Could you tell me if I am out of order please?

You are not a bitch and I applaud you for taking a stance. At 34 you have the right to not be blackmailed by mummsy.

No, this is nonsense. If these people are not in your life, you don’t have to get them anything just for your mother’s sake. She wants to get them gifts, fine. Next time she says you don’t care about them, say ‘yes, I don’t…and they don’t care about me, guess we’re even.’

Thank you. It’s hard to know sometimes if I am in the wrong or not. @Simone_De_Beauvoir I don’t know if I am that brave but I would love to say that. She just makes me feel so bad sometimes.

@Headhurts I know. My mother makes me feel awful all the time, she’s a terrible person. And she lives with me, because I’m not a terrible person and will take care of her. Boy, will things be easier when she’s gone. Point is, certain things in our mothers can’t be changed and changing our responses has more efficacy but still very hard to do.

Heavens, no. You’re not being a bitch. In fact, you lasted far longer than I would have!

You aren’t wrong for not buying a gift during a nominally gift-giving season or event, even if you love and are closely involved with the people you’re not buying gifts for. Whether you give a gift or not at particular times is not a reflection or measure of your love or worth as a human. (It is awkward, uncomfortable and culturally out of line to accept gifts from people that you’re not exchanging with, but that’s a different story.)

Now, if I hadn’t heard any of this beforehand, I might ask you to examine your motives for having removed yourself from this family situation for so long and with so little contact. (I’ve done the same from two of my siblings for reasons that I’m not going into now, so I understand why this can happen sometimes.) If this is an indication of how some of your family behaves toward you “normally” – I had to use scare-quotes on the word, because that isn’t “normal”, even among people who can be somewhat avaricious around Christmastime – then it’s perfectly understandable to me why you left.

Furthermore, I don’t think there would be anything wrong with you “admitting” to the criticism (if it’s accurate). If I were you I would freely admit, “You’re right. Absolutely right. I don’t give a f¥$k about you. Are we done here?” It might be hard for you to admit, but maybe it would help you to feel less conflicted when this kind of thing occurs.

On the other hand, if you do give a f¥$k about them, then perhaps it would be worthwhile to self-examine or discuss with someone removed from your family and your psyche why you have removed yourself from all contact.

You are NOT a bitch, and like others, I applaud you for taking a stance. Christmas should be about good will, not gifts, so send her a card with a short, hand-written note and you will have done the right thing for yourself and for her.

I am confused. You are buying gifts for people you haven’t seen and mailing the gifts to them? With a card, I presume? Are the recipients not confused as to what is going on? You never hear from them? They don’t contact you to thank you? That in itself would make me done done done with the whole thing.

I would tell my mother that I am done and I am sticking to my guns. That she is even asking you this question in September tells me she is looking to start a fight over it. I would tell her you are not going to be discussing this matter any further.

Good grief, @CWOTUS. Some families just aren’t close.

Your response to her is,“You’re right, Ma. I don’t give a fuck about them. Here is my wish list for my Christmas gifts. Four months should give your sibs plenty of time to shop for me.”

You put on your “big girl pants”, that is okay.

“I am 34 years old…”

Stop letting mommy control you. Take a stand and don’t back down no matter what she says. You barely know these people; there’s no reason to buy them a Christmas gift.

Do they send you something every year?

My response to your mom’s ridiculous comment would be, “You’re right. I don’t give a fuck about them. Deal with it.”

Edit: I just read the other answers and realized I said the exact same thing. Excuse me for being redundant. :)

Congratulations for standing up to this nonsense. Are they 8 years old?!?!?

They are adults.and unless they are disabled are capable of buying something for themselves. (You didn’t mention whether or not they get something for you.)

Don’t let anyone blackmail you into anything.

No. She’s the bitch. If you haven’t had any contact with the relativea, I assume they are not sending gifts to you. Remind your mother of this. Also, most families I know of, stop exchanging gifts with their sibling’s kids when the youngest finishes school. Your mother appears to be wrong. I’d remind her that you are 34 years old and will make you own decisions, thank you. Send a card if you wish. Be prepared for your mom not to speak to you for a while. Do not give in.

@CWOTUS I haven’t removed myself from them. I have never been a part of them. I have moved areas so therefore I am no where near them. We don’t contact each other because we have never been close. They are my mums family.

@jca I have met them, I just haven’t seen them for around 10 years. What normally happens is my mum comes here to collect the gifts and then takes them over, they then send me a text to say thanks.

@livelaughlove21 They do send me something. As we don’t know one another we just send each other a bottle of wine of some chocolates. Something meaningless.

I know it is extremely early, I think it is because she knows that this is a fight we have every year, and a fight I am sick of.

