Can't even change clothes in private at home?

Change with your hand against the door so that if they try to open it you can keep it closed. I know that situation unfortunately but after a while they get the picture.

Sounds like somebody has boundary issues. I recommend leaving pronto. If that isn’t an option then get her some professional help. Of course, older minds are less malleable/flexible, so it may take more years of therapy than she has left on this planet.

Unless you want to start/escalate a conflict, there is no way you can stay there. And since you’re an adult, she can’t make you stay.

@XOIIO No. No, they won’t. The best that could happen there is that grandma won’t completely wig out.

You’re right in that it is unreasonable for your grandmother to burst into your room without knocking. That is rude behaviour, regardless of whose house it is. If you are not allowed to install a lock on the door, consider getting one of those little wooden wedges that people use to hold doors open. Assuming your door swings inward, no one will be able to open your door if you are inside. If she tells you this is a safety risk, then tell her you’ll stop using it as soon as she has learned to knock. Presumably, she cares about your safety enough to do that.

I think she just doesn’t understand modesty when it is women around women. I could care less if my grandma saw me naked. I would care if she just walked in my room though if my door was closed. A knock I think is not much to ask. But, if you don’t let her in the bathroom even after the knock, and you were taking a long time in the bathroom that might be a big inconvenience for her, it sounds like you have accomodated that though. Is she coming in room, because there are things of her stored in your room? Or, just to talk to you?

@JLeslie Most of the time it’s just to ask me a question. If she knocked and said she needed to get something, I would just tell her to hold on a sec, throw on a t-shirt, and let her in.

@glacial I might try the wedge thing, didn’t think about that

@jerv I’m saving for my own place, but I only work on campus right now. Can’t afford an apartment on broke college student funds lol That’s why I’m living here for the time being

Let her barge in and see you naked a few times or in your underwear. What harm would that do? You and she have very different ideas of what is reasonable.

Or get a little hook and eye catch that you use only when you want a liitle privacy; say for a fifteen-minute period. Give her that info.

Actually, @glacial‘s wooden wedge is a better idea because it doesn’t need to be installed.

I feel that this question is not simply about whether it’s “ok” for the grandmother to see the OP naked. The point is, the OP has one room in this house to call her own space. I know that in the same circumstances, I would feel that the intrusions were a way of saying that that this was not my home – that I had no control, and no place I could exhale and feel relaxed. It is about more than just seeing bits of anatomy.

In the OP’s position, having set a boundary like this would mean a great deal to me, and having the grandmother ignore it would feel like a demonstration of disrespect. Perhaps that is not the grandmother’s intention – but it is what she is doing. She is showing that all the control is hers, and that the OP has no claim to any of her territory.

lock the door.

@glacial It isn’t her home.

@JLeslie That is a very unwelcoming attitude. If I invited anyone to be a guest in my house, I would allow them a private space for them to unwind. To do anything less is extremely uncharitable.

Maybe you could point out that it’s more a respect issue than a privacy one? And while you realize it’s your grandparents’ home, that right now that room is your only personal space… throw in that you would never dream of simply walking into her room without knocking because you know how rude it would be…

@glacial I am not defending the grandmother. I don’t understand not knocking. If my husband has the door closed I knock and we don’t have any modesty issues at all; I see him naked every day. If the grandmother spent the last 30 years not worried about closed doors, and never gave her own children that sort of privacy (I have no idea of course if that is the case) it might be hard to get her to change at this point, or to understand why it would be a problem. Since the OP has stated to her grandma she is modest about being naked, and the grandmother obviously thinks that is ridiculous (I don’t think that is ridiculous, everyone is entitled to their own level of comfort in that realm) the grandma isn’t taking it seriously.

It is the grandmother’s house though, you know how we always say their house their rules. I know this isn’t the same as a teenager and a parent, and not really a rule, but that is how she lives in that house of hers. No boundaries. If the grandmother walked in on the OP masterbating maybe it would put a stop to it; but, I don’t recommend that avenue.

@cutiepi92 Did you talk to her more than once about it? Don’t just give up if you only verbalized your objection once. Exolain again you just prefer to have a shirt on before she opens the door. That it makes you very uncomfortable and it will only take you a minute to pull something on. Maybe you already have spoken to her multiple times.

Does she tend to leave all doors open? Her bedroom? When she is in the bathroom doesn’t pull the door tight? Does she say your name before she bursts in? Saying your name might be like a knock to her.

Does she only do it in the morning when you are getting ready?

I get it, and usually gma’s are a little more understanding of young girls. Do you not get along well, or aren’t real close?

