How can I tell my partner I'm asexual?

I have been/am in a similar situation. Although I am not gay, so we don’t have that part in common. For awhile years back I even wondered if I was Asexual. But, I’m not. My libido comes and goes, but mostly goes. My husband and I have sex maybe once a month. Sometimes less often.
In my case a lot,if not all has to do with being abused as a child. I have PTSD from this. I have been through years and years of therapy and am on medication. But I always seem to come back to this same problem. There are times my libido is “normal”. So, I don’t feel that I am Asexual. I just wanted to let you know there are others who are going through what you are. At least to some degree. Btw I am 45, have been with my husband for over 8 years and married for five. This is my second marriage. I had a LOT of trouble with this in my first marriage.

Speak with her in private. I would start the conversation, “Do you remember when you suggested that I might be asexual? Well, I’m not sure myself, but I’m beginning to wonder.” Let her know that you still exploring your identity, but that you want her to be part of that exploration. You may want to consider going to counseling together—maybe find a support group that you can join together to speak with out-asexuals who might have advice or experience to share. Read books together. Share forums together. Hold her hand.

I am not asexual, but I did come out to my significant other about my gender identity. Although it was a confusing time period for us both, it did not negatively impact our relationship in any way. I was so thankful to have someone there with me during my gender journey. We are still together, happy, and now engaged.

I hope things go well for you, @kah4750. My first question would be how much does sex not matter to an asexual person? For example, would it be upsetting for her to have sexual relations with others while maintaining a deeper, nonsexual relationship with you?

I am asexual and I feel so unqualified to answer this.  I’ve got passionate personal and political stances on what sort of relationship I would want as a feminist and an asexual, but I’ve never been very motivated to seek romantic companionship so I feel weird giving advice.

I think what’s most important is letting her know that you’re reassessing what feels right for you when it comes to sexuality and that you do identify with certain elements of asexuality.  You’ve been together a while and it sounds like you care about eachother a lot so hopefully you’ll be able to figure out how to best serve eachothers needs while respecting your boundaries.  Ask her to be patient while you figure out what you need and what you can give.  And I do mean give, remember gifts are given freely, not out of obligation.  She obviously means a lot to you, so how can you remind her of that in ways that feel right to both of you?  Remember, no one gets to tell you how to be asexual.  You can still have sex if you choose, or kisses or cuddles or none of the above.  Only you and your partner can figure out what works for the two of you.

Personally, I sorta lost all respect for the sacred cow of monogamy about the time I realized I was asexual because I realized it made me feel like sexual exclusivity was some sort of commodity on which my lovability was contingent.  I wanted to be loved for who I was, not the extent to which my body could be corraled.  Am I so wrong to think you should be loved for who you are, not who you do?

Good luck.

It seems to me you are quite happy with your relationship but you are worried that your partner might not be. All you can do is to be honest about what you feel and what you don’t feel, the positive and the negative. As our understanding of ourselves grows with time so our relationships develop also. You are unique, your relationship is also unique. Good luck and best wishes.

I think you should have your thyroid and some other hormones tested. Like estrogen, FSH, testosterone and the other basics. When my thyroid is slow I am much less sexually interested. Rule this out before labelling yourself asexual.

I do think you can talk to your girlfriend about it before the tests though, if you choose to get it tested. I am not saying there is anything wrong with, nor am I judging, anyone who is asexual. I am just saying there might be underlying medical reasons, and if there is it might help your health in other ways by knowing and addressing them. No reason your partner can’t be a partner in your journey to figure this out whether it be something medical or not.

Do you wish you were more interested in sex? Or, are you happy you aren’t?

I am asexual.

I definitely think you should tell her. And it does not mean you can not make her feel good, just remember that. ;)

I also think you should get checked, just in case. Lack of sex drive could be anything.

I am pretty much dead from the neck down, lol!