What do you do when your parents never come to accept the person you love?

You got some great advice on this topic a couple of years ago. It still applies. You’re what, 23 now?

“Sorry Mom, sorry Dad, but it’s my life, and this is the person I have chosen. Now it is time for you to make a choice. Drop the emotional blackmail, or I will be the one deciding who disowns whom.”

Seriously, life is too short to deal with people like that.

Only you know what’s best for you. Ask yourself if you would be better off with or with out him. If you wish you both can sit with your parents and have a calm, mature heart to heart talk. Tell them your thoughts whilst they are fully listening. Avoid it getting confrontational. You are old enough to make your own decisions in life. In the end you are the one who is going to stay with your partner for the rest of your life. So if its someone you love you should get married to them. The key is if you are sure about something stand up for it when the time is right. Believe in yourself and have faith, everything will work out. Hopefully, when your parents see that you are committed to the person you love and you both are living happily together they may come around.

This has happened to me with my dad. He disowned me because he doesn’t like my boyfriend.

Can you get some professional counseling? I think this might be to important to work out over the Internet.

If your parents decide that, that is their loss. Tell them that you love them, but you love him too. Also, that you are going to make a life with him.

Culturally, they may not come around, but in time they may.

You need to go forward and build the life that you want.

It’s good to have a support system such as your parents, but you can’t let them limit your life. You have to live the life you want to live and not let people stop you from doing that. Granted I haven’t heard their side of the story, I have to say that they do not seem very loving towards you. You definitely should let them know that you are not going to let them stop you from doing the things you want, and do it politely and respectfully of course. It may seem like you are taking them for granted, but they are taking you for granted by creating an image of who they want you to be.

Which one is your “go to” parent? The one you can have those difficult conversations with, the one that you ask for advice? Go to that parent, one on one, and talk this through, see if they can help you wear down parental resistance, over time.

If the relationship is going forward and marriage is next then what, children? Do your parents not want to know their grandchildren? I hope that’s not the case, but if so you need to imagine a life without them involved and plan accordingly. As was suggested, counseling may help identify additional ways to deal with this situation. Good luck!

I wonder what really bothers your parents most? That you want to be with someone outside of their ethnicity and culture (I knew some Asians who felt very strongly on this topic, but I also knew Asians who were very open) or just this guy in particular. Is it that he is Mexican, or would they feel the same about any caucasian or black person, anyone outside of their race? If they are going to object to anyone who isn’t Asian then that might be a bigger hill to climb then them just getting to know your boyfriend better and learning he is a good guy. Assuming he is a good guy.

Plus, as you get older they will feel less able to influence you and will likely give up trying to persuade you. Just make sure he really is the right go, no red flags, don’t be with him, because he is an escape from your parents. I am not assuming you are doing that. Eventually you will need to make your choice and your parents will have to accept it. This is your life, I assume you live in America, and in America you will have support from society for following your desires, rather than being obedient to cultural ones from your family. But, it is a difficult path, I am sure you don’t want your parents to dissapprove or be upset. Will your whole family shun you? Or, just your parents?

Also, hiatus means to take a break, I think you meant something else.

If your parents decide that, that is their loss. Tell them that you love them, but you love him too. Also, that you are going to make a life with him. Culturally, they may not come around, but in time they may. You need to go forward and build the life that you want.

This is wise advice from @marinelife, to which I add… if your parents won’t accept you (at least currently), you have to accept that it’s your mindset, not theirs, that has to change. Professional counseling will almost surely help you do that.

You realize that this is your life your parents had theirs and you ignore it.

In my first marriage my husbands family didn’t like me much. It made things really hard. After he died I swore I would never marry again unless his parents adored me.
It’s easy to say “Follow your heart,” but it is right to give this all serious consideration. Your relationship with your parents is a big part of your life. Choosing to make a lifelong commitment that will alienate them might be the right choice but it should not be made lightly.
I don’t envy your situation. I hope you sort through this.
Has your boyfriend made any effort to “court” your parents and win them over?

You can’t choose the person you love. Don’t let your parents choose for you. They are wrong, not you, so stay with your boyfriend if that is what you want to do.

Well, I have spoken to my dad about it who has “tried’ to be open minded about the situation, but he always ended the conversation with a very firm “I don’t care to know him. You can find a good asian guy.” And, my boyfriend has tried to court them and he has been incredibly polite to them, but they get VERY angry and VERY upset when he tries and even when I wasn’t involved in the process (i.e. telling him to or asking him to); they’ll get upset at me and ask me why that “piece of trash” tried talking to them.

