I have a very close friend of 30+ years recently discover her husband enjoys dressing up in her clothes. She came to me worried that he's gay?

Whether he’s gay or not there are obviously problems in their relationship or at least sex life. I’m not sure whether a label would be helpful but I think some marriage counseling and communication are definitely needed! I think this is definitely a job for a professional and that plus being a sympathetic ear is the best thing you can offer her.

Seems he’s a cross-dresser, but that didn’t necessarily indicate that he’s gay. Being a gay man does not mean one wants to be a woman or enjoys wearing women’s clothes – it means they are sexually attracted to other men. Simple as that.

Lack of sex also does not necessarily mean he’s gay. Not having enough sex is a common problem in marriages. Are the pictures on his phone (the ones not of him) of women? If so, he’s probably not gay.

She’s obviously concerned and she needs to talk to him about this instead of you. There’s no way you have the answer here. She needs to sit down and have a conversation with her husband to sort out these issues.

@jnabb the pix on his phone are of women, she says in late 20’s early 30’s type –
I listen to her concerns, and allow her to be able to vent her frustrations out. I had suggested marriage counsling, but she doesn’t think he would go – I’ve also suggested she see a counsler herself, as they may have some advise to how to get him to open up to her. There are also facebook messages where he tells another, younger woman, that he likes ladies clothes – he just won’t open up to her. They have been married longer than I’ve known her…

A second vote for counseling for them. Being a transvestite does not mean one is gay. it just means one likes wearing the clothes of the other sex. But it is time to talk, and if it has been that long since they’ve had sex, they need a good long series of conversations.

There is much more in your short description of where they are than just one conversation will cover it. They need a counselor to provide guidance and keep it on track and not turn it into a blaming session.

I would get her to go to a counselor, but I really doubt that will help. They’ve got all these issues staring them in the face and she comes to you worried that he may be gay? She needs to wake up fast. They have major problems here.

First of all, I can’t believe she broke the confidentiality of marriage to discuss this with you rather than a professional.

Of course talking to her spouse and asking good questions, followed by counseling is what happens next.

Counseling isn’t going to work unless he wants to go. if she pulls him there against his will, then it’s going to fail.

She and he need to have a serious conversation FIRST.

I doubt he is gay. It is also not a problem unless deemed one by one partner.

Some people have fetishes that most of us will never understand, gay or straight. The majority of cross dressers are heterosexuals. Your friend’s husband could have some slight transsexual tendencies, or just a really bizarre way of getting aroused. It’s rarely a choice, it is usually an emotional imperative. I think they both should try to have an open conversation about his dressing and her feelings. If that doesn’t help then he should see a psychologist, who would probably spend some time going into his background and explore his emotions.

She needs to sit down with him and a mediator (like a therapist) and ask him honest;y what his sexual preferences are. Cross-dressing can be just that or he may be transgender. Whatever he is, she needs to know the truth and the whole truth before she can make any decisions.

“How do I help her? I’m lost on giving her any advice.”

This is problem with the conservative mind I feel. They want to “fix” people or “advise” people.
When my friends have problems taking them out is what works best. Let them know their life doesn’t have to be lived in one house with one person.

Just listen. Be there. Your friend (and her marriage) are in crisis. It’s not your job to fix. It’s your job to listen and support.

Yes, I’d advise counseling asap, however….the truth of the matter is, secrets destroy intimacy and it sounds like they haven’t had a “marriage” in a long time. If he will not open up to her and be 100% honest about his secret life, well…not much hope. The real danger I see is that she will stick around too long in denial and clinging to false hope that he will “change.”

Personally I think the situation is pretty much dead, he has been deceiving her for a long time and that doesn’t bode well for recovering a relationship.

As mentioned above, cross dressing does not equal gay. They’re not mutually exclusive, but they are not necessarily linked.

Many cross dressers (heterosexual or otherwise) hide their proclivity, fear mockery and derision, or otherwise feel that they cannot be honest with their partners – perhaps a general lack of communication and trust is an issue in the marriage.

Open communication and counseling would certainly be the direction to take.

People can be cross-dressers but not be gay. I had such an uncle.

Thanx for the help and advise – I don’t want to fix her – or fix her problem, I just was at a loss other than to listen and tell her to see a therapist. I thought for quite a while thier marriage was over, and agree the lack of communication and honesty can and probably did cause it – I feel bad after knowing they have been together more than 30 years, that he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to discuss any of this with her.
I’ll continue being a good friend and listen – along with encouraging her to get a conversation started, no matter how afraid she is to broach the subject.

@Skippy I wonder if it has anything to do with Halloween coming up? Maybe he’s losing a bet in NFL fantasy? Maybe he is gay? I like @Cupcake answer and mines combined. Taking your gf out can be fun for everyone!

People who cross-dress are very rarely gay. It also doesn’t necessarily mean that he has any desire to become female, although he might have some transgender feelings. For some people it’s just a fetish, like wearing pvc or furry animal suits is to others. I can understand his reluctance to talk about it with his wife; fears of how she might react, of how his family might react, feelings of shame etc. I’m transsexual, I’ve been there.

I agree that they both should see a counsellor, and the husband, if he has transgender feelings, should see one that speciallises in gender therapy.

Watch Woody Allen’s Everything you ever wanted to know about sex, but were afraid to ask There is more to it, but this is the only link I could find.

He’s almost certainly straight, and is a transvestite. She should first read up on the paraphilia and perhaps visit this website. Then have a talk with him. Determine if he has gender identity issues or just gets turned on by cross dressing. If it’s the latter, she can begin a process of bringing his paraphilia into their sex life, and she’ll probably find his libido returns with a vengeance. Of course, she’ll first have to learn how not to just laugh, because he may not make a very convincing girlfriend.

She should be delighted!
It is something they can do together.

He can just be a cross dresser, that does not mean your gay. It might end up that way, but he might not be gay now.