Maybe you need a private coffee break or something with gma to explain that although you’re both women, you just need to feel relaxed in your own space in this one little room. Mention the bathroom issue and how you accomodated her, and see if maybe she could do the same.

Or get out of her house, whichever works. My gma bent over backwards to spoil me and I had my own room since I was little, so I can’t imagine a situation in which gma is kind of disrespectful of your feelings like that. weird.

At this late stage you probably won’t change your grandmother’s habits but as someone else suggested, lock the door. If there’s no lock, install an inexpensive sliding latch.

I think she should talk to her again before putting a latch on the door. It is the grandmother’s house. Knocking things into the wall I would never do without the owners permission, that is a lack of respect also in my opinion. The under door stop makes more sense to me in this case if she is going to try to stop the door from opening somehow.

@JLeslie She does it at any time of day. She does say my name, but she says it AS she is opening the door. No pause for an answer or anything which kinda makes it irrelevant. We have a linen closet in our bathroom right by the door, so when she’s in there changing she opens the linen closet door and mostly closes the bathroom door so it’s not locked or anything, but you definitely can’t see inside. And she definitely doesn’t like me just coming in either if she is in the bathroom in a state of undress. The door is covered for a reason. My grandparents definitely are less modest than I am (more than once have I unfortunately walked by while they were using the bathroom with the door WIDE open). However, it is a problem for me and this is not the first time I have said something about it. SN: I don’t even masturbate anymore unless the house is empty cuz of this lol. Too scared of getting caught

It’s a three bedroom house, two bathrooms. One in the master bedroom and one in the hallway. My grandpa uses the one in the bedroom and I share the one in the hallway with my grandmother. It’s not a huge house, but it’s definitely not “tight” living quarters.

We get along alright. I wouldn’t go so far as to say we have a “bad” relationship. She does not respect my privacy though, which is a huge issue with me. It is not uncommon for me to come home and find my stuff gone through or things put in different places where I left them….....had to have an awkward conversation as to why I had lingerie in a bag in the back of my closet…..

Outside of her disrespecting any semblance of privacy I have, I wouldn’t have any problem with her.

I live at home with my parents and bought an addalock for my room. It is easily removable for the person inside the room and recalls no formal installation with tools so you won’t be altering the space itself. To respect my parents boundaries, since it is not my home, I only have the lock installed if I need the privacy (working, changing, or with my significant other.) Otherwise, they are welcome to barge in if they need me for anything.

However, in my situation, my parents have learned that I need privacy and have begun knocking before entering since I started using the lock. I am not sure if your grandmother would adjust as readily. It’s entirely possible that even using a lock like mine might come across as provocation to her and may create hostility between the two of you. I agree with @JLeslie that you may want to warn her that you will barricade the door when you are changing or otherwise “indecent” (there’s no reason for you to give up “personal time” while living with her.)

If you want to continue living with her, you are going to have to try and communicate your needs to her. I don’t think there is a clear-cut solution to it.

Is this the first time you actually asked her to knock first?
If you didn’t back down she might just comply even though she says “she can’t handle” it.
Next time she does it say again, “I love you grandma, but I really have to ask you to knock first.” Eventually, it will be harder to “handle” the confrontation than it will be to actually knock.
Today, don’t back down but make sure she understands that you love her and appreciate her letting you live with her. I’m assuming she doesn’t have to do that.

@cutiepi92 Do you think she is suspicious of what you are doing? Drugs or something? She is hoping to “catch” you?

My husband and I almost never close any doors. None. Once in a while I close the bathroom door to not wake him up, of if I have my period I might. We have to remember to adjust when other people are staying with us. When I am staying with just my mom, sister, aunt, or grandma I would not worry about doors being closed shut either. If I were changing a tampon I would bother, or actually using the toilet. They would knock if the door is completely closed, or say my name as entering, and I could stop them before they were all the way in.

I’m not sure if it helps but you can put a “Do Not Enter” sign on your door or doorknob when you are changing.

I agree it is a boundary and respect issue more so than a privacy issue. I would continue to set and stick to your boundaries, be polite but firm. Don’t apologize or explain. Stick with ONE line you deliver over and over again, the “broken record” routine.
” Grandma, I need you to knock before coming into my room.”

It doesn’t matter that it is her house, your room is YOUR private space and should not be invaded by anyone without appropriate notice.
When she is arguing with you about this issue she is attempting to MANIPULATE you to concede to HER desire to feel she has the right to tromp all over your boundaries.

I like this phrase when dealing with difficult others:

Do not J.A.D.E.

Justify, argue, defend or explain.

