How can I get my mother in law to move out?

Discuss it with your husband,don’t freak on your Mother inlaw because she will play the poor victim and make you out to be the bad guy,is the sister working combined they should be able to afford something one would think.

Hope it works out for ya.

The sister is not working, she is super lazy and I try to encourage work. His adult siblings won’t even help their mom, I feel it’s left on us. I try to talk to my husband about it but how the conversation goes, it makes me feel like he thinks I am the bad guy, I feel stuck!

Then maybe talk to your husband about charging the 2 of them a bit of rent to help out.

If I felt they contributed, then it would make me feel a bit better. I just really need a date. We get no peace or alone time, and no help. I feel used. Maybe I will bring that up to him. Thanks

@Kkj1234 Is the mother still ill? Does she have any chance of recovering? If not, even though it is uncomfortable for you, you are somewhat obligated to care for her, whether it’s in your home, or in another place in which she will be cared for.

You need to sit down with your husband, after you’ve figured out some alternatives (nursing care, in home health care so you don’t have to do all the work, making your SIL help out by doing housework and cooking, adding another private room onto your house, putting her in assisted living etc.) and then ask him which of these alternatives he’d like to choose, and let him know that you need some help, and that it’s his place (as her son and sister) that he needs to have a serious chat with them. He needs to set down specific guidelines for the sister to tell her that she needs to do X,Y and Z on a regular basis, or move out. Mom may need to stay put, but your kids may need to do more around the house too. Having an ill family member is not easy, but it can be worked out into a more workable situation.

If the Mom is not ill any longer, find out what money/income she does have and what alternative housing solutions are available to her and her daughter (if Mom wants the daughter to stay with her) that is in their budget. Then, after you’ve researched all of that, give them a specific date on which they need to move, then help them move.

His mom has fibromyalgia. And she can live independently and she has monthly income. His sister can get paid to take care of her if they get their own address. It’s more of an attitude that she feels her son is obligated and she got comfortable and she did not make plans to leave. My husband has told my SIL those things and she does them ¼ of the time. He’s not going to tell her to leave though :-( and mom is comfortable, acting like she staying forever spending all her money from month to month! But yes you are right about my husband picking one of those alternatives and relaying that to is mom and sister. The sister not looking for work, and mom not offering us one red penny truly hurts my feelings even though I probably wouldn’t take it, it’s the principal. And I blame this all on my husband!

Your husband needs to be on board whatever you want. Sucky situation. I don’t think I would ever expect my parents or my husband’s parents to pay rent to us, but it would be nice if they bought groceries once in a while. I have a feeling my parents are older than his though. Would your husband be ok with giving them a date they need to be out by? Give them a chance to save money to move? I can’t imagine you MIL and SIL are competely comfortable there if you are so uncomfortable.

Is the 18 year old still in high school?

Can you rent them a small apartment? If you have the money it might be worth the money. Pay their rent for a year and let her live on her income for other expenses. Warn them it is only for a year, they need to figure something out by then.

Welcome to Fluther.

My first suggestion – because I like to be devious and perverse from time to time* – is to lovingly embarrass your husband into making it happen. How do you do that? Public – and over-the-top – displays of affection. Smack him in the ass… and grab it. Make him erect in the morning just before he has to leave the bedroom, or even better, just before you do and leave the door open. Kiss him and grind on him lavishly, when mom and his sister are around, and you’ll be leaving afterward, with him to face them and the things that they won’t say.

Tell him, in front of them, what a great lover he is. Make broad allusions to “the next time I get you alone”. Be vocal, exuberant and loud while making love, and do that more often than usual. Let family secrets slip accidentally-on-purpose in your conversations with them. Cozy up to them (to the extent that you can; I get that you may have to act a part that you don’t really feel here), so that he sometimes feels like the odd man out. (After all, you’re three women, right?) Outvote him on television watching: no football today, for example, we’re doing something extra-fun: we’re all going antiquing.

Basically, enlist him to do your dirty work for you.

He may even find a place for them and pay for it himself. Be sure to reward him lavishly after he does that!

*Okay, most of the time.

How old is the sister?

There’s no excuse for her not working and not contributing financially. She is mooching off you. If she has no skills, why can’t she work at a supermarket, convenience store, gas station, even part time? How does she get spending money?

It seems as if your husband is ignoring the effect this is having on you and your marriage.

I would suggest you talk to your husband about going to counseling and perhaps in therapy, he will start to understand how his hesitancy to be more firm with his family is affecting his marriage.

Lol @ CWOTUS. That’s a twisted way to go about it! Too funny!

