How should I handle this situation with my mother-in-law?

Your hubby needs to be the one to communicate with his mother, in my opinion.

He needs to make it clear there’s a limit to how long she can stay. You should tell your hubby in the beginning that there’s a strict limit on his mom’s being able to stay. There should be no misunderstandings between you and hubby or hubby and his mommy. Everyone should be on the same page.

You should tell your mother that the situation with your mother in law is very temporary, so she is not hurt by this.

Oh man, sound tough. I totally get it though, because my mother and mother-in-law are both in and out of relationships to a degree.

You know hubs and I don’t have kids, we have a 3 bedroom, and my mom stayed with us for like three months, and I about lost it. I love my mom, but just having someone there all the time, having their friends over, never being alone, never running around naked, it was really really tough.

I don’t recommend it for either mom, honestly. Good luck.

I think @jca is right, that your husband should be the one to state the end date – but it might be a good idea for you both to be in the room when he does. Might he cave under pressure because he feels bad for her and make concessions that you’re not prepared for? Have that conversation with him before the talk with his mother.

And definitely be prepared for your mother to be deeply hurt and possibly angry. That might not be fixable under the circumstances.

Finally, my sister and her husband had to live with his parents during a tough time, and it just about killed her and their marriage. Stick to your guns about the short term. Good luck!

I think, also, if you are living beyond your means that is something that you should take a look at. Having a relative live with you is not really a good solution for living beyond your means. You should look at your budget and lifestyle and make adjustments accordingly.

First of all, your mom came up with a “let’s suppose I do this scenario” it was not an actual situation where she’d be living in her car or a rooming house until she found an apartment situation….right???? So, that, if anything comes up from her about this I’d simply say “His mom was in an immediate need for assistance situation, and we had the means and room to assist her with”. I’d be direct, to the point, and not leave room for her to wheedle a guilt trip or manipulation in.

Second, this sounds like a perfect situation for you, your husband and your MIL. MIL will be able to keep her job and her paychecks coming in so she can save up while looking for an apartment. You and your husband will get a bit of money while knowing she is away from the BF no one cared for, and whom likely didn’t care enough to keep her safe during a major life transition.

Third, no one can enter your marriage unless you allow it. If you know your MIL is easier to get along with than your mom, then go with that. Trust your gut.

We own our home with my mother. It isn’t a perfect situation, but is quite ideal financially (& in plenty of other ways) for all involved. It can work, if you all work at finding the right balance.

I think don’t overanalyze it. Your MIL needs a little help, because of an unexpected situation. I don’t see any reason to think she will want to stay with you unending, unless there is something you haven’t told us.

Honestly, one of the things I tell people who are quick to cut off from their families (I am not saying that about you) and who really don’t value blood relationships is that when times are the worst is when your family comes through. We can count on family when friends can’t be counted on. It is very difficult to intrude on someone else’s life and ask for this type of big favor. Crashing with married friends, especially who have children, or asking them for money is almost impossible. But, we can do it with family. Not that it can be abused, then eventually it gets old, and even family gets tired of it. But the one or two times in life we hit bad bumps in the road, family is usually the primary source to carry us through. If you can help his mom I think do it. Let your husband talk to her once she is a little settled about what her plan is and then go from there.

I agree your mom will likely feel sad and jealous, and even angry if you are ok with his mom staying with you, but not her. However, she is a different person, and she will have to acceot you could never probably live with her for any extrended period of time, if that is how you feel. I understand it, really I do. If my dad lived with me it would be extremely difficult, but I think my mom or inlaws would be fine.

Gee – my spouse of nearly 40 years left me and both my kids were 3,00 miles away. I got myself back on my feet, although I did visit each of them over the first Christmas and New Year’s. Three months sounds like a fair amount of time to have her stay.

@jca “You should look at your budget and lifestyle and make adjustments accordingly.”

Living outside of our means is a recent and temporary situation. Like I said, I graduate from college in December and will be getting a full time job. I lost my on-call job right before this semester started and I cannot find another job because I tailored my schedule so I could work at my last job and now my availability is so limited that no one will hire me. We had a little money saved up and so my husband told me to just focus on school and not worry about money. However, that’s impossible for me to do. The money we have is slowly dwindling and, while he’s supposed to be getting some overtime at work soon, nothing is set in stone and it stresses me out.

It’s life. Things happen even when you make the right choices. We did not choose to be living outside of our means for awhile, and we do not spend unnecessarily.

@JLeslie ”...when times are the worst is when your family comes through”

I wish that was always true, but it isn’t. That’s a whole other discussion, though.