WHY you want her to knock first is NOT up for discussion.
I would go for the one line, broken record routine and if, after a few times, she is still disrespecting your boundary I would then add a consequence.
” You know grandma, you are disrespecting my very reasonable request and I need to let you know that if you continue to refuse to knock I will be…..installing a lock, moving out, blocking the door, putting a bucket of water over the door jam.” lol

I hate to advocate passive aggressive tactics, but….you could always just block the door with something. Toss a folded blanket on the ground or push a chair up against it. No, you shouldn’t have to do this, but it would slow her down and make breezing in not so breezy. haha

@JLeslie, excuse me, but I didn’t mean to suggest that @cutiepi92 not talk first to her grandmother. In fact, asking permission might well force a discussion that leads to a mutually acceptable solution.

I understand that you don’t want to put a lock on the door, as that would be a change in hardware that, as the owner of the house, she has the right to veto. However, you can use a doorstop (google “security doorstop” or “hotel doorstop” for some models that would work for you). You put the doorstop on when you absolutely do not want anyone to come through the door, and the only way for them to come through then is to break down the door.

But I would also be making plans to make tracks, because anyone who walks through another’s “private space” door, whether it’s a bathroom, bedroom, closet or even dresser or desk drawer, is not someone that’s not going to respect any privacy issues.

@Pachyderm_In_The_Room You weren’t the only one suggesting the various locks. I don’t think anyone who did suggest a lock mentioned talking to her first about putting one up, I might have missed someone saying so though. I was just pointing out that I think any hole in the wall should be discussed first. I didn’t assume you didn’t agree with that, I am glad you do.

Yah I think locks are a no go. They’re understandably against that. I will look into doorstops though.

@JLeslie no, she’s not suspicious of me. If she is, I definitely don’t get that vibe from her. I don’t have a history of doing drugs or anything. Honestly, most of the time if I have my door closed at night she believes I’m either sleep or doing homework (which are really the only other times I close my door). She goes through my things not out of suspicion, but because I think she has mild OCD. She’s a neat freak to the extreme and is constantly moving things around.

@cutiepi92; Put a very small Havahart trap in your lingerie next time. (Well, no, don’t. But imagine it.)

Leave a note in your lingerie container that says, “Hi, grandma. I caught you snooping.” (Well, probably also a bad idea.)

@cutiepi92 I couldn’t deal with someone rearranging my things. She does it with items you leave in your room? Or, just when you leave things out in common areas. If she is really OCD it will be difficult to fix it. She is compulsive, if she doesn’t take care of whatever is bothering her it causes her anxiety. The only possibility is to have a real heart to heart with her, tell her you have noticed she has rearranged some things and you want to know what you can do so your things don’t bother her. Maybe if she opens up about what bothers her you can understand better and avoid doing those things if she is specific enough, and then you can talk again about the door knock issue. Really try to word it in a way that you want to accomodate her so she isn’t defensive. Either way, I would have a tough time living in that situation. It sounds like easily everyone could start to feel like they are living on eggshells.

@JLeslie: OP said, ”..had to have an awkward conversation as to why I had lingerie in a bag in the back of my closet…..”

Does your door open into or outside of your bedroom?

If the door opens into your room – when you’re entering from the hallway, you need to push rather than pull – jam a small chair between the doorknob and the floor. If you don’t have a suitable chair, you can buy one for very little money at a thrift shop. The first time your grandmother tries to barge in but meets resistance, just yell, “I’m not dressed. I’ll come out in just a few minutes, when I’m decent.”

Your grandmother has some real issues with respect and boundaries. She’ll become very angry, and likely scold and lecture you, when she figures out that you’ve blocked her from entering. Just tell her that you’re a modest person who needs to dress and undress privately. When she give you her line about having seen you naked many times, remind her that you’re no longer a baby.

Good luck with this. Frankly, your grandmother sounds like a nuisance. My own, late Nana would never have treated me, or any of my cousins, that way.

Oh trust that I hate when she goes through my things in my room. I have talked to her about it numerous times. I’ve kinda given up though because she’s done this my entire life, and before me. Everyone knows that she’s the only one who knows where anything is in the house because she moves things around so much; if she moves something of mine and then forgets where it is, I’m SOL. I think it does cause her anxiety. She’s never been diagnosed, but we all think she has it. After all, in her old age if she even sees the slightest bit of lint on the floor she will still bend over to pick it up. Little stuff like that, you know?

I love my grandma to death, don’t get me wrong, I just can’t stand her not doing something as simple as a knock :( No boundaries at all….

@cutiepi92 All you can do is set your limits. It is never too late to learn respect! If nobody challenges your grandmas issues she will never be forced to learn. If you have to, you tell her that her behavior is unhealthy and that she can do whatever she wants with others but not with you! Barging in on you is bad enough but rearranging your stuff, no way! Ya gotta get TOUGH with this tough old bird girl! Good luck!

