Do you like others to find your s/o attractive?

If my SO makes herself attractive, either for her own self esteem, or for my enjoyment, others may find her attractive as well. Its a lot more common for other men to have to learn to tolerate when people are attracted to their female SO, because western standards for attractiveness are much more narrow for women then they are for men.
But I feel that women may feel that they see a unique gem in their man, and get upset if others are mining for it.
I trust my wife, and it does not bother me of other men find her attractive. It is a logical consequence of her desire to be beautiful.

Yes, I do. it makes me feel proud that I am the one they chose. If you trust them, why would it bother you unless other women were throwing themselves at him.

There are more things in life, Headhurts…...

One of the best dates my old girlfriend and I had was one time when we were going to the opera, and went out for a very nice dinner at a posh restaurant. My GF was wearing a special new very stylish long dress, and had really gotten her hair done up nice, she was drop dead gorgeous.

It was fun to whisper to her how the other women in the restaurant were obviously jealous and checking her out, and the men too. It was something special between the two of us.

Well, I look at other lasses tits so i’d be a hypocrite if I objected when other blokes do likewise with my missus, so long as they’re not too fucking blatant.

Sometimes it makes us giggly and other times it makes us both terrifically uncomfortable. It depends on the context and the means through which we ascertain their attraction.

I don’t mind it at all, as long as it isn’t done in a way that makes her uncomfortable.

I love it. It proves I have good taste.

@Headhurts, my brothers wife was like you and it almost tore their marriage apart. The last straw was when she got jealous when he hugged our beautiful sister at our little brothers funeral and she got jealous and threw a fit because he wasn’t attending to her needs.
They decided to give Recovering Couples Anonymous a try.
It has been a long hard road and although she still has issues, she is much much better.
If you don’t get a handle on this it’s going to tear you two apart.

It’s a bit of an ego boost for me, I’ll admit, when someone else checks him out or says he’s attractive. It definitely doesn’t bother me – I’m not the jealous type.

When we volunteered to run a beer truck at Pride a couple years ago, he was hit on by guys all day. One guy told him he stood in the long ass line even though he hates beer just to get a better look at Josh’s body. Another guy said, “I just wanna wrap you up and put you under my Christmas tree.” He was a little cocky after that, and it made me all proud that I had snagged a hottie. If those dudes were women, I would’ve felt the same way. Most women aren’t quite so bold, though.

In general, I like it.

I feel it makes me look good as well, to be married to a woman as attractive as my wife is…

I like it to a degree, although I’m still a little jealous if he flirts in front of me, but that’s my own esteem issues, not his fault. :) Girl, you gotta try to get over this jealous streak!

Yeah, @Headhurts, your jealousy issues are trouble. I used to think your infatuation with him was cute – like how many of us feel at the beginning of our relationship, but now it seems a bit obsessive and perhaps possessive. No bueno.

I like it! Can look but not touch or go for him! I am the jealous type too odd huh?

If I were with someone and I thought he was attractive and everyone else thought he was ugly, I would question my taste.

I like it. He gets a lot of attention from “bears” and “bear-chasers” in the gay community. He’d get even more if he let his beard grow again.

I don’t mind it. He doesn’t live in a bubble with just me…why shouldn’t other people find him attractive?

I am with a man that is far too good for me. He’s so attractive and could have anyone. I am nothing but the shit on someones shoe. He is an outrageous flirt. He likes women wanting him. I used to work with him, I know how he flirts, and the thought that he still does this breaks my heart. He could leave me for anyone. The thought of women wanting him the way I do, looking at him the way I do, makes me physically sick.

Girlie…you have got to work on your self-esteem. I think it may be at the root of your jealousy issues. You said it yourself, “He’s so attractive and could have anyone.” He chose you, so clearly, you are not “nothing but the shit on someones shoe.”

@Headhurts I hate to say it but you haven’t changed much from your earlier days at Fluther. You need to cut this shit out.

Work on your self-esteem.

@Headhurts Oh honey, that is not healthy!!! If he pushes your insecurity buttons by his behavior, you know your co-dependency can lead you into dangerous places.

And work on your self-esteem and independence, PLEASE! You make him sound like Christian on 50 Shades- lol!! If you haven’t read that, maybe you need to.

If you want me to leave then just say it and I will go.

@Headhurts NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PM if you need to talk.

I don’t want you to leave, if you do i’m going to find you & slap you across the face with a curly wurly.

@ucme I love curly wurlys.

I don’t think anyone is trying to bully you or have you leave. We like you but are just frustrated because you are in so much pain and don’t seem able to get out of it. And if he is making your self-esteem worse, maybe you need to work on that issue.