I have tried counseling (myself). My parents do not believe in counseling whatsoever. The only real advice that I got from the counseler was basically the same as everyone else said. That I’m an adult and I have the right to make a decision. He said that if my parents were to choose to not be a part of my life after I make that decision (staying with my boyfriend); then that’s THEIR choice and not mine. But, he never fully answered my question on whether or not they COULD come around.

And, yes my parents do NOT want any grandchildren coming from me ESPECIALLY if it’s with my boyfriend right now. I do have an older sister who’s 34, but she’s been single for quite a long time now and she’s in that part of her life where she’s not really trying to look for a partner. She just has her career and her pets. So, if in the future, I did settle down with him and we had kids… they would more than likely not be a part of that child’s life.

I’ve been standing firm in my belief that he is the one. He’s stood by my side through this whole process and understands how serious this is to me. He’s incredibly supportive and he works hard every day to try to prove a “worth” to my parents. This is something that’s very hard for me to swallow because this is not a burden he should have to carry on himself. But, he understands that I do want my parents in my life, which is why he hasn’t pushed when it wasn’t the right time.

My parents are FULLY aware that I am still with him. They just choose to ignore it or pretend he doesn’t exist. I have decided that when we get married… I will more than likely do a court marriage rather than have a wedding because my parents have said multiple times in the past that they REFUSE and WILL NOT be a part of his life or anything that has to do with him. And, as much as a wedding would be great… not having any family there would hurt more and I would more than likely not enjoy it. In my mind, I can always have a wedding later down the line (with the hope that my parents come around).

Also, if you’re talking about direct family as in just my parents and sister shunning me… I would like to think that my sister would be on my side…however, with a lot of arguments or situations in the past; my sister has always been on my parents side. Again, she IS single and is very miserable in her life because she doesn’t have a partner. When she’s come down to visit me, she’d say things like how “oh well at least you have a boyfriend.” But, she forgets about the situation with my parents and I don’t think she fully understands how hard it would be for HER if she were in my shoes.

Now, if you’re referring to family as in cousins and extended family too… I have talked to my closest cousins about it; and they are supportive of my situation and have given me advice about what to do (since they would know better on how my parents would react); however, the advice they gave me was to “let time play it out”. One of my cousins agreed with the idea my boyfriend had of once he’s fully settled into a career (which he will be in just 2 days); he can then prove to my parents that he can support me and provide for me, etc.

I know deep down inside if my parents just gave him ONE DAY to sit down and get to know him and talk to him. They would love him because he’s exactly the kind of person that they’ve always encouraged me to find (other than the “love” or “happiness” part because my parents DO NOT believe in happiness). He’s incredibly hard working, a perfectionist, very keen on details, and he takes things very seriously when he’s doing anything at all. There have been many times where he’d say or do something and it would strike this thought in me that if my parents had heard/seen that… they’d have probably been happy.

But, once again, when I have talked to my parents (mostly my dad) about the situation… He’s very quick to try to silence me. When I do try to talk to him, he’ll cut me off in the middle of the sentence over and over again. He won’t let me finish what I’m trying to say either by getting loud and angry or by making his statement over mine. So, a lot of the times I have to either walk away or end the conversation because I CANNOT get through because he won’t listen to all my thoughts or feelings on this.

It sounds like you found an amazing guy. If I were in your situation I would continue counseling to help you nag agate a difficult situation. Can you find a counselor that is familiar with your culture and can understand the nuance of what you are going through?
No matter what you do it will be difficult.

It sounds to me like they simply want you to be with one of your own so to speak, with someone Asian. That can be very difficult to overcome. They either are very worried about cultural differences or they want their “line” to continue. I know it can sound racist, but also I can understand it. I married someone Mexican, by coincidence, and I am Jewish with European descent. Race is irrelevant to me, and when I was dating religion was fairly irrelevant to me also, my husband was raised Catholic, but his father was raised Jewish. Anyway, there are some cultural things that come up between me and my inlaws, but my hisband and I are very united and similar. As far as religion, as I get older I care more about having Jewish children if I had had children (I had fertility problems). If I think about my people and what has happened in history I want to have ten Jewish babies. So, I get why Jewish parents want their children to marry someone Jewish, and I guess maybe your parents have similar feelings, although I can’t know their actual thoughts obviously.

