Is it polite to continue to speak in a different language when you have a guest?

I would say not, when I was young, I had a friend from Japan named Yuki. Even though the families dominate language is Japanese, they would all speak English for me when I was visiting.

I agree with you. Whenever I have friends over, I always remind my parents to speak in English so they don’t feel left out. We could be saying something as small as “pass the salt” and I know some people would imagine that we are insulting them or something. I am sure you don’t think that his family is insulting you but even then, it IS impolite and if your family has the courtesy to speak in English for him then his should extend the same to you. If i was in your position, I would discuss this in detail with the hubby and tell him how I feel left out etc whenever his family is over. You need to explain to him that everyone can have still have fun if they speak in a language that everyone understands. Ask him how he would feel if your family spoke in a different language while he was around. Maybe if he puts himself in your shoes, it will make more sense to him.

You are on the money as far as etiquette. What a pity that with so many languages in common, they choose the one you don’t understand!

Maybe you could invite them over for a special meal celebrating a specific culture of whose language everyone speaks, for an example, French, and have guests speak only French on that night and serve French cuisine, etc.

9 languages! are u guys language expert? anyway, its apparently not polite, i met this thing too.but not 9 languages many:

I would say what every you have to speak to include the most people. I had (thank god they got devorced) a sister in law who purposely spoke russian to her daughter and swept her from the room when ever it was just her her daughter me and my two kids. Finally my son, who didn’t speak russian, said “daddy, why is she mad at me”. When Franken-sis-in-law came back in I stepped between her and the kids before she could break them up again and said, “if you don’t stop speaking in russian and taking your daughter away everytime its just us, I will make it a point to bring your rudeness up the next time the whole family is together you arrogant woman. I don’t care if you don’t like me, I am relieved actually. It means I won’t have to worry about seeing you that often, or pretending to like you. But your effecting my kids. That I wont have. Now go over and apologize to them, in english and explain to him what your speaking. Teach him and help him understand. I will be back here. Then stop it.” She was an evil spiteful woman.

I grew up in a place where english was was not the dominant language; most of my classmates and neighbors spoke spanish as their first language. Often times at school my friends would begin to speak in spanish (or spanglish) just out of nowhere. Inevitably, they would return to english, but I always felt very left out at those times. When I was in their homes the older generations almost never attempted to speak english to me, but they did attempt to communicate in other ways. The younger generations, those my age and younger, all spoke english, but would switch in and out as the situation allowed. I did learn to understand quite a bit of spanish, but the times when my friends left me out made me feel like an outsider.

Having said that, I really think consideration should be given to those who are not native english speakers. Depending on the amount of english that is spoken, and how comfortable each person is with the english language, it’s unfair to expect that everyone will feel confident expressing themselves in the language that you understand, especially in front of articulate, native speakers.

Having said that :) This is your family. I would hope that they are comfortable enough to hold a conversation in a language you speak. Maybe you can ask your spouse to ask his family to be more considerate, and speak in a language you understand. If everyone speaks more than one language in common, it might be fun to pick a different language each time you get together.

When I use to have guests over to my families’ house, I made sure we always spoke a language they were comfortable with. It’s just courteous.

Secondly, I think it’s kinda rude for your husband’s family to speak a language you don’t understand at your house. Whenever I’m even out somewhere, and the people I’m with start speaking a language I can’t understand, I ask them politely to speak one we all can.

I hate it when I am on the receiving end, and I try to make a point to connct with people at a table even if I do not speak their language.

I think it’s impolite to carry a conversation in language that not everyone who’s present can understand.
I work with a lot of different nationalities and I know this is not how everyone feels, but I do – and in my experience most Scandinavians do.

I don’t mean to generalize, but I’ve found the French to be the most reluctant to switch the language of their conversation, followed closely by Germans. Dutch will change just because they see a non-Dutch speaker walk by….just my observations.

I think there are two issues here. One is a practical one, the other about “what should happen”.

