How many veiled insults (this is just for fun) can you come up with?
Asked by
Kardamom (
33494
)
November 15th, 2013
This question was inspired by This Q regarding the term Bless his/her heart when making a disparaging comment about someone, but then trying to soften the blow, as if it wasn’t really their fault that the person was stupid/ignorant/ridiculous/foolish.
This Q is not meant to be mean spirited, just silly and fun. So be gentle, yet funny.
I’ll start off: “That boy Randy couldn’t find the Clyde Street CD Warehouse if somebody hired him a limousine and dropped kicked him off onto the front porch of that fine establishment. Bless his heart.”
Who wants to go first?
I only want nice people to answer.
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62 Answers
Is that a nose in your vagina or are you just glad to see me?
He wouldn’t object to someone pissing all over his back. Bless his heart….
Sweetie, I wouldn’t trust you to cut sliced bread – bless your heart.
Are you looking for sentences that go with bless your heart? Or, phrases that are backhanded like bless your heart? That someone who doesn’t know the inside joke may not realized they were just insulted.
I thought you want additional sayings and phrases, but everyone is answering the other way.
His dear mama cracked his head, but good, on an iron bead when he was a baby, bless his heart.
Randy is still looking for “only nice people” in the mirror, Bless his heart
Well, drat, @Kardamom, sorry. I got so excited, I didn’t read the body of the question.
Yes, make your statement, then say bless his/her/your heart. It’s a Southern tradition of making a disparaging (but most likely true) statement about someone, but then softening it with the bless your heart, because then it sounds like the person was so dumb that they weren’t really responsible for their actions, or it wasn’t their fault.
Another example: “That girl has the good sense of a lima bean. Bless her heart.”
Oh, that guy told me I was going to Hell, like Santa isn’t going to give me any presents. Bless his heart.
Sorry, got trolled on Facebook a little bit ago. Grr.
She isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, bless her heart.
He isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, bless his heart.
She isn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, bless her heart.
@Kardamom Really? I thought I was way off. Huh :]
@longgone The only difference, is usually that the person making the remark, is making it about a third person, not directly to the person in question.
OK…
In real life, I’m kind of the queen of left-handed compliments, but they are so situation-based. I just can’t do it on demand.
Not that I would ever say this to someone, but I’ve heard this said:
“Oh, that dress is lovely, honey! It really hides that little belly of yours!”
The worst ever that someone said to me, while I was bra shopping. The attendant saw I was having a hard time finding something that fit well. She looked at my then-recent surgical scars and said:
“Oh, sweetie, don’t worry, I’ve worked with plenty of women who have had botched liposuctions.”
But the Southern ladies never say anything directly to the person they’re insulting. It’s always to a third party.
“Phillis! Did you try that pecan pie of Elsie’s at the church pot-luck? She just tries so hard, doesn’t she, bless her heart.”
She just doesn’t get it, bless her heart.
@Kardamom Okay, that makes sense. Perfect example of the difference between being polite and being kind. I imagine these women a little like Monica’s mom :
“Oh, we’re having spaghetti. That’s…easy.”
But she, of course, doesn’t hide that part of her personality…
^ YES! Or pretty much anything Raymond’s Mom says about his wife on Everyone Loves Raymond.
@ibstubro You were close, oh so close, but not quite exactly right. Your person was just stating an actual fact.
You said: His dear mama cracked his head, but good, on an iron bead when he was a baby, bless his heart.
The more Southern tradition would have been more like: His dear mama cracked his head, but good on an iron bed when he was a baby. Now he ain’t got the sense of a pat of butter, bless his heart.
OIC @Kardamom. I was being subtle. I suppose my intent would have been clearer if I’d said “I believe his dear mama mighta cracked his head, but good, on an iron bead when he was a baby, bless his heart.
:-)
Well, I’m convinced I’ll never be a proper bitchy Southern woman. Ratsinagles. Bless my heart.
I got it! “She brought her specialty pie again, bless her heart.”
@ibstubro That’s still not quite right. Your statement, is still completely factually correct, even if it’s just supposition. The part that you need to add in, is the actual insult part. Let’s try it again.
“I believe his dear mama mighta cracked his head, but good, on an iron bead when he was a baby, poor boy needed two hands to count to four, bless his heart.
@Ductchess_III, still not quite right. Let try yours again.
“She brought her specialty pie again, although I told her we don’t really need no more door stops, bless her heart.”
^ I knew a kid who needed two hands to count to four. He had awesome handwriting, though.
Hobson (John Gielgud), valet to Arthur (Dudley Moore), specialized in veiled insults. Three of my favorites from the movie are in this scene.
He colors pretty good, for missing a couple of crayons in the eight pack, bless his heart.
Daww, he was such an ugly baby his mama fed him with a catapult, bless his heart.
Jesus used to practice cardiology, bless his heart.
