How does Santa Claus procure all the presents for the billions of children?

Santa Claus is actually the CEO of Amazon.

Santa cuts to the chase. He bypasses all the billions of children who yearn for food, shelter, sanitation, medical care, clothes and shoes, and loving parents, and he leaves piles of soon-forgotten gifts for kids who lack nothing.

He trawls earth looking for toys rich spoilt kids left lying around. The kids that have so many toys their bedrooms look like a circus stall, you know the type?

He dusts them off lovingly and promises them a nice new home next year with a kid who will appreciate them. Then, he takes them to his home nestled in the snow and they live there for a whole year waiting for Xmas with excitement. He teaches them how to be good toys and not get lost so easily as they only have one chance.

Delegation is the key to success.

Selling coal from the North Pole to Alberta.

Two words: Amazon Prime.

He had a Klashnikov. I thought you’d know that.

At one time he used the elf-slaves, but as he had to keep getting more slaves as the population of the world grew he couldn’t afford to feed all his elf-slaves. He then came up with the devious plot to convince one of the most affluent countries on the Earth at the time to become so consumer-centric that they started to shop excessively for their children instead of him having to lift a finger. He let this idea slowly spread over the globe (in Christian dominated nations only obviously since he never believed in giving shit to those heretics who could possibly believe something different), realized he liked sitting back and doing jack shit, and stop producing anything. Now he sends the the elf-slaves out to hunt polar bears for sustenance, knowing full well that the dozens killed per hunt keeps down how many he needs to feed while he and the wife can still get enough food to keep their rotund body shapes. This also has the added bonus of killing off the older elf-slaves so he no longer needs to keep an old elf home, and he has converted that into a jacuzzi hut with a “No Elves Allowed” sign on the door.

Santa is a jerk.

Robots.

Hard working parents do everything they can to make sure their precious receive what they are asking for. They work extra hours, stand in long lines and stay up wrapping presents until 2am on Christmas Eve to make this happen.

You read about the credit card hacking at Target stores, didn’t you?

How are the parks the lungs of big cities?

He actually owns China.

It is all very simple really. Santa uses mind control on everyone on the planet to go out and buy stuff and give it all away to people in his name.

Deficit Spending.