Why inflict pain?

Hard to know without details but maybe they weren’t real friends. skype is a wonderful thing.

I’m sorry. I wasn’t clear. This question is not looking for specific solutions about the crisis my friend finds herself in. It is general as asked in the last two lines of the details.

I don’t know why others may do this, but I can tell you why I did it to a friend recently. It’s simple: he did a terrible thing and I cannot imagine anything he could say that would lead me to understand his actions or to forgive him. I am sure he would try to say it was a misunderstanding, but sometimes deeds speak for themselves. So yeah, I’ll abandon him and ignore his attempts to contact. I grieve for the loss of the friendship we built, but he was no true friend if he could do what he did.

@wildpotato Yes, I agree. Some actions speak much louder than words.

I think that very few of us hurt others intentionally – those few who do are usually seen as being pathological.

Without any further details, I suspect that what has happened in your example is either that the “friends” are also feeling hurt, and are acting to protect themselves, or else they may not realize that their actions (turning away) are harmful – perhaps they do not think themselves close enough friends for it to be their responsibility to stick with her.

It sounds like they may also be asking, “What leads people to hurt other people?” Perhaps the misunderstanding will be sorted out in time.

Some people just hold onto grudges longer than others. Some things are unforgivable, I understand that, but when it is something that an apology should make things better and it doesn’t; well, I have decided being friends with people who hold onto grudges like that are not people I want to be friends with. The people I know like that tend to be insecure, and I think they get some sort of satisfaction feeling better than the other person. That making the other person feel horrible for an extended period of time is some sort of power thing. I am the opposite even sometimes when I am still hurt by what someone did, if they apologize and want to clear the air I do my best to release them from their torment of feeling badly for what they did. I want friends like that. I think when everyone trusts each other, trusts there is never mal intent, even though sometimes we do thingsvthat hurt others, then things can be forgiven.

I don’t know the exact situation your friend is having, but if it is similar to some things I have been through, I initially was very upset, it was a loss and I went through a grieving process. Eventually I got to the anger stage, fuck them for lording over me a mistake I made when I never meant to hurt anyone and I really feel badly about what transpired. I don’t mind giving someone some time of they were hurt badly, but it can only drag on so long and then they have become the mean ones. After I get through the anger and become apathetic, that’s when miraculously the person usually wants back into my life. If I let them in they will never be someone I really feel close to again. I can’t be very close to someone who can hate me like that for a prolonged time.

Hopefully your friend will move through the stages quickly and she will move on to make new friends fast.

If she were my friend I would tell her how awful I think those people are and share a story of my own to show empathy. That is if I understand the situations correctly and am not projecting too much.

Your idea (and your friend’s idea) of what constitutes “building a friendship” may be at wide variance with those others’ ideas. Alternatively, some breaches of etiquette, protocol, honor, etc. are essentially irreconcilable in some cultures. I take it that your friend is in a part of the world that is not native to her. Without knowing the breach or the attempt at reconciliation, it’s still hard to answer the rhetorical question.

And it may not be a deliberate attempt “to hurt your friend” as much as “I cannot accept what you did or said to such an extent that you are now dead to me”. In other words, ”We are so offended that we [meaning your friend’s crowd] are the aggrieved party here. Your apology, no matter how sincere, is meaningless; you have hurt us too badly.”

And it may be that the misunderstanding – whatever it was – created a rift which the others no longer want to attempt to bridge.

Without knowing the exact nature of what this woman did to be blacklisted by these friends, impossible to answer. Personally I will not tolerate lies, manipulation, or passive aggressive behaviors from others, not once, certainly not twice. I dumped a manipulative “friend” a few years ago and if in protecting myself and my values it inflicted pain upon her, well too bad. Liars and manipulators do not deserve to be kept around IMO.

I’d need to know more to determine whether or not this woman is has really been “victimized” by uncaring others, or if she brought it on herself.

People invariable follow the path of least resistance, even to their own detriment. It may be they turned on her because of some action or lack of on her part.

I know personally that I never intend to hurt a person. I also know that I do. Often the people I care most about and that hurt me. Because people are more vulnerable to people they open up to. But conflicting interests misunderstandings practical limitations or high expectations as well as people having to choose what their priorties are and that sometimes they shift in their path of growth.

All we can do is to keep on going. Keep putting ourselves out there. Sometimes I make the wrong decision on who to trust with how much. Sometimes other people do. But that doesn’t mean all is lost. Learn what you can from and understand that people drift in and out of our lives. That doesn’t mean they were all wrong or that I am. It is just gives me the opportunity to be open to more people and maybe find something I wasn’t looking for or didn’t know what I wanted.

I was reading a book the other day and it said that the people who are the happiest can’t see or appreciate or be moved by the beauty of small things or art. There is also the cliche hmm I can’t actually remember it but essentially that the grief and pain we experience carve into us a chasm that allows us to feel deeper joy then people whose cup is always overflowing.

I was talking to a friend today who went through some seriously rough times. Previous he was always so lucky who never had to fight or work for anything. He threw it away not purposefully he just never thought it would change. He said that going through all that he did although it was awful made him grow up and really made him look at himself and his priorities. He is grateful for that because he thinks it will save his life and wishes that he had his wake up call before he lost everything.

@Unbroken , So ignorance really is bliss? How depressing. If given a choice, I would forego bliss.

@Hawaii_Jake , I was contemplating asking the same general question. Where does cruelty come from? Children, for example, can be quite cruel, teasing and isolating other children. There is an interesting book on this, which I have not yet gotten around to reading.

The good news is that the general trend is toward nicer people. Over the long term homicide rates have been declining. A thousand years ago, if you had spoken of minority rights, people would not have disagreed with you. They would have had no idea of what you were talking about. Similarly with the idea of preventing cruelty to animals. Apparently there is something inside us that can pull us toward cruelty, but it can be overridden by social evolution.

@LostInParadise that was not the intended message at all. In fact ignorant people do not have the capability to appreciate bliss. They take it for granted.

Growing past pain is a beautiful thing it creates depth where smooth faced blandness never becomes anything without loss it is essential to growth. Character, wisdom and compassion are cultivated through mistakes failure and loss. People so afraid of risking it never achieve anything great and remain shallow surfaces that of untapped potential.

We are in agreement. Bliss may not be the right word. I don’t want to get into an argument over semantics. Maybe contentment would be a better choice, as in contented cows.

Glad we cleared that up.
I do think our path to social evolution is good. Sure we have a long way to go but overall we as humans have more time to work and problems and find solutions.

Unfortunately this is life. People hurt people. Sometimes they do it just because they can, or maybe through the influence of others. I would hope that a true friend wouldn’t do it. Can you really trust someone 100% not to hurt you?