@Headhurts They’re delicious aren’t they? I prefer a wagon wheel myself.

Not bullying you. Just wish that you’d get help.

@janbb I am trying, I am really trying.

@ucme Didn’t think you could still get Wagon Wheels, they were horrible though.

@Mama_Cakes I know you weren’t, just didn’t want to hang around if no one wanted me here.

@Headhurts I truly know it is hard to break destructive patterns built up over a lifetime.

In my opinion, if he is an “outrageous flirt” in front of you, that’s not good and not healthy for your self esteem.

If someone is flirty with another person in front of their SO on occasion, it’s one thing but if they’re the way you make him sound, that would not be acceptable for many people.

@Headhurts You seen Rush yet? Get your lad to take you.

@jca He doesn’t do it in front of me.
@ucme No, really want to though. Better than what we are watching now, Grand Designs!

If I do like others to find my significant other attractive I am only fulfilling my own selfish needs.

If I don’t like others to find my significant other attractive I am only fulfilling my own selfish needs.

Looks like I just need to worry about how I feel about my significant other and let everybody else take care of themselves.

@Headhurts Ha, don’t watch them shows, just finished watching the footy.
The wife will be watching Wentworth soon, give me fucking strength :(

@ucme He has the remote after the soaps have finished, so obviously it’s all crap until bed time.

@Headhurts: What concerns me about your self esteem is that, in my opinion, someone with very low self esteem is ripe to be taken advantage of, walked on, treated badly if they allow it.

How do you know he is “outrageously flirty” if you are not present? He tells you? That seems like an odd thing to tell someone. “You should have seen me flirt with the secretary today!”

@Headhurts Yeah, that sounds familiar, soap time is wifey time, I don’t get a look in.
I don’t mind Hollyoaks though, if only for the fit birds :)

@jca No, he doesn’t tell me. I worked with him, he flirted with me. He used to flirt with clients on the phone. I once asked why he did it, he said it was an ego boost. He doesn’t need one, I tell him all the time how good he is. I’ve asked him recently if still does it and he says no, but I guess that is to keep me sweet.

@ucme Bet you like the soaps really, Paul said he hates them but always watches them and reads up on them in the weekend tv mag.

@Headhurts No seriously, I can’t stand Eastenders or Corrie, I can tolerate Emmerdale & Hollyoaks, but that’s as far as it goes.

@Headhurts How can you expect someone else to love you if you have no love, or even respect, for yourself? Perhaps therapy would be a good idea for you. If this continues, I don’t see how a relationship with anyone will work. You’re putting this guy up on a pedestal like he’s Jesus or something. He’s not – he’s a human being and you need to be know that you deserve him or he holds all the power in the relationship. That’s not good. It should be 50/50 and, from what I’ve heard from you recently, it’s more like 95/5. That’s how unhealthy relationships start. You shouldn’t be in a relationship if your idea of yourself is nothing but shit on someone’s shoe because, if you think that, why would the person you’re with think differently?

My boyfriend is attractive. I don’t care if other people notice.

It is almost essential for me that my S/O be attractive. Not outstandingly beautiful but pretty. I don’t know why. What does attractiveness mean anyway? It is a mystery to me.

If he makes you feel unworthy then he’s not the right person for you. You need to be with someone who makes you feel like the most amazing woman in the world. If you feel like a piece of shit then why would you want to be with him?

It’s a double edged sword, yes because it proudly displays what I see in my S/O all the elements and substances that make them amazing, not only physically but to how I feel about them. No, cause it creates too much attention…..............

Nah… I want everyone to think my partner is ugly.

My dear, sweet, beautiful @Headhurts…... I understand where you’re coming from, I have a few jealousy issues myself. I’m not nearly as bad as I once was. I hate to see you like this! I can see that all your worries are tearing up your insides. You have to stop. He’s with you, he loves you. You have to trust that he’s doing the right thing. My fiancé put up with my shit for about a year. One day he just let me have it and it was pretty ugly, I’m not going to lie. It wasn’t so much my insecurity that pissed him off, it was the fact that he felt like I didn’t trust him and he felt like no matter what he did or said it would never be good enough. That was a huge wake up call for me. I didn’t want to lose him, so I started keeping all my dumb shit to myself. As time went on it got easier and easier. We’ve been together for almost 2 years now.
I will tell you something else, I’ve seen your pic and you are gorgeous, whether you see it or not. He’s just as lucky to have you as you are to have him. Try to remember that when you’re worrying yourself sick about him leaving you for somebody else, ok? Ok!

Big ((((hugs)))) for you!

I am never threatened by others noticing the many wonderful attributes of my S/O. I am so proud of her and that she chose to be with me, I am not intimidated when others notice.

