How do your looks influence your life?

I am average looking, but I don’t expect to get ahead in life by my looks. I work for what I have, not flutter my eyelashes to get it.

I rely on my charm.

I’ve told this story before so I will not go into big details, so as not to be redundant, but I had weight loss surgery a few years ago and lost over 100 lbs. Without an interview or even a discussion about a new job, I was offered a new job. I represent an organization that represents over 3000+ members. I meet with politicians, negotiate with management, deal with lawyers and I have a beautiful office with a great view of the city. Would I have been offered this job, sight unseen, if I were over 300 pounds? I would guess not. I can’t be sure, but I was barely able to walk, so I don’t think I would have made the best impression in representing this organization in the condition I used to be in.

I didn’t realize it at the time I was at my biggest, but when I look at old photos, I say “Oh. My. God.” I used to want to lie down all the time. I couldn’t keep up with my child. I didn’t go on an airplane for years because I was afraid I wouldn’t fit into the seat. I couldn’t go on most amusement park rides for the same reason.

Also, people are nicer to me now. I see men looking at me in stores and in public. When I do my work and meet people, they’re all very friendly. Where I live, they’re very nice to me and they used to not talk to me at all. Some people where I live asked me “Are you new here?” I told them “no, I lived here for over 12 years but I used to be really heavy so you might not recognize me.”

I also smile a lot. I always did and I find smiling is very helpful in life.

In discussing this with friends, they theorize that it’s probably not only because I look better to others (and more “acceptable”) but that I project confidence and am friendlier in return, due to being proud of how I look. I think that theory is accurate.

I can now wear regular sizes. I can buy clothes in regular stores and they’re cheaper.

It’s all good.

I’m a handsome bastard, have always had plenty of female attention, some of it unwanted.
Hasn’t unduly influenced the way I live my life though, i’m not that shallow…yet ;-}

As a Pachyderm, I’ve always managed to get my way. As a human being who, in the ‘70s was mistaken for Elliot Gould by two old ladies in an elevator in Hollywood, somewhat less so. I won’t comment on my looks, but I’ve always felt I possessed a modicum of charm and wit (inherited from my extremely charming and witty dad) that have served me well.

My husband 30 minutes ago commented on a woman he found unattractive (on the TV) and to get to the punch line he ended with, “that’s why I am with you.” So, if I didn’t look like I do I would not be with my husband most likely. It was more about “type” and what he associates certain features with. Goes partly to social strata in the country he was raised in. It is more about who he would approach at first glance as a possible love interest. It isn’t that I am spectacularly beautiful, I think I am average, but just about my features, mostly what God gave me, dumb luck. Whenever he comments on how beautiful a woman is she almost always can be classified as the same type as me, even if they are much prettier.

Most everyone can be attractive. Part of it is grooming, how we hold ourselves, dress, etc. @jca mentioned weight, and I do think overweight people, especially women, tend to be judged harshly and overlooked. I have never been very overweight, so that has been an advantage for me I think. My body is in good proportion more or less. My experience among friends and coworkers is that overweight people were treated equally, but I think getting the job is the biggest hurdle. Attractive people who have the skill set are probably favored over less attractive people in many instances.

I am not particularly handsome, but i live in a country where ‘my type’ is associated with wealth and power. I also visit countries, like Bangladesh, where this is the case.

If, while wearing my business suit, I walk the streets in Dhaka, then police officers even spring into attention and salute me.

However… it is not per se a plus… many colleagues find it hard to trust me, partially because of the way I look… I am a westerner and they will never truly open up. Also my kids are less safe on the streets.

All in all…my appearance influences me a lot. Most always, even. Whether that is a good thing or not, I don’t know… :-)

I think I am probably decent looking, but my experience in this world this far is not that looks are as important as charisma. I think it’s more about playing the game than looking good – for example I think talking skills are more important than how you look. People look alike, it’s not so much the looks that define you but that little something that makes you special, for example mimic.