I kind of think the opening sentence could go either way, but it’s the “Bless her heart,” that tells you that whomever screwed up….?
She couldn’t figure out how to pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the bottom of it, but she’ll give you the shirt off her back, bless her heart.
@Dutchess_III Not just that someone screwed up, but the result of the screwed up person, plus the “bless his heart.”
Wrong: “That poor Bobby, he’s not the brightest bulb in the box.” Bless his heart.
Correct: “That poor Bobby, his daddy used to sneak moonshine into his baby bottle. Did I tell you his daddy is a fisherman? Poor Bobby, that kid can’t tell a bad ass, from his dad’s bass. Bless his heart.
@Adirondackwannabe, yours is almost right, except that you have to switch the order of the phrases, so that the insult part comes at the end, like a zinger, then the bless her heart part.
Like this: “That Mary, she’ll give you the shirt off her back, but she couldn’t figure out how to pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the bottom of it, bless her heart.
How’s this: Those Smith boys are the hardest working group ever, but there’s a reason all of the bottles in their house have open other end written on the bottoms, bless their hearts.
OK, “He built the house. He meant to build it crooked, says it adds character, bless his heart.”
? GRADE???
I still prefer the left-handed compliment to the veiled insult.
“Valerie, darling! Aren’t you pretty! That dress looks lovely every time you wear it.”
@Seek_Kolinahr as far as backhanded compliments go there are a few report-card comments that always felt that way: most improved, exemplary attendence, good effort. Good effort aways seemed the worst like, “jeez, you tried your hardest and you still completely suck.”
Then there’s the more conventional, “he’s got a face for the radio.”
Not sure how to take that, but I think I’ll sulk for a while…
^^ Ooh… Once I got a “Perseverance” award from my school.
It was the “Kid who has no friends, but hasn’t killed him/herself yet” award.
@Seek_Kolinahr Ouch. It least it wasn’t “meets expectations” which I assume must be reserved for those students so hopelessly forgettable their teachers can’t remember them.
Lets play pretend, you can be the potato under the sink.
My grandma is a sweet old lady who means well, and doesn’t know any better, but she is totally fucking racist. Example: she met my ex, a Vietnamese-American guy. She kept telling him what a sweetheart he was, and how happy she was that I was dating him. (All truthful- after he went home, she said “I like him. When are you getting married?)
Grandma called me up later, sounding really excited. She said, “I saw someone on TV who looks JUST like [boyfriend’s name]! You will never believe it!”
She was watching a Jackie Chan movie.
When I tell people about my granny, the stories usually end with, “but she’s from another time, bless her heart.”
LOLL!! Bless her HEART @Haleth.
My Mom met a guy at our mower shop. He was Mexican American. She kept badgering him to talk to her in Spanish. He said he didn’t know any Spanish. She’d say, “How can you not know Spanish! You’re Mexican!”
I said, “Mom, do you speak Dutch? You are Dutch.” (Her parents immigrated from Holland. She was the first kid born on ‘Merican soil.)
She said, “Well, that’s…different.” But at least she quit bugging him.
“That poor child hit every branch in the ugly tree on the way down but he sure is sweet, bless his heart.”
@laurenkem Yes, yes, yes, we have a winner! That was perfect. That’s what I was going for.
@Kardamom YAY! Do I get a trophy???
@Dutchess_III Leggo my hair!
“That woman’s got more money than brains, but she sure is a good cook, bless her heart.”
@laurenkem You get a trophy for the first answer, but the 2nd one is not quite right because it’s just stating facts.
A better reading of that would be, “That woman’s got more money than brains, thank goodness she knows how to cook, bless her heart.” (Basically the fact that she can cook is all that she’s got going for her, but adding the bless her heart part is saying that it’s not her fault that she’s stupid).
‘Kardamom has more advice than Confucius, thank goodness she knows how to type, bless her heart.” .... Do I get a prize? Whether or not I let go of your hair @laurenkem depends on Confucius’ next answer…. :/
^^ Not yet, you’re still just stating facts.
A better reading would be, “That Kardamom has more advice than Confucius, but she couldn’t write a short sentence to save her life, bless her heart.”
OK. I’ll try it again. If I don’t get an award I won’t share my jalepeno poppers with you…:
“That Kardamom has more advice than Confucius, but she couldn’t write a short sentence to save her life, bless her heart.”
REWARD?????
Ding! Ding! Ding! We’ve got a winner.
Here is your reward : )
Oh! I happy now!! ♪ ♫ ♥ ♥ ♥
@Dutchess_III I should like to have a jalapeno popper too, please
Okay, now I have to try again too…
“That child could play the harp like an angel, but the poor thing couldn’t uncross her eyes on a bet, bless her heart.”
OK. What is your email address? I will send it.
@laurenkem And you get another prize! I ain’t got no jalapeno poppers, will This do?
@Kardamom YUM! Thanks, I needed that num num num
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