What kind of a person would deliberately sabotage another person's attempt to quit a bad habit?
I quit smoking for about 8 years. Had a couple of babies. Then got divorced. Then started dating this guy who smoked. About six months after we started dating I picked up a cigarette. NOT his fault. He wasn’t even around when I did it. I just….started smoking again. :(
About 3 months later I decided to quit again. I knew what to expect and I was prepared for it. I got through a week and was well on my way.
Then one night my son, who was about 6, hurt himself and I took him in to the ER for stitches.
I called my boyfriend, who I only saw on the weekends, to tell him. I was just looking for someone to talk to for a sec. It wasn’t a life threatening injury but it still leaves you kind of shaky.
To my surprise he showed up at the ER. He sat next to me. He offered me a cigarette. I said, “No.”
He said, “Go on. You need it.”
I said, “No!”
He kind of waved it in front of me and said, “It’s OK. I’ll watch the kids while you step outside.”
I wish to God I’d stood firm but…I took it. I’ve been smoking ever since.
Why did he do that?
I am not blaming him. It was my own fault. I know it was. The question is, “Why would someone do something like that?”
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41 Answers
He felt you needed a crutch. Shame on him.
Why? His intentions were to offer immediate comfort, which ciggs are capable of providing. His intentions were not to create an addict.
Accept his intentions for what they were intended for. Not for what you allowed them to become.
He probably though he was helping. Men are clueless like that. That’s totally why I turned straight. My parents totally freaked.
BTW… congrats for quitting multiple times before. That demonstrates the courage and strength that you really have.
Let’s hope his intentions were honorable and he was trying to comfort you. Stupid but not malicious.
I wonder if we all would feel the same way if he offered crack to a recovering addict.
I have two freinds who are alcoholics. I NEVER drink in front of them, EVER. I respect their efforts to beat their addiction.
All these years it never once occurred to me that he thought he was being nice.
For what it’s worth, I think he had a drug problem that he successfully concealed from me for the whole time we were dating. Cocaine, at least (and looking back I can now see the little oddities that would have clued me in if I had been able to recognize them.) Eventually he got busted, lost his job teaching, which he’d had for 15 years. Don’t know what happened to him after that.
(Edit) Interesting that you should post that, Lucky Guy, at the same time I was penning about his drug problem. I’ve often wondered if they were somehow related….
The kind of person you eventually broke up with?
He was a smoker… did you ever give him grief for that while you were a non-smoker? I’m sure part of him wanted you to take comfort in something that he had experience with as a comfort, but maybe part of him (perhaps unconsciously) also saw an opportunity to bring you back to his “side”.
No, I never gave anyone grief for smoking. I did kind of bust on him for smoking Kools though.
I’m glad to hear you don’t see him any more. There is a Duke out there looking for someone like you.
You quit before. You can do it again.
This was years ago @LuckyGuy. I got my Duke! :) He smokes. :( Thank you for the encouragement.
I agree with those that say his intention was not malicious, just offering you a smoke when you were stressed. Unconscious and innocent IMO.
Now, I had a friend whose motivations to sabotage my efforts WERE based on jealousy and insecurity and keeping the status quo. This was about 6 years ago and I was dieting to drop about 20 lbs.
Said “friend” was overweight and wanted to stop to get pizza to take home for her family one afternoon. She asked me if I wanted anything as I was on my way to the restroom.
I said ” No, just order me a diet coke.”
I come back to the table where we were waiting on the order to find a giant plate of cheese stuffed bread sticks and marinara sauce in my place!
I refused to eat one at her urging and told her I said I wasn’t hungry and why did she order these?
She would also try to load me down with leftovers when she knew I was dieting.
Needless to say we are no longer “friends” due to her manipulative behaviors and lack of respect.
He probably though he was helping. Men are clueless like that.
Let’s not limit cluelessness (at least not of this kind) to men, and certainly not to all men. I’ve known a woman or two who were clueless in this way.
As for the question, I agree with @RealEyesRealizeRealLies‘s comment.
@Coloma I want to be your x-friends new pal.
The fact that he was so insistent bugged me too. It was almost like he was demanding I smoke a cigarette.
What triggered that question so many years after the event?
There is a pattern of behavior sabotaging over, for example, people who are successfully and finally losing weight. Many of their nearest and dearest feel the need to sabotage. it’s a complicated question and may mirror the complexities of the relationship.
Webmed codifies the idea: http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/how-to-deal-with-diet-saboteurs. It is very common.
Here’s a smidgeon from another article that is worth reading. Is someone close by trying to derail you?
“How can you tell if someone is actually trying to sabotage your health, your finances or your weight program?
Ask yourself this question: do they have anything to gain from my poor health, my lack of funds or my being overweight?
They may perceive that you’re easier to control when you’re not healthy. Keeping you financially dependent or low on money also keeps you in the same boat as the saboteur. And weight: how would this person like it if you were a normal size? Would it be threatening…or would it prove that, by heavens, weight loss is possible (why aren’t they doing it?)”