@JLeslie It’s interesting to note you commented on weight and sure obese is not only difficult for the obese person, but also harshly judged. Personally I find curvy women beautiful if they have shape. So, when I say that I mean they can be quite large by societies standards but if they have the waist ratio they are quite stunning. That is perhaps just a balance thing? Like a fireplace with two vases on each side as opposed to one in the middle.

In General what got me thinking about this is the fact that a famous athlete being worried about her looks since she was currently being judged as ‘not pretty’. Or some athletes thinking they are not pretty since they body build and that is not seen as feminine.

I was given a lot of breaks when I was younger simply because I was good looking. (It is quite an advantage on the surface, but most good looking people can describe some very disturbing disadvantages as well—especially extraordinarly attractive women.) I was also lucky, in that I was born with enough intelligence to later recognize how fleeting looks were before they faded too much and was able to replace that asset with enough education, achievement, charm, and empathy for others, to maintain the breaks. I was also lucky to have parents and teachers who were instrumental in warning me of the pitfalls of relying on my looks to get through life. Attitude and behaviour are very important and, after initial contact, these characteristics influence people more than appearance. You can inhabit the most beautiful body on Earth, but if you’re a self-absorbed conniving asshole, the asshole part will soon take precedence in the minds of your acquaintences and you will be perceived as ugly. I still look much younger than my 60 years, because of my genes and the way I’ve lived the second part of my life and this has it’s advantages.

I’ve always looked younger than I am.

I find many people do not take me seriously, and this has the result of encouraging further decline of my already low self-esteem. For example, I had a meeting a couple of months ago with an unemployment assistance company, looking for options to change my career path. The counselor just sort of brushed me off, saying I was plenty young enough and why was I even worried. I was insulted at the implication that my appearance should pay for my life all by itself. Especially since I’ve been turned down for jobs because I look young.

inb4 “you’ll be happy about it when you’re my age”

Similar to @jca‘s story, I have lost a lot of weight in the last year (60 lbs.) although I was generally viewed as “heavy” but not tremendously overweight. I wore it well. I have been walking the same reservoir for years; in the last six months I have been running.

Yesterday I noticed a half dozen different women, all strangers, who smiled at me as I ran past them. It was nice yet a bit disconcerting.

@Seek_Kolinahr I feel ya’! I am in the same situation. I’ve been taken for one who was 16 as a 19 year old. It is really a pain indeed.

Yeah, except I’m in my late 20s and have a child to feed

I inherited good, late-to-gray thick Russian hair from my maternal grandparents, good bone structure, posture and a regionless accent from my mother, and a good intellect and drive to do the best job possible from my father. I had good teeth and good dentists and regular trips to the ophthamologist for the proper glasses, so I wasn’t falling into open manholes.

I would guess that those qualities got my foot in the door when I was job-hunting.

I was a very good teacher but have no idea what a “foreboding look” means. My expression was never static while I was in the classroom; since they were third and fourth-graders, I did laugh a lot. They laughed back.

(Foreboding: implying or seeming to imply that something bad is going to happen. Might you mean a stern look?)

As a teenager, I fretted about dozens of perceived micro-flaws but gave that up as too exhausting when I hit my early twenties. Today I am thrilled to still be breathing in and out, able to stand on my new knee without howling and smart enough to not waste a second wishing for impossible and silly wishes.

When I look in the mirror and see one of my grandmothers, that’s fine. Better than seeing the original Ben Finkel (who was bald and pot-bellied thirty years before he died)

@LornaLove I thought of the weight since @jca had just mentioned it, and I do think that being obese does put people, especially women, at a disadvantage. I agree women can be overweight, but if in proportion can still be very beautiful. But, at some point most people begin to look heavy even in their face. Everyone wears weight differently.

