I need to get out soon?

It sounds like you have to just leave while they’re gone.
You could start moving stuff little by little and just not come home from work.

Re-read the last post on this subject. All of the advice still applies.

If I remember correctly, at that time you had an excuse for everything and change was simply impossible.

What need to happen is a mentality change on your part. Sack up and be an adult.

If moving out is impossible unless you get a police escort…get one.

The bottom line with the car is that it’s their car, and they have the right to not allow you to drive it, no matter what your opinion is of their reasoning. It’s for this reason that I have had my own car since I was 18. When you are at the mercy of someone else, it’s not a good spot to be in.

As far as the rest, there are two sides to every story and I’m sure your parents have their own.

I see from one of your past questions you wanted to go to Comic Con in NYC in October. Your boyfriend has no money, you have no money, but yet you want to go to the city for a comic convention. Not that your life should be joyless, but on the other hand, you have to prioritize and especially when you are on limited funds (believe me, been there, done that) you can’t always do things that are costly and unnecessary.

I recommend you try to get an education (thru student loans or whatever way you have to) so that you at least have that under your belt, along with increased ability to earn a decent salary.

It sounds (from your past questions) like your boyfriend is dead weight. He has no friends that will take him in, and therefore, if you are with him, you won’t be welcomed in those places, either.

I didn’t read all of the posts on the previous q, but from what @Seek_Kolinahr says above, you had excuses for everything. It may be a situation where you just have to deal with your parents, go to work, save your money for a while, and try to get on your feet financially. Try to play their game. Be nice to them, go to work, lay low. Save your money. Don’t spend it on expensive crap like anime or Comic Con or anything that I see you’re into.

A few years ago, I met this 17-year-old guy online (I was 18) and we developed a friendship. At the time, he was living with his parents who were crazy religious Pentecostals and were extremely abusive (physical and mental) toward both him and his older sister. It was so bad that it left him suicidal and severely depressed. It eventually got so bad that he had to go live with his grandma one state over, but that wasn’t much better. They constantly fought and it was a toxic environment. He then moved a few states away to live with a friend he met online. That was fine for a few months, but she eventually kicked him out because she was having mental health issues and couldn’t “deal with” anything else.

So, he was homeless, in Wisconsin the Winter (very cold). He went from shelter to shelter or slept in his broken down car for months and months. In the meantime, he got a job and saved every cent he earned. He saved enough to rent a room with a couple he found in the newspaper. He stayed there very cheap and continued to work 2–3 jobs.

Fast forward a year (5 years since we met). He’s now living in an apartment of his own with a roommate, has a decent job, and is starting college next semester. He’s also in therapy, which has really helped him overcome what his parents did to him.

Oh, and his older sister? She’s still living at home, basically a recluse from the outside world, living in fear and denial that she can’t get out. The difference is that her brother took the plunge and helped himself. He went through some really hard times and the only thing that kept him going was the knowledge that anything was better than living at home.

My point here is that, if you keep making excuses as to why you can’t leave, you never will. If you have a place to stay and can sneak out when your parents go out, do it! If you need a police escort, get one. If you want out as badly as you say, you’ll make it happen. If not, you’ll be stuck there. It’s your life and your decision to make as an adult. So, what’ll it be: in or out?

You are an adult, you are responsible for yourself, you are the only one who can determine your course. Get out or don’t, it’s up to you. Step up and be an adult or don’t, it’s up to you. Asking the same question over again is not going to gain you new insight. No one here is going to have a magical answer to all of your problems.

I thought that the earlier version of the car impoundment was “for me getting into a car accident in another state, when I wasn’t supposed to be driving that far away and was supposed to leave the car in NY while I bussed down to Maryland.”

If there is bad weather, and illness, and an emergency pit stop and the dog eating your homework, you call your parents from the toilet and tell them that you are going to be late and why.

And what about the endless apartment advice and the homeless boyfriend advice?

Unless your parents manacle you and the dog to a radiator, you can certainly walk out.