@Sunny2 Exactly, it’s all very stupid.

Silly to devote energy to this meaningless issue every year. I would text them (since that’s how they thank you for your gifts) and tell them you’re very busy this year and let’s not do the gift exchange. I’m sure they’ll be fine with it, they probably dislike it, too. Then tell your mom that you’ve gotten in touch with them and you all agreed not to do the gift exchange. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. No, you don’t owe your mom an explanation but I would tell her just so she can shut up about it.

If they do not buy you gifts, then you have no obligation.

If they do buy you gifts, then I suggest an early card suggesting that you all stop the practice.

Tell your Mum to butt out.

Good for you for setting boundaries, always hard with mothers, but it has to be done. And tell your mom it is not acceptable for her to speak to you that way.

It seems like they don’t care either if it’s been 10 years. Anyhow, it’s pretty materialistic to think that the holidays are all about gifts. Sounds like a load of shit. I am on your side and no, you are not out of order.

Tell her if she continues with this “emotional blackmail” that Santa won’t bring her anything this Christmas either… Well maybe a lump of coal.

You say that you “never hear from” your aunt and uncle. Does this mean that they can’t be bothered thanking you for your gifts (or even acknowledging receipt of them)?

Have you tried mentioning this to your mother? Year after year, you spend your money, time, and effort buying/sending these gifts, but you never get so much as a simple postcard telling you that the package arrived and, by the way, thank you?

I’m guessing, too, that your aunt and uncle never send you any gifts. But, I wouldn’t mention this part to your mother. She’ll likely lecture you about how you should give from “the goodness of your heart,” and that true generosity asks for nothing in return.

It’s very possible that your relatives don’t want these gifts. Most of us stop exchanging gifts after childhood; otherwise, a person’s drawers, closets, and shelves get filled with needless things. Your aunt and uncle might even wonder why the heck you, someone with whom they have no relationship, keeps sending all those packages.

Gifts for the sake of habit don’t mean anything. You’re fine, your mom needs to know how you feel.

@Headhurts So sorry, but I’d missed your post in which you say that your aunt and uncle do (1) send thank-you text messages and (2) give you small gifts via your Mum. In your original question, you said that you never hear from them, and I took that statement literally.

Ok, so you do have limited contact with them, and you have their email addresses and/or cellphone numbers.

The holidays are fast approaching. This year, how about if you head-off Mum in advance and contact your aunt and uncle directly? You can explain that, as much as you enjoy the annual gift exchange, you’d prefer to skip it this year. You can say that you’re short on cash and time these days. You can ask if they’d be willing to send cards instead of presents.

If your aunt and uncle agree, there’s not much that Mum can do about it. My guess – they’ll be relieved that they’re no longer expected to spend money and buy a gift for someone they barely know.

Edit: didn’t read other responses.

They probably will be glad to not have to deal with the silliness of buying a meaningless gift themselves. This is ridiculous in my opinion. Forget your mom being the go-between. Send them a card yourself.

A nicer gift might be actually getting in touch with them or planning to see each other if that appeals to you at all? If I were your aunt I would love that assuming there was not horrible that had happened between us. I am not suggesting for Christmas, I mean in general. I don’t understand putting so much emphasis on a Christmas gift, but I’m Jewish, and never understood this horrible obligation to gift giving, especially among adults. Although, I do understand to some extent, since we do Christmas with my husband’s family, but only trade gifts if we are together on Christmas, we never send through the mail or via another person delivering the gift.

@SadieMartinPaul My mum’s brothers wife texts me a thank you. I don’t hear from her sister at all.

The people I have told in real life say that gifts don’t need to be exchanged after the age of 18.
I am going to stick to this, every year I have given in because she makes me feel so bad. She cannot make me feel like this anymore.

@Headhurts Do you have any interest in knowing your aunt or uncle better? They might help fill a void that your mom has seemed unable to provide.

@JLeslie When I lived in the same town as them i would never visit, unless my mum made me. I always felt the odd one out. They are very different to me. I have never got on with them. I have no interest, and I’m sure neither do they.

@Headhurts I see. I think a card is plenty. At least it keeps some sort of family acknowledgment going. I do think family is very important, and at your age possibly you would have a different, better, relationship with them than 10 years ago. You have gone from practically teen years to well into adulthood since you spent time with them. However, I also know some family just do not get along and are more of a drain psychologically than helpful.

@JLeslie I would always send a card. I just never got on well with my mum’s side of the family, even her mum and dad. My grandma (my dad’s mum) was wonderful, I saw her every weekend, would call every day and send her flowers as much as I could.