Practically, considering you have so many other languages under your belt, I imagine that it should be quite easy for you to pick up a listening ability of the other language so you know what is going on.. and reply in English. It is remarkable actually how little vocab and how much you can infer from keywords and body language about what is going on.

Emotionally, it sounds like you are annoyed on a matter of principle that your husband’s family refuses to make the effort to include you, and you are asking if you have a right to feel that. Of course you have a right to feel that. I also know how inconvenient it is to speak in a different tongue in the family. My family is multilingual and it emotionally feels easier to talk about some topics in Chinese and others in English. Family things are easier in mother tongue. I’m guessing, as a multilingual yourself, you know what I mean. So there’s that too.

I dunno… I guess I’m emotionally quite practical… often for me it’s less about whose “right” and whose “wrong”, but what can I do about the situation. I’d definitely talk with my husband about it and express my feelings, and then, I’d think: well, either I think of a good way to change his family, or I think of a way to change myself so that the situation gets better…

What you say, Lifeflame, is true. At this point I do understand a great deal of the discussion in the other language, but sometimes I am so completely off base – once they were talking about packing suitcases for a trip, and I thought it was about hairstyles. But it IS a matter of principle that there are other langugaes, and after a while I just shut down and languish on the couch or at the table.

At this point, I have stopped going to his family, and tell them when they ask that I don’t feel welcome, I’m lonely with no one to talk to and no one paying me any mind, and when they come over, I remind them that we (my daughter, too) would appreciate being a part of the family. After all, I told my husband, he had plenty of oppotunity to talk with his own daughter in his language starting the day she was born, and he chose to dismiss his language, and not teach it to her.

Sometimes we do a dfferent language than English, like French or Italian, but the fact is that the other language that everyone speaks best in, including all the children, is English. And even though everyone might speak Serbo-Croation, and Spanish, if we try to go in that direction, we get shushed because some of the oldies don’t want those languages or don’t speak them well enough.

We’re not language experts, chance just dealt us cards that we all lived in various countries before settling in the U.S.

I find it very telling that he is not interested in teaching his daughter his mother language. Is it a gender thing? If he had a son, would he think differently?

I’d ask my significant other to translate everything that is said in a language I don’t understand. Eventually you would think that his family would get the hint.

If he had a son, you bet he’d teach him.

Next time someone speaks in a laguage you don’t understand around you, whisper everything you have to say in your husband’s ear. When they tell you it is rude, tell them now they know how you feel wehn they leave you out.

This situation happens all the time in the Southwest, mostly with Spanish speakers. They seem to dive in and out of English, Spanglish, and Spanish, and most will admit that they switch to spanish when they want to keep their conversations private. Sadly, I speak Spanish very well for a good Norwegian-Irish boy.
And yes, it is extremely rude. I have no qualms about telling them so. In Spanish.

@ knotmyday – i like that attitude :)

No but I like to tell people in their own language I know what you are saying. :) then the room gets quiet especially when they were just talking $hit.

Thanks, PnL. That kind of attitude is salsa that that spices the bland nachos of our tedious existence.
Whatever that means… should probably get to bed. :^D

Coming from a bilingual family, we try to keep everyone in the conversation. But we sometimes use our language, usually for small inconsequential things, private-ish things. Is it rude? Mabye. But its never to talk about someone behind their backs. And its very minimal. When we see our friends, a French-American family, they seem to do the same thing with their language.

It’s really too bad that your husband didn’t teach your daughter his mother tongue. And that he didn’t try to teach you better(it sounds to me). I do think its rude to talk extensively in languages that guests don’t understand. I think you should, as kindly as possible try to ask that they speak in English.

Has your husband tried to teach you his language? Was it too difficult?

I’m curious, what are your and your husband’s mother tongues?

Albanian, which he wasn’t interested in teaching us, and Polish, which makes him cringe when he hears it! I wish my Italian or German were as good as his, but they aren’t even close!