Do you know specifically why they want you to be with someone Asian? What their worry or reason is? Forget about them accepting your Mexican boyfriend for a minute and try to understand why exactly they want you to be with someone Asian. Maybe if you completely disagree with their reasoning you will stop worrying about their approval. You might break up with the MX guy and wind up with a caucasian or black person. If your heart is not in exclusively dating Asians, probably you don’t need to consider that aspect anymore.

@JLeslie, around 2 years ago, my dad had said in a conversation (or verbal argument) that if I chose to stay with my boyfriend I would be “disgracing” his name. And, in all honesty, they just want me to marry an asian because they like asians. As much as I hate to admit this, but my mom’s pretty racist. My dad isn’t really racist, but feels I can find an asian doctor or asian engineer to marry. He even said he’d find me someone to marry.

They ONLY like asians. There is no reason behind it. It’s because of who they are. I mean, of course my sister has non asian friends and I have non asian friends as well. But, as far as a romantic relationship… they would LOVE it if he were asian. If in another world, my boyfriend were asian; they would probably not even give it a second thought.

Personally, I’m not into being with someone asian anymore. And, to be quite honest, I’m not attracted to asians! It’s nothing personal. I just don’t have an attraction towards asian guys anymore or at all. If we want to get deeper behind it, it could also be because how hard my parents try to push an asian guy on me. Who knows?

Also, I’d like to add that two of my cousins have married white guys. However, my uncles are incredibly open minded and love their husbands. My parents, however, didn’t care so much about it. And, at some point said to me and my sister to NOT follow the same path. They joined in on the festivities, but didn’t really care to know about them. I guess a naive part of me had hoped that maybe if they saw that my cousins could be happy… I could be too. But, I forget my parents really don’t give a shit about happiness or love.

@JLeslie And, I would say that a factor that could have played into all this was when they met his mom. His mom loves me and is incredibly supportive of our relationship. She treats me as her own daughter. So, when she told my parents, “they love each other and their happy. they treat each other with respect and such.” etcetc… My parents were very quick to shun that idea or thought and they told her that happiness doesn’t matter to them. So, to answer your question: They don’t like Mexican culture. Plain and simple.

It sounds like you will probably have to choose. :-(

@Aubs427 It does sound like you are going to have to choose. Eventually your parents might come around, but no guarantee. They have been judgemental of your cousins and now that same thing is visiting their house. There is an expression, “don’t spit into the wind.” They probably thought their kids would never do such a thing as to marry outside of the race and culture. Do they even know Mexican culture? Which is varied, Mexico is a huge country, large cities, small towns, many different levels of education, people from many different countries just like America. My guess is you and your boyfriend are more American culture than anything. Didn’t you both grow up here?

Will they literally never talk to you again if you marry him? Or, you will just have to live knowing you have displeased them?

In these situations I always think it must be very hard for parents who come to America and have a lot of trouble watching their children assimilate, live differently than they expect, and marry outside of what they would prefer. Did your parents immigrate to America, or were they born here? I remember I had a Korean friend growing up who was not allowed to watch The Cosby show (a very popular sit-com when I was a teen about a black family) her parents were so racist against black people. But, I also had Korean friends who dated, Hispanics, blacks, anything and everything.

@JLeslie; They do not know Mexican culture very well. They have their own opinions and own created views on it, but they’re not educated or anything on Mexican culture. We both did grow up on in America and we are very Americanized. My parents did immigrate here more than 30 years ago. But, their friends that they grew up with or came with here are ALL asian. It also doesn’t help that a lot of their friends kids are with asian guys/girls. I guess I’m not along the typical norm of asian children?

They will never never talk to me again (that’s what they say) and I will also have to live knowing I displeased them. Displeased is a very soft word, though. I will probably get bashed with A LOT of terrible hateful words like how I’m an ungrateful daughter and how I don’t respect them or appreciate them. If you’ve recalled from 3 years ago, that still hasn’t changed in them.

Let me put it this way: if tomorrow I told my parents I’m going to go to city hall and marry him… they’d probably slam me with all sorts of hateful and angry words. And, they’d probably tell me they never want to hear from me or have anything to do with me again. Then, they’d probably get my sister involved and try to get my sister to convince me that I’m “doing the wrong thing”.

If you marry him, tell your parents AFTER the fact. It may not change the result but you will skip the part where you’re sister has to talk you out of it.

