still treated her. They never recommended to stop treatment or trying.

However, I have very mixed feelings about my aunt still being alive. She is one of my favorite people in the world. She has a lot of pain every day. She’s lonely and bored too often. She has very little joy. She probably would have died if not so much had been done for her.

If your mom has a will to live, wants to live, then try to find another doctor, a geriatric doctor. My advice is focus on what your mom wants. Make sure she isn’t staying alive because she feels the burden from those around her.

Don’t believe the Doctor. Believe in your mother. My mother was severely brain damaged after a brain op. The prognosis was very poor. She could not walk, talk or even eat for herself.My dad was like a soldier he forced her to walk then he screamed at her until she spoke correctly. I know this sounds harsh but that was their dynamic.

My mom although not perfect and not like she was before, ended up walking, talking, eating her food, making jokes and still being with us 10 years later. In fact she saw my dad go first.

Be realistic though, I mean she might not be perfect but she WILL have some quality of life.

Find not only another doctor, but also try diet and alternative therapies. Make her smile, make her feel at home. Get her involved no matter how feeble. The human spirit defies all medical reports. So does love and determination.

Thank you @LornaLove. My mother left the rehab unit of the hospital less than two weeks ago. She successfully finished her rehab and was walking with a walker and talking and starting to eat again. She went home and then ended up back in the hospital two days later with a bladder infection and she was dehydrated. She couldn’t eat or drink anything because it hurt her throat and she was gagging every time she tried to eat. She wants to eat but the food they give her at the hospital is dry and she’s tired of mashed potatoes. Her doctor is recommending hospice care and it doesn’t make sense. She’s having trouble eating. That’s all. She’s tired and lethargic and not coherent at times because she’s not getting the nutrition she needs, not because she wants to give up. This is so frustrating.

@jonsblond Oh I know, my mom had a broken hip (she fell off the toilet), she had constant mini seizures, TA’s, she got aggressive and wanted to bash us but we dealt with each thing one by one. I never once heard a doctor say she was a write off. But, I do recall a woman who owned a hospice saying she would be better off there (that was when she was hopeless). The women of course stood to earn a good few thousand a month for the care. I did notice that all her patients although well cared for, were bed-ridden, helpless, spoon fed and looked like they were ready to kick the bucket.

I felt like we had a mountain to climb with my mom. But, we did it. She was such fun, and even though brain damaged we learned to all laugh even her. I had a mom for an extra ten years. I didn’t listen to the ‘shit’ doctors were hinting at or other people who were in it for the money.

She was my mom, full stop and if she had us, jokes and a hint of a normal life and she was there for the party.

I never forget one visit to a brain ward, they asked her if she would like a drink, she said only if there is a swivel stick in it!!

@jonsblond: What about “Ensure” and IV hydration?

Ensure

More info

Hospice care isn’t giving up. Hospice care is providing comfort to the patient and family towards the end of life.

Two weeks ago her doctors were amazed at how well she was doing, @Rarebear. There was no talk about end of life. She was well enough to go home after 5 months of hospitals and nursing homes. She’s now having difficulty eating and that means she’s ready to die? Something isn’t right. She’s not ready to give up.

@jonsblond Has your mother lost her will to live with all of her complications and issues?
Perhaps the doctor is, as @Quakwatch mentioned, just giving his honest opinion rather than “giving up.”
My father-in-law is dying of bone cancer now, after a 21 year, on & off battle with prostate cancer. His doctors just referred him to hospice a week ago as they all concur, there is nothing else to be done.
He is still at home, on heavy medications, but it is the end, soon.

I am sorry for all your suffering but perhaps it is time to accept the inevitable.
Doctors are only human, and sometimes we are not ready to hear what is too hard to cope with.

Please read my last response. She does not want to give up. We know this for sure. She wants to know what is wrong and why she can’t be at home.

Sherbet, milkshakes, pureed vegetable soups, various organic juices, gelato. I would think that finding her nutritious and palatable food and drink would be fairly straightforward.

Is there family nearby who can do some cooking and toting?

As a general rule of thumb, I tell people that it takes as long to recover from a prolonged illness as the illness lasted. So, if someone was hospitalized for 3 months, it will take at least 3 months to recover. People that are weak and deconditioned also then can suffer additional set-backs, like bed sores, urinary tract infections, blood clots, pulmonary embolisms, aspiration pneumonias, etc. It is a long road to recovery, and if someone is already debilitated, their reserve is very low, and new “insults” like a UTI can produce outsized consequences.

My two aunts and two of my sisters, @gailcalled. Thank you.

@Quakwatch Do you know how long it would take for someone to get used to eating again after 5 months of needing a feeding tube?

Loosely scrambled eggs with cottage cheese and then put in the blender, junket, various home-made egg custards or flans, rice pudding (cook the rice to a fare-thee-well), very runny cream of wheat, really oversoaked and mushy french toast.

That could easily take a long time. I assume that she had a speech pathologist perform a swallow evaluation prior to being allowed to eat solid foods. If she is having major swallowing difficulties, then that would lead to aspiration (i.e. food going down the wrong pipe) on a regular basis.

@jonsblond Is your mom able to speak for herself to the doctor? I ask, because if she is voicing wanting to get better to the doctor, or saying she is willing to keep going and trying even if it means she will endure set backs and have a difficult road, which includes some loss of body function (like being able to eat or whatever else she might be battling) then maybe the doctor will quit the giving up talk. Doctors see a lot of family members pushing for treatment when the sick person might prefer to stop fighting. He may be assuming the wrong thing about your mom. My dad would want to keep going as long as possible, my mom would want to die sooner rather than later. I don’t see how a doctor could guess something like that unless it was communicated to him, and best if it is by the patient themselves. Does your mom have a living will?

It sounds to me like the doctor did not diagnose what was wrong with her regarding needing the shunt, so that was just a failure to diagnose or failure to pass her on to a specialist.

Suggesting hospice is just him trying to give your mom and the family support at end of life of he believes she is in her last six months. He could be wrong of course. I do know people who outlive hospice care, but it is rare. Does he still feel she is a candidate for hospice, even after the shunt and her recovery? Did he handle that well? Handle another doctor finding the problem and giving her a shunt? Was he glad something “miraculous” could be done? Or, was his ego bruised?

The question that comes into my mind now is, has your mom been with this doctor a long time and overall trusts him?

Two words, hippocratic oath.

@jonsblond I hope you can get to the bottom of these issues. I am sure it is very frustrating.
I wish you all the best in trying to untangle these health problems with your beloved mother. :-)

I’ve known doctors to drop patients, even long term ones, when they become non compliant with medication or therapy. I mean really why bother in that case?

Actually a doctor giving up on your loved one can be better than the alternative @jonsblond. We had one doctor want to perform surgery on my grandfather (gallbladderectomy) though he was dying of heart failure. :/

Doctors giving up can be a blessing in disguise. You and your family now know this doctor does not hold the same medical opinion and no longer has the same interests you or your mother have.

You can seek advice from a social worker. We had a lot of help getting my aunt proper medical care through a social worker. He/she can then help you fight for services and therapies that should be being offered to your mom for recovery.