Wow, I’m sorry. It sucks that Polish makes him cringe. I can understand that they view Serbo-Croatian as bad, given all the troubles between Serbia and Kosovo. It probably seems like Russian to the Poles. What’s their problem with Spanish? Could be old-world uni-culturalism I guess. I really don’t know what you can do if you’ve already tried to tell them nicely, other than invite them over to your house more often to speak English, and make a token appearance once in a while at your in-laws. Maybe you could talk your relatives into pressuring your husband to teach you Albanian, or even having one them do it. But that might not be realistic.

At this point, I’m not interested in learning. Maybe at some point we’ll go there, and that will change. I have been avoiding going to their homes, and when they come over, if it continue for more than a few minutes, I have been getting up and going to another room. If they wanted my company, they would speak in English, is how I am interpreting it. I think I will try it for a while. The whispering idea doesn’t seem too bad either!

I think it is wrong to speak in another language when you have guest in your home. They usually will think you are speaking about them.

I think that when you have a guest or when you are a guest, you should speak a language that everyone can communicate in. Speaking in a foreign language while there is a guest could seem like they are trying to alienate you. It’d be a polite thing to do if everyone spoke in a language that can be understood within the group.

Try to avoid it, but your guest will probably understand it when you do it. But do not talk about your guest or behind his/her back. Even if you only talk nice about him/her, he/she will most probably understand that you are talking about him/her and feel uncomfortable and might think you are talking behind his/her back

rowenaz, I understand how you feel, my husbands family speaks spanish of which I dont’ speak a word. I have only one request when in my home we speak english, all the time. In his parents house? thier house thier rules, but in variably since his parents are not comfortable speaking english they revert back to spanish in my home. (His parents understand english) When I remind my husband that I feel left out, whats the sense of me remaining, and I have threatened to just leave and go to my parents house for the rest of his parents visit, since no one is interested in speaking with me, he just tells me I should speak up and remind him, he says he forgets! I say he is copping out and wants me to be the bad guy. Am I being unreasonable. If my parents were doing something he did not like I would handle it.

Yes, I agree with you that you are not being unreasonable if a whole bunch of the conversation is in both languages. If it were more half and half, I am sure you wouldn’t be bothered that much!

Last night we went out for my birthday, and my husband invited his brothers. They spent the entire night talking in their mother tongue, and my husband couldn’t understand why I was so angry!

You are correct: it is rude. I come from a background where English is not always spoken in my home, but when a stranger enters the home, it is just plain rude to continue speaking in that foreign language.

rowenaz, I am sorry you are subjected to that in your own home. I don’t think you even need to get up and leave. Maybe tell them point blank: “If you can’t speak a language I understand, please leave”.

That should get them talking in English fast!

Oooh !!!! I would JUST LOVE to ask some of them to LEAVE!!

Just do it. You can blame me if it turns out poorly. :)

I can really relate to thi issue. I’ve been married to a Serb for over a decade. She speaks English fluently (she has a degree in English). We live in America and most of our guests are capable of speaking English, but the conversation invariably turns to Serbian.

The first instance was before we were even married. A Serbian acquaintance of hers came over and the three of us sat at the table for coffee. He speaks English perfectly, but within a couple of minutes they were speaking Serbian. At the first pause, I asked what they were talking about, got a brief translation, and then they were back to Serbian. This continued on and on and I finally got up and left the table and the room. Later, she wanted to know why I was so rude. I thought it was very clear that my company was unwanted. This scenario has continued for the past decade.

Now we have children and almost every conversation in my home is in Serbian. In the past ten years, I have averaged a 60 to 70 hour work week and have had little to no time to learn a foreign language. I’ve picked up a little Serbian, but I’m certainly not conversational. She has made only minor efforts to teach me a little vocabulary and languages don’t come easy to me.

So now when I complain about the rudeness of discluding me from practically every conversation in my home, she says that I’ve had ten years to learn Serbian. I say that she’s had ten years to learn some manners.

