My sister wants me to disinvite my girlfriend from her wedding because of homophobic guests. What should I do?

Her wedding, her choice of guests.

This is a very painful situation. As much as it would hurt me, I would tell your sister that unless you can be who you are, which is lesbian with a girlfriend at the wedding, you cannot participate. Make sure she knows that you love her, and you would love to be there with her, but if she does not feel like she can invite your girlfriend you won’t be able to make it.

I’m with @marinelife on this. Your sister is disrespecting you big time. Supposedly in the guise of making others feel better.

Sister should grow a spine.

“She’ll be devastated and hurt”...if only your sister cared as much about you! Stand your ground and bring your date. How dare your sister expect you to uninvite someone based on their sexual preference. And the fact that she told you that everyone was talking behind your back at the funeral is just awful. A good hearted friend or family member would have kept that to themselves rather than hurting your feelings. I’m afraid that if I were in your shoes, I would respectfully decline to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She’s your sister. She should have your back regardless of what guests whisper behind it.

I agree with @marinelife.

Ultimatum time.
1. Tell her to disinvite the homophobes.
2. Take your girlfriend with you anyway.
3. Neither you nor your girlfriend will attend the wedding.
These are her choices.

Dis-invite yourself as well.

Or, be the slave of this type of nonsense forever.

If it was anything other than a wedding I’d say crash the party and make out on the dance floor. Weddings tend to be very personal occasions, especially for women. You could take the higher ground and bow out. You could tell her how you feel or you could show up with your lady. Personally, I’d tread carefully.

She should be proud of who you are, and you should, too. That’s a cold thing to do for a sister. I can’t know how good of a relationship you have with your sister because I’m not you, but you shouldn’t go against yourself because of something as simple as sexual orientation.

Regardless of what you do, it would be best if you have already introduced your new friend to the family before the wedding. But in this case, it doesn’t matter what you choose to do, someone is going to be upset.

I saw a somewhat similar thing happen at a recent wedding. The woman (sister of the groom) had just recently divorced her husband and brought her new girlfriend to the wedding as a way to introduce her to the family. The occasion quickly became about her and her girlfriend rather than about the bride and groom.

I saw another occasion where a cousin of mine used the funeral of his elderly parents (they died in a one-car rollover) to introduce his new boyfriend to the family.

My point is regardless of what you choose to do, don’t use a wedding or funeral to introduce the family to your new lifestyle and partner. It won’t work out well.

Screw that. I wouldn’t go either. To hell with those people.

My sister is a lesbian and so is a good friend of ours, who has a girlfriend (my sister doesn’t). I got married last year and all three were invited despite the fact that half of my husband’s family is comprised of redneck homophobes. His aunt gave them dirty looks and refused to come up for the catching of the bouquet because “the lesbians” were up there. I didn’t know about any of this until after the fact and I truly wish I would’ve heard her say something negative about my sister and friends that day, because I would’ve loved to embarrass the hell out of her in the middle of my wedding. My husband actually anticipated this reaction and told his aunt, before the wedding, that a few gay people would be at the wedding and if she couldn’t keep her feelings to herself, she shouldn’t bother coming. I wish she’d stayed at home. Because guess what? Those girls are important to me and I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks about that. They should have enough sense to keep those feelings inside for a few hours at someone else’s wedding.

And the fact that your sister doesn’t want your girlfriend to come because it’ll take the focus off the wedding is ridiculous. My response would be, “You know what? You’re right. I don’t want to take the focus off of your day with my gayness. I’ll just stay home, too.”

Agree with Marine and Rags.

This sucks. I’d be mad at my sister and not go. At some point, people have to draw the line and if their line is on the side of homophobes vs me, her family, fuck that noise. It’s painful, though.

@ragingloli took the words right out of my keyboard.

tell her to disinvite the homophobes (however It could well be these are “essential” guests like parents-in-law).
and
Take your girlfriend with you anyway.

However, at the end of the day I have to agree with @Pachyderm_In_The_Room that it’s her event and she has every right to disinvite your girlfriend on her own authority, ...that’s what she’s telling you, she doesn’t want your partner there. If you want to be there play by her rules. You have the option to politely and respectfully decline to be there yourself, without having to explain yourself further.

Time for a heart to heart with sister. Have faith in her love for you & trust her with your feelings.

I think your sister should take the same attitude as @livelaughlove21, and I suggest you show her what she wrote along with @ragingloli‘s list of options.

As you stated in your question, many of these people were at the funeral and have already noted that you are a lesbian. I’m not sure it would be a shock this go round.
I think that this is breaking your sister’s heart to have to do this, but maybe she is getting pressure from someone else. It sounds as if she is very accepting of your lifestyle.
However, this is going to have to be your choice whether to go or not and if you do go, whether to take your partner.
Good luck with your decision and let us know how this turns out.