@Aubs427 Are you financially dependent on them still? Living with them?

@JLeslie No. I live incredibly close to them, though. In an apartment with a high school friend that they know. They “help” out by bringing food on their own will, but no.

@JLeslie Which also brings me to another problem because I want to live with my boyfriend and we would be perfectly capable of doing it…but, once again if my parents were to visit and see that I was living with him… That would be a VERY bad thing I wouldn’t want to deal with.

@Judi Honestly my sister may not try to convince me on her own, but she’ll try to play both sides. Plus, she hates that I have a boyfriend and she doesn’t. She doesn’t talk about it very much. But, she would try to play both sides.

@Aubs427 I think it is really good you did not move out of your parents house and in with your boyfriend. I have nothing against living together, but I think it is really important, especially for women, to live on their own for a while. Did your parents have a hard time when you moved out? Or, did that happen easily and naturally?

@Aubs427 Don’t be too hard on your sister, she is in a shitty position in the family. Your parents are putting her in the middle. Plus, the older child often is the one who takes on the role of trying to keep everyone happy, keep peace, be the mediator.

@JLeslie oh i’m not hard on her at all. i love my sister to the moon and back and I know how hard it is for her as well. So, it frustrates me when they try to get her involved. Yes, my parents had an INCREDIBLY hard time when I moved out. Even now it is still hard and they’ll even assume or think that I’m not living with my friend when there’s living proof that my boyfriend hasn’t even been there. It took my cousin to help me because she was in the same position as I was with her parents (on the moving out part only). So, when my uncle bought her a house to live in on her own… she came to my parents to explain and tried to get them to understand.

But, even now it is still hard… at least once a week they’ll ask me to move back home. In their view, I shouldn’t have to “live on my own” if they could provide the same because they want me to save money for the future. So, in their eyes, living on my own is “wasting time and money”. And, I totally understand their view and why they’d prefer it that way… but still.

@Aubs427 The irony is, in my experience being married to a Mexican, Mexican parents have a very difficult time when their children move out also. When my husband left for college they said all sorts of negative things about how he won’t last. When we got engaged his mother told him if he gets married they won’t support him anymore (which was ridiculous first because he had been paying for everything for himself for a while by that point and they hate their own parents/inlaws on my husband’s father’s side for trying to use money to get him to leave his wife). His sister is actually the oldest and when she got engaged they freaked out too. She was 25 still living at home. My husband’s brother was in his mid thirties when he finally moved out, they freaked out. At one point he moved back in, and then when he left again they hated him for how he handled it. It’s true he could have done it better, he moved to a different state, but they would have tried to talk him out of it or slow him down.

I think you need to accept that there will be absolutely no way for you to really become your own person, living on your own, married or not, without your parents having a mini breakdown. They just will be freaked to some extent. It will never be a smooth transition no matter what you do; Asian boy or Mexican in the background.

I think some of it is cultural, my husband’s family it was normal to live at home until married, so it was not unusual for children to live at home well into their 20’s and even 30’s. And, some of it is some parents have severe mourning when their children leave. Another is parents can be a nervous wreck worrying if their kid is alright. The way to calm their own anxiety is if you are under their roof.

Do you want to be engaged, get married? Are you and your boyfriend at that place now?

No one here can change your parents, you can’t either. Only they can change themselves eventually.

@JLeslie It makes me feel a little better that I’m not the only one with over controlling and overbearing parents even though I know it’s coming from good intentions and such… However, it’s very difficult because when as soon as my sister started college and was living in dorms… she never lived at home again! Of course, I’m sure it was much easier for her because my parents still had me at home. But, they never complain for her to move back home (she lives on the east coast now. We’re in california). They only time recently where they’ve wanted her to move home was the past year or so because my sister would call us crying about how miserable she was being alone out there.

To answer your question: I do want to be engaged and get married. I’m not in much of a huge rush, but yes of course I do. I want to get engaged, get married, and start a family much like anyone else would. Obviously the family part would come WAY down the line.

The hardest part of it all is my mom NEVER lets ANYTHING go. She’ll bring up things that happened 10 years ago that aren’t even relevant to the situation. She’s a huge grudge holder and she’ll try to tear away at me emotionally with her words. Obviously now I’m much stronger about handling it. So, my whole thing is when I do get engaged and etc… my mom’s probably going to lose it the hardest compared to my dad.