I never said he makes me feel unworthy. I said I am unworthy. I shouldn’t be with someone this attractive and sexy. All my life I have dated men who I was kind of on a par with, if not a bit better. In fact I was insecure with them as well. Even when I never loved them. With Paul, I just can’t believe my luck. I still get butterflies when I look at him.

@Katniss I never say anything to him. I have lost countless boyfriends from saying shit. I won’t be making that mistake again. He knows i am jealous of his ex and that’s it. That’s why I say it here.

I am with a man that is far too good for me. He’s so attractive and could have anyone. I am nothing but the shit on someones shoe
That sounds unworthy to me. If this were true and you loved him, you would leave him because you don’t give shit to someone you love. You need to recognize YOUR value. You need to know that he’s lucky to have you too or this will end miserably. Are you in counseling?

Yes, I am unworthy, not he makes me unworthy. Without him, I don’t have a reason to wake in the morning. I wouldn’t wash, I wouldn’t do anything. Now, I take care of myself. Been having therapy for 17 years. He says he’s lucky to have me, but I have to work hard at how I look.

Tsk tsk. Issues, man. Serious issues.

My boyfriend is the bees knees and I am not intimidated when others notice his awesomeness.

@livelaughlove21 Did I give the impression somewhere that I haven’t? I may not look in the mirror and think how hot I am, but I wouldn’t want to either.

I don’t mind. He is not going anywhere. And he feels the same about me.

@Headhurts No need to get defensive, it was simply an observation. You hadn’t responded to anything else I said – why would I think you’d respond to that? And one doesn’t need to look in the mirror and think about how hot they are in order to have a positive self-image. I certainly don’t.

17 years of counseling and you still feel the way you do about yourself. Has the counseling done anything for you at all? Maybe the problem is that you don’t want to change.

You’re completely dependent on this guy. You said yourself that you wouldn’t even get out of bed without him. That’s so unhealthy, and you seem to be in this mindset that this is just how you are, so why try to change it? It’s just really sad.

My guess is that your boyfriend knows way more about your insecurities, jealousy, and dependence on him than you think, and I wonder how he actually feels about it.

@livelaughlove21 Therapy has done sod all. I do want help or I wouldn’t pay £45 a week which I can’t really afford. If you read what I out properly, you will see that before I met Paul my life was even more shit than it is now. He gives me reason. I couldn’t be bothered before because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which I hope you never get to experience, and that is how it makes you feel. It makes you worthless and makes you want to give up.
As for him knowing much more, I’m sure he does. We live together. He knows I need him. In fact before I moved in I told him how pathetic I am and that I’m not a strong person. We have been together 6 years, and will marry when we move areas, whenever that may be. He doesn’t like my jealousy, but he doesn’t mind my dependance on him, in fact he quite likes that, which is just as well.

@Headhurts maybe time to think about a new therapist or different kind of treatment? I know that DBT is very effective with BPD.

@janbb i haven’t had the same therapist all this time. Been with my current one for about 2 month now. I would say he is probably the best so far. He listens. He says my feelings and fears will never change, says I’m too ‘involved’ with them, but says there are manageable which he is trying to get me to do. I have already stopped doing some of my checks, which I honestly believed would never happen.

@Headhurts “he doesn’t mind my dependance on him, in fact he quite likes that”

Oh, I’m sure he does. Many men would love having complete power and control over a woman’s entire life. They’d love to have a woman they can boss around and that loves to serve them hand and foot. What’s not to love about a submissive woman that thinks you’re some kind of god?

What does he being to the relationship, other than apparently being drop-dead gorgeous? What does he do for you?

@livelaughlove21 he doesn’t boss me around, though I would be quite happy for him to. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel secure. He looks after me. He gives me reason to live. He makes me look forward to waking up. He would give me the world if I wanted it. He is also very good in bed.

@Headhurts “he doesn’t boss me around, though I would be quite happy for him to”

Oy. I’m done here. I’m not a miracle worker trapped in a psychologist’s body, which would be greatly useful here. Your view of this dude really bothers me on a personal level, so it’s best I just shut up.

For your sake, I hope this relationship works. I wouldn’t want to know what would happen if it didn’t.

@livelaughlove21 Thanks, I was just about to post that I am going to stop following my own post. This is why I don’t like being in society. I am also not going to self harm any further for someone that is not real in my life.

” I am also not going to self harm any further for someone that is not real in my life.”

What does this mean?

@Mama_Cakes It means when my anxiety and frustration get too much for me, I self harm, and I have enough reasons in my life already to do this.

