How can I tactfully tell a young friend of mine that she really needs to wear longer, looser shirts?
I’ll call my friend Jane. She would be considered obese, or very close to it. As a result her pants tend to slide down on her hips. She favors wearing sweat pants and T-shirts. The problem is, when she sits down the pants slide down below her hips and her shirts slide up. When she stands up her butt crack is on full display. When she’s sitting next to you and stands up, then moves across you it’s right in your face. She pulls her pants back up, and her shirt back down but often that still doesn’t quite cover it all.
Also, she tends to take her time adjusting her clothes. Like, if she’s sitting down, then stands up, she does it as she’s moving across the room, instead of doing it before her back side moves into sight for the whole room to see.
It happens when she bends over too, which she does often as she has a two-year-old and infant that she has to pick up often, and has to bend over to put in car seats, and things like that.
I know she’d be mortified if she realized the display she’s putting on. I know she can feel it, but since she can’t see it, maybe she doesn’t realize how awful it looks.
I did make a gentle comment once, like, “Honey, you need to pull your pants up.” She became angrily defensive. “I can’t help it!” was her response. I haven’t said anything since.
It could so easily be solved if she just wore longer, looser shirts but I don’t know how to tell her that.
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Could these clothes be the only ones she can afford? If not, I’m guessing she simply doesn’t care or have any self respect. If you insist on telling her again, considering her last reaction, I’m guessing you’ll be risking the friendship.
No @snowberry. That’s not all she can afford. Besides, a long shirt costs the same as a short shirt. Plus she shops at Good Will.
I don’t think she realizes it is the problem.
Is she, perchance a plumber by profession?
Could you buy one as a gift? Is her birthday coming up?
1) Tell her point blank and possibly alienate her.
2) Present her with pajama bottoms and longer, looser shirts (and perhaps flip-flops) from Good-Will.
3) Assume she knows. No one can be that unaware.
4) Take a video and post it on YouTube
4) MYOB.
Nobody is really aware of how they look. She can’t see it Gailcalled. Hey…if you had a buger hanging out of your nose and didn’t know it, would you want someone to tell you about it? She is embarrassing the hell out of herself and doesn’t realize it.
That’s a thought @dxs…..Or just pick something up off the rack and Goodwill and say I saw this and it reminded me of her…..
If it is that important to you, simply tell her.
It’s not just for me and every one around us. It’s for her too. If she could see people averting their eyes and turning their heads…
I’ll probably end up doing just that. But I’m going to snag a cool looking men’s shirt first and give it to her.
Drop a coin in the crack.
You told her and she already reacted. Poorly.
Now (too be crude) butt out.
Larger, looser shirts on obese people often look hideous, like a moo moo.
She knows. You don’t need to make her feel worse.
Here’s what I would do, because I’ve done it with a friend and it works! All my friends know I’m a picture person. Just spend time with her for a day and take lots of pictures! Throw a couple bad ones into the mix, show them to her. You don’t have to say anything.
Can’t put a belt on sweats as far as I know @jca.
@filmfann I’m sure she suspects, but she doesn’t know because she can’t see it for herself every single time she bends over or stands up. She would have done something about it if she really knew. She would be mortified if she really knew.
I’ve seen lots of heavy people who dress nicely. They don’t all look like they’re wearing moo moos.
Take a picture, post it on Facebook, and you won’t have to deal with her again.
Take a picture with your phone and show her. This is you.
Dutchess, man, you’re overly critical. You see it in a lot of your questions. Actually, they’re not questions, they’re more like rants. It got old ages ago.
She’s either blissfully unaware or she really does not care. If it’s the former, then what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. If it’s the latter, then neither should you. Either way, it’s her own life I don’t think it’s your place to say anything. Let her (and everyone else you’re always criticizing) be!
Jesus. Leave the poor woman alone. She’s obviously aware that she’s overweight; I’m sure it’s hard enough for her to deal with her own insecurities without having you bash her over the head with it. If you can’t handle how she chooses to carry herself, stop spending time with her.
My best friend is a big fat man. Seeing his hairy butt crack has become a regular event for everyone in my family. He’s so big that we have to provide a special chair for him to sit down in, fearing another broken pile of wood from weaker chairs.
I let him be. And sometimes joke with him about how my pants are falling down because I’m so thin. He let’s me be.
“I know she’d be mortified if she realized the display she’s putting on.”
Trust me. If she’s obese, she knows. She takes comfort in friends that don’t make the big deal out of it that she fears others do secretly sneering behind her back.
I have someone in my organization who is a good friend of mine, and she has a big stomach like a tire. She wears shirts sometimes that are not long enough, and her stomach shows from above her pants. Horrible for a professional woman at work to dress like that. For her birthday, I bought her two tee shirts from Walmart (yes, from Walmart) that were 1x and I know they were regular tee shirts but I know the style is somewhat long – like to the butt. They were about $7 each, Just My Size brand, and I gave them to her for her birthday. When I had asked her once, “What size shirt do you wear?” She said M or L. No way was this girl M or L. Long story short, the shirts were perfect and at least on the days she has them on, she is covered appropriately.
Sweatshirts that have a band around the bottom often ride up and show what they shouldn’t show, unless you’re aware and pull them down. It’s for this reason I don’t like them – they make all body types look like bubbles. I like sweat shirts without a banded bottom.
Maybe, get her some tee shirts and make it a gift.
Body size perception is a curious thing, isn’t it @jca. I always assume I wear a large, but medium actually fits better. But I go with large anyway because I like loose comfort.
Pants…I always looking at size 10, and wind up with an 8 (or, more recently I start at 12 and end up with 10.) Just leaves me shaking my head at my own perceptions.
I am going to buy her a shirt…I’m thinking a tailored man’s shirt, the kind that buttons up and has shirt tails, would be nice and it would be flattering too. But…she may not wear it.
just leaves me shaking my head at my own perceptions.
As are we. Let that be your new mantra, please.
If she wears sweat pants, a tailored shirt might look funny together.
I think jeans are fairly universally flattering. Does the girl have jeans?
If not, maybe go shopping with her one day and pick some stuff out.
She does have jeans. She prefers the sweat pants. I can understand that—they’re so much more comfortable than jeans.
I think I’ll make a day of it with her @jca. We both shop at Goodwill. Then we could go to lunch. :)
@jca i love reading your answers. Always spot on and funny too
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