@JLeslie Also, I just wanted to add…Thank you for responding so quickly and for being patient with all this. I seriously appreciate all the advice and tips I can get for getting through this for now and the future!

I have not read all the responses, but here’s my take. Being of south asian decent and having dated an Asian girl, (my first girlfriend), I encountered a similar situation as your boyfriend.
There are cultural considerations, as well as generational ones for you to take into account. There are other minor ones as well, such as Religious, lingual, and Social.
Your parents were probably raised in a different country with different values, hopes and dreams. You are the culmination of their sacrifices. You are the embodiment of their hope and dreams. They probably come from a culture where love and the idea of marrying for Love is just that, “an idea”, and probably an immature one at that. Because life is so tough in the society/world they grew up in, that their one and only goal in life was to provide a better life for their children, both materially and educationally, (only)! Yet culturally, socially, religiously, and linguistically, what they learned was good enough for them, (actually probably better then good enough), and should also be the same for you, (at least in their minds)! Because look at you! You are their success story!
So now they left their home and brought you to a new land with different Culture/language/religion/values/ etc. and want you to selectively pick and choose from this buffet of values! Well… you learned one more thing that they never had to contend with? Something entirely different, didn’t you!? You learned that these values are human values, and not just Chinese values, or Asian values, or Latino values… you learned that they are Universal values!
You learned that working hard (as you may have seen your father do), was a wonderful value. Except you also saw that there are African-American who work hard, and that there are Mexicans who work hard, and there are Pakistanis who work hard. To you, and rightly so, the color of their skin or what language they spoke didn’t matter! What mattered was that they worked hard like your father! And that, (along with other values your parents taught you) were what you fell in love with. The problem is that those values they taught you, (in this new home of yours and theirs), don’t come in just Asian packaging, they also come in Latin, and African, and Caucasian and etc etc flavors too!
Does this make your parents raciest? I do not know. We are all flawed and part of becoming an adult is not just learning to see the flaws in our parents, but more importantly, learning to continue to love and respect them despite their flaws!
Where does that leave you? I would advise that you ask to sit with them and have them just listen to you, without speaking. And that you share with them all the wonderful things you see in your partner, and that you value those things because it’s your parents who taught you to appreciate those values, and more than likely they also taught you to not be raciest, for how else would you be in love with a man like such? They just grew up in a world different then yours. And in the end you must decide to live in a world which you were raised in, not theirs.
Best of luck to you and your wonderful boyfriend.

@Aubs427 Your statement about your parents recently wanting your sister to come home because she is unhappy reinforces that your parents are not necessarily trying to control you exactly they are trying to relieve their own anxiety. It is hard for them to see their children unhappy and they want to take away the pain. They probably think marrying someone who is not Asian will in the future cause you heartache. Some of it might be racism, but some of it might be they fear you won’t be accepted well in the Asian community, they worry about their own shame, they worry about your children not fitting in. They probably have all sorts of worries whether justified or not. If they have been judgemental of mixed couple and mixed children then they worry more people will be like them and how it will affect you.

If you can try to really get to the root of why they are against your reationship, not just the blatant racism, but their specific worries they have, maybe you can reasure them. Maybe you can’t, but maybe you can tell them your intent is not to cause them worry, that you have considered those things and feel strongly it won’t be a problem although you do realize some cultural issues might come up. They may have a hard time knowing, understanding, and admitting, exactly why they are against it. As long as they are trying to stop you and you are spiting them (I don’t feel you are purposely spiting them, but for lack of a better word, all I mean is you are not going to listen to their desires on this) they continue to have the “parental” role and you the “child” rather than them seeing you as a separate adult. We are always our parents children, but through adolescence the dynamic changes, and the change is almost always difficult for everyone involved.

Having empathy for them might help you feel better. It might make them feel better also.

@Bagardbilla; I have tried many many times to sit down with them calmly and have them listen to the things I have to say. But, I’m immediately cut off, yelled at, and depending on their mood…sometimes they’ll even get physical at times (not often). Once I start the sentence and they come to realize I’m even mentioning him…I won’t be able to get another word out because they’ll talk over me. That’s an option I’ve worn out because they do not react calmly or lightly when it comes to him.

And, I completely understand the cultural reasons behind it. I completely understand. But, does that mean it makes it wrong that I’m with my boyfriend then? That’s what’s the problem. I know deep down inside (living in America) that I can be with him, but my parents make me feel SO incredibly wrong about it. They make me feel like I should be burned on the stake for it. When they call/visit or when I visit them, I can’t even mention his name or it’s WW3.

