Worried my sister is moving too fast with her boyfriend. What do you think?

It’s none of your business. Kindly butt out. She’s nearly 30 – plenty old enough to make her own decisions.

Let’s say you sit down and point out all you have noticed that is bad about this relationship. You lay if all out exactly the way you have in this question. Is your sister going to hear you? Is she going to see the light and dump this guy? Probably not, but it will most likely alienate you from your sister. It is none of your business, leave it alone and be there for her if (when) things fall apart.

my first thought was that my husband met online in August of 2010, met in person two weeks later, and have only gone a week’s worth of days since then without seeing each other every day.

Then again, nobody on the planet would ever describe my husband as sleazy… so that doesn’t help.

But I will say that the social media thing doesn’t mean much. My husband doesn’t log into his twitter, and he barely posts on Facebook. I could probably count on one hand the number of likes or comments I’ve seen from him on my Facebook in the last 3 years.

She falls easily, you said… has she been in abusive relationships in the past?

Welcome to Fluther.

You’re the one making the mistake. No matter how badly she screws up her life now – and we all do that from time to time and in one way or another – as long as she can take full responsibility for it, she can learn, accept that responsibility for having made the mistake and learned the lesson, and move on. If she takes your advice, no matter how good it is and no matter how well-meant, then you also take on responsibility for some of her life so that every mistake made after that point, every missed opportunity, every other failed love affair and regret in her life will be partly your fault.

And don’t think she won’t recall that from time to time for the rest of your lives, too.

Be there to pick up the pieces. For now, sit down and shut up. Your sister, unless she is very incompetent, is an adult and can make her own choices and her own mistakes.

Back off. Don’t run your sister’s life. She’s a big girl.

I also am aghast at your statement “She can do better than him” – talk about arrogance and snobbishness on your part. You make it sound like she could have gotten a better and more powerful car. We’re talking about human beings here.

My answer: BUTT OUT.

Yeah, MYOB
Or is that BYOB??

Given what youve shared with us here about your roller coaster relationship with your ex and your less-than-healthy way of taking care of your emotional life, perhaps you need to look to yourself first.

http://www.fluther.com/165559/i-emailed-my-ex-and-told-him-i-miss-him-big/

http://www.fluther.com/165944/my-ex-boyfriend-is-completely-ignoring-me/

May I add my two cents worth here, since I was in such a relationship as this in the past?
In my case ( years ago) I was in a state of flux, that is everything was unsettled in my life at that point, where I met a man who was attentive,attractive,an giving.
Nothing wrong with all that, but it was happening much too fast. He too did not return phone calls ,had irregular hours,days of work(?), was uncomitted even for a coffee meeting etc
In short I discouvered the hard way that he had several women on a string and could not decide for himself which ,If any, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with?
(turns out…that he would spend time with the women who supported his lifestyle and without questioning)!
The reason ‘why’ he never gave out his facebook acct ( no photo) was that he had more women posting love letters to him online and did not dare let the other girls know that.
He was really chaulking up experience ( the old harem fantasy) with different types of women.
He ended up wandering the globe bouncing from one experience to another.
He never stayed long enough to really learn anything about how a real relationship transpires into depth of feelings.
I sometimes wondered if he was doing his own survey on ‘love“techniques?
As he travelled the globe , bedding many.
unfortunately none culmulated into a deep relationship.
So that all his research so to speak was useless except for an article in a smut mag perhaps, where other men fantasize about hoards of women after them?
My answer for your sisters problem is: research the women that he was with in the past and find out “what” they think! One will soon realize the ‘Mo” ( method of operation) that he useds on ALL of these women. Makes us all seem gullible at times. But also makes it rough on the serious person who may wnat to date you.
These men who ‘wander” and try every banquest table tidbit of women are insecure and in most cases living off these woman , since they provide the resources. ( apartment,car,food…all the practical things of carving out a living).
These men save their own money in the meantime.( bank accts are full).
Anyways my imput for whatever it is worth.
These men have learned how to go after wqman who ‘want to be loved” and they have learned how to register that feeling, by pouring a lot to time and effort to persuade them.
Unless the woman is observant of that , she will succumb. She may have to be burned a nother time to learn that lesson, and have enough couragte to “love” herslef moreand leave him instead of waiting for him to leave first.

