My fiance's father died. How can I help him cope?

Be with him and don’t talk. Just hold him so he knows you’re there for him. He’s processing a lot. When my father died when I was 12 I just wanted the world to go away. He’s older, different situation completely, my father was awesome, but just be with him, hold him, and let him decide when he wants to talk. Don’t push him. And tell him you love him.

He probably can’t figure out his feelings, let alone communicate them to anyone. So love him and hold him, and let him know that whenever he feels like talking you will listen to him.

As much as you’d like to, you can’t do his grieving, that is something he has to work out. And it may take time. And he may get pissed off. But remember he’s not pissed at you, and you have to let him feel his feelings. Don’t try to fix him. He needs you to support him being himself.

This will not be fun, and it may take a while. But love him and be present for him. And it may make the two of you feel even closer soon.

Do what he’ll allow you.
Let him talk until he can’t stand it.
Hold him if until he can’t stand it.

LOVE him.

My son is your age, and his alcoholic father died as a result of his substance abuse when our son was 7.

There are sure to be a lot of mixed feelings spinning through your fiancé‘s head… Grief is complex enough, but add a troubled relationship to the mix and it can be ugly.

Children of alcoholics (and other abusive parents) often carry a lot of false guilt. A part of them will imagine that if they had been a ‘good’ or ‘perfect’ child, their parent would have loved them. There is also a lot of shame when coming from an abusive childhood. On the other hand, there is a lot of anger, which can even bring a sense of relief when the abuser dies – but we’re led to believe that it is ‘bad’ to feel that way… which amps up the guilt cycle.

These are generalizations, of course; and while your fiancé and his situation are individual, I hope he knows that he is not alone. It will take him a long time to process it all, and he might benefit from counseling or AlAnon eventually.

All you can do is be there for him to feel safe and comforted. Listen without trying to give him answers or trying to fix things – just let him vent, unless he specifically requests your advice. I wish the both of you well through the challenges of the coming months. (((((hugs)))))

There is some excellent advice here. I cannot give you any better that what is above.

Suicide always leaves people with a feeling of guilt. Even if it is an accidental suicide, I’m sure he is probably living the what if scenario. There will always be memories of good times along with the bad times. The many years he wished his father was different and the hope that one day their relationship was different. All those wishes and dreams (even if the dream seemed like a fairy tale) are all history now. They all died with him. Everyone wants parents who love them and are their for them. Then there may also be the guilt. What if he had stayed? What could’ve he done to help his father get better, if anything? Did he give up on him too soon?

As everyone stated just be there for him. But let him know that he was never responsible for his dads well being. He could never change anyone who never wanted to be changed. It was his dads responsibility to look out and care for himself and for his son.
He may want to honor the man he once knew by remembering the good times and mourning the loss of that man. The man from happier times. And take with him the most valuable lesson that man taught him. That, trying to escape sorrow or misery through drugs and alcohol, and anger doesn’t solve anything and only robs the person and their love ones of a chance of happiness.

I had a friend years ago who had and abusive alcoholic dad who divorced his mom. He had so many anger issues because of it. We would talk a lot about it. His father was still alive but I remember how he seemed to always feel responsible in some way. He hated his dad but he loved him too. He would constantly talk about the way things were when he was small. His father doted on him and then his drinking got worse and everything went to hell. He always held on to the hope that his dad would change even though he was sure it would never happen.

My nephew is the same way. He hates his relationship with his dad but holds onto the past. It’s hard to let go of that dream when you see other children grow up with loving sober dads.
My friend was constantly reminding me of how great my dad was and how lucky I was.. He would hang on every word my dad said. He always reminded me of a puppy looking for affection whenever he was around my dad and his girlfriends dad.
It’s going to take him time to deal with all the mixed feelings. He cares. He only wishes his dad had care enough for him to turn things around.

My advice would be just to not, “push it” or “force” anything out. You’ve said sorry. Let it play out from there whether it be funeral arrangements from his aunt etc.

You asked: “What should I do?”

My answer is nothing. Let him cope with it and just bet there for him. When a close family member dies, there isn’t much one can do except let time take its course.

I too agree with other’s opinion above. How much ever he hated his dad, deep inside he might be feeling sad, after all it’s the person who bought him into this world.
If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then just give him some time. Be with him and let him know you will be there for him, whenever he needs you. He is grieving it takes a while to get over it.