I am terrified of this man, and he's convinced we are going to get married.... what do I do?

You have a significant other, is he aware of this situation?

If not, tell him.

I don’t want to be rude to this guy, but I don’t want to be with him, and I sure as heck do not want him hanging around my home.

Pick two. You cant have them all. Also, considering how things are going, you should reconsider wanting to have any sort of contact with that kind of person.

Manipulative mentally cruel people are extremely dangerous, especially because they know how to engender guilt and debt towards them. Beware of any attempt at reconciliation he may try, it’s there only to paint you as the bad guy if you refuse it.

Seriously, my suggestion is just to burn all the bridges, let your SO handle it and leave him out of your life.

Why the heck did you say you would listen to him? You don’t hold out hope to people like this. Call him (or text him) and tell him that you have no desire to talk to him and that there is no hope for a future. Don’t worry about being rude, he needs to hear the message loud and clear.

Tell him not to come, that this is your last contact with him and then make it your last contact.
There is no way to be nice about this and at this point, if you are nice, he will take it as you still being in love with him.

@Judi nailed the problem in one. You sent out tremendously mixed signals by even agreeing to “listen to him” on this topic. You should have shut him down cold when he ventured past his apology and compliments, etc. You have now given him hope that “negotiations are open” regarding your future as a couple, and all he has to do is say the right words, make the right offer and amends, and he’s on the inside track again. He’ll keep trying now. You’ll have to send repeated rejections to attempt to close that opening you gave him.

Don’t meet up with him! You don’t owe him anything, and if you give someone like that hope, they can become dangerous. A lot of emotionally abusive people turn to physical abuse when they are desperate.

Write him a text message or e-mail, telling him exactly how you feel about him. Have someone read it over to make sure it is as clear as possible. Don’t try to be nice.

If he comes anyway (which seems possible), I think you should be surrounded by friends. Preferably intimidating ones, who are willing to tell this guy to leave you alone. I would even think about getting the police involved.

I don’t really know your situation, of course… but if he is, as you said, a “sociopathic, mentally abusive ass”, then I think you’re playing a dangerous game.

What part of “sociopathic,.... mentally abusive ass” am I missing?

Do not meet with him. Tell him ASAP that you have thought it over and feel it is best for both of you to move on. Call or Text but do it right away. Otherwise you will be getting his hopes up as he thinks about making the trip. Do not let him manipulate and dissuade you.
You cannot keep him as a friend without bringing a lot of drama and disappointment into your life.
End it now.

if you think it is difficult to tell him this information by phone think how hared ti will be when he is sitting next you. That will be so much worse. Do it now!

@emjay If you are terrified of this man now – while he is wooing you and is on his best behavior – what do you think life would be like if you were married and living with him every day? Think about that for a solid minute. Go ahead…. I’ll wait….

Do not lead him on. Do not try to keep him as a friend. End it today.

To add to what I said before: I suggested e-mailing him so you would have written, time-stamped documentation in case he starts threatening you. I’m not saying he will, but just in case…I would consider that.

I can only echo what others have said, you need to not have any more contact with this man and tell him in writing that you won’t. Tell him that you will consider any more communication from him harassment.

Don’t call… text him not to come and stay away from your life.

I agree with all of the above. The only thing I would add is that you should consider getting a restraining order if he violates your request to stay away. This is one place where @longgone‘s suggestion of documentation would come in handy.

Not a good situation to be in. I would not leave myself alone with this person and if you have to meet let your current boyfriend be present.

Run. RUn. RUN. RUN!
This situation does not deserve time spent. Leave him alone.

Your questions are so unsettling, I initially thought that you were trolling. As I continued to read, however, I decided that you might be legit and raising some real issues. If my hunch is right, here’s what you do:

1) The next time this man contacts you, tell him that you never want to hear from him again, in any way, form, or manner. Rude? No. More like sane and rational.

2) If he persists, look into your options for getting a restraining order.

3) If you have the financial means to get counseling, do so as soon as possible and try to figure out why you’re so torn and conflicted over this situation.

“WHAT DO I DO? I don’t want to be rude to this guy”

WHY NOT? Make it clear in no uncertain terms that he is not to come and you are not longer interested in communicating with him. It sounds as though it’s going to take rude to get through to him.

So be it.

Does he know where you live???

If so, you might consider moving before he arrives, and leave no forwarding address. This might be simplest in the long run.

Be direct, be clear, leave no room for ambiguity. Use an impersonal method of delivery such as texting or email. Do not get on the phone with him. Ignore his calls. If he gets persistent, warn him that you will go to the police if he doesn’t stop (again, via text/email). Make good on this threat if he doesn’t stop.

Rude is not a factor in being direct with your desires and feelings.
Tell him exactly what you feel. Don’t let this turn into something you don’t want.
This is a form of harassment. Be clear to draw a line and act if the line is crossed.
IMHO he sounds a bit whacked. Ensure he knows that you can and will engage law enforcement for this kind of threatening activity. Get a restraining order if the line is crossed if you need to.
Foremost, ensure for your safety and those around you. Don’t get sucked into his vortex.