Know the feeling. At age 53, when staying at my parent’s house, staying for a visit, not living with them, they would just open the closed bedroom door. When I asked if they would knock first in case I was changing, my Mother could not understand why. Her reply, “Well, it’s just me and your daddy, and he doesn’t mind.” My reply, “BUT I DO.” Both said their feelings were hurt. Absolutely no respect for boundaries. And then, the knocking and their calling my name became very exaggerated. A few years later, I purchased a home and moved them into the downstairs master bedroom. Yes, at the time I had money and felt it was the right thing to do to help them out. During our mild winters, I was dying of heat upstairs and had to keep my windows open to bring in cool air. I would go downstairs and ask if we could set the thermostat to a cooler temperature but they said no, they wanted to be warm and 80 degrees was comfortable for them. And yes, they were sitting around in thin nightclothes and my dad in his boxers, just boxers. They refused to put on more clothes and stated they had the right to set the temp at their comfort level. Needless to say, for many other reasons, I am no longer in that situation.

Thanks for the responses you guys. I guess she has just made me feel like having that amount of privacy was asking too much and it’s nice to know that I’m not wrong for feeling this way.

@cutiepi92 You have my sympathies. It’s so easier for outsiders to see the problem clearly and tell you to “set boundaries” or “stand up for yourself.” Personal matters, especially those that involve family members, are never quite so simple. There are too many emotions and entanglements. And, who among us really likes conflict? Unless a situation becomes untenable, it’s only human to go along and keep the peace.

Then, there’s the matter of you living in your grandmother’s home. Whether her actions are right or wrong, she ultimately gets to make all the rules. As some people have mentioned, you might need to move out and be on your own.

@cutiepi92 No, you are NOT wrong, your grandma is manipulative, and manipulative people WANT you to feeld bad for not letting them do as they please. Sometimes you have to rock the dysfunctional boat, and this is one of those times! Your grandma has to know, on some deep level, that she is in the wrong. That’s the game, if she can make you feel guilty for expecting respect, she wins!

IF you really start enforcing your boundaries she will, most likely, spare no expense in trying to get you to conform. Be on the lookout for more manipulative behaviors like the silent treatment, looking sad, playing the victim, all of which is just more manipulation and emotional abuse.
You need to call her out and use the strong words, like ” disrespect, boundaries, control, and TELL HER…like it or not granny you are stepping on my toes and I will not allow it! Pffft!

That is uncomfortable, and others have offered good advice. Are you paying rent to your grandparents? If so, that is even more unacceptable of her to not give you any space. But also, if you aren’t, and even if you are, why not just get a different apartment, where you won’t have someone to barge into your room? Even with roommates, generally no one opens a closed door to someones room.

@cutiepi92 Here’s something nobody has suggested yet: Get a locking chest big enough to store all the things you can’t afford to have moved, and make sure it is big enough it won’t easily be moved out of the room. Explain to her why you’re doing it (because I have things that I need to be able to find when I need it, and not after you’ve had to find them for me). That should resolve the other issue.

You are allowed privacy, not all people understand it, but you have a right to have it. So lock the door when you change.

I agree with the door wedge suggestion. Much better than a lock, which is a potential fire hazard anyway. It’ll take her a little more effort to open your door if something is blocking it.

Also you could try putting different colored ties, like men’s ties, or ribbons like the kind you get from any crafts store, on your door handle and each color could represent when you’re changing, or just want some alone time, same thing with the bathroom.
You could make out a list for your grandma about this system and put it on the fridge so everyone can see it.
I also agree about getting a big locked chest to put your things in, or at least your most important and valuable things. Always have that key with you. Might be expensive, but at least you’ll have peace of mind. Plus you can use it to help you move things later when you move out.

Just take comfort in knowing this is not a permanent arrangement for you, you’ll be out of there eventually.

I am thinking she thinks of you as a child, since you are her granddaughter. My suggestion is to ask one of HER children (i.e. your mom preferably or an aunt or uncle) to talk to her about it. Perhaps she will respect their opinion and take this idea more seriously if it comes from them and they can advocate for you.

Also one more idea. I don’t think you said how old she is, but is there a possibility she’s getting a little Alzheimer’s?

How ‘bout just a ” Do not disturb” sign on the door knob? haha
Really, even that is over the top, when a simple ” Please knock” should be all that is needed.

You’re completely right but don’t make an issue out of it. It doesn’t seem like she will understand where you’re coming from. Just change clothes very quickly.