I would leave any way that I could. Police escort or not. It is slavery to keep you at home. You are not their property.

You are being told what you want to hear by many members here, yet you don’t take the advice. The situation has become a broken record spinning at this point.

The very next time you go to work, take a box with you. Do this several times during the week. When you have cleaned out most of your belongings, simply don’t come home. Take their car to a near by store, have your friend meet you there.

Tell your parents they can pick up the car there.

I’m trying not to judge because nobody truly knows your situation. I didnt read any previous posts so this is solely based on the current question being asked. If I were you, I would suck it up for at least a few more months until I saved up enough money to move out. You have no plan of action right now. Rushing out isn’t the smartest idea.

If I would have read your post and you had not mentioned your age, honestly I would have assumed you were around 16. I don’t mean to be offensive but some of the excuses sound a bit immature for someone your age. You’re an adult. You should know by now that there are rules under anyone’s roof, whether they’re your parents or not. If your parents gave you a curfew, you should have followed that. If something happened and you couldn’t be home on time, use your best adult judgement and call them for a heads up.

If you can’t follow their guidelines, then move out. You’re certainly old enough. But don’t grab a backpack full of essentials and go hitch hiking simply because you’re not comfortable with rules. Think it through and plan it out. If you’re that unhappy, that should be your motivation to get a good job and save money so that you can actually survive on your own.

You need to put your foot down and do whatever it takes and get out. If it is you need a police escort then get one. You are a grown adult and if your decision is to leave and live on your own then you should do so. It is a very good idea to get yourself some kind of education even if it is an associate degree. You are an adult so take charge of your life and do what you think is necessary.

You’re an adult. You’ve been an adult for about 5 years. Your parents may be intimidating bullies, but they can’t “force” you to stay or “not allow” you to leave.

Don’t take the dog with you. Please. Just don’t.

You’ll have a hard enough time taking care of yourself. You’ll have a hard enough time finding a place for you to live. Much more difficult when an animal is in tow.

^ good point. I’ve seen pet deposits up to $400 non-refundable.

Start by looking for a temporary or permanent new home for the dog. It may break your heart, but your heart is breaking already. Then get yourself out of there. When you are settled, see about getting yourself fixed so you can get your dog back if that’s possible.

If you are mature enough to make the decision to sever contact with your parents and if you are willing to live with the short and long-term consequences of such a decision, then you are able to make this decision. If you lack the financial resources and education to be able to live successfully on your own, then you had best defer your plans to leave until you are capable of supporting yourself and living with the consequences of your decisions.

I lived for a while renting rooms and usually scored one for about $200 a month depending on the area. If you have an income, you have options. Complaining gets nothing accomplished. I speak for myself as well as you, by the way. I’ve moaned and complained about places I’ve lived for years until I finally decided to do something about it. That just to say, come up with a plan and do it. Get it done.

Do you have any, at all, money saved?

Have you ever asked your parents what they see you doing in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, and 20 years? It might be interesting to know.

Start by making a budget. What do you make and what does it go on, now?

If you were to live alone, what could you afford for rent? If you were to live with your boyfriend, does he have a job? This is something easier to plan now then when you’re homeless and trying to survive day to day.

@Kairi You say that your parents “took away my ability to drive the car.” Who owns the car? Is it your property, or is owned by your parents?

If the car belong to you, your parents can’t prohibit you from driving it or otherwise enjoying your full rights and incidents of ownership.

If the car had been a gift from your parents—if they bought it for you or signed the title to you—they can’t change their minds and regain control. A gift is an outright transfer of property, and the donor can’t arbitrarily take it back after the fact.

If the car is your parents’ property, well, you’re stuck. They have no obligation to let you use it.

If you don’t have your own means of transportation, that’s a good starting point for your path to independence. Before you think about moving out, you might want to look at your finances, start saving some money for a car, and make a budget and plan for the purchase.