From Are Other People Sabotaging You?
Well… everyone wants me to quit smoking, but there have been a few times that I’ve tried, and my husband has told me, “PLEASE go outside and have a cigarette before you kill someone or someone kills you. Just go.”
Not that he tries to actually sabotage me, because he really does want me to quit, but I do get a wee bit cranky when I try, and… he just… doesn’t want to die.
That’s a mixed message. Is there anything (and I mean anything) else he could do at the moment when you are desperate to light up that would distract you? I can think of several (some NSFW) without even trying. Massage, back rub, tickling, a quick jog around the property, an ice water, lemon juice and fresh mint cocktail?
@gailcalled
Yes, my ex friend did not want me to lose weight and when I looked really good, healthy, toned, in shape, she would tell me I looked anorexic! Bah! It was all because she needed to lose a significant amount of weight and felt threatened that I was working hard to be healthier.
I’m afraid that would be my downfall too. If I got cranky my husband would just get pissed. :(
If you can get through 2 weeks @WillWorkForChocolate you’ve made it. The cranky spots will be fewer and further between.
I wonder if they have any stop smoking camps where you can lock yourself away for those first two weeks?
Maybe you were flipping your lid and he was trying to chill you out. Sometimes guys do that, like “you’re PMS’ing, so have some wine”. That’s all I got.
When it comes to smokers and alcoholics trying to get their friends and family to drink and smoke I think a lot of the time addicts don’t like to be alone in their addiction, or they want to feel better about themselves being addicts. This is just my experience as I see it, not anything I have researched.
Some sabotage I think can come from wanting to see the other person happy, but there is a selfish motive also. My FIL sabotages my MIL’s diet constantly. She loves the treats he buys, but it is all bad for her. He gets to feel for the moment that he brought her something she enjoys and that he knows what she likes.
@Dutchess_III Wowza, , good for you lady. I sure do. When my dog bit through her lip fighting a possum in my backyard I completely flipped my lid, thought she had her face half-ripped off and had to get rabies shots, it was horrible.
Man, you wouldn’t have made it a week with my son @KNOWITALL! That boy was constantly coming home bleeding and getting blood all over everything and making big messes. After the first couple of times, starting from when he was 3 and stood on a hot wheels trike in the driveway to reach for something, it was just “Oh Chris. Not again. Sigh.” The incident above was his 3rd wreck so I wasn’t completely immune at that point and it still left me a little shakey.
After that though, it was just another day’s work patching Chris up.
Once I took him in for stitches to his head. It was a BAD bleed. The ER nurse was all freaking out. The doc kicked her out and put me in charge of handing him the stuff he needed. “Chris, please stop screaming. We need to concentrate here.”
Probably not, my niece staying for a week at a time does hubs and I in, it’s exhausting!!!
People wonder why I have dogs and birds instead of kids, geesh, ya’ll gotta be teachers, nurses, counselors, life coaches, fasion designers, math experts, etc…there’s no way I’m signing up for that!
^ Amen, @Dutchess_III and @KNOWITALL
I’ve never been more grateful for the couple of years I studied first aid and wound care in high school than after I got married to a klutz and had a kid.
I mean, I’m a hell of a klutz myself, but I usually manage to keep all my blood on the inside. Not these two. Woo.
Super glue and duct tape. Works wonders.
Double GAs ^^^^^^ LOL. My daughter is home from middle school today because she came in last night with both hands full of splinters. There was a LOT of screaming, mostly her. LOL.
I just bought three rolls of Duck Tape, and I don’t work on any heating systems at all anymore.
She isn’t answering any questions.
Relating to your ex’s persistance I really doubt it was about controlling. He probably saw you upset, and when you refused, he probably thought you were trying to be brave, and that he wanted to comfort you. It wasn’t the right thing to do, but from his limited experience, it was the kind thing to do.
LOL! So what do you THINK happened @Jonesn4burgers?
A phone call from my son might go something like this:
“Mom. Can you come pick me up?”
“Where are you?”
“At the Wendy’s.” (Which isn’t far from home.)
“What’s a matter. Your legs broke?”
“Well, not exactly. And bring a towel.”
“For what?”
“The blood. Don’t want to get it all over the car.”
Sigh “On my way.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We might have to get these little terrorists together. How old is yours, and would he be likely to overeducate mine? I bet they could handle each others’ first aid, and give the two of us a break. My daughter takes after me. She likes hers a bit on the nerdy side, but fun outdoors, and a cute smile.
He’s 26. And still alive I might add. He needs to send me a thank you card for that!
Ooooooooooooooooooooooo. I was definately picturing younger. My little rowdy thinks she’s that old, but she has only just begun the wonderful world of puberty. (pulling my hair and screaming).
Well, at one time he was much younger.
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