Would you contact a half-sibling you've never met?

Yes, I’ve done it with all three of my half-sibs. It brought me some closure, but it was difficult, awkward and didn’t end very well.

My gut reaction to your very interesting question is, go for it; otherwise, you might miss out on a wonderful new relationship. I can certainly understand your fear, but I think you should give him a chance to reciprocate. Make your initial contact short and see what happens,

I have quite a few half siblings on my dad’s side. He (and they) has been absent for the majority of my life and I have no interest in making contact with any of them. Having a dad in common doesn’t make us family, it just makes us related. I have more contact with my incarcerated step-brother, if that tells you anything at all.

I have a half sister on my mom’s side, but she may as well be my whole sister because we grew up together. I’ve never actually referred to her as my half sister until now.

There’s more to family than blood. My step-father is my dad. That other guy is my sperm donor. No need for contact with anyone in that side.

Has anyone heard of that new MTV series about the girl with two moms that goes on a search for her sperm donor and ends up finding a crazy number of siblings?

My cousin was adopted. In adulthood, she located and contacted her birth mother. She found an unpleasant woman who had no regrets about having given up her child and didn’t want any kind relationship. I have a friend who also found her biological mother, and she met a disgusting old drunk who wreaks havoc and frequently hits her up for money.

I’m not presuming that my half-brother is a bad person. To the contrary, all the news articles and Facebook posts add up to a lovely man with an equally nice wife and family. Yet, my gut keeps telling me to “let sleeping dogs lie.” For now, I continue to hover online and follow these people through the internet.

If it were me I definitely would. No way to know what his reaction will be. Keep in mind that even if he is thrilled to meet you, he may not be very good at really starting up or maintaining a relationship. Maybe you won’t want that either.

I’d contact him via Facebook as you suggest. Nothing ventured. I you know he’s not an axe murderer. I don’t really see the downside.

Of course, if it was a half sister, given MY family, I’d have to think twice.

Is your mom still alive? What’s she think?

@SadieMartinPaul I have childhood friends who found their birth parents, and found a loving family with open arms, ready to accept them. His mom was just very young when he was born, and made the best she felt she could of a bad situation.

You really never know. Worst that can happen is they say “no”.

Nope. No interest in it whatsoever. Unless he/she is hot.

I’d encourage you reaching out, but absolutely NOT on Facebook. Facebook just seems too impersonal and almost public. If he accepts a friend request, you really have no idea how many questions it will raise in his life.

And connection with a half sibling is something to be contemplated in private and over time, not something to be accepted with little thought or processing.

Write him a letter, good luck on your efforts.

I think there is nothing wrong with sending a private message on facebook. I might agree with contacting him a different way might be more ideal, but I contacted cousins on facebook I didn’t know existed, it was just blind because of their surnames and they were always very receptive.

Just make sure it is a message to his inbox and not on his wall if you are going to facebook him.

@SadieMartinPaul I can honestly say that if I had to do it all over again, I’d have never contacted them and would have put it out of my mind, but on the other hand, some people get new siblings and a lot of love and joy, so you have a 50/50 chance. Sometimes the risk is worth it, so it depends on if you’re a ‘no regrets’-type like me or not.

With our family situation, it just caused more heartache and drama and negativity because my bio-father is a jerk and never told them about me, so they felt betrayed by their parents and transferred that to me because I was the bearer of the news that their parents weren’t good people.

Having no frame of reference here other than an adopted son of my father’s cousin, which is a fairly distant relationship as far as I’m concerned in my own family (and who had a pretty rocky childhood, adolescence and early death besides), I’m not sure how to advise here.

But I suppose that if you do it with some amount of tact and restraint: “Hello, I’m so-and-so. I don’t think you know of me, but I’m your half-sister, based on… [etc.]” and closing with something like “If you’re interested in knowing more about me and perhaps meeting sometime, well, so am I.”

It does sort of seem like a junior-high note “Do you like me? Check the box for Yes or No,” I suppose, but at least it gives the other party some room and time to consider and decide, at least, more than showing up outside his door one day with a six-pack of beer and a pizza. Although I can see an upside to that approach, as well.

I think you should. It could turn out bad, it could turn out great. But if you don’t take the chance you’ll spend the rest of your life wonder “What if…?” At least if you do it you’ll know.

Good luck and please let us know.

I have a half sister who I’ve never met. I’ve always wanted to meet her but never put in the effort to tracking her down. I figure it’s probably for the best.

In my extended family there are several half-sibs. They have all had good experiences after contact.

Life is too short and family too rare. I would reach out.

Thank you, everyone, for your compassionate and helpful comments.

I guess I’ll know when I’m ready to reach out, and I’ll do so then.

I mentioned my half-brother’s son, who was quite famous for a while… During that period of time, he was on a reality TV show. He did very well and lasted until the end. Of course, I watched every minute of every episode. He’s such a warm, kind, and likeable young man. Because life’s weird and the world’s a small place, I accidently met his ex-girlfriend last year. She confirmed all my impressions of how terrific he really is; it wasn’t just a favorable edit, but the actual truth about him. And, she told me that his parents and siblings, including my half-brother, are the same way.