His sister is going on 19 she is out of HS, and she could defiantly work one of those jobs. This is where I feel used. And if he doesn’t get them out soon, then we are going to really need counseling!!! His mom gets enough money to pay the rent and bills and we could help out as needed after that.

Well, a lot of 19 year olds don’t have their shit together.

I think you should suggest counseling. He needs to realize how devastating this is for you and your marriage. This isn’t really a situation where an elderly parent needs a place to live. I don’t understand why your MIL would want to stay with you if she has enough money to afford living on her own. I find that very strange. Are they American?

YES! Like I said before she living here rent and bills free, eating our food which that bill is higher to feed 2 more ppl, totaling 8 ppl now! No tissue soap toilet paper washing powder, soap, nothing! Energy and water bill higher. And all she do is whatever she wants to do, with family and friends in and out, eating out, not saving and living a bill free life on us, while the sister stays around the house eating up my kids things and not doing chores and is messier than my babies! Enough is enough and I’m sick of it, I just want my husband to feel the same way.

@Kkj1234 If they were helping pay for things you wouldn’t mind? Or, would they still be driving you crazy living there?

@JLeslie: Even if the 19 year old does not have her shit together, she could still work doing something, for example, the jobs I suggested require little in the way of skills. If she is just laying around the house all day, while the OP goes off to work every day, what kind of crap is that? I think if I were the OP I would be reading the riot act to all of them, and there would be a definite time limit on the MIL and SIL staying, and in the meantime, rent would start being charged asap. If the MIL wants to support the SIL, that’s her thing, but the OP should not have to foot the bill for the whole family.

One small suggestion. If the sister is not getting a job then she should at least help with the housework.

If the sister is not getting a job, she should be spending about six hours per day cooking and cleaning your house. Just my opinion.

@jca My only point was for the OP to think about my question, and figure out if money will really cure the situation before she starts making demands. If money will never be enough because the house is just too small and she can’t stand watching the SIL lay around the house, then she should not focus on the money, but focus on the two of them having to leave. I know money is part of the equation, but communication wise, the family might only hear the money if that is what she talks about. I could easily be wrong. My inlaws would focus on the money and see me as a horrible person always focused on money and not being family oriented. They thought that about me for years, and now finally see that is not the case. Long story.

Of course the SIL can get a job, I agree with that competely, I am only saying I know a lot of 19 year olds laying around the house. In my husband’s family it would take them a really really long time to actually tell a relative they have to leave or work or pay. My family they would say something. One exception would be elderly parents though. Both my husband and I would never expect money from either set of our parents if they lived with us now, but they are in their 70’s. My family would want to help out, but they can financially. My husband’s family won’t be in a position to when and if it happens. All of them have voiced not wanting to live with us and not wanting to be a burden, but recently my husband’s mother seems to have changed her mind.

@JLeslie: I understand and I agree. I think that the OP should have set some kind of plan up prior to the MIL and SIL moving in. A schedule of sorts, even if informal (not in writing, necessarily) but just a clear discussion with all involved, so everyone is on the same page. “You guys can stay for six months, but in the meantime we’d like $200 a month toward expenses” or whatever.

I think it’s not too late to discuss this now – “You can stay for x amount of months, but in the meantime, since you are getting some income, you should give us this amount monthly.” If the MIL spends all her money gambling or going out, that is not the OP’s problem. It’s too bad that the husband of the OP is not on board with this, because unfortunately, it will make the OP look like the bitch DIL, which is not a good position to be in. I am not saying she should not make her needs known, but it’s unfortunate that the husband is not firmer toward his family.

It’s also unfortunate that the 19 year old SIL does not seem to have any shame, not helping out and not working.

@jca Right, she will be the bitch. She can be a bitch to the inlaws or stifle and probably withdraw from her husband or take her anger out on him. Now she is just holding it all in to some extent I guess.

I wonder if the OP and her husband appear to make a lot of money. Many people think people with money should not mind spending money. Know what I mean? I think a lot of teens wouldn’t have shame in it. They don’t understand how much work it takes to run a household and they see adults as having money, a house, the house is just there. I am not defending her, I started working at age 14, but if the mother has no shame about her daughter doing nothing, why would the daughter have shame about it?

@jca, I really like the things you said! I’m so sad and I am starting to feel like i am the bitch, but they are using me :-(. It’s a really bad situation to be in. It feels like a never ending nightmare!!!!

@Kkj1234: I suggest having a serious sit down chat with your hubby. Hopefully he comprehends the gravity of the situation. If not, tell him you would like to see a therapist together.

Now all you can do is ask your husband to choose between his mother and you. Put a date on her moving out and advise your husband that if she isn’t out that day, you will be.