This has really been a sore point between us. Even when our guests speak English, my wife leads the conversation back to Serbian. My step-daughter is such a langauge nazi about it that she chastises her little sisters when they speak English.

Frankly, a decade into this, I never feel at home. I enjoy conversation and resent that I can’t really participate in my own home. I’ve tried to understand, truly, that with us living in the U.S. she wants to instill her culture in our children, and I’m OK with that, but not to the exclusion of me and mine. I’ve explained my feelings, politely at first, and then with varying degrees of hurt, anger, and disappointment. Such explanations are met with malice and contempt.

Now, I see no other conclusion I can come to, except that my participation in conversations is not welcome. So, when I have tried to find other outlets for such human interaction, whether friends, the internet, etc, I am accused of spending too much time talking on the phone or on the computer. I’d love to spend that time talking to my wife, but clearly that desire is not reciprocal.

So, I’m a bit confused. Am I the bad guy here? Am I somehow not getting it?

@Veridity: I don’t think you’re the bad guy, in my opinion. I think she has some issues with you and has used language as a weapon, for whatever reason. I strongly suggest going for couple’s counselling, because that way you have a mediator who can point out to her (in a non-threatening way) that this behavior is hampering her relationship with you, her spouse. Because, if she is doing it to annoy you (since she knows you don’t appreciate being left out) she needs to express what issues she has herself with the relationship. Perhaps if she sees the damage it is doing she will try to resolve whatever issues she has with you with the help of the counsellor.

If she is not willing to attend counselling, I would go myself if I were you. At the very least, the counsellor can help you determine if this is an unhealthy situation for you and give you some suggestions and options. Good luck hope this helped

Thanks for the comment. Obviously, there are issues in any relationship. If she does have one abiding issue that causes her to do this, I don’t know what it is and it has clearly been going on since the very beginning of our relationship. Which makes me think that this behavior is less about me and more about her. I think she’d be doing this no matter who her spouse was.

As a mono-lingual person (unless you count gibberish) I find it rude when people speak anything other than English when I am in the room. The only exemption would be in a room full of deaf people signing. Been there, done that, but I don’t feel left out, its a joy to watch people sign. I tried to learn it, but my knack for languages is nil.

JUST SPEAK ENGLISH

=] everybodyyy happy

My wife is polish but we live in germany, her whole family speak polish when together and im sat there watching German idol (painful) listening to the jabber on ion polish for 5 hours.. when they can all speak german!!

at least im learning a bit of polish now.. (the language, not the cleaning product)

its frustrating, I think if everyone can speak a universal language this should be used, only when your calling them names or being distasteful about their dress sense should you talk in a language they dont understand :)

which probably explains a lot about my wifes family ;op

in my opinion its not polite to speak in different languages to guests becasue if the two of you clearly know that you are not speaking about the guest, the guest doesnt know that. this may make them feel uncomfortable. but if you catch yourself doing it again next time then start a conversation with the guest about the language and even teach them some new words (:

I’m all for being multi-lngual – and kudos for everyone who is or tries to be.

I think that no one should be expected to speak in any language other than what they are most comfortable in, and are able to communicate best in…however, when you are with mixed language ability, and don’t want to exclude someone, then you should do your best not to exclude by either speaking a common language, or letting the person know (in advance) that THIS PARTICULAR gathering will be in XXX language. That’s how I see it these days.

This would only be impolite if you did not also keep up a translation of the conversation. As long as the guest is incluced in the conversation, by means of translation, there should be no problem.

Including a guest by means of translation is not realistic. If you have 5 or 6 people conversing in Serbian and one has to be the translator, that person will not be able to keep up with the flow let alone participate in the conversation themselves and the evening turns to a chore for everyone.