@SadieMartinPaul: She said the car is owned by her parents – as I wrote in my post, they then have the right to take away her driving privileges.

@jca Oh, I wasn’t the one going to NYCC. I was asking for a friend of mine that wants to go. I work weekends, so I couldn’t go even If I wanted to.

yeah, he has his problems. Some stuff happened that put him in the doghouse, so that’s where a lot of it started.

The only issue with the car at the moment is that they took it away form me completely. I’m not even allowed to drive to work anymore. I don’t mind not having it for other things, because I can give friends gas money when I hang with them if they pick me up instead.

I’m working on the budget, but that’s also hard at this point in time because they take my check from me now.

I don’t mean to keep making excuses, I’m just the kind of person that has to look at both sides of the coin. like if I say/do this, then they will say/do that. therefore I need a backup plan in case the original works. my mind works strangely sometimes, so I know it comes off as though I’m making excuses

@livelaughlove21 unfortunately, I no longer have a place to go if I leave. I mean, I have hotels, but I need to be able to get to one first.

They cannot take your check unless you give it to them.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies @Seek_Kolinahr I actually have a friend that is willing to take her for a while if I need to go that route. the one place I found didn’t ask for a deposit for having a pet, so I can always go that route too

@Seek_Kolinahr I can’t get to the bank so they have to cash it for me and that’s how they take it. I’m going to set up direct deposit with my job as soon as I cash the new check I just got.

@snowberry they don’t see me doing anything in the future. my mom says I will never have enough money for a car or my own place, so I should just give up on it, and that I’m just going to sit on my ass and be lazy and useless for the rest of my life. her words, not mine.

UPDATE

My boyfriend is of no concern anymore, as he has somewhere to stay for this month and maybe the next month.

My main issue is that I’m afraid of my parents.I can’t even talk to them about something funny that happened at work, let alone about anything else. I even told them that I’m afraid of them and they laughed at me and said I’m full of it and need psychiatric help.

A friend of mine is helping me find a way to get a car that isn’t too expensive and it reliable. As for apartments, I have found a couple. Just moving out itself is going to be hard, though I have a couple friends who are willing to help me move my stuff. Unfortunately, they all live home with their parents as well, so I can’t stay with them directly.

As for now, other then the tension in the house and everything that goes wrong getting pinned on me even if I wasn’t there (my mom accused me nine times of shutting off her fan, and wouldn’t listen when I said I did it, and now refuses to talk to me, for example), things are moderately okay.

And another laundry list of excuses.

If it’s bad, leave. Instead of having your friends give you a ride to play, get a ride to the bank.

Pick up a newspaper or search Craigslist for rooms for rent.

Make a decision and take action.

Everything that happens in your life from this moment on is YOUR CHOICE.

You can stay at your parent’s house and watch cartoons, or you can take control of your life.

@Seek_Kolinahr I think this gal just might be a reeeeally slow decision maker (takes her longer to process stuff). I’m a bit like that. I have taken 6 months or a year to move forward on something because I want to examine aaaallll the angles. But I totally agree with you!

At this point I’ve much improved in my processing, and my life works much much better now. Only takes a few months sometimes, and other times I just jump right in. Wow, who’d a thunk? LOL

Now you really have something to work with. Take them up on their suggestion that you get some psychiatric help. They will probably be expected to go with you, but you can go alone.

@Seek_Kolinahr I got a couple hits off of craigslist, yes, but I don’t exactly trust that site. I’m using other sites too right now, too.

@snowberry yeah, I am slow to make decisions. I do have a bit of mental slowness because of my biological mother’s bad choices when she was pregnant, so that may be why.

@YARNLADY I am going to see a therapist, and he’s trying to help me find a way out and somewhere safe to go. I couldn’t take them with me because I wouldn’t be able to speak freely with them there.

These two threads are particularly frustrating to me on a very personal level, because I’ve been in this exact same place.

I wasted so much of my life being afraid… being abused… being lonely and taken for granted and having my money stolen.