I guess then the only real decision is whether it is worth it to stand up to your mother, or just buy small gifts to shut her up and make her happy. That’s what it is about most of all isn’t it? It doesn’t matter if most of the world thinks it is ridiculous to keep this little Christmas gift giving thing going or not, it just matters that your mom thinks you should do it either out of obligation, custom, or for some selfish reason like she feels it reflects badly on her if you don’t. The people who have a lot of shoulds have a lot of anger usually, so I guess you might catch her wrath if you don’t submit to her wishes/demands, but submitting can feel like getting run over by a truck or a rape. Depending on the thing and how you feel about it.

If you can go along without it sapping your soul, just do it without a fight and make her happy. If you can’t do it anymore, because it just feels wrong and ridiculous and you won’t be forced by guilt and manipulation, don’t do it, and deal with the consequences of that decision. I lean towards not buying the gifts and just sending a card.

@JLeslie You are so spot on there. Last year when I said I weren’t going to do it anymore, she said it was common courtesy for me to and that if I didn’t, how would she explain it? That it would look bad for her because she would have to face them. Sod it, I’ve made my mind up, I will not do this. All my life I have done as she wanted, to please her, no more.

@Headhurts I doubt she will have to explain anything. Send your cards out early, not now obviously, but by December 3rd, and your relatives will already have that in hand. Does she really think your aunt and uncle are going to ask, “where is my gift from your daughter?” Your likely will only have to explain something if she starts babbling about it herself. When they give her your gift, she just has to say, “thank you.” The following year, or maybe it will take two, your aunt and uncle will likely stop getting you a gift and be glad not to have to buy one more thing.

@JLeslie Exactly, thank you.

It’s unfortunate that your mum has to use “emotional blackmail” at all to convey some point for you to do what she requests. It sounds like this is the “better angel of her nature” and it’s sounds very discouraging from the outside looking in. First and foremost as a mother she should have encouraged some sort of family communication between the three of you before implying that you must buy gifts for people that lets be honest resemble strangers to you. Very inappropriate behavior but you are 34 and are more than capable of making your own decisions without mum’s coercion.

To add to my previous two responses, I am now curious, after reading others’ questions, if the family ever indicates to your mom (that you know of) that they would like you to visit during the holidays? If they do, and you make an attempt to get together with them, this might help you feel more connected and warm toward them. Like @JLeslie points out, if you are in your early thirties, you have not seen them since your teens or young adult hood. Things are probably different for you now, and they’ve probably changed, as well. If you feel your mother will be manipulative or controlling, keep her out of the visit.

If you can have a positive relationship with these people, it can be a good thing.

@jca I last saw them when I were 24. They ask how I am but don’t ask to see me. We have never got on, so no reason for them to. Neither of us made any effort when we lived in the same town. We have each others numbers and addresses and neither of us use them. We are very distant. We don’t want, or need a relationship with each other. They are only my mothers siblings.
When I did see them, we never, or should I say, hardly spoke to each other, because we have no interest.

@Headhurts: OK so it’s clearer now. My previous advice stands. Text that there’s no need for gift exchange due to busy lives and all that. Send a card with some cheery sentences in it and tell your mom to head her off at the pass. That’s what I would do. If your mom says she’s worried that she will have to explain, tell her no need because you already explained, everybody is on the same page and they’re all fine with it. If she is mad beyond that, then that’s her problem, not yours.

@jca I am going to stick to this this time.

^^ Your mom is being a bully. You probably have other issues as well. It’s definitely time to stand up to her. Do it kindly, but firmly. You’re not her “little girl” anymore. Her method is to make you feel guilty. Don’t accept that guilt.

@Sunny2 I’m not. I have enough to deal with without her.

I exchange birthday and holiday gifts with just two adults. The first is my brother. We’re very close and know each other extremely well, so we always come up with items that the other person will truly appreciate, use, and enjoy. The second person’s been my best friend since we were teenagers. Ditto on knowing each other’s tastes and wants.

When I receive a present from anyone else – for example, my husband’s parents are big on gift-giving – of course I’m grateful for the kindness and generosity. But, the truth is, I have more beautiful scarves than I can wear, more evening bags than I’ll ever use, and bottles of expensive perfume that gather dust.

My birthday was last week, and my mother-in-law asked if I’d like some additional service pieces for my wedding china set. My goodness – I have 3 complete sets of china (my own, my mother’s, and my grandmother’s). I have no space to keep all this lovely stuff, so it’s all wrapped in protective cases and put away in storage. The last thing I need is another platter or bowl to wrap and store.

@SadieMartinPaul At least they asked before they bought you additional china. LOL. Why don’t they just give you money? Not that I think you should ask for it.