I think we all know that this is going to end badly, but right now, there’s not much you can do for your sister unless she asks you for advice. I suspect that she won’t ask you for advice.

Some women seem to be genetically inclined to get together with douchey guys. Doesn’t matter whether or not they’re good looking or not. If this guy is just slightly manipulative, he’ll tell her passionately how much he loves her, just to dump her, then he’ll come back when the grass isn’t greener in the other bed. Right now, your sister views this all as passion rather than what it really is, a bad situation.

This whole thing is going to blow up in her face. We all know it will. Don’t be the one to say, “I told you so.” Just be there for her, and when she’s in a calmer place (after the breakup) if she wants to talk about it, you can gently tell her what you thought/saw/suspected about this fellow. Be very kind, even when you tell her the truth.

You can tell her that it worried you that the two of them got so intimate so quickly. You can tell her that you had intuitions about this guy that made you think he wasn’t going to treat her well (point out, very gently what he did to her) and then you can say that he made you uncomfortable because he seemed somewhat distant and cold and didn’t seem to want anyone to know about their relationship (regarding not putting any pictures of your sister up).

Don’t say any of this now, or else she’ll resent you. And don’t even say anything to her, after the big breakup (that we all know is coming) until she asks you for advice. Try to be as calm as you can, and try to be there for her when all of this comes crashing down around her.

One thing that may help her is to get her interested in somthing else that she is passionate about ( art,career,goals,learn new language etc) that she could then turn too when and if this all comes crashing down.
I believe that deep inside she already knows her circumstances, and to throw it into her face is not kind.
Just be their to keep her occupied on the other positive things in her life.

Don’t say any of this now, or else she’ll resent you. And don’t even say anything to her, after the big breakup (that we all know is coming) until she asks you for advice. Try to be as calm as you can, and try to be there for her when all of this comes crashing down around her.

Exactly what @Kardamom said.

The rest of us can see all the signs, your sister loves him and she’s temporarily blinded. It happens to the best of us. Just be there for her. There isn’t much else you can do without alienating her.

Oh, how much easier it is to see things clearly from the outside looking in… sadly.

Unsolicited advice is the worst kind of help. There’s basically no way to deliver it that won’t come across pushy and judgmental- because she didn’t ask you.

Exception- if you are worried for her safety, all that goes out the window, and you should say anything that might reach her. Right now, it sounds like it’s only her emotions that are on the line. She’s an adult and if she wants to date this guy, that’s her perogative.

You said they moved in together; she’ll need a place to stay if/ when it doesn’t work out. If you really care about helping her, that’s the thing to do.

Your sister needs to make her own decisions and if she is madly in love with this guy then you are only going to appear the bad guy if you tell her how you feel about him and their relationship. If this relationship is doomed to fail (and we only have your opinion on that) then it will fail and she will need your support but, in the meantime, she has every right to enjoy the relationship (regardless of how you feel about this guy) or (as the case may be) not enjoy it as much as she is letting on but deal with it in her own way and in her own time.

Also, please don’t dwell too much on the way he looks. I was once very hurt to find out that one of my “friends” was slagging my boyfriend (who I have been happy with for 7 years now) to other friends, saying that he was ugly and she couldn’t understand what I saw in him. He happens to be the most attractive man in the world to me and, right now, your sister probably feels the same about her boyfriend. Beauty (or ugly) is a matter of opinion and will not be what causes this relationship to fail if it does.

Stay out of it. It’s more than likely this relationship won’t last. Let your sister make her own decisions. Be there for her when it goes bad.