When a close friend or family member falls into serious peril do you rally around them or distance yourself from them?

Normally we stand by them to a degree.

One of our friends got into some drugs issues and then ended up participating in an armed robbery of a convenience store with another man. He also stole a bunch of things and went to jail for all of it.

When he finally got out, he stopped by our house. I asked if he’d been the one to steal our lawnmower, he said no, I didn’t really believe him, but I accepted it because I love him. We love him but since he hasn’t come back around since then, we feel like he’s probably going back to a life of crime. Sad.

@KNOWITALL Normally we stand by them to a degree.

One of our friends got into some drugs issues and then ended up participating in an armed robbery of a convenience store with another man. He also stole a bunch of things and went to jail for all of it.
Many people can understand better drug addiction, crimes fueled by them, vehicular manslaughter (even if it was the person’s 5th DUI offence), embezzling (even from a school or family business), etc. The more people can see them in the crime the more tolerant they are or more receptive to forgive and hand with the perpetrator. What if your friend was arrested and it was said he went over to the home of a friend you all knew who had a mid-teen daughter, and while her parents were away he went over got her drunk and high and had his way with her. Most would distance themselves because they could never see them ever being in that position or committing a crime like that. If that were the case how well would you stand by him or have his back? If he stopped by many years later after doing his time would you even open the door for him?

I would have to know a few more details about the trouble they were in. If it seemed to me that they were innocent I would stand by them until the end. If they were guilty of something truly heinous I would probably wash my hands of the whole thing.

I’m sad to say, we had a friend who was an odd fellow. He used to take my son with his son to Six Flags or Disney. He loved being around kids.
He adopted two boys from the Ukraine. He was accused by a jilted girlfriend of child abuse.
At this time my son, who is bi polar was a teenager and going through a tough time. He said that the guy NEVER tried anything with him and he had plenty of opportunity (and my son was a really cute kid.)
By the time the guy was arrested my son was in a terrible emotional state due to his mental illness. He could not have handled going through the stress of being a witness for the defense. I didn’t even suggest it even though he may have been able to help defend the guy.
The guy is in prison right now.

It’s a difficult hypothetical, but I’ve had several people in my home who have been accused of some bad things. I tend to look at the person for who they are and try to love them anyway.

Even murderers and child molesters eventually get out of prison, so I don’t feel we can hold a perpetual grudge against someone. Forgiveness is sublime and accepting the fact that none of us are perfect helps.

I’ve probably put myself in danger a few times, inviting a meth head over to talk or forcing them to sleep in my guestroom before I’d let them leave, that kind of thing.

It would greatly depend on the person and the circumstances. I’d say yes for some and no for others. It would depend on the situation.

I’d say you never know until it happens to you. I could claim that I’d act one way, but then surprise myself and do the opposite.

We supported a family friend who was charged with having sex with his 10-days-before-her-17th-birthday girlfriend. He was over 21, she was 16, and in NY that is defined as Rape 3rd. a Class E felony. Never mind that she had been chasing him for months, or that she was much more experienced, or that she was the aggressor. The law is the law – and he was still our friend. We posted bail, paid for a lawyer, paid his bills, and sent care packages and magazines while he was “in school”.
He is now employed and is a productive citizen.

If he had forced himself upon her or if he was a drug or alcohol abuser I would not be supportive.

@Lucky All of us could be in the wrong place wrong time. Good point.

@LuckyGuy That’s ridiculous. How did he even get caught?
Perhaps there were no real criminals that needed to be apprehended that day?

@Katniss Those kinds of cases are easy for the Asst District Attorney to prosecute. All they need are the 2 birth certificates. They get to say they are tough on sex offenders and that looks good in election years. . It did not matter that the girl said she was chasing him and it was consensual. It did not matter that she did not want to prosecute. In NY the law says a 16 year old is not capable of giving consent. When they were asked if they had had sex they both told the truth, of course. If either one had refused to answer the case would have been thrown out. But neither thought it was a problem. How wrong they were.

Everyone wins. The DA and ADA look like they are tough on criminals, the victim could sue and collect money. (it didn’t happen) Lawyers got a ton of cash. The only loser was our friend. I used to have faith in the criminal justice system. This one really put me off.
Also now that his is a convicted rapist he is also a register sex offender.
I used to think a rapist was someone who violently forced themselves on another. They are all scum of the earth and should have body parts removed. I have since changed my opinion.
If a girl (or boy) has sex on junior prom night with a senior or freshman in college there is a good chance one of them is committing a sex offense. Incredible.

And speaking of sex offenders. I used to think they were all slimy pedophiles that should have their balls removed. Nope. Not any more. Sure there are some but I know there are many who should not.
One of the guys in the prostate support group (late 50s) was driving home from work a couple of months after his surgery. Like most guys post surgery he was incontinent or could barely hold it. He was on the highway and there was an unexpected delay – an accident that closed the road. He was sitting in his car for more than an hour. trying to hold back the pee. Finally, he could not stand it any more so he pulled onto the shoulder, got out of the car, went behind some bushes and peed. .He thought he was out of sight from everyone but some busybody saw it and called police. Once traffic began to move they stopped him up the road and asked if he did that. Of course he said yes, explaining he had surgery and had to pee and he leaks. The “officer” then asked if he took it out of his pants to pee? He said “Of course otherwise my pants would be soaked.” That was his confession. He was charged with indecent exposure. And in that state that is a sex offense. He is now on the low level sex offender list . Never mind that he found nothing sexual about peeing on a tree, And the fact that he has total ED from the prostate surgery, or the fact that he was coming home from work while still recovering. The slime bag officer and DA both got credit for catching and prosecuting a sex offender and lawyers got paid handsomely to represent both him and the state.

