Would you have a birthday party for your child, but only let a handful of the guests spend the night?

I can understand not wanting to host a giant slumber party, but I’d go with everybody or nobody..

Maybe if they had some other connection. If they were cousins, for example.

It’s horrible. Of course your daughter is upset. I guess maybe if the girl had been only allowed a few friends for a slumber party (with no pre-party) your daughter would not have been able to go to the party at all and still feel left out if she found out about it. However, I still think it is worse to basically be asked to leave when a few handpicked girls are going to be staying. Even some adults would feel hurt I think.

I could understand allowing one “best friend” to sleep over after the party but having four and not all seems mean.

~ now I feel left out..

I wanted to take a environmental science class in university with all my diminishing friends were in.
I was put on the waiting list and I walked out and stated to cry until I got dizzy, and the math professor found me half passed out and he took me to the hospital. I know what it feels like to be left out, but I don’t have a solution parties always happen and classes have to be restricted. Only a change of venue to hold more people might work.

Also a girl I had a crush on my friend from OAS society. They went on a field trip and someone else asked her out… then they got married 2 years later… Totally bogus I couldn’t afford to go on the trip. I wanted to ask her out.

Did you know when you dropped your kid off… or did you just find out when you picked her up in tears?

Seems shitty to me. Have a completely separate sleep over. Or just pass out rankings to the little kids, for goodness sakes.~

Being a nerd, I look at this from a logistical standpoint. First, liability; How many kids can I handle if there’s a crisis? Secondly, financially; do I really want to feed the neighborhood? Thirdly, personally; How well do I know the other parents and would they be readily available if I needed them for something? Frankly, I have a “no more than 2 extra” rule in my house and sleepovers are limited to but 1. Also, being a nerd, I also have waivers that need to be signed or little Timmy goes back to his own house.

@DWW25921 But don’t you think the situation was handled badly? If you can only handle a few kids, do it on another night. Don’t send kids home that know others get to spend the night. That is cruel and hurts feelings.
I think I would have to say something to the parents. Either they are stupid and didn’t realize what they did, or don’t care. Either way, they need to know how they hurt other kids feelings.

Awwwww :0( That poor little sweetheart. I feel so bad for her.
I really never understood that whole concept. Everybody should sleep over, or nobody should.
I think it’s mean and the parents should know better!

@chyna I agree it could have been handled differently. Personally, I would have sent everyone home but that’s just me. Kids like messing with my video games… Meh…

I can understand that only a few special friends would be invited to spend the night, but I think the children should have been instructed not to talk about it. I can’t imagine riding herd over a pack of 10 or more little girls all night.

This is an AFOG (A fucking opportunity for growth) for your daughter. One does not always get chosen. Sadly, it is a lesson almost all of us learn at some point in our lives. How about letting your daughter have her own sleepover as compensation?

I think the birthday party and the slumber party ought to have been separate events, at least a few weeks apart, so there’d be no sense that the party guests had been ranked as first-class and second-class friends.

Kids can’t be expected to keep such things to themselves, and having the select few lording it over the others with the privilege and the secret would only make it worse.

I would have had the party one night and the slumber party another night. Either the parents weren’t thinking or they are the type that get off on snubbing other people. There ARE people like that.

@keobooks You’re so right. It’s just so cruel to do that to a child though.

There are parents who train their kids to snub other kids really young. It’s very cruel to do to a child, but if you think it’s important that your kid is “popular” or whatever they think they are teaching, you’ll feel more than justified.

I remember listening to this mother talk about this once. She said that her son had five friends and she deliberately made him only choose three friends to come over for some event at their house. He had a hard time “ranking” his friends on his own and his mom coached him on what qualities were better in friends.

Another mom said she thought this was not a good idea and this mom said “He’s got to learn that some people are not going to be popular when they get older. Better he cut ties now so they don’t drag him down.”

I was in shock. I haven’t heard other parents say things quite so brassy, but I’ve heard things that were leading in this direction.

There IS a chance these parents are just clueless and didn’t think. But I’ve heard parents do this on purpose. They think they are grooming their kids to be Queen Bees. (Or whatever the male equivalent is)

Your daughter may never forget this, but she may need to be reminded of it if the situation arises again with other people. Kids don’t think of the practical side of having fewer people. The parents who thought this up should be reminded that they have to consider the feelings of all the kids involved. Poor planning. Poor social sense.

@keobooks I was just telling my husband that I couldn’t believe this parent would do this. She’s the sweetest and most easy going parent of all the parents I’ve met. She’s worse than I am, and I thought I was the Queen of Doormats before I met her. I know she doesn’t get off on snubbing, so this has to be a case of trying to please her daughter everyone, just not thinking?

Yeah, most likely. If she’s like how you describe, she probably didn’t want the slumber party, but felt like she couldn’t say no. And she felt pressured to keep it small and just didn’t think.

It showed very poor judgment and a mean spirit or, as you mentioned, a complete lack of thought.

However, it is a good time to help Emily understand that there will always be moments in everyone’s life when he or she will be treated unfairly.

@gailcalled . . . I already teach her that by randomly killing her pet goldfish.

many were gut wrenchingly innocent but some of them, well, some of them had it coming.

@keobooks OMG is all I can so to those examples you gave. I too have seen parents basically instruct their kids or see no problem with being a snob. They act as snobs in their own life so of course it is what they teach their children. I also know one person in particular who is a snob, but teaches her child verbally not to be. Doesn’t matter, that kid is now 18 and she is extremely judgmental, thinks she is better than everyone, and looks down on a lot of people. She is as insecure as her mother.

@jonsblond It does sound like they just did not think through how it would affect the ther children. What shame.

The big question in my mind is what is your daughter going to do about it in regards to the birthday girl and the 4 others? I know your daughter is hurt, is she now going to treat any or all of those girls differently because they hurt her? What do you think? She should trust them less? Invite them less? Should something be said to the parent or the girl?

@JLeslie She won’t treat them differently because they are her friends. She’s not one to hold a grudge or be mean. She understands it was the mothers choice to only allow a small group to stay the night and it was nothing personal. I wish there was a way to let this mother know how her choice to not include all the girls for the sleepover made the other girls feel left out and hurt, but I wouldn’t know where to start.

@jonsblond I’m glad she won’t hold a grudge.

I wonder how difficult it was for the birthday girl to choose? If it caused her emotional discomfort and maybe an argument with her mom. I doubt she was happy to only allow four of her friends.

There would be no sleep-overs.
There would not even be a birthday party.

I am guessing, since you had such nice things to say about the mother otherwise, that she did not think about feelings and just thought about what was practical. I agree with @keobooks and @Jeruba that there should have been two parties – one a sleepover and one a regular birthday party. An alternative would be no sleepover, or another alternative would have been a smaller birthday/sleepover party, less people but all get to sleep over.