Money comes and goes. Know what you can’t get back? Time.

These people are stealing your life from you, one day at a time. Isn’t it amazing how you can be afraid to be home and afraid to leave at the same time? How you want nothing more than to be self sufficient and happy, yet you can’t imagine being able to take the first step?

Look, I’ve been there. I told you before. You have to take a little bit of a leap, like getting into a cold swimming pool. If you try to nudge in toe by toe you’ll never get your head wet.

Yes, it’s scary. Terrifying.

But there is a great big world out there, full of friends you don’t know yet and experiences you’ve never had.

Craigslist is full of real people, who really have nice empty house and really would like someone to help with the power bill and swim in their pool.
And obviously, meet them in a neutral place, like a coffee shop, before going to their house. And bring a friend. I’m not telling you to be stupid, just active.
Make sure there’s a written lease before you move in. And that you agree with ALL of the terms.

I truly wish you the best.

Now, I’m unfollowing this thread, because I DO need psychiatric help that I’m not getting, and these threads are affecting me emotionally beyond my tolerance.

Cheers.

@Seek_Kolinahr thank you for your input. I wish you the best of luck with your situation as well.

unfortunately, I have not found any people like that off of craigslist yet (if any), but I’m still looking. I just wish my budget was higher, but you have to make do with what you got.

I’ve got some numbers for crisis lines to call if I need help

update for everyone

My boyfriend and I broke up today.

He means the world to me…I just wish we had had more time to get out and get everything together. I understand where he is coming from in his decision, but it still doesn’t take the sting out of the wounds in my heart.

I will continue to fight on in lieu of what I have lost, what has been stolen with me. I’m going to fight back before I lose everything precious to me.

The people I looked to in my moment of need, who I would jump in front of a bullet for, were unable to help me in said time of need. I understand that they have their own things to do, and I wish them all the best. I just wish that for once, someone (such as friends or family) could be there for me like I am for everyone else.

Anyway, I’ll stop bringing everyone down with this comment. I’ve got a lot of work to do if I want to reclaim my life.

Thank you all for your help.

I’m sorry… But at least you have the right attitude now, hold on to that. You’ll get there.

Don’t worry about bringing other people down, it’s okay to ask for help. As @Seek_Kolinahr just demonstrated, if anyone feels overwhelmed on the internet, they can easily opt out (as they should). Good luck.

@longgone Thanks, I hope I can hold onto it…

Yeah, true. but still ^^”

I know you’re heart broken but now you just have to
Worry about taking care of YOU.
Keep looking for an inexpensive room near your work just to get on your feet. If you are determined you will survive, maybe even thrive.

@Judi I’ve been working on finding a place just for me, but now with him gone completely, it limits my price range. Albany just isn’t as cheap as I thought it might be. Most apartments are 1100–2000 a month, which gives me no leftover money for food and stuff at the lower end, but I can’t even afford the higher end. Not right now anyway. I’ll keep looking.

Stop looking for an apartment and look for a room in a house to start. It can be very comfortable for a fraction of the cost. If you can’t afford an apartment right now it’s a much better option than where you’re at.

Here is a map of Craigslist offerings for apartments in the Albany area for $600 a month or less. Just click on a “plus” sign in an area you like, and it will show you what’s on offer there.

And HERE is a list of people who want roommates for $400 or less.

I can’t stay away! Help!

I don’t know anything about it but have you tried this site?
Craig’s List has plenty of rooms for rent in Albany around $500.

Here is an example of a running vehicle that can be had for less than $700.

@Judi believe it or not, renting rooms here is expensive too. but it IS something I am looking at, yes. I tried that site, ut it didn’t really get me anywhere.

*but

@Judi @Seek_Kolinahr thank you both for your help!