The polite thing to do is to speak a language common to everyone if possible. If not, to include the greatest number of people and to make sure guests are included. If the guest does not speak the foreign language, it is rude to carry on in it for long stretches or to whisper in it in front of the guest.

depends on the social culture of your environment.

are you in a mono cultural environment? if you are, then i’d say “no, it’s probably not polite”. if you’re in a multi cultural environment, i’d say “sure, go for it”. i’m in the latter, at any given time, i can hear 2–3 languages being spoken. (two of which i understand)

guests, however, are different. if i am the host or play the role of caretaker, i will make it a point to communicate in a language the guest understands.

I think that would be a bit rude. I see that the same as if they were to whisper to eachother in front of you. If there was no common language then it would be different.

I kick it @ my friends house all the time, and her family speaks Farsi. Im totally learning it from them, so I really dont mind. I guess if the family just started havig a conversation, and it took longer than is polite, Id be offended.

I think its very rude to speak a foreign language in front of someone who doesn’t understand it. It is difficult of course if the people speaking it don’t speak the language of the guest, but if they do they should switch to that language out of respect of the guest. I have been in many situations where i am in a group setting where I am the american and other are speaking….lets say Chinese or Spanish and they all know how to speak english, but they continue their language. It basically excludes the person who doesn’t speak the language and as I said before it is rude.

Speak English. Can’t go wrong.

It is impolite to speak a different language when you have a guest who does not speak that language, for they would feel left out and hurt, and next time you try to ask them to come over, they may refuse to do so, so that they would not experience impoliteness by the one who was impolite to them. I know I wouldn’t want the same to be done to me. Do on to others as you would like the same to be done on to you.

Alexander

If you are in MY home, I’d prefer you speak in MY language! Otherwise. . . . . .GO HOME and speak in YOURS! And THAT’S . . . . . .E-X-A-C-T-L-Y. . . . . . . .what I would tell them! EXACTLY!

I think that it’s actually rude. I had a boyfriend who speaks more than one language. When I’d go to his house, his parents would speak to him in their language while I was there. While they probably weren’t intending to be rude, I still felt it was. Then again, it was their home. It’s not like they were breaking the law.

Yep.

I worked for foreigners for a while and they would speak their native language constantly. It didn’t bother me that much, because I didn’t care what they were saying. I do think it is distasteful and rude – if it were the other way around I would always choose to speak the common language. And frankly, if you are running a biz in America, employing Americans, it is just bad business to make your unofficial office language anything other than English.

@Veridity I wonder if it is a cultural thing that your wife insists on speaking Serb? Sometimes people carry around their ethnicity like a trophy and are very proud of where they come from. It’s ridiculous and annoying when they have chosen to live in another country (America) and I’m not really even patriotic. Or maybe she really misses her birthplace. Do you take regular trips to Serbia? Maybe you could make a deal that everyone speaks English around you in exchange for a once a year or biannual or whatever trip to Serbia. Or maybe it is time to make her teach you the language.

It is absolutely rude for them to speak a language that you can’t understand when you are around. But since you have such an affinity for languages why don’t you try to learn his mother’s tongue?

Last time they came over I went to the computer and played scrabble. When asked why I was at the computer, I said, “Well, clearly no one wants me participating in the conversation, and I have to do more than just look pretty.” It didn’t go over as well as I had hoped.

I’ve enjoyed reading these responses and would appreciate any opinions: my boyfriend speaks Spanish (I’m starting Spanish classes in January).... some friends came to visit (all of whom speak perfect English) and we went for dinner… The entire evening was in Spanish with my boyfriend occasionally translating… I told him I thought they were all rude and I felt left out…. He says I was selfish…... Thoughts?

@eurohippie I would say it’s very frustrating when they exclude you from the conversations, and when you so-called boyfriend starts calling you names it’s time to re-think the relationship. Do you want to be with someone who is so disrespectful of you and your feelings?

Consider: the point of manners is to try to make your guest comfortable.