So, when the time comes, I have some great relatives out there.

@SadieMartinPaul I was wondering if your mom still living? That could be a big influence on the decision.

I was approached by a half sister and apparently I had/have a lot of unresolved abandonment issues, because it took me 2 years to agree to meet her. We met, she’s nice, and I’d be surprised if I ever get together with her again.

So, really, it’s up to you, but respect his wishes if he has no interest in meeting.

@ibstubro Yes, our mutual mother is still living, but she’s in a fairly advanced stage of Alzheimer’s disease. Sometimes, she has trouble remembering the two children she had and raised – my full brother and me – so I doubt that she has any recollection of her first baby.

Mom has an amazing case of “pleasant dementia.” She’s sweet and loving, and her long-term memory is limited to good, happy times. She can’t remember anything bad from her past, just great memories. The painful choice to give up her child for adoption? I’m sure she forgot that a long time ago.

Okay, thanks. I was just thinking that if she was still capable that you wouldn’t want to go against her wishes while she’s alive.

@SadieMartinPaul I think the opposite, I think she is likely to remember. But, it is a hard question to consider whether to mention it to her or not. Since your mom is near the end of her life, maybe you want to give your half brother the opportunity to meet her, even if he doesn’t reveal who he is.

That’s a tough one @JLeslie. There is no predicting how a person with Alzheimer’s person could react.

When my wife’s father died, we didn’t know his girlfriend was preggers. The mom decided not to tell the family about the baby. That was back in 1987.
My wife went back to Michigan a couple years ago, and decided to do a little genealogy work while there, and she started going through the obituaries. She found a picture of her half brother, who had died a few months before. The picture was the spitting image of her father and a brother she grew up with. Her unknown brother had died of a heart defect when he was 21. She never knew about him while he was alive.
Yes, she wishes she had a chance to meet him.

@Dutchess_III Yeah. My grandmother had pretty much lost her short term memory and parts of her long term memory. During that time one of her close girlfriends from gradeschool died. My grandma did not forget. Even though it was a recent event she kept bringing it up. She forgot she told us, but she did not forget she lost her friend. We kind of regretted telling her. But, this situation is different, because this could be something her mother has always wanted. To meet her son, touch him again, see him happy. I have no way to know. It might bring back very sad memories. If she has no memory of it, it might be very anxiety provoking for her to be told something like that and she doesn’t remember, really tough. But, he could theoretically meet her without letting her know who he is. If he cares. My sister always teases me my dad is not my dad. If I found out it was true I don’t think I would wonder who is my bio dad or care about meeting him. Hard to know unless it happens to you though.

I have a half brother and half sister through my father that I haven’t seen since I was 6. The half sister met up with one of my brothers in another state and although I was asked, I didn’t go. My brother said it was a nice visit, but it was like talking to a stranger and they didn’t really warm up to each other.
I don’t have any desire to meet up with them.

My father was married and had a daughter before he married my mother. Found out about my half sister when I was 48 and sent her a letter. It worked out we had a nice relationship, me in Ohio, her in California, however one of her three daughters, who was named for me (she knew about me since my birth) will not acknowledge me at all. The other tow love me dearly, my sister died 2 years ago but I ded get lots of. Answers from her about our dad. It was a great 6 year journey of phone calls, letters and emails.

Go for it and be honest that you only want to meet, you want nothing other than to get to know him… I think y ou will be surprised and happy

I doubt that my half-brother and I would have anything in common. He was raised in the deep south, and I’m a New Englander. He was adopted by an LDS couple, and seems to be observant and devout, but I’m agnostic. He has 5 grown kids and scads of grandchildren, and I didn’t have any children.

Yet, I found him by chance and instinct. Although I had his adopted name, and I knew he’d grown up in Georgia, both his first and last names are very, very common. There were dozens of same-named men living in Georgia. But, the first time I saw his son on TV, I had chills over my entire body. He looked exactly like my full-brother. I knew, in that moment, that I’d found the right family.

Can blood be thicker than water? Perhaps.

@Sadie Yes it is. At least ttwice in my life I followed my biodad without knowing he was around. SUPER FREAKY.

@KNOWITALL I’d love to learn more about your experience. What do you mean when you say that you “followed” your biological father? Are you speaking literally or figurtively? I’m truly intrigued, and I’m always find your posts interesting.

No I wouldn’t. I would have no interest whatsoever.

I have known for 30 years that I have a half brother and was searching for the past 25 years. I just recently found him. I don’t find it awkward in any way, we share a lot of the same interest and share in a lot of bad habits. Yes we are different in a lot of ways as well. He was upset with our father (rightfully so) but he made peace with that along time ago. We are 16 years apart and it feels great to connect with him. He was not hesitant in any way – he was actually very happy and we were able to answer questions we both had. It closed a gap that I felt for a very long time.

@SadieMartinPaul I am happy to discuss via PM if you’d like.