@JLeslie The fact of the matter is they KNOW that I’ll be accepted just fine because both of my cousins did perfectly fine with their husbands. They just live in this imaginative world they’ve created for themselves. And, to be quite honest, there really isn’t an “asian community” where I live. If you were referring to their friends, their friends think I’m single!

Example: My cousin’s husband stayed with my parents recently when our other cousin was getting married. At the dinner, her husband was explaining to my mom the cultural thing behind how HIS parents wanted him to move out and be on his own when he was an adult. He had explained how he had lived in an apartment with friends and my mom just sat there in disbelief. She then told him that that’s now how it goes in Western society. She explained that if it were the other way around…she’d have had her son stay home until he had a full career job going and had saved up all this money, etcetc.

Even after that conversation with someone who is so different than she’s used to… it doesn’t change her perspective. She pretends he never even said it.

And, I’ve stated before it isn’t just CULTURALLY why they don’t like him. They hate him because when they first met him, I was in a car accident and they blamed him for it. They didn’t blame me. They didn’t have me take responsibility. They blamed him. But, of course I took full responsibility for it. I was the person driving! The logic isn’t there! From that point on, they will NOT let it go. My dad says it’s “too much bad blood for him to care”.

And, once again they also don’t like him because of the views his mom had given them. The fact is they do NOT care about happiness. My sister wants to be left alone. She just wants a partner. She’s told me many times that she just wants to be left alone in Virginia. The way my parents approach my sister’s situation is: She needs to buy a house and invest her money. That’s their approach. In order to fix how my sister is feeling…she needs to buy a house. That’s their mentality.

You need to stop agonizing over this. Follow your heart and stand up to your family, it’s clear this choice will result in uncomfortable moments and it won’t be easy, but if you truly believe that this is the one for you then take a stand.

If your family truly respects you they will eventually come around or maybe not, but what’s the alternative? Can you imagine moving forward with your life without someone you truly love? Be true to who you are, live your life based on your beliefs and convictions, and let your parents do the same. No regrets.

@BosM is right.

There was something an old teacher of mine used to say:

“Fair” is a weather condition

Sometimes life sucks and there’s no happy choice. You just need to pick what is best for you. If it were me (and six years ago it was) if someone was forcing me to choose between two people I loved, the person forcing the choice was the one to cut out.

@Aubs427 I know my MIL judges American parents harshly for “kicking” their kids out of the hosue at 18. I tried to explain to her that usually the parents go through horrible empty nest syndrome. They don’t kick the kids out to get rid of them, they kick them out to help their children find independence. It is more a selfless act than selfish one.

The bottom line is, it’s your life and your decision…not theirs. Since your parents aren’t willing to have a reasonable discussion about this, I suggest you write them a well written letter as a last-ditch effort to win them over. Tell them why you love him, if you think it will help. Let them know that the best possible life for you would include both supportive parents and the man you love. (If it were me, I’d go on to say that if I can’t have both, I’ll choose the man I love.) Let them know that you and your SO are a package deal…if they want you in their lives, they must accept him, too.

Frankly, based on what you’ve said, I don’t hold out much hope that the letter will succeed, but at least you’ll know you’ve tried everything. If they don’t come around, I think you should disown them.

@JLeslie So your MIL is like my mom basically… And, I think it can go both ways. I have a neighbor who’s recklessly living her life going to parties every day and doing drugs. She’s not really getting further in life and expects her partying lifestyle to pay her bills and get her to where she needs to be in the future. So, either way…being independent comes with A LOT of responsibilities. But, in my parents point of view, they’d have rather me stayed home and given THEM money as a mean of “being independent” or “learning”. That was the compromise they had given me when I moved back out again. They wanted me to pay them rent instead.

@augustlan I’ve had that conversation with my dad once… about WHY I loved him because he had said, “I don’t know him, so I can’t say much about him.” So, I went on to attempt to explain since I assumed that was my chance. But, as soon as I got one sentence saying, “He’s incredibly hardworking…has a good job…” He immediately cut me off and I couldn’t get another word in. Thank you for your advice! I really appreciate it.

