Would you vacation with your ex for the kids?

I feel like it might confuse them. Just my opinion.

Thanks, @jca opinions are what I am looking for.

Thank the gods, I am not in that situation, but I sincerely hope that if ever I break up, we would then be comfortable enough with each other to go on shared vacations.

My wife and I have had vacations on which we were joined by either an ex of mine or an ex of hers.

Actually, coming to think of it… one of my best friends is married to an ex of mine and she ended up being my wife’s best ‘man’ at our marriage.

So… yes… definitely! I think our kids would be more bothered by the break up than by a vacation. They wouldn’t get confused, they would just like the chance of vacation where everyone gets along… (I am from a ‘broken home’, so I can empathize.)

I think it would be a nice family get-together, and probably only confusing if Mom and Dad shared a bed. Separate rooms would be best.

My daughter did that with her son’s father. Yes, it confused her son. Rebuild his hopes, only to be smashed when the vacation was over.
My wife and I have a friendly relationship with my wife’s first husband, but we never considered having him vacation with us. That might be how we maintained the friendly relationship.

I have gone to a family wedding with my Ex in England that my kids came to. It was a little odd but ok. I did stay in a different hotel than my Ex did.

I would definitely travel with my Ex if one of our adult kids was in trouble but I don’t think I would choose to vacation with him and his SO and our kids. Everyone’s situation is different. Ours is an amicable divorce but there is still much pain.

Not only might it confuse the kids, as @jca says, it might turn into a battlefield, which would be a vacation for nobody.

Not a chance. Regardless of whether the parents are on good terms, the child will end up confused by this and crushed after vacation ends.

Talk about awkward.

Do you think there will be less confusion for the children if each parent is with someone else and each couple has their own room?

This is one of those things that sounds good “in theory” but is not really all that good.
Experts say that ALL kids, no matter what age and no matter how much they have suppressed it, have the wish and hope that their parents will get back together. Therefore this scenario could inflame that wish.
It is really important for the kids to see a civil, friendly relationship between all the adults in the scenario. ...and things like Birthday parties, graduations, weddings, etc. are fine.
Extended periods with both mom and dad under the same roof are not so great.
Actually, remember that movie “The Parent Trap”? Sure…the dad’s girlfriend was kind of a bitch and it all worked out in the movies…but what if dad’s girlfriend/wife was a good person?

@rojo It seems very messy to me whichever way you do it. I think kids want their parents to be together and this just muddies the water.

Experts should learn not to make sweeping statements.

This divorced kid just held out how that she would be allowed to pick which parent to live with.

She wasn’t.

Sure. the same condo unit seems like a bit too close quarters for me though.

@Seek Kolinahr Of course, there are exceptions. Children who were witnesses to or a product of abusive, volatile or neglectful marriages are going to come with issues of their own. The children I am referring to are children who have parents that were both good parents and had a “safe” marriage (no abuse, etc). Actually, in the parenting classes and blending-family lectures I took after my husband left his son and I for another woman, they did, indeed say that all others had the general hope that their parents could/would work it out. Some, more so than others.

Hell no, if everyone were capable of a family vacation they wouldn’t be divorced in the first place. haha
Forget confusing the kids, I’d be more inclined to worry my ex was plotting on throwing me overboard in shark infested waters. lol

My son’s father is a rapist, not an ex, so that’s a no.

I would have hated it if my parents did that. I still hate to be around them together, although I have planned far more combined family events now that I’m married. I even made them all come to a family photo session. But vacation would have been awful with my mother and father both in attendance.

NO!

I think it is better to err on the side of caution and say no, also.

I am not even sure it matters how old the child/children are. There are valid reasons for any age, particularly since the split was only a year ago.

My husband and I remarried when mine were 7 and 12, and his were 8,11, and 13. Brother, was it complicated, although we became very close and ended up spending every summer together after a few years. And we alll worked and and attended the same school so we were in each other’s pockets all the time. My step-sons lived only three miles away.

But my oldest step-son was enraged and articulate about it until he and I began to get along well, in spite of his trying not to.

I don’t have an Ex but if I had one then my answer would be NO, not ever, under any circumstance. I would have divorced him for a reason. If we could get along well enough to take a vacation we would have not split up in the first place. The real purpose of a family vacation is to relax and have fun. The trip might prove to be challenging at times, which can lead to friction between the two of us. I think the kids would have a great time with their father alone.