Welcome to Fluther.

Clearly, she should be disengaging her homophobic arsehole “friends” from her life, let alone the wedding. Where you & your partner come into it is a complete mystery.

You may be out of the closet, but that is irrelevant if no one can practice gracious behavior.

Is your small town able to practice gracious behavior during the wedding events? Have you asked your partner what her opinion is? Would you be able to act in a very circumspect manner during all the public events? Do you believe your sister would act in a very circumspect manner during all the events?

No matter the answers to any of these questions, trust your gut. Do as it says, not what anyone else says.

Let’s reframe this situation a little. Suppose you are straight, your family is white, and your fiance is black. Your sister asks you to be in her wedding, but you can’t bring your black fiance…because some of her guests are horribly racist. Would anyone think that was okay? Would you do it? I sure wouldn’t.

I was going to say the exact same thing @augustlan

I’d stay away from this occasion rather than be untrue to myself. It’s your sister’s choice, but you can say no thanks.

Her wedding her choice of guests. My guest my choice of attending or not.

Thank you so much everyone. All of your perspectives and insights have been really helpful in getting my mind all the way around this issue. @augustlan you are so on point. We don’t live in a small town. It’s just that the community we have been a part of since we were kids is very religious and judgmental (African immigrants).

I’ve been staying up nights worrying about how to tackle this. I haven’t told my GF what is going on yet, because I want to give my sister a chance to think it through. My sis and I are supposed to talk tonight and I hope it goes well.

@africana Keep us posted! I hope it works out ok.

This is a tough tough question to answer. This could be the kind of story that would set up some actors to win an Oscars award.

With that being said. I hope you follow your gut instinct with this one. Try to hold back anger because that will only worsen things. I see you in this role as a leader who is guarding your gf’s heart as well as your sisters heart.

Personally I would most likely rebel and not go because that is my nature. I would easily feel offended and took it beyond personal. However maybe you are blessed with compassion in seeing this through and making both parties happy.

Positive thoughts are with you! Good luck. Regret nothing.

I’d be offended, personally, and would not attend the wedding. I would not speak to my sister again until I received an apology. She isn’t just
condemning your girl she is condemning you.

Gay girl here. I’ve been in many awkward family situations, but I never let them stop me from being who I am.

Who would she rather be present? Her family and their loved ones, or homophobic bigots (who may also be family, I get that)? Sounds like she’s “uninviting” the wrong people.

You’re a couple now. Either she accepts your partner regardless of consequences, or can do without you at her wedding. You and your partner are a package deal.

If you two show up as a couple and other guests cannot accept that then that means that they don’t accept your sister either and shouldn’t be at the wedding in the first place.

And if she pulls the “my wedding, my guest list” card to force the issue, well, that brings up other issues, but suffice it to say that I would not be the best man at my brother’s wedding if I were put in that situation and he dissed me and my BF like that.

Answering before reading everyone else: it’s you and your girlfriend or it’s neither of you and you’re not in the wedding. Time for your sister to stand up for you! If the guests are homophobic, that means the guests don’t like you either.

Just had the talk. She officially wants me to disinvite my GF because of what the homophobes are going to say. I am Angry. Devastated. Hurt. Never been so disappointed in my lil sis. I told her that at the end of the day it’s her decision, and that I also think she’s making the wrong choice.

@africana Have you decided whether you will attend the wedding?

@marinelife, not yet… I’m going to talk to my GF and then sleep on it. I am trying my best not to act out of anger, but it’s really difficult. argh.

I’m sorry.

I thought @augustlan‘s point regarding interracial couples in the past was a good parallel, but you may (you obviously know her better) be able to ask if this is really the side she wants to be on for this issue? She’s taking a stand, whether she thinks it’s just the easy way to do things or not.

She’ll always be your sister, through all remaining relationships, so perhaps you could take your girlfriend on the trip home, go to the wedding solo, stand with her as her sister for the ceremony, and leave early to have a late dinner with your girlfriend?

It’s true to both groups, shows you care about everyone involved, and doesn’t hide who you are.

If you start giving in now they will always expect it. Put up your boundaries now. Whether or not you stay with your current girl, you will always be part of that family and they need to learn how you want to be treated as an out, gay girl.

What will you do when they ask you to deny the woman you love next time? How about if it is your wedding? What if you have children? It’s not just about one day, it’s the rest of your life.

I am with @tinyfaery; either stand your ground or become a puppet for your sister and the bigots on her “acceptable guest” list.