I think if a woman is very beautiful and spends time exaggerating her feminine traits, like long styles hair, clothes (not suits) that reveal her figure, skirts that are short, they are taken less seriously for certain career choices, and that looking young, as @Seek_Kolinahr touched on, can be a negative also, when ironically we pursue looking young in our society soending lots of money on it even. My sister looked 16 until she was 30. Partly her face and fugure andnpartly because she is only 5’2”.

At the same time, a man who is very muscular also is at a disadvantage I think for some career choices. I don’t know any high level executives who are super muscular. They might look in good condition, but not very very bulky. I’ve mentioned on fluther before chef Jeff Henderson who went from prison to being a very well known chef in Las Vegas. He talks about not working out so much at the gym towards the end of his prison time, so his physique was not so pumped up, and changing his stance and walk to be accepted in his new world outside of prison.

Looking the part does play a role in getting the part at least some of the time. It shouldn’t matter, but sometimes it does.

I have enjoyed being relatively attractive, cute, and also witty, humorous and charming too. ;-p
Now at almost 54 my girlish cuteness is fading, but, I always wanted to be liked for my brains and bouncy personality more so than for my bouncy boobs and behind. lol
I’ve had a good run but am really not hung up on my aging, only when it comes to finances and health. I did receive a nice compliment the other day in a store, another woman remarked how nice I looked.

Hey…when a woman comments on another womans looks it’s always sincere. lol

I work with dogs and they don’t really care how I look! However, because I spend most of my time in scruffy clothes and my hair pulled back in a pony tail, I try to make sure that when I am not working I always look good, even if I am staying at home. It’s just nice to remind myself that I can still look good!! I am happy with the way I look and, for the most part, think that I am a fairly attractive woman but there are times when I feel very insecure around women that are obviously more attractive than me (especially when I am covered in dog hair!!) so I clearly still have a way to go until I achieve total self confidence.

A few years ago a boss (from a previous job) admitted to me that I got the job because he thought I was attractive, at the time this didn’t bother me as the job didn’t need any real skill, I wouldn’t be happy with that reason now as I have worked hard to be in the job that I really want.

@Leanne1986: Milo here: The right guy should love you covered in dog hair (even better with cat hair, however). Note blue blanket, please.

@Milo Thankfully my guy does love me even when I am covered in animal hair. If I wasn’t covered in animal hair it would mean that I wasn’t surrounded by beauties such as yourself on a daily basis and I wouldn’t trade that for all the good looks, tidy clothes and immaculate hairstyles in the world!

^^^ Milo again; Let me know when I should send my hair stylist and make-up person over. I’ll gas up the Lear Jet.

@gailcalled Haha..I’m noticing the double bells. Twice the warning. Maybe a little air raid siren on his collar too? lol

^^ Since my knee issues, he goes collarless. I can’t get down to fasten it. So it’s every man rodent for himself.

Like @Seek_Kolinahr even I had to face the same problem. But for me it was a different issue. When I was young, I was always the tiny timid ugly duckling of my family. All my cousins were damn beautiful and handsome and they used to make fun of me. During my teenage I never had any friends or even boyfriends because I looked way too small for my age. Those days that was a big problem for me and I use to feel really insecure, but now I feel really happy because at the age of 33 people say I look younger than my age and all are surprised when I say I have a nine year old kid. What I felt strange was, the same old college guys who never even bothered to talk to me are sending me messages and friends request now on FB.

I was an ugly duckling as a kid but I’m still waiting (at 56) for my beautiful swan stage. If I dress well and nail all the other things within my control, I’m pleasant looking. I mean that in the noncommittal way it probably comes across.

I have to believe that I would have had more social and vocational options had I been better looking. However, at this point in my life if I could start again 40 years ago with greater acceptance of my looks, I’d take that over being objectively better looking. My looks and the way I’ve responded to them have been a limitation, but I think 70–80% of that limitation has been self imposed. If I knew then what I know now…....

Welcome to Fluther, Darby.