When is it okay to date your friend's significant other?

I was faced with a similar situation. My ex from 5 years ago has a friend almost adopted brother that I was clicking with.

The friend asked my ex if it would be ok to date me. He said no. In fact I brought up the question shortly after but before the friend and I talked. He said that it was probably wrong, hes married and has a child, but he still had feelings me and just his friend asking made him jealous.

Part of the reason we were clicking so much was because they are a lot a like. Some shared traits and interests. But I had to realize that if I pursued it I would be wrecking something for selfish reasons. If it was short term it wouldn’t be worth it for sure.

Whoa! The girl is not and was not Joe’s girlfriend. And she is not his property. She doesn’t qualify as a “Significant Other” if they are “just talking”!

And if they are not really going out, she is free to go out with anyone, including your brother.

Your cousin should chill out and Joe should look for someone who wants to go out with him.

How about if it was a long term relationship and if two people truly felt a connection? When is that okay?

Also, I’d question if Joe really liked her because he didn’t want her to cut her hair short and was turned off by it. LOL Anyways, I really hate when my cousin puts me in the situation like this. Then she acts like a typical girlfriend turning everything I say into her own translation and uses it against me or an assumption. For example, when I said “They need to figure that out between them, it’s not our business” She replies “I thought I could tell you this but nevermind….” I’m like “Why do you say nvm?” She said “You are ending the conversation with ‘it’s none of our business to get into it’

LOL I’m like UGH…this is why I didn’t want to talk about it!

A month of an unofficial relationship doesn’t count as being Joe’s girlfriend, especially if she doesn’t want to be. He’s got no claim on her and she’s perfectly within her rights to date anyone else, including your brother.

I agree that it’s none of your business though, and none of Joe’s sister’s business either. You should both keep well clear of the drama that’s erupting.

What if it was long term? How long would it be appropriate to wait?

If the couple had been in a long term relationship, I would think it appropriate to wait a few months at least, to give them the opportunity to reconcile if they change their mind about the breakup.

I find the use of the term Ex to be far too widely used. I think of an Ex as a former spouse, not someone you were maybe talking to sorta for a month.

As to your theoretical question, the one who decides is the young lady involved, if she has moved on then it is her choice who she wants to date. And it sounds like in this case she was talking to your brother first,..not like he sought her out. And he did ask.

I think people should be grownups, and wish their “exes”, of whatever length or intensity, happiness in their future pursuits, no matter who with. Unless of course the new beau constitutes a threat to their well-being.

If it’s OK with your friend and the former s/o is willing, then you can date.

My son’s best friend was really tired of his ex girlfriend always trying to get back together, so he actually asked my son to take her out a few times. Sonny and girlfriend really hit it off and dated for over a year, sometimes with best friend and his date.

If the two never actually dated, there is no rule. If they did date for any length of time, I’d say asking is the best thing to do and the friend should not pursue the girl without his buddy’s blessing (bros before hos and all). If the couple was married, I don’t think the guy’s friends should even consider pursuing her.

In this situation, no one did anything wrong. He asked, got permission, and did what he got the okay to do. The ex can be upset all he wants but “joking” or not, he said it was alright. I think this is just a situation in which he didn’t really consider how it would feel if they dated and now he regrets saying it’s okay. Well, tough shit, that’s not the friend’s fault or his problem.

The lesson? Mean what you say.

@janbb GA 1,000,000x !!

@livelaughlove21 That whole “bros before his” thing is a lot of crap. I was in a fraternity in college; if a guy in the house and his girlfriend broke up, she was immediately eligible to be asked out by anyone else in the house.

It was not that rare for a girl to break up at our fraternity, and before she’d made it home someone had called her house and left a message (this was pre-cell phones). And that was perfectly legit.

It really depends on the feelings of everyone involved. Conventional wisdom and hard-and-fast rules really don’t cut it in such a complicated situation.

In a lot of cases, dating a friend’s ex will hurt that person’s feelings, and it will have more complications. Anyone considering it should act cautiously and keep their eyes open. I think there are some cases where you can go for it-

1) If the friend and the ex had a short, casual thing and parted amicably. No heavy feelings were involved and everyone is on good terms with each other.

2) If they dated long enough ago that everyone has completely moved on with their lives. For instance- your friend has been happily married for years. You attend your 20th high school reunion together, run into an old boyfriend of hers and feel a spark. That’s very different from poking at a fresh wound by dating a recent ex.

3) If you genuinely, after lots of thought and consideration and waiting a fair amount of time, believe this person is your soulmate. That word makes me want to barf, but I can’t think of any synonym with a less barf-y tone that still gets the meaning across. Life partner? Kindred spirit? Don’t exactly say the same thing.

So basically, you’ve given it a serious amount of thought, and if given the chance, you’d spend the rest of your life with this person. Not because of butterflies or infatuation, but because you share the same values, respect each other, you’re intellectually and emotionally compatible, in a once-in-a-lifetime kind of way. That doesn’t make it okay to hurt the friend’s feelings; it’s still a shitty thing to do and a decision that can’t be made lightly.

Dating a friend’s ex very much depends on the feelings of the friend involved. Everyone involved has to be mature, or it will probably turn into a giant shitshow.

In this case, it sounds like neither of the guys acted very maturely. Joe had a one-sided crush on a girl; that doesn’t give him any rights or ownership over her. She can date anyone she wants, including your brother. It sounds like your brother could have dated plenty of different girls, and wasn’t interested in one over another. But he chose to date this girl because she was available, even knowing that it might hurt Joe’s feelings.

@zenvelo Since when is anything that happens in a frat house indicative of real life? College guys are loyal to nothing except their dicks. Adults are supposed to have friendships built on mutual respect – not getting wasted and banging chicks.

@livelaughlove21 Yes, I know the fraternity system can be its own world. But the phrase “bros before hos” is supposed to be some type of fraternal honor system. And all I am saying is it is some kind of television honor saying that disappears as soon as someone breaks up.

Realistically, though, at college age, with a ten week quarter that includes midterms and finals, if one restricts dating to those who are not connected with someone else in proximity, the dating pool can be very small. So if someone you know was seeing someone for a few weeks and it didn’t work out, asking her out was not a big deal. But if she had dated a friend for a year or so, she’d probably say no, anyway, so that she can get distance from her relationship.

But speaking of college/university relationships, if a couple broke up in May/June, any kind of “off limits” would realistically dissolve over the summer and there would be no limits on availability in September.

@zenvelo I’m aware of how college relationships work. I’m in college, after all. And it may be the southern honor code, but here “bros before hos” starts in high school. I’m sure it varies from place to place. Regardless, I used that phrase with adult males in mind. I actually hate that saying, but it’s one everyone knows. Men should have a foundation of respect in their friendships. Boys are a different story, and being over 18 doesn’t necessarily make one a man.