I agree with @Smitha. I do not have an ex, but this sounds like it could be stressful for everyone involved. I would not want to share vacation time with an ex. I would want that time with just my children.

@jonsblond And I’m going to have that Thanksgiving week!

It would never happen!! I’d have to have a lobotomy, dementia or alzheimers to want to spend a vacation around my ex! Its tough enough when my boys have a sports event or birthday party. He continues to get the wrong idea whenever we are together at a function for my boys…so NO!! I think that it confuses my boys when we even talk about being at the same function. I avoid getting together at all costs.

I wouldn’t/couldn’t do it. My boyfriend is already having heartache on my behalf with what I am having to go through and there is no way I would ask him to spend precious money and time on a vacation with such a source of stress. Things are not ‘amicable’.
If there seriously is no stress and the couples can get along and actually have a ‘vacation’ then, power to them. I could do it with my ex-hubby from New Zealand for a few days, I think, but, even with all the water under that bridge, I know he would get on my nerves. I want my vacations to be stress free and no eggshell walking.
When I moved here to Norway, I was just expected to spend (and help with) all birthdays and Christmases with hubby’s ex-girlfriend with whom he had a son with. If I dared complain or question, I was being a bitch. I wouldn’t put his new-suffering, clueless girlfriend through that.

No…no. I don’t think it’s a good idea. PThere is a reason they got divorced and an extended visit like that might bring those reasons back to the forefront….....Maybe dinner or something now and again, but no.

Hell, I was 20 years old when my folks divorced. 7 years later my sister got married and I had my first baby. Both my folks were in town, from out of state (one from Washington, the other Georgia) at the same time! My mom was staying with me, and my dad offered to give me a ride home from somewhere.
I remember standing in between them, against the stair railing, feeling tickled pink…I had my parents back, together, beside me. It was only for a minute but I’ll never forget that feeling.
No….I don’t think I could handle any more than that.

To answer the direct question – no, I don’t think I could vacation with my husband’s ex. (I’m the stepmom).

We have a very amicable relationship, all things considered – and I’ve co-parented for over 15 years..and cannot foresee a situation, aside from my beautiful step-daughter choosing to get married in a far away place, where we would all vacation or travel someplace together.

That said, we do all attend every school event, and we share a holiday get-together each winter near Christmas with his ex and her extended family. We’ve done this for years – and it’s a bit awkward (more so for my husband I think, oddly enough) but do-able.

When SD was younger I think it was more enjoyable for her to have all the people who love her all together (e.g. at birthdays and holidays). Now that she is a teenager and well aware of her mother’s true opinion of me (and vice versa) and can sense the tension that exists even when we’re all being very nice & getting along very civilly… she’s not really all that interested in having both halves of her family together all that much. Granted, in our case SD does not remember a time when her parents were ever together because they split up & divorced before she was 1.

So.. I’d say this depends on the age of the kids, whether there is any chance for conflict that will disrupt the holiday (hey, travel can be stressful enough…why add to it with tension w/ the ex?)...and whether the kids are pushing for this arrangement or not.

@janbb You get your sons to yourself or you’ll have to share the holiday? If my parents were divorced I would never expect them to be together for Thanksgiving just for my sake. I wish I could make things easier for you.

@jonsblond No, I’ll be with my boys and my Ex is going to be with his girlfriend and her kids.

From a (teenage) kid’s point of view: When my parents had been separated for a few months, we went on a family vacation. It was stressful, as vacations can be – but none of us were confused. My youngest sister (aged ten) in particular enjoyed it.

Most children desperately want their parents together. I don’t think it makes sense to fight that…why not let them hope until they’ve “healed” and gotten over the shock?

@janbb Yay!

It depends on their relationship. If they get on well and are mature people it could work out very well. My ex-husband not only did that but would include one of his ex wives and their son. I think it was a great gesture.

@LornaLove That’s cool. When my sister got married, my Dad and his new wife came from out of state for the wedding, as did my mother. My Dad’s wife just freaked when picture time came and the photographer placed my parents on either side of my sister. She was making gestures like, ”GET BACK HERE!!”
I was instructed not to have any pictures displayed of my mother and father together if they came to visit.
Total insecurity I guess.

@longgone How can they heal when the parents are still giving them hope that they might get back together?