May they all enjoy the prostate cancer experience.

@LuckyGuy, this sort of crap weakens the sex offender registry in my mind. Pisses me off.

@Judi Pisses me off too. Overzealous idiots made it worthless. I want the SO registry to be for dangerous people. People you should be watching for. Not a guy who pees his pants when he bends over post surgery. Or a guy that had sex with his girl friend. Or – I love this one – the 15 year old NJ girls who sent pictures of themselves to a 14 year old boy. Since he was under age they were charged with distribution of pornography to a minor. Sex offenders!
It reminds me of the MSDS (Material safety data sheets) we need for chemicals used at work. Every chemical, including household cleaners needs an MSDS for “safety”. Sure…everything on the plant is dangerous. But I want a special place for chemicals that are really dangerous. Tell me chemicals that will explode or are corrosive, or kill you with a whiff. Having a file with 10,000 chemical that include milk, water, talcum powder, soap, windex. etc. is ridiculous. Nobody and I mean NOBODY looks at it any more. Worthless. Well.. not exactly worthless. the safety guy gets a job out of it. the auditors get paid to walk around and point out violations, the managers get to be rewarded if there are no violations, printing companies get paid to make the forms, the receiving dept has a special person to evaluate all chemical that enter the building. Does it promote safety? Not a bit. It is CYA if an employee gets hurt. “The info was all in the MSDS. Clearly the employee did not follow company procedures. They are supposed to read the MSDS before using a chemical.”

I know this is off topic, but did you hear about the fifteen year old girl girl who posted nude pictures of herself who was charged as a sex offender? I think there should be special consideration that they were pics of herself so she was the only “victim” of this crime. I think she should be punished, but life on the sex offender list for being a doofus at age 15 is a bit harsh.

If you google, you can find tons of little kids getting prosecuted as sex offenders for playing doctor This article as about a 10 year old girl, but I’ve read many others as young as six years old . Yes, there are sex offenders who are kindergarten students. They will be on the list for the rest of their lives unless their parents do a ton of paperwork and legal crap.

It’s an insane world.

@keobooks Ridiculous isn’t it? The NJ girl got in trouble because she sent pornography to a 14 year old . That was the big offense. It did not matter that they were pictures of herself that she took and sent willingly. She used the internet to send porn to a minor. Clearly a SO to be watched. What a waste.
But the DA gets a notch in his belt.

@LuckyGuy We supported a family friend who was charged with having sex with his 10-days-before-her-17th-birthday girlfriend. He was over 21, she was 16, and in NY that is defined as Rape 3rd. a Class E felony. Never mind that she had been chasing him for months, or that she was much more experienced, or that she was the aggressor. The law is the law – and he was still our friend. We posted bail, paid for a lawyer, paid his bills, and sent care packages and magazines while he was “in school”.
He is now employed and is a productive citizen.
If that is not a textbook example of hypocrisy I don’t know anything.

In NY the law says a 16 year old is not capable of giving consent.
Do you think NY would change their mind and see her as an adult if she went ”postal” because the apple of her eye was arrested and emptied a 9mm into a cop car with the cop sitting in it? Certainly if she was too inexperienced to know she wanted sex with a 21 year old, she must be too much a novice to understand the full ramifications of her actions shooting at cops~

If he had forced himself upon her or if he was a drug or alcohol abuser I would not be supportive
If he was busted with $60,000 worth of meth you would kick him to the curve?

Just for the record.she did everything she could to have this stopped.. But she was never called to testify.. The DA did it with the 2 birth certificate and their freely given admission.
We all learned something that career criminals already know – lie. Even if they catch you holding “the smoking gun” you pull a Bart Simpson: “I didn’t do it.” .

His short prison experience was an eye opener too. We visited him regularly and he called and wrote to us with updates. There is a very fine line between the guards and the prisoners.

If he had been caught selling $60k of meth I would not have been so supportive. let me think, where is my minimum? Hmmm… Drugs? If he had been caught with even one I would not have been so supportive. Drinking? If he had a car accident and was arrested for DWI I would not be so supportive. Violence? Intentional property destruction? I would not be so supportive.

There is a problem with the law. Everyone should know about it.

It’s always a tough call, one thing that needs to be thought about before making any decision is the fact that it things do not just change overnight. This was an obvious process for the individual to get to the state of mind that he is at, and unfortunately he’s at the point where human intervention may be too little or too late. It’s quite apparent that yes, you may want to distance yourself cause at the end of the day it is an issue that he needs to resolve on his own but not until he is involved in receiving some additional help from qualified professionals.