Wow yarnlady, excellent point…. I have some thinking to do.
Nullo raises a good point too… But who was the guest? Technically they were, but it felt like me. Mmmmmmm

I hate when Nullo makes me feel ashamed.
SHAMED I TELL YOU!!

Think I’ll bring that up the next time I’m over there…..

@Siren I agree. I lived for five years in South Africa, among mostly British citizens and some locals. I noticed that the Afrikaans parents would chastise their children for speaking Afrikaans if an English-speaking person was in the room. It is considered very rude.

You have a unique circumstance, though, if there are so many languages going on that there isn’t one that everyone in the room understands.

I wish someone would tell this to the Spanish-speaking people in our country.

I am in the same predicament. Since these people are so rude and inconsiderate to me to not speak in english even though they speak english in their everyday lives, I am considering what some of the posters suggested such as whispering and leaving the room. I’m thinking about just speaking over them and pretending they aren’t even there (i’m smiling just thinking about it) but if I speak over them to my husband, he would just answer them and then answer me. If I continue doing that I fear they would catch on and just be even more nasty to me. I’m so upset that the little things in like people take for granted like joining in a conversation or laughing with everyone else I CAN’T ENJOY! How can nobody notice or care ( even my husband) that I AM AT THE TABLE TOO..I am not invisible. Hmm, they are not that stupid to not think that maybe I want to be included. Im out of options, being nice gets me nowhere. If i shut up and just sit there with a fake smile (I cant play on my phone that pisses my husband off) and stare at there faces im hurt. I’m crying even writing this. He has so many friends so this is an everyday thing. Welcome to my life.

@LonelyLittleMe Wow, you need to take some “biatch” lessons! This is what I would do – I would play with my phone, piss my husband off, and if he dared to say a word to me about it, then I would tell him (loudly and in front of everyone) that since I can’t join in the conversation, I have to do SOMETHING to entertain myself! Better yet, next time it happens, take out your phone and call a friend or relative and talk to them, excluding those at the table who are basically doing the same thing to you. See how they like being left out of the conversation!

I am in a similar situation except I am a newly married woman living abroad in my husband’s native country. I do not speak the language yet. I’ve tried to learn but it is challenging. My husband is not very supportive when it comes to helping me; he makes fun of my pronunciation or puts me down when I try to speak. I am currently the bread winner for our household since my husband’s business is failing, so even though I think classes would be a benefit, I can’t afford them timewise. The language barrier is creating a huge distance between myself and my husband, only I’m not sure he cares or realizes the seriousness of the problem. I’ve explained how isolated I feel when we meet his family or friends and everytime he assures me he will try to help me be a part of the meeting and work towards change. This always fails and I am left smiling and nodding like an idiot. I can’t laugh at the jokes, say my opinion, or understand anything beyond basic food talk. His family isn’t intentionally unkind, but can’t do much to help since they don’t speak English. Everyone expects me to magically speak the language, yet no one has offered to help me. I am beginning to get resentful about the whole situation. I want to ask them how they can have these expectstions of me when they cant speak English despite years of study and living abroad themselves. I know anger is not the answer but I’m hurt and frustrsted. I’ve started to avoid seeing them or being with my husband in this situation. I want to be a part of this, but I feel, no know, I make everyone uncomfortable. For example, I met my husband’s family two weekends ago. I felt my being there was making everyone uncomfortable (conversation was strained and no one showed any interest in answering my questions or engaging me at all) so I made an excuse to go home early.he was out until 4, so clearly things picked up. Similar situation this weekend. I didnt go on a trip bc he was meeting friends and I wouldnt understand. It’s late and he called to say hi. Hearing everyone laughing and having a good time broke my heart. I thought I would be a part of my own family life. Instead I am home alone on another weekend. I was once very social but now feel it’s inappropriate to go out with my single friends out of respect for him. I am so lost. I guess I am posting to ask does it get better? I love my husband but hate this reality.

1. Tell you husband immediately that making fun of you is humiliating and you hate when he does it.

2. Find a site online that offers free language lessons.