You told your parents you’re scared of them but you claim you’re too afraid to talk to them about things like something funny that happened at work? This confuses me a bit. If your parents are as nuts as you claim, how did you muster up the courage to tell them you’re afraid of them? But anyway…I think the bottom line is, no matter what the situation is, if someone is miserable I always suggest that they change it. Whether they’re in an unhappy relationship, a dead end job, or have abusive parents, my advice is the same. Change the situation! I wish people complained less and took action instead. I understand its not always easy. But we have all given you great suggestions. You have enough knowledge to come up with a solid plan now. So do it.

@ItalianPrincess1217 they asked why I couldn’t just talk to them so I blurted it out. they thought it was hilarious.

I’ve got a basic plan, I just need to execute it.

You didn’t say what you make and do you work full time? So your weekly take home pay is what?

It’s never going to be perfect. There will always be something come up that you forgot, didn’t realize, or whatever. But you are going to make your move, and until you do it, and after you do it, remember that you are a survivor! Don’t forget that.

@jca 40 hours a week at 10.30 an hour. after taxes, I bring home about 690 every two weeks

@snowberry I’ll tyr to remember that. thanks :)

@Kairi: So you give your parents almost $1400 per month?

No wonder they don’t want you to leave.

@Kairi It’s so easy for other people to read or hear about your situation and say the obvious things – you’re an adult, start living your own life, stop letting your parents control you, people can’t have power over you unless you give permission, etc., etc. Things are always so clear from the outside looking in.

If only it were that easy. Your parents have held you in an iron fist for your entire life, and you lack the independence and self-esteem that you deserve.

I fully understand that your parents are very intimidating people, and that breaking away will be a long and painful process.

@jca every check is different. they stopped taking it now, thankfully.

@Seek_Kolinahr they also don’t want me to leave because I can do things for them that they can’t. my mom comes in my room at least once every hour during the night cuz she claims she Is in pain, but yet won’t go do anything about it. or they need me to mow the lawn or vacuum carpets or whatever else they can’t do themselves.

@SadieMartinPaul that’s basically it. and my now-ex didn’t get it either. always telling me to just stand up and do what I want, because that’s how he lived his life (and his parents can’t stand him. hm, I wonder if there’s a correlation?). but it really isn’t that easy. if it was, I would’ve been out a long time ago.

my mom comes in my room at least once every hour during the night cuz she claims she Is in pain, but yet won’t go do anything about it.

Put a hook and eye latch or a deadbolt on the inside of your bedroom door so she can’t get in.

The story does get murkier.

It’s not easy.

It is, however, simple.

All words aside, it boils down to this:

If you want out, take steps to getting out.

If you’re willing to be a captive lawn maintenance slave, stay.

@gailcalled if I do that, she’ll just yell until I go into her room.

@Kairi It’s not that I don’t want to help or anything, but I have tendonitis in both arms and both knees, not to mention carpal tunnel, and lower back problems.

@Seek_Kolinahr I’m taking the steps but if they discover me doing so, I have to lie and say I’m doing it for a friend (which was true in the beginning, since a friend of mine and her fiancé were going to be roommates with my ex and me.

You have an amazingly creative list of excuses for all of the problems that you continue to bellyache about. It appears that you are going to be their slave forever.

Wear earplugs. She must occasionally need to get some sleep herself?

@gailcalled I’m not tyring to make excuses, though it does come across that way.

@Kairi When you come up with endless “reasons” you cannot follow our advice, that is known as excuses. You rebut nearly every suggestion that is made with a new reason you can’t do it.

You still fail to see that the ball is in your court. You have enough suggestions to get you out on your own – but the one thing we can’t do for you is take the first step. Only YOU can do that, and my suggestion is GET MOVING.

@Kairi: They stopped taking your check so you can start saving. A few months and you should have enough for one month’s rent and security, for sure.

@Kairi When is the last time you made a decision all by yourself? I’m sure you can think of one. Now focus on how you felt when you were doing that, and try to stay there when it’s time to make another one. This should help, I think.

@snowberry I can’t remember the last time I made my own decision, honestly. but if I can manage to come up with one, I will definitely do so.

