How does one express disappointment in a friend?

Firstly, don’t assume that its about you (rather than the project).

Give her the chance to exit gracefully from the project. Talk to her directly about your observations over time without accusing her. Just tell her in terms of how it’s led you feel using “I” statements.

If she’s that close a friend you hopefully would be able to be comfortable with total honesty. Of course you don’t discard a 14 yr. friendship over one incident.

But if you don’t discuss it honestly, it will just continue to fester.

My hunch is that the problem lies more with her loss of interest in the project. (I could be wrong, but thats my best guess). She could have committed to it without really considering a polite “no” as an option.

Allow her that option now and continue your friendship.

For me, personally, one of the critical differences between acquaintances vs. friends is the ability to talk about anything and everything EVEN difficult issues which might involve hurt feelings. Friends face stuff like that directly, resolve it and then move on.

The key is to be disappointed or upset or angry about the incident, not the person. Along the lines of what @Buttonstc said, it’s “I’m disappointed we didn’t talk about the project, I’m disappointed we didn’t take advantage of the chance to video chat.”

And somewhere in the conversation, point out that she is a valuable friend to you, and your feelings are hurt (not “she hurt your feelings”).

It’s a matter of letting her know you are hurt.

I agree with what the two above me have said but I would make one change: start out by telling her what an important friend she is to you and how much you like working with her. Then ask her what her feelings about the project are and see where the conversation goes.

I sense it is the project like everyone else noted. Perhaps release her from it? Ruining a friendship over a project is not worth it. Or ask her if she would like to do this or that (easier things) for the project instead. I would not personalize it at all but see it focused on the project. Or maybe she is just having a really bad day. I know today for e.g. I was useless all round. I could never have focused on a project no matter how much I cared.

Perhaps she has lost interest in the project but is afraid to tell you because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. maybe she was never interested in the thrust of the project at all except for a chance to regularly collaborate with you
Before you talk to her about this, mentally mark this project as dropped, over. That way you don’t feel any impetus to pull her back to your side of this, which will quickly turn the discussion into an argument.
Hate to be debbie-downer, but perhaps think of this project as a sand-bag that is keeping the hot-air balloon you two share from flying high.
now if you’ll pardon me I have to induce vomiting before I start crapping rainbows

There’s nothing wrong with a downgrade. I’ve had a few like that over the years. It’s a little rough at first but I think it’s a normal part of life. Just keep up on birthdays and Christmas and things that way. You could even write her a letter and tell her how you feel. I wouldn’t be to pushy though. I’ve pushed some distance friends away by being to clingy…

I agree with everyones sharings above. It may be that she is feeling stressed about telling you she is no longer interested or enthusiastic about the project. If she is worried it will send you into some sort of emotional tailspin, she may not feel comfortable addressing her feelings directly and honestly.
Too bad people can’t do this more, just let each other off the hook without hurt feelings.
I think it is always important to toss out a disclaimer with people and let them know that things might change and that situations/agreements need to be re-evaluted from time to time.

I would ask let her know you sense something is off and that if she is no longer interested that it is okay for her to change her mind. Let her bow out gracefully and don;t take it personally.

Just say “hey doll are you still in on the project, seems like you have a lot going on?!” & she’ll reply either way.