@Aubs427 Just to explain further, my MIL is questioning some of her ideas on it though. Now that she has been in the US 15 years she sees some of her assumptions were wrong. American parents are not trying to “get rid of” they children. She sees that her child who went away to college right after high school and left home to do it, is the most successful in his career and the most financially responsible. It does not always work out that way, but in her family it happened to so it reinforces the idea. She has her own guilt about mistakes she might have made as a parent, all parents do I think, and I have told her she should not be so hard on herself, she provided all sorts of opportunity and love for all her children. She actually gave them tons of freedom to travel and experience new things from young ages, so it is not like she tried to keep them under stern lock and key. It’s a big mix, I assume your own parents are a mix of strict and not and it’s good for everyone to see the big picture.

One additional thing, even some American parents are like your parents. When I lived in TN I knew several parents who could not fathom their child going away to school or moving away for a job. The majority were not like that, but more than one person I met was.

@JLeslie So, in the beginning of all this, everyone said that I was the one that needed counseling. So, to clarify with you… if at the end of all this they don’t accept him and I’ve chosen him and decided to marry him…and they tell me that they won’t nothing to do with me because I’ve chosen him…That was THEIR decision and not mine, correct?

Now, do I or should I try to reach out to them after such time has passed if they don’t reach out to me on their own? When I did see a counseler, all they said to me was that “time heals everything” and that when the “time was right” I would know.

The counselor isn’t going to give you answers. That’s not their job. Their job is to help you work out your feelings and make your own decision.

You don’t exactly get to say it was their choice and not yours. You are making a choice, even if that choice is to do nothing and continue as you are now.

Is your choice going to be to do nothing and hope something changes; to side with your parents, dump your boyfriend, and hope to find an Asian boy; or to tell your parents to stuff it and pursue this relationship?

@Aubs427 Your counselor has no way to know if your two parents will come around over time. I think it is likely they will, but there are no guarantees. They might be accepting eventually and then something will happen years later and the whole thing might get stirred up again. Are you both the same religion? That could be a huge help if you are. That is if you are going to do some of the religious rituals. The family would come together for the baptism, no one would be worried about anyone’s soul, etc. I have seen grandparents secretly baptize their grandchild when their child and their spouse are not religious.

Everyone is making a choice. You are and they are. You cannot control their choices. I think eventually when you feel really sure you are ready to marry your boyfriend you will do it with or without the approval of your parents.

This sort of thing happens more than you might think. My mom dated an Irish Catholic guy for a long while and they wanted to marty (this is before she met my dad). My mom is Jewish. My grandparents weren’t thrilled that she was involved with someone not Jewish, but they weren’t giving any ultimatums of any sort; they would have accepted him. His parents on the other hand were not happy at all. Eventually, he broke it off. My mom was ready to convert to Catholicism and everything, but he just couldn’t go through with it. I don’t know if the religion and his parents were the whole reason or not, maybe he decided she just wasn’t the one, but the pressures from his family were very strong.

My husband’s father was raised Jewish, and where he is from Jews don’t marry outside of their religion much, especially back then. When he married his Catholic girlfriend it cause difficulty in the family. Now he basically has cut them off after the things they have said over the years. I think he should try to reconcile, but I don’t know everything that has gone on. Since they never completely shunned him I think things could have worked out differently. No matter waht his family never really fully accepted the marriage, but full acceptance is not always necessary.

@JLeslie well, my dad isn’t religious. My mom is somewhat catholic, but they’re not really religious. Since my dad is pretty much not into religion, they don’t have any firm beliefs or anything when it comes to that topic. Now, my boyfriend isn’t huge on religion either. His mom is though. She goes to church every week and participates in church related activities every week. But, my boyfriend is much like my dad. He doesn’t talk about religion. He has once in a while because he will occasionally participate in church.

When my Grandma passed away, my mom went to her church every week for a few months. My dad occasionally went, but he would stay home a lot of the times. She stopped after a few months, but she’s too overwhelmed with work and other things to have that kind of strong emphasis in her life.

My boyfriend and I have the same views on religion because his household was the same as mine. His dad isn’t religious, but his mom is. So, neither one of us (personally) have a huge belief in religion, though, I do believe in God and such, I just don’t participate in any church activities or anything.

Also, they’ve never mentioned religion to me ever. I know that if they were to worry about something…it would be their name that they would be more upset over rather than religion.

@Aubs427 So, both families are Catholic?

@JLeslie Yes. To a degree.

Ok, so religion is a non-issue. That’s good.

@JLeslie :) thank God.

Accept that they don’t accept. Live with it. It’s hard to change people.