There’s a difference between humility and self deprivation. If you keep this up, eventually you have to ask yourself what you’re getting out of it.
Do you put yourself down because it lowers other people’s expectations of you?
Is it just easier to say, “I’m worthless” than it is to go out and do worthy things? If you’re not willing, these conversations can get pretty exhausting fast and if you act like Eyore all the time I’m sure your BF will get tired of it too.

I’m just honest, that’s all.

That’s a cop out. I’m sorry.

Ok

Tell me, in your mind, what does a worthy person look/act like?

Tough question, don’t really know, attractive, confident?

@Headhurts What are they doing with their lives apart from their looks?

She asked what they look like. I don’t understand what is happening here. This is really confusing. What do you want me to say?

I also asked what they ACT like. If you can’t define “worthy” then how can you make it a goal? What makes someone “worthy?” What is the difference between a “piece of shit on someone’s shoe” and someone who’s “attractive and could have anyone.?”

I think we’re asking you to dig a little deeper and grow a bit more.

Waste of time, people. Waste of time. People won’t change if they refuse to/don’t want to.

No one on Fluther could possibly help.

I can’t cope with this anymore.

@Headhurts Maybe we should all take a break and just let you think about things.

@Headhurts You need to get out of your own head. Really try. Get out there and volunteer, maybe. It may give you a sense of self-worth. There is more to you than your looks.

The kind of feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness are exactly what I was warning against in this thread, and why I think therapy should be the response for you and for the girlfriend of the OP in that question. You need to be able to lead your own life, regardless of whether or not someone else is in it – because you can’t control whether they can or will stay forever. You need to be able to stand up for yourself, and to care for yourself.

I hope things work out better for you with your new therapist. I’m wishing you well.

I don’t know what you all want from me. This is really hard. You all have no idea how much I am struggling. I don’t want this. I don’t want to feel like this. I want to feel normal, if just for one day. I want to feel good enough, I want to be what he deserves. I can’t do real life friendships. That is why I come here, for a bit of communication, but none of you understand how I am feeling. I am in bits here, literally. Paul asks me why I am crying, what can I say, Fluther is making me anxious? So I just say the programme I am watching is sad. Do I delete my account? I want to, butI don’t want to. My head is killing me, so much stuff going round and round. Despite what you think, I don’t want this life, i really really don’t. It is shit to be me and feel the way I do. I don’t deserve this. I don’t do anything wrong to people to feel like this. Im sorry you think I do.

@Headhurts This is why I am suggesting we all take a break from this thread. Rest and relax and nurture yourself for a while.

@Headhurts, sometimes it’s hardest just before a breakthrough. Please stick around, but stop following this thread if you think you need to.
If it helps, I will tell you what I think “worth” looks like. (this is really hard for me to do without getting all spiritual on you, but I’ll try. Let me know if you want the spiritual answer and I’ll PM you)
Worthy- Someone willing to be vulnerable, someone willing to recognize their shortcomings and work towards making them better, someone who is empathetic to the needs of others, someone who’s heart is soft and loves easily and well, someone who is kind, someone who defends the weak…...
Can you add anything?

@Judi I am like that though. I only know people I work with, but Although I don’t want to socialise with them, I care, I make them cake and buy them stuff when I go into own. I keep their secrets and hug them when they are sad. I love Paul and I take care if him pretty well. I love his parents, his mum recently broke her shoulder, I went round and cleaned her house, helped her shower and dressed her, and did her shopping. I am not heartless.

Then guess what? You’ve been lying to yourself. By my standard anyway you ARE worthy!
I suggest you put a sticky note on your mirror that says, “YOU ARE WORTHY!” and every morning when you bush your teeth read it out loud to yourself.

I’m not horrible inside.
@Judi Thank you..

Then you are really more concerned about appearance? Has your counselor ever mentioned Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

@Headhurts “I’m not horrible inside.”

Everyone here wants to convince you of this. We don’t feel that you’re horrible inside. We just don’t want you to feel that way, either.

@Judi Yes it is a co occurring illness of my BPD, I didn’t think it a big part of me until today.

Annnnndd…... She left us. :0(

I’m not surprised. if BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder then it’s really about control. One of the hardest mental illnesses to deal with. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for, the person who suffers from it or the people in their lives.

How strange. She was posting on other questions after this – I didn’t expect her to go. Hopefully she will come back, either as herself or under another guise.

She’s still here and just answered my question although her profile says she is gone. I think it is a Fluther glitch.

Maybe Fluther us trying to tell me something. I haven’t logged out yet, if I do then guess I won’t be here anymore. Just tried to view my profile and I’m gone.

@augustlan

Is @Headhurts’ disappearance while still being among us a glitch?

I hope so and that you can fix her to stay amongst us.

Seems to be a glitch of some kind. I’m going to reactive the account and contact her.