I don’t have kids and am not divorced, but I think it really depends on the exact situation. I think if the children are young and the parents don’t have serious SO’ also along, it could be confusing for the children. Get their hopes up as some have mentioned above. But, if it has been years, the exes get along well, maybe they are even remarried, I think it can work out fine. No single answer I don’t think for this question.

I’ve never been on a vacation where the exes were along, but I have definitely been to christmas and graduations and events like that where it was just fine. As long as the exes are really friends, and no one is still angry or hurt I think it can work. If anyone still has sad or bad feeling I think that is a reason not to be together on vacations.

I don’t know about the kids but this situation would confuse me. It will never happen.

@livelaughlove21 When parents get divorced, their children’s lives change – often drastically. They have to be allowed to mourn. They will hope for everything to be as it was, no matter what their parents do. I think hoping can help tide them over until they can accept their parents’ decision. This is not based on anything but my personal experience, of course. I may be completely wrong.

@longgone: I think the “hoping” and then seeing the parents together will confuse them and give them false hopes.

@jca
That’s possible, and it’s what most people think. I just don’t think you can stop them from hoping…I know my little sister enjoyed those family times, and they seemed to make her more comfortable. She wasn’t confused, just happy to see her family be together. I think kids benefit from having a group of people care about them. Even if that means the parents need to work on being civil to one another, it might be worth it.

@longgone When my parents split up, there was no hope that they’d get back together. My sister and I got over it quickly. However, not everyone experiences things the way I did.

I think most kids are confused by false hope, which delays healing time. I see no reason to vacation with your ex. As a kid, two separate vacations would’ve been awesome. The kids should know that everyone on both sides loves and cares for them – that doesn’t mean they have to vacation together.

@livelaughlove21 I agree with almost everything you’ve said… We just had different experiences, but I suppose that’s what the OP is looking for.

Thanks to all for your insight. and yes, @longgone , that was exactly what I was hoping to see, both actual experiences and consequences and thoughts on the trying it.
My personal view is that if the couple has been split for over a year now and both have SOs that they are happy with and can deal with each other in a civil manner then is should work out; particularly if the children have come to accept that mom and dad have separate lives but still involve the children in these lives on a regular basis.

@rojo I think a year is a short time. I’m no expert, but big “break ups” usually take more than a year for total acceptance and to not feel unexpected emotions. I’m still talking about the kids. I could be wrong, this is just my guess, opinion, idea, thoughts, on the matter.

@JLeslie I agree. I think both I and my kids are still assimilating the changes. Someone recently told me “It’s been two years” meaning I should accept it and not feel anything any more, but that was wrong.

I’m a little late to this party, but I’d consider it. My ex and I had an amicable divorce and we are good at the co-parenting thing. I’m remarried and he’s engaged, so the kids wouldn’t be confused. I’d probably opt to stay in a different condo, though. My ex and I would get on each others’ nerves, otherwise!

I saw my ex for the first time in years and years and years. It was an amicable meeting, and I remembered all the things I liked about him. Within the first two hours, however, I also saw all the things that I detested in him. I wanted to say, “Shut up and quit bragging on yourself already!” Why didn’t I see it like that when we first met??

I don’t know if this is still on anyones’ radar but I thought I would give a follow-up.

It went well. We got a three bedroom condo. My wife and I, my daughter and her SO, her ex-SO and his SO, and my granddaughter spend five days together.
Each couple had their own room as a getaway but we all spent a lot of time together in the main areas. My granddaughter chose where/when she wanted to be we either parent but with everyone together so much it was more a matter of choosing whether to stay with the group or go off and play with her toys in one of the bedrooms..
We had family meals with everyone helping out. We went skiing and again, time was split between all and an instructor.
She had a blast, and both couples got along very well, even going out together one evening while G-Ma & G-pa babysat.
I cannot say what the discussions were in private but everyone was more than just civil, they were downright social. There was the occasional spat but no worse then when you have seven unrelated people (and fewer than when everyone is a member of the same family) living together in close quarters.
I admit to being a little apprehensive but my granddaughter was un-phased and not confused and everyone had a good time and I am happy with how it turned out. I realize it is not the ideal setup and that it most assuredly would not work for everyone but it worked out for us.
It went well enough that we are considering doing it again this coming August.

Thank you so much for this update… To often we don’t hear the end to stoeies I came to care about.

Glad to see all went well.

Glad to see your granddaughter proved to be able to take the positive from life. :-)

Yes, thank you @rojo.