Give me your best hillbilly jokes, assumptions or rumors!

I’d like you to meet the mother of my children, my mother.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says no crack and it reminds you to pull your pants up.

Hillbilly says to his wife, “Huney, if’n we wuz to git a deevorce, wood you still be mah sister?”

Hillbilly boy: Paw, why do you walk me to school every day?
Hillbilly man: ‘Cause weze in the same grade son.

Definition of a bum: A Hillbilly that’s too lazy to hunt

A Hillbilly walking down the road sees his friend coming toward him carrying a burlap sack. “Whut you got in that thar sack, Junior?”
“Chickens.” Says Junior.
“Chickens, huh? If I guess how many chickens, will you give me one of’em?” The first Hillbilly asked.
Junior thought a minute. “Hell, if’n you guess how many chickens I got in here, I’ll give you both of’em!”
“Three!?!” The first Hillbilly confidently replied.
“Damn!” Exclaims Junior, “How’d you do that?”

A Hillbilly was sitting on his front porch and his wife came out and sat down next to him and said, “Can I have me some shoes this year?”
He slowly looked at her and said, “I told you, you ain’t gittin no shoes ‘til yer twelve!”

Definition of a Hillbilly virgin: A girl that can out run her brother
A girl that’s uglier than her brother
An ugly third grader
A ten year old that has her own gun
or
A nine year old with chicken pox

Hillbilly romance: “Oh baby, your dick is so much bigger than your brother’s.” or “Baby, you’re the best lover in all of your family.”
A hillbilly ten: A four and a six pack.

@Adirondackwannabe hahahaha, love the hillbilly ten, that is sooooooo funny!

For some reason I’m thinking for Joe Dirt and ‘you’re my sister’....lol

Clem pulled the car over to the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.

“It was right down there by that tree. I remember it plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled.

“That sounds wonderful,” said Jed.

“Yes. It was…...until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

“Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”

“Ba-a-a-a-ahh…”

Q: What do hillbillies do for Halloween?

A: Pump kin.

^^^^ Oh my…..lolol

You know you’re a redneck when…

The truck driver tells your wife to stop swearing so much.

The only reading material you have is a restraining order telling you to stay away from your wife.

When you watch televised lawnmower races.

When your TV shelf is actually some cinder blocks and two by fours.

Hillbilly family reunion, where you go to pick up chicks.

@Symbeline HAHAHA, truck driver one is GOOD!

What’s the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? “Nice tooth!”
How does a redneck take a bubble bath? He farts in a puddle.

How do you castrate a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw!

A young ventriloquist is touring through the southern United States and stops to entertain at a small bar in Texas. He’s going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, “I heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes. We ain’t all stupid here in the South.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talkin to the smart ass little fella on your knee.”

Hillbilly pick up lines….

Are yer parents retarded? ‘cuz ya sure are special.
Did you fart? ‘cuz you just blew me away!
Hey you looking for a stud in your life? Cause I got the STD all I need is U.
Hey Baby. Wanna go back to my place? Mamma said you had to be home by 10 anyway.

Hillbilly Surf and Turf: Carp and a roadkill woodchuck.

This is a TRUE story! When I first moved up here to the Sierra Foothills in 1991 my dog was shot by a Hillbilly rancher across the road and through the trees. I woke up one morning and my house was surrounded by cows. My dog flipped out and dashed out the door and chased them across the road into the woods. A few minutes later I heard a loud gunshot and just KNEW what had happened.

A few minutes later my dog came limping home with a gaping, fist sized hole blown out of his right flank. It was BAD! I rushed him to the vet for surgery and later that night before dark I went in search of the road to Hillbilly town. Bouncing down a dirt road and going through cattle gates until I came upon the property.

I was scared to death but PISSED off beyond words. No way was I going to take the shortcut through the woods into their back 40 where my dog was shot.
The guy that came out was, seriously a Zeek. Toothless, rolling his own cigarette and, get this, he had a JUG on his belt in a leather thong! lol

When I demanded to know who shot my dog he said ” I dunno nuthin’ about shootin’ no dog!” I told him that my dog had chased his escaped cows BACK through the HOLE in HIS fence and he said ” Wull..I’ll a’ havta talk to the boss lady.”
Amazingly enough they discovered the broken fence line and gave me $100 towards the vet bill which was several hundred but hey…I was grateful. haha

My dog survived having his leg nearly blown off by a 30–06, had surgery, buckshot in his front paw and leg and the wound was hideous but healed. What an experience!

As we all know, guns are the answer to every problem….

Two hillbillies were hunting about 5 minutes from town. One accidentally shot the other and, after two hours, he got his buddy into town to the hospital. The victim was rushed into surgery and after some time the doctor came out to inform the shooter. “Will he live, doc?” “He would’ve if you hadn’t gutted him first.”

@Coloma Cattle people in general will protect their stock against all predators (worth a lot of money!), and dogs roaming free sometimes come in packs/ wild dogs. Just another good reminder to have your dog in a fence or on a leash at all times for THEIR protection.

Goes to show there are Bubba’s all over the US – lol

@KNOWITALL Oh yeah, I know, it is legal to shoot dogs worrying or harassing livestock in this county, but….it was the fact their fence was down, my dog wasn’t just running loose. :-)
I don’t keep guns but if a dog was after my geese I’d club them with a stick. haha

@Coloma I get it, trust me, I was woken up all my life with cows in the road every few months- unless your fence is brand new or you check fencelines every day, it’s bound to happen with large cattle though, they have no respect for boundaries..lol

I was warned all my life that if any dog I brought home chased cattle they’d be put down with no warnings from my gpa, just one of those deals I guess. I’m not saying Bubba was right to shoot your dog by any means, but I’d put the fault at 50/50 in that situation myself, him for not checking the fence, you for not controlling your dog. No offense doll, I know how it goes in the country, but that’s the risk you take. I had a few dogs hit by cars way out in the sticks letting them roam, and one shot by a neighbor.

@KNOWITALL I agree, and was happy with the share of the vet bill they did pay. My dog bolted out the door when he saw those cows. Anyway, I haven’t had a dog in 15 years now, that;s why I liked my geese so much. Nobody ever calls and says ” your goose just ran my cow into a fence.: lol

Man, @Coloma You’re lucky they didn’t shoot you too!
Actually, shovels work better than sticks. Ask WillWorkForChocolate.

Walmart is going to open dentist offices inside their stores. In the south, they will have an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less.