@Kkj1234: Is your husband pretty receptive to other issues and discussions?

@Kkj1234 You’re going to have a hard time with the MIL and SIL if your husband won’t back you up. Have a very clear talk with him about how this is affecting (ruining) your marriage. If possible, make a plan with him re: his relatives.

Once he is with you, sit down together with your relatives, stick to your guns, and have a big talk. At the very least, your mother in law should start paying rent immediately, and your sister in law should have chores around the house.

If I had to guess your culture, I’d say you probably come from an Asian background? The reason I ask is because I’ve seen this so much in the Filipino community. I’d like to start off by saying 9 months is a long time. I feel like your husband might be a little controlling if you say he makes you to be the bad guy if you bring it up. Hmm.. I don’t think having them move out by Spring into an apartment sounds bad…

I asked if they were American and she didn’t answer. I also have the feeling the family is Asian or maybe Latin American, even Middle Eastern. All of those usually see it completely normal for the parents to move in and would not think about offering money while living with their child, especially their male child. Althought the SIL doing nothing after graduating and not helping around the house does not fit in with those cultures so much in my opinion. It’s all stereotyping anyway, which is not foolproof by a long shot. Although, they just joked about something similar on that new Dad’s sitcom

About it being their son. My husband’s parents owed my husband money at one point when we were a new couple, in our 20’s, and money was tight. My husband, being the bad kid that he is wanted it paid back. He had always been told he would be paid back as he was paying some of their bills. The details of the story don’t matter. What does matter is his dad at one point said traditionally he wouldn’t think to pay back a son, but would a daughter. That made no sense to me. I couldn’t guess why. He said more or less said because if I owe my son it is family money, if I owe my daughter the debt is to her husband. There could be all sorts of cultural expectations at play that we have no idea about. My husband had no idea how his dad thought about those things. He had taken them at their word he would be paid back.

Has anyone talked to the mom to see what her plan is? Is her plan to stay there unending? Just having the conversation might get her moving. Maybe when she says, “I had no plan to move,” will be the opportunity to tell her you didn’t realize that. If she has a plan, then you have a light at the end of the tunnel. The conversation doesn’t have to be about you throwing her out initially. It can be fact fnding. She might get the hint without saying anything directly to her. If you have the conversation you still might wind up being the bitch though. Better if your husband does it. They still might assume you are the bitch, especially if they are first generation American and you are the “American.”

You are in a tough spot. You cannot control the actions of others. But you can control your own actions. Prepare yourself for a secret battle.

Do not force your husband to chose between his mother, sister and you. (You will lose. Sorry.) Instead, force him to make the decision on his own.
I am a guy and the comments @CWOTUS said make sense to me. But I would take it in a slightly different direction.
Start making yourself look and feel good. Exercise. Dress up a little. Use a little more make up. Spend a bit more time on yourself and let the housework slip. Start playing more with your husband. One night when you are looking good tell him you miss and want more intimacy. Have great sex only when you are alone. Start it every few days but stop because you get distracted when you hear your MIL cough, or the sister makes a sound.. Tell him you find those sounds a big turn off. You feel she and the sister are watching and can hear.
Get behind in the laundry. Say you are having trouble keeping up because of the additional load with no help.
Secretly start putting money away. Say the food budget is just not enough with all the extra mouths to feed.
Do not expect change overnight. Consider this a 3 month project.
Work on things within your control. Keep yourself in great shape: mentally, physically, and financially.
Slowly steer your husband to arrive at the idea himself. Once he is deprived of sex, clean laundry, good night sleep, and food, he will figure it out.

@LuckyGuy OMG! LOL!

@LuckyGuy and I agree completely on strategy, only the descriptions of our tactics differ. And that’s only because I haven’t really had this experience, but as I read what @LuckyGuy wrote I feel as if I’m reading Sun Tzu On War, but getting the benefit of having imagined @LuckyGuy On Marriage. I would do it his way.

I bow to an apparent master. I would steal his tactics and make them my own.

The point is that you want to recruit your husband into making it his idea to suggest, recommend and find a place for them to move out, to help them do it and to provide whatever assistance is required over the short and long term to make it stick. You just keep backing up his play (and steering him with appropriate quiet and private suggestions as required) and reward him profusely, yes, exactly the way you’d reward an obedient dog when he does well.

Its very serious problem in most of the families. I think you should have to discuss with you husband & after that discuss with your mother-in-law. And, tell them about your expenses & issues, which you are facing. It your responsibly to take of her but yes as well its very important to make a mutual understanding between you people.