If your sister cares more about her own convenience than about you, it really makes me wonder if you should even admit you share DNA with her. If her reputation matters more to her than her big sister, what sort of sister is she? Her other guests should have to adapt to you, not the other way around.

It may be argued that it’s to protect you and your GF, but is it really protecting anybody except your sister and the bigots? I say no. That is a dodge. It’s basically your sister saying that she is either too weak or too uncaring to stand by you. Either way, I would consider your GF to be more “family” than your alleged sister; the heart matters more than the DNA.

I would not only go with the girlfriend, but make a point of most politely and respectfully introducing her to one and all, especially the homophobes.

This is not cut an dry for me. Here are my thoughts. If your friends and family really are that homophobic, I am inclined to say go without your girlfriend, hopefully she will understand.

However, if everyone already knows you are a lesbian, since there was all that gossip surrounding the funeral, then what is the real difference if you bring her or you don’t? They are all going to talk about you anyway.

The reason I think you should consider going even if your girlfriend can’t, is because I also support gay people not coming out if they feel sure their family will be very negative. Many people push gay people to come out, but sometimes (I think it is rare) but sometimes the family really does suck. If the community where your family lives sucks, then I understand why your sister is asking your girlfriend not come. If it was any other event, I would definitely take a stand,but since it is her wedding I am a little more empathetic with the pressure she feels for it to be a “perfect” day.

I think she is wrong, I think your girlfriend should be able to come, even if some people will talk. I’m sure you won’t be kissing and rubbing up against her in public. Girls are probably going to dance together at the party anyway.

Maybe your sister will change her mind? When is the wedding? I think if it were me I would tell her how extremely dissappointed I am, and ask her if she thinks people will talk less just because my girlfriend isn’t there.

I guess my comment to the bride would be, “what happens if I come home sometime with my GF—am I supposed to hide from the town?”
I say be straight with her and tell her that it is time for her to stop worrying about what other people think and start caring about you and your happiness. I realize that it is ‘her’ day but she is putting you in a position of making choices which is totally unfair to you. I would also make sure that she is not going to seat your GF with a table of unfriendlys. If your GF is excited about going, don’t make her choose either. If you are committed to each other it is for good or bad. Best wishes and good luck.

Those who would make comments or be awful to your girlfriend will also make comments and be awful about you. They may not do so to your face, but if they don’t like gay people, they are hateful bigots who don;t accept you as you are. Your sister need s to realize that now.

Best of luck and sending my deepest wishes your family supports you. You deserve it, and you and your girlfriend deserve each other’s love.

I wish I could find this specific cartoon online. I remember reading a Dykes To Watch Out For comic strip and it talked about the differences people perceive in straight couples vs Lesbian couples.

The straight adult couple were on their parents couch making out and engaging in heavy petting. The parents said “Ahhh young love!” The lesbian couple was sitting on the couch far away from each other, but holding hands. The parents said “Ewww. Do you HAVE to do that disgusting stuff on our own couch?”

I think if you are behaving well and not making a scene that anyone’s problem is theirs and not yours.

Ugh, I’m so sorry it didn’t go well with your sister. Honestly, I couldn’t do it. I’d have to bow out of the wedding.

My apologies—I neglected to update how everything went in the end. I can’t believe it has been 5 years! First of all, thank you so much to everyone who gave their advice! It really was invaluable and so helpful to hear your words of encouragement and support during this emotionally roiling situation.

***
After several more emotional discussions with my sister, skipping her bachelorette party in protest, and letting it sink in that I was seriously considering not attending the wedding, she finally relented…

During the wedding festivities, initially I was apprehensive, however my sister and her closest friends were nothing but gracious and kind to my girlfriend. They went out of their way to make her feel welcome at each event (even saving places for her to sit with while I had to take care of family duties). In the end, it was a beautiful wedding, and went off without a hitch.

***
These days, my former girlfriend is now my wife of two years. My sister is a staunch defender of ‘us gays’ ;-). And, we all try to visit and FaceTime each other as much as we can. Consequently, I often think about how things might have turned out if I hadn’t been patient or strong enough to stand up for myself…

I have the strange sense that if I had succumbed to that shame, invalidation and homophobia and allowed my GF to be disinvited, it would have not only destroyed the budding relationship with my future wife, but also irreversibly damaged the relationship with my sister.

I owe a debt of gratitude to those of you on this forum who helped me with your words of validation, outrage and empathy. As you can probably tell, it was a defining moment in my life, and I’m thankful you were a part of it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :-) Sincerely, me

Thanks for the update! I’m so happy it worked out as it did.

That is such an uplifting update! Thank you!

This makes me so happy. I’m so glad that things worked out. Congrats on the marriage.

What a great update!