@yarnlady @jca I’m going apartment hunting Thursday, actually. so that is my first step.

Going apartment hunting is a choice- a decision. So is choosing to have your check automatically deposited. So you are actually making independent decisions. Most of them however have little real impact on your life. I suspect the idea of change scares you, so you check and double check yourself and your options.

Now on the one hand, this is obvious: change is always with us. But for you, it’s going to feel pretty scary if you’re not used to it because you can’t always predict how things are going to go. But you are strong enough you can handle the unknown, even if you don’t like it or don’t feel like you can. You go girl! You can do this!

@snowberry Thank you, I really needed a positive message after the day I’ve had. I have to call tomorrow when no one can hear me and see if I can/need to set up appointments Thursday to see places. if I don’t need them, then great. if I do, then I can go another time for those places.

I’m not a big fan of change, no. but after today, I am ready for a lot of change and a whole new me. well, more like the me that I used to be before all the craziness started, but I think you know what I mean.

I grabbed an apartment book while I was in Pennsylvania with my aunt today (we were picking up our car) and she got mad and said “what are you looking for a new place to live?” so instead of starting an argument, I told her I wanted to compare prices in Penn to NY (which I did, since my friend got me a NY apartment book to look at for both herself and me) so that was settled quickly, but it still is really scary.

Thank you everyone for all the positive encouragement. I know I haven’t been very easy to deal with on this topic. I think it was because I was so beaten down by what my ex would say about me that I began to doubt even myself. Even though I knew he was wrong, stuff like that sticks with you. But now that he’s gone, I can focus on what I need, and get the ball rolling.

Thank you all once again! <3

@Kairi Those apartment books are often higher priced than the apartments that are available in the newspaper. Consider also getting a studio apartment (it’s the smallest kind you can get). Here are 5 different floor plans.

Also remember when you are striking out on your own, you’ll want to get cooking utensils, towels, a bed, etc. Don’t plan to get a furnished apartment (they are very expensive). Set back a few hundred $ so you can go shopping at a second hand store.

You can get a blow up bed for about $40 at Walmart. Don’t forget sheets and blankets. But you could also manage with an air mattress if you really had to. You won’t rest as well though.

Plan in your budget for the cost of a Laundromat, and food too. Talk to the people down at the food stamp office so you know exactly what they expect of someone who is applying for food stamps (in case you need them). They may also have pointers on how to buy food on a tight budget.

I’ve lived without furniture before. I had cardboard boxes from the grocery store that I lined up on one wall in the bedroom. One kept my pants, another kept my underwear, and so on. It worked out great.

PM me and I’ll help you come up with a detailed list of essential items.

Also, there may be local websites for people who are either recycling/donating items to a collective or people who need items. In my area there’s a Yahoo group called “____ Ecycle” and it’s got daily list of people either in search of or posting available items, anything from couches, craft items, whatever. You could find something like that and request “in search of.” Also, church rummage sales always have tons of pots, appliances like coffee makers, plates, stuff like that.

One step at a time.

Sorry, I forgot to post the floor plans. Here they are. http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/5-smart-studio-apartment-layou-92329

@snowberry actually, I’ve been hoping for a studio apartment for some time now. I still look at one bedroom apartments, though, just in case.

As far as a bed goes, I can always take the one that I have if I need to. I’ve tried air mattresses before and they always end up with me on the floor. I probably just need to find a better quality one. And for a second hand store, my friend works at one and uses her employee discount for me, so I can do all that as well.

I grew up on food stamps and helped someone apply for them once, so I think I know what I need. Only issue is the waiting list for the area that I want.

I’ll PM you as son as I can. Thanks.

Thanks for the floor plans too ^^

@jca I didn’t know about that group. I’ll have to see if there’s anything similar in my area. Thank you.

@jca Yes, and some recycle centers offer a similar service too. Every place you live has a bit different plan I guess.

Keep us posted, @Kairi

@snowberry I will. Thank you!