I’m getting confused with all your boyfriends. Is this the one you broke up with by mistake? Or are you with a new boyfriend now?

Does this man you refer to know where you live? Perhaps you can move before he arrives.

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you are in a relationship and you do not want him to attempt to see you in any way or you will be forced to involve law enforcement.

Then I’d tell my boyfriend, friends, neighbors and lock n load in case he doesn’t listen. Do it, protect yourself.

I speak from experience saying stand up and say no you are done.

The hardest part of ending relationships that are scary is his reaction. But if he is out of town his response will be limited.

Oh and you can’t be friends. Forget about it. He still instrumental in your life but as a cautionary tale even if there ate good or great memories mixed in. Just block his number and hope you never see him again.

@YARNLADY , yes. We got back together for a short period last fall when my current boyfriend and I were fighting and split up (for about a month) and got engaged at that point (dumb, I know). I had grown up enough by then to see things I hadn’t in our first try.
@Thammuz , Yes my present boyfriend knows about the situation. I’m not sure what he’s thinking about it, though… he’s been SUPER busy the last couple of days and we haven’t been able to see each other. I ended up just messaging him about it and he never responded. We do have plans to see each other tonight so I’m sure we will discuss it at that time.
@SadieMartinPaul , definitely not trolling!!

I made mistakes in our relationship, too. And have always felt guilty because of them, and confused by the way things went down between us. I wanted to talk to him because I wanted to clear that up. It’s been a deep wound for a long time and thought talking things out with him would help with healing. He hasn’t been threatening so far, only extremely “schmoopie”. But he HAS been very verbally abusive in the past, and that is why I’m terrified. This is what he does. He’s nice and sweet and great with words, and when you decide it’s okay to trust him again he turns into a monster. I don’t trust him. That’s why I’m terrified.

I know I need to just quit talking to him. I’ve told him I’m not interested in anything with him ever again. He’s stubborn. His family and most of his friends live here. He knows where I work and who I hang out with. He knows where my family lives too. I do not doubt at all that no matter what I say to him, he will be showing up in my life again in 3 weeks. I don’t want to be friends with him… I just want us to not hate each other. But I DO NOT want him to come home. at all.

@emjay We’ve all made mistakes in relationships. We trust and accept what people tell us about themselves. When we want to believe in somebody, we go so far as to ignore the obvious warnings signs, make excuses for that person, and convince ourselves that everything’s fine.

You “don’t trust him,” you’re “terrified,” and you “don’t want to be friends with him.” Please accept the fact you’ve made some wrong choices, remember that these things do happen, and stay away from this scary guy. Please.

@emjay For what it’s worth, I have wanted to stay friends with my Ex who was my husband of nearly 40 years and who dumped me. But he is a cold person who doesn’t know how to deal with feelings and I am finally realizing that I cannot talk things out with him, even though we have kids together. Sometimes you really just do have to move on, hard as it is to live with ambiguity.

I’m with all the others that say don’t concern yourself with “I don’t want to be rude to this guy,”
Don’t burden yourself with that, you have much more important things to act on besides politeness.
And please do act, tell the guy you want no part of him, and do it ASAP.

@emjay I understand your wanting to be kind and hear him out. You may have had some good times and that is what your heart wants to remember. BUT you need to do what is best for you. It sounds like you have a lot of great things going for you now and that’s what you need to focus on. I understand your feeling of fear with an addict. They can turn on you in a minute for a high. Even if he gets help, he will always be an addict and he will substitute a high for another addiction of some sort. I know, I learned the hard way many years ago. You aren’t being selfish thinking of yourself. Its time you take care of yourself and get healthy again. Be strong and tell him you aren’t comfortable meeting him. If you are afraid you won’t be strong enough to say No to getting back together, than don’t meet him. Addicts know how to work their charm when its something they want. Be careful. If you absolutely have to meet him, meet in a public place. Be strong. Remember how happy you are now. You don’t have to be in fear of what is he going to pawn now or stolen from me. You can do it! I believe in you! Keep us posted.

I just don’t understand why you can’t just give the guy up. Just stop taking his calls. I mean you owe him nothing and it’s obvious by your own words that “he was more than likely emotionally damaged, as well as a sociopathic, mentally abusive (for lack of better term) ass.”
So I am wondering since you are no longer together why you even put up with it and why now you are ok with putting your new partner through this unneeded drama.

If I was you I would change my number make up a story if I had to and even place a huge sign on my front lawn that read “sorry but my new partner and I no longer live here.”

I also agree with @SnoopyGirl that addicts know how to manipulate people and you are just being an easy target for this guy to manipulate you.

Don’t allow it to happen to you, stand up for yourself, you’ll be in a much happier place I think without the drama from this “emotionally damaged, as well as a sociopathic, mentally abusive (for lack of better term) ass.”

@KaY_Jelly , I’m not really sure why I put up with it. I KNOW it’s upsetting my boyfriend. Every time I’ve tried to talk to him about it he changes the subject. Which is how he behaves when he is upset…
I’m really terrible at excommunicating people I have loved in the past, no matter what wrong they have done to me, and no matter if my life has room for them or not (friends who have bad things to say about people I have loved, however…). I haven’t been able to explain it to myself yet, but believe me, I’m just as confused as the peanut gallery on that one.