@janbb That’s great. However, she has no money saved up and nowhere to go. She and her boyfriend have been going through hard times financially (one of the causes of the breakup) and all of her money went to their bills. She had $20 to her name on Saturday when this happened.

If she had been with this guy for a year, I’d be less empathetic. Married or not, 14 years is a long time and I think it’s understandable for her to need some help. She doesn’t make a whole lot of money and supporting herself alone will be a challenge in itself. I know that if my husband left me, I’d be on my mom’s couch for awhile. Not everyone has the means to dust themselves off and move on so quickly.

@livelaughlove21 I know it is not always true, but it is usually the best shot. You can be the family member that is there in times of crisis, which I think is a very nice thing, and one day a relative might be there for you. Although, I would support you in saying you can’t let anyone take advantage of it, or have it interefere with your marriage. There are limits.

I appreciate it more now as I get older. I can’t imagine staying with any of my friends for a month. When I was 25 I could imagine crashing with all of them.

I’m the first to say I fear this scenario myself, having lost my home and assets this last year as well. Losing ones financial and living freedom is a huge challenge, especially in middle age. I was used to helping my daughter and now it frightens me to think I might really need her help at some point.
I think that unless your parents were abusive screwups that kids should do what they can to help when times get tough for their parents.

After all they were there for you for decades and decades. No healthy adult wants to be dependent on anyone but…shit happens and as long as your MIL is not going to be a huge emotional burden, and you have an agreement on how long she can stay and what she can do to contribute to the household, monetarily and otherwise you should help her out during this time of extreme transition.
As far as your own mother goes, yes, I’d stick to the “immediate and desperate need” line, and if she wants to feel upset that is her problem. She is not the party facing homelessness and poverty at this time.

It’s a matter of dire straights not sentimentality and certainly not childish competition for favorable treatment.

@livelaughlove21 You’re right. I didn’t mean to sound unempathetic. I thought you were describing more of an emotional crisis than a financial one but it any case, if you can help her, that’s great.

I think that you should assume that she can handle her own emotional business and say, “Mom-in-law, we would love to help you get on your feet so we can offer you a place to stay for three months until you can find something else.”

Absolutely agree with @marinelife. If you want to enjoy and hold on to the life you describe—We like our little family, us and the pup and kitty, and our quiet, boring pre-children life—you must set rules and boundaries and move-out deadlines now.

I think your mother will be hurt when she finds out. I’m not sure why you made an exception for his mom but not your own. I’m afraid there probably isn’t too much you’ll be able to say to your mom that will make her feel any better about the situation. But as far as making sure you don’t find yourself with an unwanted roommate for more than your 3 month maximum, you’ll need to be open and honest with his mother about your concerns. I would have him do most of the talking, but be there for support.

@ItalianPrincess1217 “I’m not sure why you made an exception for his mom but not your own.”

From the original question…

“My mom was hurt by this, of course, but she’s very hard to get along with and I know it would put a strain on my marriage.”

“I love my mother-in-law and if anyone were to live with us, she’d be my choice.”

What’s there to be unsure about? Like any other two people, they have completely different personalities – one of which is compatible with my personality and that of my husband and one that makes me want to pull by hair out and scream. I love my mom, but I simply can’t live in the same house as her.

@livelaughlove “When my mother asked if she could stay with us if she ever left my step-father, I said no. My husband and I never wanted anyone to live with us again. We like our little family, us and the pup and kitty, and our quiet, boring pre-children life.” This is the part that confuses me. You had decided you didn’t want anyone living with you. I get that. I understand wanting to live alone. But then you allowed your mother in law to stay with you guys anyway. So I’m trying to see things from your mom’s point of view, because you made it clear that her feelings were of concern. “I’m worried that my mom will be insulted when she finds out about this. We won’t let her stay, but my mother-in-law can? It’s sort of a kick in the face.” It is a kick in the face. She probably will be hurt. She might not understand your reasoning. So just be prepared for this. Try your best to explain why you made an exception for his mom. But don’t be shocked if she doesn’t forgive and forget.

@ItalianPrincess1217 The difference is that my mother-in-law needed a place to go immediately. If she didn’t stay here, she’d be sleeping in her car. I said no to my mom when she asked about the possibility of needing to go somewhere else. If it came down to it, we’d probably let her stay too, but only if she had no other options. All she knows, however, is that I told her no. And of course her feelings are a concern. Just because I don’t want to live with her doesn’t mean I don’t care about her.

We want to be alone, but this was an unexpected situation.

Update: I think she’s going back to him. Not a huge surprise, to be honest. We’ll know by tomorrow night.

An update, per request by @jca…

She got back with the boyfriend and didn’t move in with us. They’re still together and no break ups since then.