@emjay I’m not sure what he’s thinking about it, though…
Oh, believe me, he is.

See, this is the problem with this situation: you’ve got a man.

Now, if i know men in general, right now he’s either plotting a murder (the other guy, for a bunch of good reasons such as making you feel bad and intruding on your relationship) or freaking the fuck out as to why in the ever loving fuck you would want to have anthing to do with this shitbird.

Which one depends largely on his character and the status of your relationship. If you’re really close and it’s been good so far, and he’s a confident guy, it’s the first, any other case it’s the second, and the first.

The first is usually always in the back of our mind in these situations, or maybe that’s just me.

Seriously though. Your relationship ended. You said yourself the guy is an asshole. You’re with another person. Stop fucking dwelling on it and move on.

If anything out of respect of the poor man you’re dating now, who has the right to know you’re not dumb enough to play into the hands of a man you defined as a “a sociopathic, mentally abusive (for lack of better term) ass.”

He deserves the same kind of guarantees you ask of him, and i assume you wouldn’t be all that pleased with him accepting to indulge an ex of his who’s declaredly trying to win him back, would you?

So in short: i don’t care if it’s hard, and you’re feeling guilty, and boo-frikken-hoo, your responsibility is to the man you’re dating now as opposed to the shitbird you left, just like his is to you and not to his exes.

Open this door and don’t be surprised if he starts looking for a way out, i know i would.

See that’s the thing, @Thammuz , he lives with his ex right now. So I kind of know EXACTLY what I’m putting him through. He feels obligated to her because he’s legally (though not physically – long story) the father of her baby… she didn’t have a place to live and now they’re roommates. NOT exactly something I appreciate but I understand wanting to take care of the baby so I’m dealing with it.
Also. option one does sound about like him.
My ex and I’s relationship ended, yes, but I have always had a sense of curiosity about what the heck happened for him to flip between perfect and crazy so many times. Not because I want to go back to him, but because I’ve always felt like it was my fault somehow. And now that we’ve talked about it I’m over it. I plan to ignore any future attempts at contact. I love my boyfriend too much to endanger our relationship for answers about my past.

Tell him not to call you or come see you. If he continues calling, don’t answer. If he stops by, don’t answer the door.

@emjay Your life sounds like it is filled with drama including the current boyfriend living with his ex supporting a baby that is not his.
Have you ever thought about trying to just clean out your life and start a clean slate without all the drama? Life is much easier without living out a soap opera.

@emjay…..I’m going to suggest that you think about counseling or going to an Al-anon meeting. Al-anon meetings are for the people (girlfriends, wives, family and friends) whose loved one has some kind of addiction problem. I understand all your emotional feelings. After being with someone who had an addiction problem, I found that I kinda liked the fast pace and the craziness. I learned through counseling and al-anon meetings, that I needed to stop that way of thinking or I was always going to be attracted to that type of relationship. It took me awhile to stop the insanity and to look for a healthy relationship. I don’t mean to sound like I’m telling you what to do because I’m not. You seem to be reaching out for help and I wanna help you get out of this funk you are in. You can do it! You are stronger than you think you are.

@chyna, I would kill for a simple life. I feel like I can’t get away from crazy people, lol. Friends, boyfriends, family…. They all start normal and then nonsense abounds.
@SnoopyGirl, the situation with those two drives me crazy!!! But my boyfriend can’t have kids and when he signed up to parent this little girl he took it very seriously. I actually find it admirable. I just don’t like that right now that means putting a roof over the mom’s head, too… .

If I were you, I would respond that you are completely uninterested and don’t want to see him. I’m not sure how well you believe what he says, about coming to where you are to be with you, but he sounds insane, and if it came to that I’d call the cops and stay with a friend until the situation was under control. Sorry but you do not need to be friends with this person. He is probably on drugs and he sounds unstable. I know the first relationship and love is a big one, but you can remember it in your head without contact with this crazy person, who clearly has changed.

@emjay he lives with his ex right now.

I’m sorry what?

No seriously. What?

That’s so not kosher in my book, I don’t know how you even consider dealing with it.

@Thammuz
Yeah… I know. I threw a fit. But there’s nothing I can do about it.
I DO sometimes fantasize about destoying her car or killing her, but. What are ya gonna do?

@emjay, you leave. You have enough self respect to just say no, I will not accept this. I don’t like Dr Phil but he’s right when he says, “you teach people how to treat you.”

I’m pretty confused now between which of these guys is which but it sounds like you have some sorting out to do of yourself.

@emjay yep, what @Judi said.

Just stay away from such a creep. If he becomes too bold in pursuing you, get a restraining order. You know this relationship is going nowhere.

I hate when People come here and never tell us what happened!!

Get a restraining order. If that doesn’t work, get a peace bond against him. If all else fails, get a gun and learn how to use it. Do you have anti stalking laws in your state? Look into that too.

@NomoreY_A Question is from 4 years ago so whatever has happened has happened.

My bad, did not take notice of that. Again. Hope it worked out OK for her.